[the life I choose]

jimmy no more

2012-02-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

so, my dear friend susan did a "did you know" thing on her blog. it was a bit of a get-to-know me {her} thing and it was really lovely. so I asked her if I could poach the idea and of course she said yes! yeah!! then I started thinking about it. there isn't a lot that people don't know about me! shocking. so maybe I talk a bit. or a lot. but maybe, just maybe I can come up with a short list.

I love to read. okay, that's not really news. I am totally addicted to mystery books. they are always my first choice!

I have a venti americano every workday morning.

I don't love my kobo reader. I prefer books with paper.

I don't love scrapbooking. I like making other things with paper. like cards.

I hate baths. and love the shower.

I can't decide if I really like straight hair on me. it always feels a bit flat and blah-ish.

and then I can't really figure out all the compliments I get after I straighten it.

I've been trying to lose 10lbs for over a year now. apparently I'm doing something wrong.

I love chocolate. not just any chocolate, but dark chocolate.

my closet is colour coded.

I don't think I match most days {and I usually realize this when I get to school, not when I'm getting dressed}.

my non-matching issues have lead to a closet that is half full of grey and black clothes.

I watched the entire four hours of the whitney houston funeral. and I could recognize {and name a song of} all but one of the artists that performed.

I wish I was irish.

I feel broke all the time.

poor grammar {especially spoken grammer} drives me CRAZY!

if I had millions of dollars I'd take care of my friends and family.

sometimes I feel alone in a room full of people.

most days I like me. other days I confuse myself.

ship to shore pt 2

2012-02-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

love this song. I'm thinking it's an acquired taste. ha!!

ship to shore

2012-02-18T13:14:00.001-07:00

I have a new band. or at least a new song. gonna find that video and post it for you {maybe not in this post, since this one is HUGE}.

however, that's not what I was going to blog about today!!! I decided this week {valentines day, in fact} that I was going to chronicle my day through iPhone pictures. and I wanted to share them with y'all. so on this quiet saturday morning {okay, it's afternoon already, but you know what I mean!!}, finishing a pot of coffee, watching whitney houston's funeral, and eating a half eaten bag of pepper and vinegar kettle chips, I'm going to post my day. I'll try to explain the pictures as I go...I had started adding captions to them at the start of the day, but that stopped happening sometime around noon, I think!!

basically I used two different apps - instagram and camera+. I like camera+ because there are some good editing tools in it...and editing pictures is FUN!

{love my chalkboard wall!}

{630 am. holy dark eye makeup!!}

{in the car right on time}

{no lineup at starbucks}

{every morning. same drink.}

{I love that the sun is up by the time I get to school}

{I know y'all are DYING to see my classroom door!!}

{and my action figures...}

{'cause I'm a dork.}

{one of my student gave me this chocolate}

{got these "flowers" from my students, via the kindergarten kidlets!!}

{the drawer is a bit safe right now, but not always...it's a total hodgepodge of stuff}

{my key ring...}

{got this from a grade 7 boy}

{yep. my class went to the library.}

{tea after lunch}

{jr high dance. nothing rocks v-day like watching teenagers dance!}

{my classroom at the end of the day}

{saw these at save-on. I love tulips.}

{in the car. the sun is still shining.}

{my favourite boots}

{if one needs a coffee at the end of a long day, an espresso con panna is the way to go. especially if the shots are ON TOP!}

{finally the boots are off}

{standing in the kitchen making dinner. penne alfredo with italian sausage}

{the "making dinner" drink}

{my jewellery. I can't cook when I'm wearing all the gear!}

{nate's valentines day envelope}

{ty's love box!}

{the wine with dinner}

{kisses}

I think there was one more picture of me looking completely BAGGED at the end of the day, but conveniently it's gone missing! but there you have it. a small glimpse into my wee life. somehow there were no pictures of small boys in their red t-shirts and red socks, nor were there any husband pictures. alas, they ate the dinner. and showed up with wine. it was all good!!

what if we could?

2012-02-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

so, two months ago I was walking a half marathon. a crazy race that was like the day that never ended. and yesterday, 60 days after walking 21.1km in 3:30, I put my shoes on and walked 3.2k in 30 minutes. and although I felt like I couldn't walk another step, it felt good to get back on the treadmill. when all is said and done, I am up one lone pound from race day. and all things considered, I'm okay with that. kinda.

so I have a plan. I turn 40 in just over five months and I have a goal. I am going to hit the treadmill once a week for the next five weeks. and I am going to work my ass off to be down 10 pounds in the next five weeks. march 11th. 10 seems doable. possible.

so, with a week of crazy just beginning, I am going to cut all fake sugar out of my diet. and booze. again. and I'm going to just do this thing one week at a time. or one day at a time. because I am just going to focus on putting healthy food into my body. and I think that I can do five weeks of no junk. and I'm really sure that I can do tomorrow. and maybe that's all that matters.

nova baby

2012-01-23T09:22:00.001-07:00

...I'll just continue from yesterday {which is still today, but I'm pretending it's tomorrow so my tenses are going to be TOTALLY off}

so I kinda thought I could shake the thought in my head. I wanted to shake it. I still want to shake it. now I am a fairly rational, semi-intelligent girl. and I know that the crap in my past lies dormant for a lot of the time. and I know darn well that I can continue on auto-pilot for a long, long time when necessary. but in a week that was one of pinching pennies and driving to and from work in seriously sub-zero conditions in a car that is in dire need of an oil change, that thought wouldn't leave my mind.

and then sunday reached again. and honestly, the last few days have been miserable. I've been miserable. discontented. ask my kids. there has been a lot of yelling the last few days. I want silence, but I can't seem to find it long enough to think. but today {I mean yesterday...whatever!} I was playing the piano at church. couldn't really get out of that, and wouldn't considering how much I love it. and today, dean talked about being significant. that we matter. that we are loved. and not replaceable. and the voice in my head said "see? told ya so." and then I got a lot of "I love you. all of you. all of the mess and the cranky and the angry and the hurt. all of you." honestly, at this point, I pull out my phone in the middle of church and check facebook just to distract myself. so I get through all of that, play the piano, talk to a few people and get out. but it just won't let up. and then tonight, I did my usual sunday night thing. only on crosspoint we were talking about forgiveness. shit. and it started with a video, a story of a man who had been sexually abused as a child. and I believe my comment was, "this hits close to home." and then I started talking. and I realize that I need to forgive myself for being such a schmuck. and I need to stop being so angry at God. people are broken. the person who molested me was broken. we live in a broken world. and it's time to just forgive. and see my significance again. like I did before I was abused. the past has held me in bondage for so long. and I so I wrestle with God. and refuse to surrender. but I am broken. and apparently loved. and in need of grace.

and because this is all I know at this time, I think I'll stop and see what this week turns up.

stop stop

2012-01-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

my title tribute to the black keys continues. I am totally hoping that I win a contest where the winner gets a trip to nashville to see the black keys in concert. THAT would rock my world!

so it's time to talk about my word for 2012. I was so shocked that "surrender" ended up being my word for the year, that I've been kinda avoiding it. actually, I've totally been avoiding it! and in this, perhaps it's time to share part of my story. part of my heart. since it seems like everything is in perfect alignment as of late.

like I've mentioned before, last years word was grace. and I think I'll just quote myself {how arrogant, eh?} from my dec 29th post:

I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding. you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold. and no one is gonna give up the fight. I have been tantruming for a long time. we all know that. I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time.

and then, grace shows up.

and she showed me who she was. and I don't feel worthy. so I fight. and I think right now, we're in the cage. me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing. her with her moves. those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve. and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch. so right now, I'm in a headlock. she's fierce. powerful. relentless. and I need to cave soon. I am tired. weak. worn. and totally in need of grace. far beyond what I can even comprehend. I need her to be my new best friend. to be part of my essence. part of a new way of doing business. grace has kicked my ass this year. and I'm still not getting it. I am effing dumb sometimes. that's not new news either.

and wow. two days later the word "surrender" took me by surprise. it came to me as clear as day. the word. the scripture. the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that I needed to listen, because this was a big deal. so a couple of days later I committed to it. said it out loud. then walked away.

and in the last couple of weeks I just thought I could forget. like if I didn't talk about it, it would go away. that said, I've had a couple of interesting things happen. first, I go to a great church. I love the people and we've found community there. the last few weeks, dean has been preaching on being worthy. something I struggle enormously with. and if I'm really honest with myself, I came up with a lame ass excuse to avoid going last week because I hate hearing how worthy I am. 'cause in my head/heart, I am not. but apparently I am not meant to avoid things. I woke up that morning with a strange thought in my mind: "I love you and I'll take care of you." repeating over and over again.

then move up the timeline by half a day. I've been spending my sunday nights on my computer hanging out with the people at crosspoint {in nashville} via their internet campus. I started joining in the chat portion before christmas. so, this particular sunday was about {total summation!} pleasing God vs. trusting God. okay. I don't trust God. yes, I go to church. yes, I believe that he died for me and that I have eternal life in heaven. yes, I know that I am flawed and exceptionally broken. but I don't trust that God has good things for me. so subsequently, I do my own thing. and apparently, it's not going so well. financially we're not doing good. I am fighting with john ALL THE TIME {even though he doesn't even know it half of the time}. I am a mess. I am a mess. if I take my eyes off the mess, I can see clearly that I don't trust anyone but myself.

and yet the thought pounding through my head was, "I love you and I'll take care of you."

k. this is long. I'll post the rest tomorrow...

never stop

2012-01-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

found this today, via the sweet mandy. I've listened to it about five or six times now. and cried through the entire first three minutes. it is so the prayer of my heart. okay, that and the harmonies kick some serious ass.

off to investigate further...

turn right back

2012-01-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

my week in pictures. sorry, my lovely twitter followers, most of these have been posted there! I am loving instagram. for the most part!! this week was a bit of a gong show. I was in the office on monday and someone pulled the fire alarm. yeah. on my watch, all 230+ students were outside as five firetrucks were pulling up to the front of the school! john was on days all week, so it was chaotic. between trips to the chiropractor, getting my car assessed and managing being back at work after christmas break... yeah. a gong show!!

{new shoes. I found them last week for SUPER CHEAP! cute and cheap? totally my kind of shoes!}

{on friday, I got to go and see our new school building. SUPER COOL! okay, the school, not me in oversized steel-toed rubber boots, an oversized hard hat and goggles!! I was a bigger safety hazard than anything in the building. the picture below is of the front entrance. compared to the current building, this one is really, really awesome!}

{we went to the oilers skills competition with some friends yesterday. the boys LOVED it. we had decent seats and it was just a lot of fun. the nice thing is that there were tons of kids and kids don't care if the team is sucking right now. they're just fans of the game. I like that.}

{about seven rows up...and about four rows below where my dad's seats are}

{did I tell you that I painted a wall in our house with chalkboard paint? it's not totally done yet, but done enough that the boys can create. this is what ty drew last night. he loves hockey. and wants to be a goalie...if you couldn't tell!!}

{got this in the mail this week. now I have two. apparently a bunch of people didn't receive metals when they crossed the finish line at the marathon. I got one, but I guess no one knew that. I got a pink one on race day and this lovely blue one in the mail. I'm thinking I have one for home and one for school!!}

{the view this morning from my front window. it snowed. and really, we haven't had much of a winter so I'm not complaining. okay, maybe I am because this week is also suppose to be uber cold. ick.}

so it was a busy week.

oh, and I think I scored tickets to the black keys.

and I wrote and entire essay on assessment. ick.

and both children are still alive.

so is the husband.

sweet.

dead and gone

2012-01-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

week one is over. and the end of vacation is mere hours away. back to school for small children and the mom. and back to work for john. it's been a good two weeks off and I'm ready to go back. okay, well if the kids could go back to school and I could stay home - alone - for two extra day, THAT would been good!!

john's been taking the boys skating this week and they're loving it. only a couple of times out on the ice and they are getting fast and confident. I'm glad that the weather has been warm and that they've been able to burn off a bunch of energy!

and then today I packed up christmas. gone for another year. and I decided that since most of my ornaments are not breakable, that I'd just put them all in one box and label the box. I get tired of sorting it all out and I just wanted it done! and plus, it looked really pretty in the box!

on top of all of this, I chose this week to start a no-sugar challenge. it's been a week of almost no added sugar. I've done really well overall. there were a couple of espresso con pannas and one birthday cupcake. like I said, overall, I've been pretty happy. plus, the scale was down 2 lbs this morning. and that's not too shabby either. I also cut booze out of my existence. tried. okay, it's not like I'm doing that bad with that either. I had a glass of wine on wednesday night. and tonight I'm taking a break - from my booze and sugar fast - to celebrate some impending nuptials. and sunday, it'll be lots of water to kick the crap out of my system again and start all over. it's not about failing so much, but getting back up and trying again. every good eating day is a better day for my health. I'm going to just do this one day at a time.

gold on the ceiling

2012-01-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

wow. day four already {of the new year, that is!!}. I have happily spent the last two days doing nothing but lunch, coffee and movies. oh and I got hit by a car last night. rear ended. grrr. {more an irritation than anything else}.

so, I thought maybe some reviews of my favourite things to kick off the year? yeah! {sorry, it's a long post}

1. the girl with the dragon tattoo.
I have been a stieg larsson junkie since the first book got shoved in my directions with instructions to read and stick with it, since the first few chapters could make a girl just give up! in fact, I wrote a most stellar reviewish-type blog post on it. shocking, I know! the summer of 2010 - I read all three books. watched whatever movies with subtitles I could get my hands on. and recommended everything to everyone! since then I've seen all three of the swedish movies. so, it was with great anticipation and worry that I went to see the american re-make of this movie.

I wanted to hate it. I really did. but it was slick. and good. and wonderfully made. and the music KICKED ASS. now, I am not a big nine inch nails fan. it's a bit too heavy for me. but trent reznor and atticus ross kicked this one out of the park, as far as movie soundtracks go. okay, but back to the movie. rooney mara did a good job of playing lisbeth, but for me, noomi rapace was lisbeth. and the rest of the casting was really solid. but I think I was most impressed with the setting - david fichner really grabbed the visual aspect of the book and brought it to life. {other than a thermostat in the train station being at 18 degrees in the dead of winter - and sweden being a metric kind of place...well I can forgive that!} because it's been 18 months since I read the books, I'm can't remember what was left out/sacrificed for the sake of time - but it wasn't anything really obvious, in my opinion.

needless to say, I saw the movie twice. and I want THESE earrings:

but of course, H&M in edmonton isn't going to carry this line. I am bitter and twisted! so, if you, all my well travelled international friends, run into them at an H&M...buy them and email me. I'll reimburse you!!

2. the black keys, el camino

this is my current favourite album. and honestly, I don't even know how to describe this kind of music. yes, it's modern rock. but unlike most of everything else I listen to. it's happy. fun. good to crank up as loud as you can. I can play it in my stamp room and I can play it when I'm cleaning my house. oh, and first thing in the morning when I'm at my desk coming up with some good teaching ideas. or crunching data. it's good for everything!!! my only complaint is that it's too short. according to my itunes, the entire thing plays out in 38 minutes. NOT ENOUGH! {okay, I know this is a bad review - as far as descriptors go - just go buy it. it's really, really good!}. or just check out the black keys website...to start!

3. the stephanie plum series by janet evanovich
I am always looking for a quick, fun, easy mystery series. the stephanie plum series has been around for awhile. I've read books four and five last year, then books seventeen and eighteen this summer/fall. plum is a bounty hunter that is TOTALLY a jersey girl. love her. and now, they're wrecking it all by making a movie out of book one, "one for the money". damn katherine heigl is going to play plum. grrr. she is not east coast enough. and definitely not jersey enough. so I'm going to stick to the books. and read them all. I have one that's by my bed right now. it'll be done by tonight, if I have my way.

okay. stopping there. amazing; you got a movie, album and book out of me. what are you watching, listening to and reading? I could use some ideas...

hell of a season

2012-01-01T00:12:00.002-07:00

yes, I have a new favourite album: the black keys "el camino". january will be full of blog posts devoted to them. and their songs. hehehe!!

okay, but this post is actually about my one word for twenty twelve. the word that I've had lingering in my head for the last while has been sadly replaced. to the point where I can't even remember what I was going to choose. odd eh? yeah. I hate the word I've picked. or in this case, the word that picked me. HATE. IT. it's going to be WAY to much work this year. and it may mean that I have to stop fighting. damn it.

I know it's the right word for me though. I know this in every fibre of my being. it resonates a little too deep and gives me that feeling in my belly where I just know it's the direction I am suppose to go. crap.

{luke 17:31b: "If you grasp and and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it, but if you let that life go, you'll get life on God's terms."}

it's a good thing that change doesn't happen overnight. and it's really good that it's a journey. because this is going to be tough. good thing I'm not alone.

happy twenty-twelve!

I fought the law

2011-12-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

call it what you want: my year in review. or top ten things I would scrapbook. or the things I'm thankful for in twenty-eleven.

regardless, I've been hunting for pics to support this wee list! and apparently I take a lot of pictures with my iphone!

it was a super, super long winter. there was WAY too much snow, but I am grateful that our cars made it through. the times we got stuck, it was always close to home. and trust me, in a car the size of mine, that's a big deal! john got a new job in february - very close to home. we only had to deal with unemployment for about a month, which was a good, good thing. on the flip side, we've had to learn how to deal with shift work. okay. I've had to learn how to deal with it!!

and the spring was all about soccer. which was interesting considering the change to john's work schedule. there was lots of driving, lots of car pooling and lots of games. I love being a soccer mom and watching my boys play!

this year, nate finished grade two and started grade three. and ty moved from kindergarten into grade one. the picture above nate is of ty's feet. he received an award at school last spring - for citizenship - and he was too embarrassed to get up in front of the whole school to receive it! so he sat on my lap and his principal brought the award to him!

I spent most of the spring training for the edmonton entact marathon. my mom, sister, dad and I all walked the half marathon. my mom and I finished in 3:30. and it was HOT. I was happy with our time; for me, it was one of my better races.

I went to las vegas at the beginning of july. it was a nice break from the crazy of the school year.

john and I took the boys to osoyoos {bc} this summer for two weeks. it was hot and we lived in the pool and at vineyards for two whole weeks. it was relaxing and crazy and lovely. we are blessed to be able to vacation there every couple of years.

new tattoo in september. story of why is here.

the fall was super busy - as it usually is - ty in school full time, me taking on a new teaching assignment, and all the other general busy that the fall brings. in there somewhere, I learned how to ride a longboard and instantly I was hooked. I LOVE IT! I need to buy a board in the spring.

john and I went to vegas in december so that I could do half marathon number two! two halves make a whole, right? we also got most of our christmas shopping done. yeah!

the bling from vegas! it's HEAVY!

and then, since I'm now the music teacher, I was the boss of christmas concert at school. and dispite all the stress and crazy that lead up to the night, my kids totally kicked it out of the park!

I have had a good year. it was hard, busy, crazy and blessed. and I need to do this more often, just so I remember the good. the happy. and why I'm thankful. 'cause I am.

happy new years, peeps. I'll see you tomorrow on the flip side!

xoxo

going to graceland

2011-12-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

so, it's time for some review. a look back in order to make a path forward, right? only I feel like the three steps I've made forward in 2011 were countered by the five steps I took backwards. it's not suppose to be like that, right? however, I feel like I have made some gains emotionally. but I've yet to discover if they are positive or negative. so then are they gains? I would say yes. because I am aware. more aware then perhaps I wanted to be. and yet, I have not committed myself into the local mental hospital. so yes, progress.

so although this is my official "one-word-year-end-up-date" for twenty-eleven, there are a couple of things I want to commit to over the next few days:

first, I just pulled up my blog post from dec 31st of last year - just to check my head space. I did a top ten things that I was thankful for in twenty-ten. I'm going to do that again. join me, and send me your links if you want to do the same!

second, I'll post my "one word" for twenty-twelve on new years day. I haven't figured out what I want to do with that yet, although there is a lingering thought in the front of my brain that is looking for some exploration.

okay. my one word update. last year I wrote THIS. it was my word, my thoughts behind my word. all of that stuff.

I feel like this year, grace showed up at the table and we have been fighting ever since. {I'm going to site THIS post from carlos whittaker for my analogy on this one.} I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding. you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold. and no one is gonna give up the fight. I have been tantruming for a long time. we all know that. I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time.

and then, grace shows up.

and she showed me who she was. and I don't feel worthy. so I fight. and I think right now, we're in the cage. me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing. her with her moves. those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve. and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch. so right now, I'm in a headlock. she's fierce. powerful. relentless. and I need to cave soon. I am tired. weak. worn. and totally in need of grace. far beyond what I can even comprehend. I need her to be my new best friend. to be part of my essence. part of a new way of doing business. grace has kicked my ass this year. and I'm still not getting it. I am effing dumb sometimes. that's not new news either.

but, I am still standing {not in the metaphor anymore peeps - 'cause there, I'm on the ground, in a head lock!!}. I'm not super crazy {yes, that's up for debate}. I've dropped the ball on many relationships. but I've picked up the ball on being a bit more hands on in my parenting. I'm still a mess. but I am considering this year to be one of progress. and of hope. those three steps forward were HUGE. those five steps back were baby steps. and although I never want to admit it, grace is winning. and will win. and then I'll give her a big high five and take her into the garage to smoke a cigar.

glad to have y'all around on the crazy train!! xo

I can't stop loving you

2011-12-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

can I have a christmas re-do? like with more sleep and less cranky kids? I thought that teaching right up until the 23rd would be a good thing; in theory it is. we kept the pre-christmas crazy to a minimum and routines totally in place. and, being the genus we all know I am, I planned the school christmas concert for the 22nd. once again, in theory it was a good idea. you know, for all the teachers needing to rehearse. not necessarily for the person doing all the planning - me. I've been going non-stop for two weeks now. so, I know that I post all of these pictures on twitter, but now, I'll tell the story of crazy with all of them!

{dress rehearsal...they were so super cute!}

{played the piano for the christmas eve service at church. it was packed in there and the band was HOT. I'm so lucky to play with such amazing musicians.}

{then we went to john's mom's house for a christmas eve meal and to open gifts. the boys got skateboards and new hockey jerseys. and I FORCED them to watch "the sound of music"! it was a lovely night, but a late one.}

{john worked for 8hrs on christmas day, so we got the kids up at 6am to open stockings. john left for work at 645 and the boys and I hung out and watched christmas movies. once it got light out, the boys were outside with their new skateboards.}

{we hosted christmas brunch this year. my whole family came over. we ate food. we opened presents. it was crazy and lovely all at the same time! lego, hockey pads, hotwheel sets and nerf guns. happy, happy boys!}

{and then it all fell apart. we went to my mom & dad's for dinner - just getting there was a hassle!! kids were tired and so was the mom. shocking, I know! we got home and ty had a major meltdown over batteries. I yelled. he yelled. nate cried. john just stood there and shook his head. I may have said that I hated christmas. nate put his coat on and said he was going to run away to a place where they didn't celebrate christmas, since I had wrecked it. ty was going ballistic, because he thought it was my fault that the stores were closed on christmas day. I threw all the hockey equipment into the other room and threatened to throw it away. one of my finest moments. about twenty minutes later, they were both asleep. and john and I built the boys new hockey net. so not a great way to end the day, but I have learned that crazy busy for too many days in a row is just not good for me. and my parenting skills.}

{and this morning we all slept, woke up happy, said sorry to each other, gave and received hugs and kisses and then the boys dressed in their gear and hit the pavement for a while.}

{and I pulled out real pucks, since we have a net now}

{and they played hockey. on the driveway. in their pjs. and once again, all is well in their worlds. and mine.}

and now it's time to take a shower, go buy some groceries {and batteries} and maybe go to toys r us. they want to brave the crowds. and apparently, I'm their driver!

happy christmas, everyone. and today - happy boxing day!!

xoxo

blue suede shoes

2011-12-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

24 hrs. less than, actually. and the christmas concert will be done. my stress will be gone.

I just hope all the work is worth it - the extra rehearsals, transposing music, building sets, the running around, the painting, the decorating...thank goodness for the great people that help me get through it all.

better yet, in mere days I get to park it on the couch and watch tv. for two weeks. oh, and drink LOTS of coffee. and blog. and think. and read. sweet amazing loveliness.

don't be cruel

2011-12-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

december is a busy one. holy dinah! add a four day trip to vegas in there just didn't help. needless to say, I had a good weekend home with the boys last weekend. we baked cookies and decorated the tree. oh, and apologies if you follow me on twitter. there's a good chance you've seen most of these!

{my favourite ornament. it plays music!}

{the boys and the tree}

{me trying to re-live vegas; rum & coke in john's new hard rock glass}

{ty lost his first tooth last night. he just yanked that sucker out!}

{I am totally as tired as I look}

{saw one of my former students in this production. pretty cool!}

this up coming weekend/week are CRAZY. staff xmas party, xmas concert at school, secret santa...oh, and I'd better wrap some gifts because I work until the 23rd and it's going to be slightly busy!!

xoxo

little less conversation

2011-12-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

how hard is it?

people confuse me. not the people in my life; I like those ones. but the general public? THEY confuse me.

I’ve learned something this week. I am ordinary. I’m good at a lot of things and equally awful at as many things. my personal best is the only thing I can ever try topping. I am my own competition. yet, I am ordinary. I just now think that “ordinary” is underrated. everyone {okay, I know not everyone, but you know what I mean!!} in our western society believes they’re special. just turn on the tv and watch any reality show out there. everyone has talent, they can sing, dance and survive. everyone is special. and therefore our perspective is messed. effed up. it’s like being an ordinary human being is somehow a bad thing. it’s not. I know, because I’m ordinary.

I’ve realized that in everyone’s specialness, that general {ordinary?} decency is slowly eroding. in the last four days, I’ve had nearly half a dozen people tell me how nice I am. okay. we all know that I am NOT “nice”. I’m a smart ass. I’m mouthy. I can really be a bitch. I am cranky and a bit rough around the edges. so today, after getting a hug from the girl in the hard rock cafe store, I started thinking about this whole thing. she told me I had made her day. honestly, I was drunk and a bit chatty. and maybe I laughed at the disaster area that came out of my purse when I was looking for a coupon. I think I was just ordinary {an ordinary drunk, in this case!}. and I’ve had this all week. and no, it’s not just a cori-drinking-thing. it’s saying hello to the clerk in the store. it’s saying thank you to service people. it’s holding a door open. it's smiling. it’s holding to all things canadian and just apologizing when you bump into people with your big-ass bag!! apparently, what I consider ordinary, other people consider extraordinary. this bothers me.

here’s the deal: none of you are special. not a single one of you. you, like me, are good at lots of things and awful at lots of other things. you’ve made mistakes. poor choices. and you’ve done spectacular things. and yet, you’re not special. like me, you’re completely ordinary.

let’s reclaim the ordinary. just be kind. be good to others. make someone’s day.

oh, and of course, some pictures of my ordinary {or extraordinary} weekend:

{me this morning, heading out to get some coffee}

{the start of the race...it was a LONG day!}

{we love the old and tacky. nothing beats the flamingo for both of those...!!}

{john & I at hard rock cafe}

{tribute to the killers...and las vegas}

{close-up of the christmas tree at the venetian}

{the bling at the end of the race!}

lonely boy

2011-11-29T22:23:00.001-07:00

listening to some early release tracks of the new black keys album. I'm pretty excited about this new music; their first single, lonely boy, ROCKS.

I know I haven't blogged in a while. I've seriously had my brain full of school stuff. and ty has been giving me a run for my money lately. and for my wonderful six year old, it's been a november full of 11:00 sleep times. yeah. this started after the time change. coincidence or conspiracy? yeah. my thoughts too. needless to say, I took him to the doctor and she suggested melatonin. it's made a world of difference. like tonight. both kids asleep BEFORE 9:30. it's like I can just sit and take in the silence. no fighting. no drama. no tears. just silence. sweet, sweet silence. {oh, except for the black keys!}

a couple things in my head. random and slightly related.

I leave for vegas on friday. less than a week until I'm walking another 21k. 13.1 miles. I have to get use to changing up the distance. it's totally throwing me off. today I did my last training walk. 3 miles {aka 4.8km} in 45 minutes. this is good. my dad said that if I did that entire race that fast that I'd be finishing in 3:15. that said, I don't think I can maintain that pace, but it won't stop me from trying. at least in the first half! between the illusion of the distance that is ALWAYS vegas and the miles/km conversion, I'm going to be all "off". but hey, my shoes are packed with my imodium. trust me. I'm not with my mom this time and I need to have ALL my bases covered!!!

so are you watching "the new girl" on fox? WHY NOT??? I have a soft spot for the strangeness that is jess. that said, a couple of episodes ago there was a conversation between jess and cece about your affections lying where your feet point {or something about that}. then today, I was talking at a pd session with a principal who was trying to prioritize some things with his staff and the words "where are your feet pointing" came out of my mouth. and I proceeded to talk about if you are pointed in a direction, any decisive direction, that your budget, your decision making, your priorities must all point in the same direction or you run the risk of exposing your inauthenticity.

and now I've been thinking. about the truth in that statement. and the fact that my feet and the rest of my life have been pointing in different directions. and it's created a discontent in my soul. a disharmony. I've been saying one thing, and doing another. and then I wonder why I can't get it together. and honestly, I don't know what needs to move - my feet or the rest of me - but something needs to. something is really not lining up in my life and I am feeling some clarity in a way I haven't felt in a long time. and yes, alignment has began in small ways as of late, or perhaps my heart was just being prepared for some movement. for some discontent to change and morph into something a little more authentic. for contentment to have a season in my life. I don't know how this all looks, and I'm sure I'm not going to love how this all feels, but I am excited to have a few days alone with John in vegas so that we can make a plan to get back on track - health/diet wise, financially, as parents, and as help-mates that are forging this road together to build a good and decent life for the "four fraser family" {as the natester calls us}.

alignment. authenticity. change.

where do your feet point? are all your resources heading in that same direction?

{I can't get no} satisfaction

2011-11-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

so, I hit a treadmill twice this week. 45 minutes of interval training.

in exactly two weeks I'll be in vegas. two weeks + two days = marathon day. EEEEEKKKKK! I have a plan though, and it's going to mean a tough, seriously intense two weeks from HELL. starting tomorrow, no sugar. two weeks. no booze. two weeks. 6 days a week of hunting down some time and a treadmill to hit those intervals. two weeks. fourteen days.

oh, and I'll need to get my report cards done too. oh, and john will have some shifts in there...

thank goodness for susan. and her basement. with the treadmill. just down the street and around the corner.

I'm feeling the stress, but that's okay. because in two weeks I'll have some time to chill with john. report cards will be done and I'll be in the right shape to kick this race DOWN.

and now I'm going to try sleeping off some pretty sore legs...

you can't always get what you want

2011-11-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is John's birthday. he's on nights, so the boys and I created this video for him:

happy 39th birthday, sweetie. although we're sad that you have to work on your birthday, we made you some cupcakes and they're in the fridge just for you. carrot cake, your fave.
xoxo

ruby tuesday

2011-11-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

so something interesting has happened this weekend. I have an enormous amount of deadlines at work, so I came home with all the work {it's still in my bag!}. instead, I chose another path. I've had a bit of a theory for some time {thanks to glen erickson like 20 years ago talking about this at a youth camp that involved some crazy people and crazy singing other crazy things}. and it's all about needing to be filled up so that we can give of ourselves. it's kinda a biblical principal and the way that I generally live my life. and somehow, in the last while, I've forgotten about this. yes, I've carved out some time for me - I've gone and taken some breaks from the crazy - but somehow it hasn't been working. and I think I know why.

this weekend, a series of unforeseen decisions and unexpected invitations have created a bit of rest in a different way. a coffee date with a friend. a meal with other friends, new friends, where all four boys go and play and we sit with wine, food, hockey and pizza. and we talk. creating community. filling my soul again. repeat today. lunch with a friend. dinner with another friend and her girls {both of our husbands are on nights} where it's just comfortable. creating community over wine and laughs and food.

it's been a weekend of cuddles with small boys and sleeping in. a weekend of snowfall, the first of the season. a weekend of pots of coffee and csi re-runs. a weekend of hockey games and football games.

as I continue to ignore the work in my bag, I know that this weekend I just needed some filling up. some community to surround and strengthen me. so that monday can come and I can be fierce again.

tomorrow I get to surround myself with more community when I step foot in my church. the relationships are different there, but it's still a place where I belong. a place that fills me when they don't even realize they're doing it. with a smile. a hello. peace given and received. and bring on monday, I'll be ready to give my heart again. it's getting stronger. fuller. better. when I didn't even recognize what a lonely, empty heart it had become.

grace when I least expect it.

gimme shelter

2011-11-11T11:41:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to muster the energy to write about something more interesting than how exhausted I am!! that said, I am sitting on the couch - drinking coffee, watching csi reruns [I think 2005 is my favourite season!] and watching the boys play "army". and in this moment, I feel compelled to explore the gratitude I am feeling.

taking a pause.

in the pause, remembering that I get to freely write anything I want, with whatever religious, gender based bias I choose, because someone sacrificed their life for this freedom. we hosted a most amazing remembrance day ceremony at school yesterday and it forced me to a take a pause. as I ate lunch with a father of one of our students, a master-corporal, I took pause. as I listened to the stories of another parent and the stories of students whose parents are still in afghanistan, I took pause. I am grateful. for those who fought in world wars, for those who fight now. for those who came home and for those who don't. for those who come home broken visibly and invisibly. I am thankful.

politically, I have mixed views on war, especially the kind that has occurred in my lifetime; and definitely mixed views on the government that makes all of these decisions. but today that doesn't matter. my family chose to come to canada because of the sacrifice that canadian soldiers made in the netherlands during ww2. I have friends that have gone to war and come home, some broken, some not. and I have students who are waiting for family to come home. and for all of this sacrifice, I am grateful. because it's closer to home than I think.

imagine

2011-11-03T23:16:00.000-06:00

600 - up, after reading emails. I know today is going to be emotional.
640 - in my car heading to starbucks
650 - on the road - the new road - the one that has cut my travel time in half.
710 - at my desk in my dark classroom, music playing; lots of work got done!
820 - parent phone call {just a bit intense!}
840 - school starts
845 - crying girl, worried about how she's going to make it through the weekend without being yelled at.
845 - everyone else coming into the classroom, getting ready for their day
940 - different girl, giving me the low-down on the girl "drama" going on...
1130 - lunch supervision. 'nuff said.
210 - kids leave
230 - staff meeting
400 - start of parent-teacher interviews
700 - end of parent-teacher interviews
720 - at church ready to play the piano for the prayer service
730 - gathering in community to pray for one of our own. for healing.
830 - heading back to starbucks to calm the emotion. this time, a gingerbread latte.
845 - home. hugs for small boys, remembering to take in all the moments
859 - downstairs in the craft room packing up to take my stamping show on the road
1030 - kids are sleeping, john's carried all my stuff up the stairs, overnight bag is packed. computer open.

not a typical day, but a day. ups, downs, all arounds.

then I read THIS. and am fighting tears. I know it's all the stress, emotion, crazy, tired, pms from the day, but it hits deep. so I get up and go take a moment to watch the small children sleep and get a hug from John. and know that I get to love fiercely because I am loved and because my heart has been wrecked by love. and I get to live because I have fallen hard. sung terribly. wrote crap. feared all. and in that, I get to live out grace. and know I am blessed.

here comes the sun

2011-10-22T22:51:00.000-06:00

so apparently there's been some complaining among around 50% of my regular blog readers that I haven't been blogging enough. and apparently, when it's 50% of my readership {kathy & frances}, I need to pay attention to the complaints and just get to it!

ha!

okay, so honestly, one of the reasons I haven't been writing as much is time. I don't have a ton of it. plus, I'm lazy. I'd rather watch tv than think. and secondly, I've felt a bit dry. kinda like I don't have a ton to really write about because my head is full of the mundane. the general business and ordinary that life dishes out on a regular basis. the combination of these two things is disastrous when it comes to blogging. hence the complaints. but I get it. I really do. I just want to offer something a little bit more interesting or more in depth than a facebook status update or a tweet. I'm just not too sure what that looks like.

that said, I've had a bit of a panic attack today. six weeks until the vegas marathon. the half for me. EEEEKKKKK!! I perhaps wouldn't be freaking out if I hadn't totally thrown out my back this week. it feels better than it did on thursday, but I'm not too sure if I can walk 16k tomorrow. this bits. I have strayed off course and now I'm legitimately not able to train at a decent level and all I can think is that I should have just sucked it up and gone for that 4.5k walk on wednesday night. DAMN IT!!! lol. so, I pick up my boot straps and I try again, right? 16k tomorrow isn't a great idea, but maybe 30-45 minutes is a wonderful idea. I really do drive myself crazy.

and maybe this is why I don't blog as often as I'd like - you all would be exposed to my complete neurosis that is my brain! for real.

helter skelter

2011-10-15T11:06:00.000-06:00

so there's a song that I know, an old hymn in fact; the author, thomas dorsey, wrote it after his wife and baby died in child birth. when I sing it, hear it, play it, I am reminded of the pain that it represents and the hope that dorsey felt. the lyrics of the first verse have been playing in my heart for the last few days:

precious lord, take my hand
lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
through the storm, through the night
lead me on to the light
take my hand, precious lord, lead me home

then the church at that time said that he wasn't allowed to play it in church. it was too bluesy. it sounded too much like THAT music - you know, that jazz and blues that was being played in the clubs.

and all of that - the lyrics, the story - remind me of grace. and how someway, the story is always bigger than our perception. that the divine is working in a bigger place than what I comprehend or often trust. and through it all, I get to choose. I get to choose grace. I get to choose joy. I get to choose.

right now, right here, I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. and I'm not sure I totally realized it. and somehow I had thought that I had been forgotten. dismissed. left to be. and apparently I was wallowing too much to see it. that my hand is being held through the storm.

I am tired. I am weak. I am worn. and I am ready to choose grace. again.

there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair {mumford & sons, after the storm}

yellow submarine

2011-10-14T07:07:00.000-06:00

1. I've decided that busy is the new normal. I hate it, but it is what it is, so I must develop a system to survive. a protocol. an efficiency system. so last weekend, I cooked a pizza and froze it for the kids lunches {my nemesis}. I made 5 doz super healthy muffins. made my happy protein pancakes for an easy grab in the morning. and I cleaned out my freezer. and honestly, it's like I took a ton of decision making and planning and thinking right off my plate. when John's on nights, and I'm the parent in charge, I need to make things easy for myself. I succeeded this week. and it's lead to easier parenting. this I can do. so yes, this is me patting myself on the back - and asking for y'all to remind me that when I'm sinking again in a couple of weeks, yell at me to GO BACK TO THE PLAN!!!!

2. I started my walking program again this week. I hit the pavement on tuesday and wednesday. and then today didn't happen. but tomorrow will, so it's a good start, right?

3. I haven't been on the long board in a week. THAT is a problem. long boarding is good for my mental heath!

4. I went into school last weekend and got ahead of myself for the first time all year. that was a good idea on so many levels. but now I feel like I need to do the same next weekend. yeah, not a habit I want to get into. mind you, next week I'll be able to go in early and that is my usual way of staying ahead of the game. that and blasting my music in the morning while I work!

5. no #5. I'm tired. finished the last of the bag of vegas m&ms. black. purple. pink. aqua. good thing I have this little half marathon thingy coming up. I can totally stock up!

xoxo

hey jude

2011-10-10T13:22:00.002-06:00

holy headache, batman. sigh. I refuse to connect the amount of vino that was had with dinner last night with the frontal lobe achy feeling! I was suppose to walk 14k this morning. I slept until 10. I was suppose to be going to the football game this afternoon. yeah, that isn't happening either. nate is going to go with john this afternoon; ty and I are going to go to fridays game.

we did our thanksgiving dinner yesterday. it was lovely! and there are so many things that I'm thankful for. I just can't think of them. my head hurts! so sad.

so I was reading mandy's blog this morning. and I posted a comment on what I want to do this week:

write. walk. think before speaking. be grace. and bake some pumpkin muffins.
totally going into a crazy week where I’m in the office more than in the classroom. a whole different kind of crazy!!

and that's really it. especially the thinking before speaking part. the thinking and speaking ratio has been off kilter as of late. honestly, I'm in a funk. and I need to snap out of it asap. maybe I'll be able to get 10k in today. and I think some zucchini loaf can get made if I can find my grater!

all you need is love

2011-10-01T20:44:00.000-06:00

let's make october all about the beatles. I have a new love for the fab four. mainly because I started teaching grade 4-6 music this year. I may love music, play the piano and know one or two things, but I really didn't know what I had gotten myself into by saying I was game to do this. so I had a panic attack in july over the whole thing. then I made a plan. a plan, oddly enough, which was kicked off by glee. glee doing "imagine" with the deaf choir. I figured that I could teach my kids to sing. and to sign. and to do it all at once. at the remembrance day ceremony in november. brilliant, right? HA! well, there's still a month, I may be able to pull this off. so in honour of some great music, I hear by declare that my blog for the month of october is going to be titled by beatle songs!

okay, so now I'm off track and totally can't remember what I was going to write about. sheesh. I am so ADD somedays that it kills me.

so I did do some skateboarding this week. I took both of these pictures while sailing down the street! totally fun! for real though, I had sat down with a good thought that I was going to blog about and it's just gone. so I think this is all you get on this lovely october night.

xoxo.

I have a dream

2011-09-27T22:01:00.000-06:00

so it's been 48 hrs since I last stepped foot on the long board. it's KILLING ME!!!!! okay, so tonight I opted for a 6+km walk {someone remind me please, that I'm suppose to be training?}. needless to say, I totally need to hop on the board soon. like tomorrow. and I'm totally willing to have sore legs in exchange for the speed!!

yeah. that and my highly-edited-super-cool-midnight-skateboarding picture is all I have for you today. heheh!!!

does your mother know

2011-09-24T22:17:00.001-06:00

gonna just list this post. it's been a horribly exhausting week at work and I added to it by being out until 2am-ish this morning.

1. september is nearly over. routines are in place, but the weather has been HOT. much warmer than we're accustomed to, here in this lovely city. I am not complaining, but it does make keeping my kids in after school to finish homework super difficult. it's been a tough month, as it often is. ty's slowly adjusting to grade one and nate is just happy when I'm not around his school.

2. I got to walk the boys to school on thursday. the first time in four years. I was at their school to watch the music teacher teach {'cause I'm teaching music this year!}, so I combined it with going into each of their classrooms and reading a book. ty was so pleased and proud that I would come. nate burst into tears. sigh. needless to say, I read to both classes, then watched some kick-ass music classes!

3. we took the boys to the eskimo game last night. now, I love my football and I especially love the cfl. but I don't love losing. grrr. it was a BEAUTIFUL night and it was really nice to be at the game with the kids and a bunch of our friends.

4. after the game, john took the boys home to bed and I went to my friends house for some drinks and skateboarding. I learned how to ride a long board a couple of weeks ago and I am totally addicted. I LOVE riding and feeling so free. it's like holding onto a kite and just sailing into the wind. kinda like that little kid in the movie up, with all the balloons. so last night, we hit the roads in the 'hood and I took this picture. my friend's neighbour - the one with all the long boards - let me take one home to borrow. my legs are killing me from all the skateboarding I've done in the last 24 hrs, but I am LOVING every last minute of it. STAY AWAY, SNOW!!

5. so after only four hours of sleep last night, and a greasy egg sandwich, I went home and pulled out the skateboards with the boys. ty ROCKS. nate struggles. both were super tired today and not so willing to practice corners with me, but even nate was getting better by the end of the day. I think my neighbours think I'm nuts. okay, well kinda.

6. and then tonight we had tickets to a pre-season oilers game, courtesy of my dad. the boys love hockey and my dad has killer seats this year. it was the young guns version of the battle of alberta. and edmonton beat calgary in the last 90 seconds with a sweet goal from taylor hall, assisted by ryan nugent-hopkins. totally cool. and at the end of the game, since we had club seats, john took the boys to the basement where they can watch the players come off the ice. and ty comes back up grinning ear to ear, clutching a sawed off, taped hockey stick. I guess one of the oilers equipment guys gave it to him. he'd be sleeping with it, if I let him.

it's been a good weekend. but I am tired {not complaining, it's totally of my own doing!}. I need to try walk 10k tomorrow. I'd be happy if I could do my 8k loop...and then hop on the board and go for a whirl around the lake...

how was your weekend??

fernando

2011-09-18T22:22:00.000-06:00

so, my little world of blogging is small. I have my 7-10 blogs that I read daily, or every second day, as time and small children permit. I read three types of blogs...my friends in real life, crafty/artsy/creative blogs and people-I-could-be-friends-with-in-real-life-if-they-lived-in-my-town blogs. the first two categories are a bit of a no-brainer. the last category has turned into a bit of a circle of linked blogs. I started with one, which led to a recommendation of another, and so forth. some of these I've been following for a couple of years and others, just months. some I get daily-ish updates in my inbox and others, I read for an hour or so every couple of weeks. there are a couple where I'm brave enough to leave comments and others where I just ponder in my own head. regardless, these people have allowed me into their lives, through their blogs. I guess in the same way I let you into my life right here. and many of these people I also follow on twitter. just 'cause.

all of that to say this. I follow a blog on a semi-regular basis. her name is sara. and I am not going to tell you the whole story...go read for yourself!!! I started reading her blog because it was part of the circle of linked-recommended-friend-happy blogs. and last week, my little blog world and twitter feed started trending in my brain. sara is really sick. not blogging. dying. and the words "choose joy" started resonating from twitter to blog back to twitter. and I had a moment. for this woman that I don't know face to face. chances are she doesn't know my name. or my story. but I know hers. and we have a commonality. we both love jesus. and we both "know" the same people in the cyber world. and that makes her my sister. my friend.

I began to reflect on the words: choose joy. there are just so many layers there. it represents sara and her life, so well lived. it honours her legacy. it's a reminder that like so many good things, we can always choose. and joy - it's not the same as being happy. it's better. it's up on the list sandwiched between love and peace. sara has lived with incredible pain. and yet she chooses joy. that perspective is amazing. on so many levels.

as the week progressed, there began to be talk of tattoos. so today I got one. because for some reason I've been sucked into this cyber circle. and although I feel like I am on the outside looking in, it's exactly where I am suppose to be. connected by community, but for once, just listening. and learning. and getting new tattoos. those two little words. in sara's handwriting. my life can't be the same anymore.

take a chance on me

2011-09-17T22:13:00.000-06:00

okay. so 10 weeks or so ago, I wrote THIS. my sexyback11 goals. I set them. and I set them high. I should have reported on them a few weeks ago, but today I finally feel up for it.

short term goals?
1. down 8lbs by my birthday. less than four weeks. EEEEEKKKKK!!! I would LOVE to go into year 39 weighing less than I ever remember weighing in my adult life. gonna move it, move it. and string some solid efforts into some consistency. NOPE. I bounced all summer up two, down two. and today, I weighed in at one pound up from the end of june. no progress in this department, but I think it's because there was progress in other departments {see below!}.

2. I am walking a half marathon with my mom and sister on august 21st. we want to do a 10 minute km. that's a 3.5 hour completion. I would be happy with that. YES! and we did a 9:45 average kilometre. WOOHOO!!! and I am doing another half in December...

3. and it's 12 weeks until labour day? there's a skirt in my closet that I want to wear on the first day of school. 'nuff said. it's a size 12. NOPE. but I wore a kick-ass dress on the first day of school that I looked and felt fabulous in. and it was a size smaller than my usual. all the walking did pay off, just not on the scale...

4. I am going to take some "before" pictures, but they won't see the light of day until labour day. then I'll post the before and after pics. I promise. NOPE. took them. having a bit of a day today. breaking this promise. I will, however post a picture of me from today. my first ever full body self portrait that I've ever taken and feel okay about posting. point is, I feel better about myself than I did at the beginning of all this. forgive me?

{I'm not loving my hair today, but I'm liking the rest of me...okay, except the dumb look on my face. HA!}

5. and most importantly, I am going to book an appointment with my counsellor and start dealing with my stress a bit better. I need help carrying this load. and historically, that gets me into trouble. you know, when I try to do it ALL on my own. gonna try being proactive for once in my life. yeah, nope. I haven't had time to even go there. in fact, I had forgotten altogether. it could explain my wine consumption as of late.

see, not all is bad...

I have more...apparently my "I HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!" is gone. I'll save some for tomorrow, okay?

I've missed you too... :)
xoxo

dancing queen

2011-09-11T18:12:00.000-06:00

I am completely spent. exhausted. done. all of my own doing, but in need of rest. every august I try to prepare myself for the crazy. and every september I'm hit in the face with the crazy.

so today I'm going to be tired and I'm going to get to bed at a decent hour. and then tomorrow I'll put my head back into the game.

but this I know to be true: sometimes getting rid of the kids and spending the weekend hanging out with good friends is worth the tired.

mama mia

2011-09-03T22:38:00.000-06:00

here I go again, my my, how can I forget you...

yes, abba on the brain.

well, two days of teaching done already. and a full week of work. ty seems to like grade one so far and nate has no complaints about grade three. my first few days were also decent, so we'll see how that all plays out! we've also been re-building one of our fences and that's just about done too. the damn fence has been such a hassle, but boy have we learned a lot about hiring someone to do the job. especially people who don't really know how to do the job! needless to say, it's been a busy, busy week. HOWEVER, I went to weight watchers last weekend {hadn't been all summer} and then again today and I was down 1.2lbs. not too shabby. I also completed four out of six workouts last week. again, not too shabby. time {generally the lack of it} seems to be my biggest obstacle, but this week sheer exhaustion was what got me. at one point, I just chose to go to bed at 8pm because that seemed like the best way to honour my body and my mind. not a 30 minute interval walk. like I said, not too shabby.

tomorrow - or monday, it being a long weekend and all - I am going to take some pics and do a sexyback11 update and see how I did on the goals that I set 12 weeks ago. yeah. so exciting. not. it's not all bad, I know that. so off to bed for tonight and I'll inform the masses in the next few days...

yippie!

{ty on the morning of his first day of grade one. he refused to have his picture taken. shocking.}

waterloo

2011-08-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

so I started a new walking program today. it's designed to increase speed and lose some inches. and the whole thing is usable with my regular training program. it's set up in 4 week increments so that there's enough variations to keep me on my toes! so this morning I hit the pavement at 7am {john was walking in the door from a lovely night shift!} and did a 30 minute interval walk. felt good to get my shoes back on after sunday. I am going to follow the plan "by the book" for the next four weeks and then for the following four weeks I'll add in my long walks based on the kilometres I need for half marathon training. and I'm going to do measurements tonight. and maybe I can start shifting my hang ups that I have about the scale.

all that, and susan said I could use her treadmill whenever I want {thanks, suz!!}. so no excuses!

the kids are alright

2011-08-23T15:44:00.001-06:00

less than a week and I'm back at work. this summer has just flown by. seriously, I don't feel like I've gotten anything started or finished. eeekkkk!! am I rushing now to get a bunch of stuff done? sorta. I am picking and choosing my projects though. and today, although I am spending my day with my butt glued to to the couch, I did sort out a bunch of clothes for the goodwill. but that's because I can't find my favourite t-shirt. grrr. I am very irritated with myself. that said, my closet looks neater than it has in a long time!

tonight, I'm aiming to tackle nate's room {I have a painting plan that needs some execution in there!} and tomorrow, my craft space is on the line. if I can get those two things down, I'd be happy. all that and the stack of papers sitting on my side counter need to find there way into the correct spots!!

so the real reason I'm was going to write today: we did the canadian derby edmonton marathon on sunday. okay, well half {and no, I'm not under playing it!!}. and I was super happy with our results. fitter. stronger. fiercer?

{at 5:30 am trying to get some food into me. I don't like 5:30 on a sunday morning.}

{my number. my sister, mom & dad all registered as runners and I registered as a walker because I had absolutely NO intent to run. apparently rae & my dad did run a bit. my mom and I walked a 9:45 average pace...faster than our usual 10:00 pace. trust me, that 15 seconds per km totally makes a difference!}

{crossing the finish line. it's hard to see but the clock says 3:32:19; my official chip time was 3:30:54. super pleased with my results, considering how many bathroom breaks we took!!!}

{just finished. and super sore. my quads have never been so sore in my life!}

{my medal. woohoo!!}

and now I have four months to train before my next half. I registered for the las vegas rock 'n' roll half marathon in december. and I'd like to run part of it. that means that training needs to start next week. 16 weeks. that and I plan to finish at least 10 minutes faster than sunday. and although I've not met all of my weight loss goals this summer {shocking. up two pounds from the beginning of july. sheesh.}, I keep getting complements from people who haven't seen me all summer about losing weight. so apparently something is changing. and I'll give my walking all the credit. it's frustrating though. I really want those numbers to change on the scale. and the only thing that seems to do the trick is cutting out sugar. I hate doing it. I hate sticking to it. I LOVE SUGAR! but it doesn't love me. if I want to be down 40 by 40 {cheesy, I know. but my goal nonetheless} I am going to have to be a little more ruthless. yesterday was fairly successful in the no-sugar department, and today is looking good so far. I just need to go day-to-day on this nasty habit that I need to kick the shit out of. grrrr.

all that said, I am feeling fierce. like I need to kick some ass. and there is something about finishing a race that makes me feel like I can do anything. that's a good feeling. I need to bottle it and drink it when I'm not feeling quite so motivated. ha!

change of topic - we bought patio furniture this week. deck. table. umbrella. chairs. it's all I need for now!! oh, that and a good, long, sunny fall!

who are you

2011-08-15T23:37:00.000-06:00

yes, I'm still here. just tired. distracted. blah, blah, blah! and legitimately, I was out of town last week, without my computer.

I promise I'll be back soon {just trying to spend some time at school this week!}. oh, and I have this little half marathon thing on sunday. less than a week. EEEEKKKK!

{view from the roof at the resort we stayed at in osoyoos}

{tim robbins and his band on stage at the edmonton folk fest}

{ty on the swing in glendon}

unwritten

2011-08-02T12:16:00.000-06:00

lazy, lazy days...we have become THOSE holiday people. the ones whose kids are up until 11 pm and don't get out of bed until 10 am the next morning! I have read four books in the last week and am jonesing to find a book store since the kindle reader doesn't have the series I started. let me preface this. I have never watched true blood. and as much as I read the twilight series in three days a couple of summers ago, I am not a huge vampire fan. then I started the sookie stackhouse southern vampire mystery series. I read the first two books in two days. I NEED MORE!!!!

and this is our life. books. coffee with baileys in the morning. cherries. wine. the pool. tired boys. tired mom. it's good. three more full days until we make the 13 hour trek back to edmonton. sigh.

come thou fount

2011-07-30T10:52:00.001-06:00

so a couple of weeks ago, I read THIS. and it got me thinking. I struggle with looking at myself too closely because I really worry that the truth I find there will be as black and dark as I suspect. I hate most...okay, ALL...pictures of myself and I really have some serious self-esteme issues. I don't see myself clearly. I am self-depreciating. that said, I am evolving. changing into someone who appreciates myself. and in learning to forgive myself, I am learning to love. I don't hate all pictures any more. I am good at many, many things. I am passionate. predictable. unpredictable. unique and ordinary all at the same time. I am opinionated, yet swayed by a good argument. I am an early adapter. I love, love, love three brand names - mac, starbucks and paul frank, yet I don't understand people who advertise for free. I am a complete walking contradiction. and that's okay with me. for today.

so I made a video to represent my self-portrait. lots of pictures of me {I fight saying "ewwww"}, but I am beginning to like what I see. I fought to not include pictures of my family, especially the kids. it's so easy for me to deflect. but I included my creative passions - teaching, playing piano, media stuff at church, making things with paper, writing and inadvertently photography. and I included just images of things I love. coffee. my desk at school. reading. my computer. tulips. chocolate covered cherries. walking.

and then there was the music. I chose three songs with great intention. the first is "wade in the water". it's an old southern/black gospel hymn that just has the potential to morph and move into wonderful things. this rendition I recorded at the end of church one sunday. I was on keys and I hit play on my iPhone record button and the band just played. it's not a great recording, but I love it. then the second song is "one day" by matisyauh. there is something about the lyrics in this song that I love. it's a feel good thing that goes beyond a well crafted song. look it up some time. better yet, look up the video. it's darn good. then the last song is "come thou fount" by sufjan stevens. I first heard this rendition during an episode of friday night lights {season 4, by the way!!} and I fell in love with it. I love that show, and it's my favourite hymn.

so we're going to see if I can embed this. {and yes, I am editing to fix the quality!!}

I found that doing this was hard. I had to look closely at myself. I had to really reflect. but I think I learned a few things. taking pictures of myself {and then looking at them} is less foreign. I have always been very cognisant of my creative skills and talents, but I saw myself in a bit of a new way. as a finisher. an athlete. strong. independent. able to think in different {but good!} ways. now I just need to embrace this new/old me. she's always been there, just a bit scared to come out.

love in an elevator

2011-07-28T00:08:00.000-06:00

why, oh why, is areosmith stuck in my head. like songs from high school? well, I had my first "back-to-school" nightmare/dream this morning. I HATE THOSE! and they involved teaching music {which I have to do in the fall for the first time EVAH!}. and I have learned that the way to combat the dreams is to plan. plan. plan. so I woke up this morning planning a music curriculum for grades that I think I'm teaching! and it involves a combination of reading music, rhythm and music appreciation. and it's the music appreciation that I'm excited about. starting with our current decade and working back...and introducing kids to madonna, kurt cobain, the beatles, mick jagger and the rolling stones and why steven tyler was on american idol. this could be fun! plus, I teach jr high drama, so I think I'm going to roll together a bit of a fine arts program that will not be so scary for me! 'cause if I'm having school dreams on july 27th, I'm a bit freaked out!

so I started this post at 6am, and here, at 11pm I am finally finishing it up {so there is absolutely NO flow with this at all!!}. drove to kelowna and back today - dropped my mom off at the airport and picked john up. the boys were so happy to see him! and then we drove back {okay, I drove and john slept!} and then spent like 5 or 6 hours at the pool! friends of ours are here with their kids until friday, so I suspect that it's going to be go, go, go for the next few days, heading into the august long weekend.

that all said, I have had some time to get my brain rolling in these last few days. I have the start of a plan. okay, more like a goal. and it's starting to come from a place where I am thinking and cultivating my self-portrait. long story. needs it's own post. and a link. and some time to explain. regardless, there is lots simmering in my little old head and I can't wait to have it sort itself into some kind of coherent thought that I can share with you. in the next few days, I promise!

but for now, some lovely holiday pics {nate's been camera shy lately, so lots of ty!}:

{just love this one!}

{at church & state winery - I loved the decor of this place}

{new shoes...grandma spoiled some little boys!}

{handsome boys!}

{my little fish}

{so happy to see daddy!}

under the gun

2011-07-24T21:07:00.000-06:00

so I was suppose to do a sexyback11 update on thursday, but I was a tad busy! I did weigh in though, and I was down the two that I was up last week {or was that the week before???} needless to say, I am back on track. I didn't walk enough last week, mainly due to vacation prep, bad weather and deck building. I know, excuses. I hear ya. needless to say, after 13+ hours in the car on friday with two small boys and my mom, I have been sleep walking for the last few days! I am having a hard time catching up on my sleep. that said, I did make it to the workout room this morning and I walked for 40 minutes; then I hopped in the pool with the boys and swam for 20 minutes or so. tomorrow we have a 18k walk. HOLY SHNIKERS!! so today we plotted out a flat 6k route along the lake that we'll head out and do tomorrow morning while the boys are in helicopter camp.

it's been hot here in southern bc and I am loving the heat and the wineries - we scoped an amazing bottle of rose/red {the sunset} at silver sage yesterday. PHENOMENAL! john flies in on wednesday...I can't wait! {and then I'll have some time to blog and post some pictures!}
xoxo

sam's town pt 2

2011-07-19T11:04:00.001-06:00

so I want to preface this a bit. I've been going back and re-reading my posts and like I said, these stories were not to be "on-the-edge-of-your-seat" page turners, but I'm hoping that they tell the story of what I learned. because I needed the reminder that when you stop and listen, you learn about the character of others or just an insight into their lives. that fascinates me. the people who live on our planet all have a story to tell. it's sometimes about just being there to listen and observe through the obvious. this is what I learned. and I hope that some of it is coming through.

for me, talking to strangers, is kinda about conquering my biggest social fears. I am good with meeting people when I'm introduced and I'm good with introducing myself to people who have some sort of connection to myself - parents of students, other teachers sitting at my table during a pd session, new neighbours. but I don't talk to strangers on the bus. I don't talk to people on airplanes. I don't make small talk with people in line. I don't talk to strangers. this is changing. I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone.

all that said, on my last day in vegas, I had great plans to hid out in denny's, then go see a movie. I had negotiated a later checkout and had about six hours to kill before my shuttle was taking me to the airport. so on my way to denny's, I wandered around all the stores in ph {'cause there's ac!} and did a bit of shopping {found a GREAT dragonfly tank top in a tattoo store!}. and then I scouted out the movie theatre so I'd know where I was going after I fed myself. but next to denny's is hard rock cafe. and I had won at the slots the night before, so I could afford to go a bit pricer than denny's so up I went! they stopped me at the door to take my picture for some 40th anniversary thing {ha!} with a stringless guitar.

so the kindle and I sat down at the bar. and then I met hugo, the bartender. and because the place was empty, we sat and chatted for a long time. I learned that he makes a good margarita. and that he was teaching computer stuff in a university in mexico at the age of 22. I learned that he moved to chicago and worked for apple. and I got tips on how to buy good tequila. and I learned that when the recession hit, apple asked him to take a pay cut that wasn't going to even pay the bills. and that now, working two jobs in vegas, he's happier and making as much money as he was when he was working for apple. I learned that two margaritas at 2pm is an okay thing when you're on vacation. and I learned that it's okay to talk to strangers and not read my book. because the things people want to talk about are sometimes more important. and that spending 90 some odd minutes in a restaurant can make a difference in how I see the world. I will go back to hard rock cafe the next time I am in vegas, because the food and people were just that memorable. all that and hangover 2 wasn't as good as the first movie was!!

sam's town

2011-07-18T23:26:00.001-06:00

it's hard to believe I've been home for a week, not that this past week was bad or anything, just busy. deck building, fence issues, nate's birthday party {he turns 8 on friday} and prepping for our family vacation that starts with 3/4 of the family on friday! the boys are home with me for the next few days. I have plans to kick them outside this afternoon!!

so, the last of my vegas stories. I met some incredible wait staff while I was on vacation and this is only because I was alone. I was talking to one of my friends about it this weekend and we were saying that when you're with someone, you really don't pay attention. I don't typically engage in conversations with bartenders and wait staff. and this is because I never eat alone. got me thinking. I know all the people who work at my starbucks. why's that? well, when I go into the store, I sit up at the counter and talk to them. okay, that and I'm a regular. they make my drink when I walk in the door. and yes, there's the whole element of service staff knowing that their tips are tied to good customer service, but when you come from the land of plenty {alberta!} and jobs are a dime a dozen in a lot of ways, general customer service goes out the window. so perhaps I'm easily impressed. that said, I was still impressed.

so on my birthday, I was in the shops at the forum {in caesars palace} and I happened upon a little restaurant. since I was hungry and in want of a nice meal, I went in. and trust me, the kindle was in my purse. took that thing everywhere! pj clarks is this little bistro-esque place with a bit of an italian feel - red checked table cloths, wait staff in long white aprons and bow ties. kinda felt a bit fancy, but not. {I know, my descriptive abilities are lacking!!} okay so it was lovely. I had some clam chowder, little fish tacos and a glass of malbec. and I chatted with the waiter, who couldn't quite figure out what I was doing there alone and the bar manager, who was from montreal. it's not like there was a big story here, but it was the start of these conversations. and the start of me being okay with being alone. and the start of me doing something new. listening.

so the next night I went to isla in treasure island. I had been there before, the first time I was in vegas. that was the night of the tequila tree with my boss and colleagues. the big joke is that I ordered a meal that I didn't remember. but the different flavours of tequila were wonderful! that said, two days before I left for vegas, a groupon showed up in my inbox for isla. I like deals, so I bought one! and when I got there, it was pretty quiet, so I sat up at the bar. and I chatted with the bartender. she asked me a lot of questions about being a teacher and what I see as the differences between the american and canadian school systems. she was telling me how when her kids were in school, she made sure that she was active in her kids schools. and how she sees now that young parents in vegas are working two + jobs and working jobs where they can't be present in their kids schooling. and then she poured me a wee shot of some lovely tequila. you know, the kind that doesn't need salt and lime. the good stuff. and this time I remember my meal - a lovely plate of chicken enchiladas! and the best part was the chilli chocolate lava cake and some sort of divine ice cream. the meal was incredible and the company was most excellent.

there is one more part to this three part story, but it's getting long {and late} so I'll write up the next one in a separate post!

{it's not a margaritaville-perfect margarita, but it was darn good!}

{I need to get my sister to bring some of this home for me - delish!}

{pretty bottles!!}

{the yummiest desert of my trip!}

the world we live in

2011-07-17T00:24:00.000-06:00

so I officially kicked ass in my 12k this morning. {okay, and note here that the two pounds I was complaining about yesterday were missing today. damn bloat.} first, I rolled out of bed at 6am and I hit the pavement at 630. I did two loops - an 8k loop, then a 4.5k, with a stop at home in the middle for a water and bathroom break. but perhaps the thing I was most proud of was the fact that on my own, I held a 10 minute kilometre. I SO want to finish this race in august with a time of 3:30. I really do. I feel stronger, fiercer and more on my game than I have ever before a race. next week is 18k. the boys and I will be in osoyoos with my mom, so she'll get my butt moving!

as far as the sugar thing went today? a tiny {for real tiny!} piece of cake at my grandma's for her birthday and a mid-afternoon mini-sized blizzard at DQ. not awful, not great. room for improvement. that said, I was more in control than I've been in a while. it feels good!

I do have a few more vegas stories, but my brain has been lost between grocery shopping, trip planning and birthday parties {nate turns 8 in less than a week!!}.

{walking, walking, walking!}

{ty & I having fun!}

{I like him}

I can't stay

2011-07-15T19:28:00.002-06:00

okay, a break in "vegas stories 2011". first some sexyback11 updates!

#1 - I was up 2 lbs. GRRRRR. okay, so maybe being up 2 lbs after being in vegas for 4 days isn't the end of the world, but it is to me!! for me, training is not conducive to weight loss. never has been. it's never been my optimal weight loss method. but my time, energy, pacing and all of the walking is really good this time around. I feel fitter, leaner and stronger, but I really wish that the numbers on the scale would match. super irritating. oh, but I should just own the fact that I had one or two margaritas on my trip and maybe some onion rings.

#2 - I have been walking. 6k on wednesday and 8k today. 12k tomorrow. I am actually looking at doing another half in december - in a warmer local. the winter training in edmonton is not pretty and not happy. so if I can train for september, october and november I'd be happy. fall in edmonton can be lovely. that's the plan, we'll see! let's make it through the training for the half coming in just over a month!

#3 - I totally can't remember what I was going to write about for #3! seriously. I'm sitting here and my mind just went blank. so I guess I am just going to leave it!

ETA: I REMEMBERED!!!
I feel icky. that reminded me. my belly is hating me right now, and has all week. so it's time. it's time to mean what I say and show that I can hit some pain. it's time for a commitment to two weeks of NO SUGAR! I would add alcohol to that, but I am going to bc to the okanagan next week and that's where they grow the stuff. I would be setting myself up for failure. but I've done the no sugar thing before and I can do it again. I have no excuses this week {or next}. included in this is me going low-carb. not no-carb, but low on the grains and pasta, high on the veg and fruit. when I did this a couple of months ago, I had a lot of success with limiting my carbs to "grains/pasta/rice" with dinner. tomorrow I am going to the farmer's market to stock up on good produce. I need to lose those two stubborn pounds FOR GOOD. {and then some more!}

my new mantra:

neon tiger

2011-07-15T06:51:00.001-06:00

I'm not a big fan of shows, but I love concerts. and I enjoy music and I especially good music. so I had decided ages ago to go to the gospel brunch at the house of blues in mandalay bay. I've never been in vegas long enough {or on the correct days!} to be able to go. seriously, it was amazing.

the music was incredible, with songs I knew and some that I've played {like "I go to the rock" from the preachers wife!}. and the food was amazing. southern food. fried chicken. biscuits and gravy. yummo!

but I think that the best part was how they seat everyone. it's random! no seriously. not that you can't sit with the people you come with, but like I was a single, so I got placed with a party of three. this way tables get filled up, I guess. so I sat with a lady and her son and her friend from phoenix. this lady {I'm going to call her china} has lived all over the world. she works for the state department and was just coming off a stint in china. her next stop was the netherlands. and when the music started, she was there with me, clapping and singing, and just having church. in vegas. oh, but her son? that boy had never experienced gospel like that. he couldn't even clap on the two and four. I think she was trying to school him. kinda funny. so the four of us shared a meal together, talked about weight watchers {'cause she was all over that}, and talked gospel music - the good stuff. donny mcclurkin, kirk franklin, hezekiah walker. and when the girl in the super sparkly dress sang an accappella rendition of amazing grace, we had a moment. the kind that gives you chills. it was a lovely way to spend a sunday morning in vegas. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

new york, new york

2011-07-14T07:11:00.001-06:00

chicago and san francisco.
in new york, new york.
at the nine fine irishmen pub.
on saturday night.

I walk in, the band is playing. the same band that always plays {I love the predicability of the place!}. there is never a chair to be had - and only a few worth having! so I went up to the bar and somehow ended up with jamison on the rocks! I started talking to the guy next to me {he was from australia} and he was drinking baileys on ice. a MUCH nicer drink than my whiskey!! the man bought me a drink. now, does that really mean much? like did I owe him something after that? duds confuse me. he was a dud. and he just kept hoovering. so I escaped by chatting with the people on the other side of me. chicago and san francisco. I actually called him chicago all night because he was wearing a chicago blackhawks cap, and honestly, I can talk hockey with strangers. so he is standing and drinking with this girl {san fran for short} and they're dancing so I just join them to avoid the dud.

so san fran looks so familiar, but just like she has one of those faces. and I say that to her. not that I know her from somewhere, just that she looks like someone I know. a bunch more australians come in, I chit chat with a girl who says it's her cousins' birthday and I say it's my birthday so I meet the cousin and then introduce all the australians to each other {'cause the first one is still being a dud}. at this point the band takes a break. chicago asks me for a cigarette. I, of course, don't have one. five minutes later, he comes back with a pack of smokes and I left with him for a smoke {like what's it been? twenty years since I had smoked a cigarette. and I remember why I never like it. EWWWW!!!}. at this point, australia gets the point {I think}, which was really my point {holy redundancy, cor!}.

chicago and I start talking. he's wearing a wedding ring. married just over a year. in vegas for some engineering convention. no kids. and we talk about that. how I was pregnant when john and I got married, and if I could have a re-do, that's what I would change. that I would have liked to just been a couple, married, for a while. and we talk about marriage and kids over a smoke in the casino. but he's super drunk. we go back in and some nice lady gives me the "all clear/two thumbs up" on the dud being gone! the band plays some more, we all dance a ton - the german models show up to dance {and they look like 16 year old boys}, all the australians {except the dud, who finally got the point}, chicago, san fran and I. then san fran and I start talking. she buys me a drink because it was my birthday {and it's after midnight now, so really, my birthday is over!}.

side note: red bull and vodka may sound like a good idea, but really is evil on all levels. all the sugar and caffeine were WRONG. and maybe one would be okay, but two is BAD. it took me almost 24 hrs to shake off the effects of the sugar and caffeine!!

okay, so here's my "small world" story. san fran and I start talking. and we talk about chicago. how he's totally her kind of guy. but that he's married and she's not going to go there. but she's sad. and conflicted. and I really have nothing of value to say {the sugar and caffeine had kicked in - my mouth wasn't keeping up to the chaos in my brain}. so I just listen. then she says to me that I look really familiar too. and was I here, in this same pub, back in december. and then it all came back to me. we had met before. had a similar conversation. she was just about to go in for major knee surgery. we had danced to, and sang the same songs as we were that night. okay. think about it. HOW STRANGE IS THAT??? very strange. I don't know what it means, if anything, but we exchanged emails. she walked chicago back to his room. and came back down to the pub. and we danced and sang along with the band until the lights came on. and she gave me a hug and we went our separate ways. and I walked back to my hotel because I was getting the shakes from all the sugar!!

I don't believe in coincidences. and this one was too strange to be random. things that make you go "hmmmm".

{same time, same place in december}

human

2011-07-13T06:30:00.002-06:00

detroit. don't know his real name, so like many of the other people I met, he's just going to be called by the city he's from. and keep in mind, it's not like I'm going deep here with a bunch of life lessons...just telling the stories!!

so on sunday night, I took my $40 and went to play the slot machines. and not just any slot machines, but the star wars penny slots! my friend leanne has schooled me well in the ways of the slot machine! so I sit down next to these lovely people and I start playing. and I lose my first $20. okay, but it's a surround sound machine. and it's old school star wars with han solo and chewy. so I put in another twenty. and then this bonus thing came up. and then this happened:

I KNOW!! who would have thought? so I cashed out and then played another $20, just 'cause at this time I was having fun!! and then I quit and walked away to get my cash. so at this point it was 1130pm and I was starving so I went and sat at the bar at johnny rockets and I sat next to a guy and we started chatting. he's from detroit. apparently cheers for the red wings and didn't have much to say about my oilers! {oh and I should mention that old mr. florida was sitting about four chairs over, totally listening to our conversation and butting in whenever possible!} and detroit is in vegas because his friend's daughter just turned 21.

so somehow we start talking about economics in the us and it leads to a conversation about race {not too sure how it segued!}. I was telling him how there is just, per capita, way less racial diversity in edmonton than in large american cities. I joked saying that three out of the ten black people in edmonton live in my house! so he tells me that he is biracial. that his mom is white and his dad is black. what can I say, my curiosity was peeked. I asked him some questions - not the usual questions you ask strangers - like did he go through some identity issues growing up, which cultural group did most identify with, and what challenges did his parents face as a biracial couple. you know, easy questions! and we chatted for quite awhile. and he told me how his mom was the more "soulful" of the two and how his parents were really involved int he civil rights movement. and he told me how often he gets mistaken for being hispanic!

then he got a phone call and he left. I paid my bill {and gave the waitress a huge tip, since I think that's what you're suppose to do when you win $300} and sat with my book to read & drink dr pepper. then two things happened. the waitress asked me if I was sure about the tip. I said yes, of course. and she told me how she uses some of her tips and the food credit she gets at her restaurant to feed a homeless man that she sees every night on her way home. and that she thinks he's a vietnam vet. and I was a bit humbled in that moment.

and then old mr. florida got up and asked me if I wanted to check out a band playing at harrods with him, and join him for a nightcap. 'cause just when your guard is down a little bit, a dud comes and messes with you and catches you coming up with a lame excuse why you definitely will NOT have a drink with old mr. florida!!

spaceman

2011-07-12T13:49:00.000-06:00

I've discovered two new things this week. #1 - travelling alone works for me. #2 - I don't like whiskey on the rocks.

the first 24 hours were rough. it's weird being alone when you're with people all day, every day. and not just people, but people and kids that want your opinion, your emotional energy, your decision making skills, your guidance. and let's be honest, I'm a talker. SHOCKING!! then, all of a sudden {and of your own doing!}, you're alone. I made a new friend on the airplane - she lives in vegas and visits alberta for vacation! but I didn't really have a meaningful conversation with anyone else for 24 hrs. and honestly, I was feeling kinda sorry for myself, mainly because I was so out of my element. and then I had a bit of an "eff this" moment. I could wait for someone to talk to me, or I could go out there and meet some people and find out their stories. so I did. and this week, as I blog, I'm going to share some of those stories with you. I met some incredible people. and I met some duds. and I had a few "holy small world, batman" moments. so yes, travelling alone is refreshing. as in, I feel refreshed. and rested {even though I'm tired!}.

and the whiskey thing, well I ordered the wrong drink in the bar. and drank it anyways. really, I wanted an irish coffee and didn't order it correctly. ended up with a shot of jamisons. ICKY!!! but I wasn't going to waste something I had spent money on, and look like an idiot in front of the bar tender. lesson learned, right? ha!

{the fountains at the bellagio}

{I do enjoy staying at the flamingo ~ there's something so tacky about it!!}

across the bridge

2011-07-07T14:36:00.000-06:00

my life, by the numbers:

8 - the number of km I walked this morning.
2 - the number of lbs I am down this week.
3.5 - the number of hours until I'm on an airplane.
6 - the number of hours until I'm in the heat of vegas.
35 - the number of hours until I'm 39 years old.
366 - the number of days until I am 40 years old.
8+ - the number of hugs and kisses I got from each of the boys this morning.
5 - the number of coupons I have for shopping in vegas.

it's a good day. hope yours is too! xoxo

hard to handle

2011-07-04T22:28:00.000-06:00

well, it's been a good first monday of summer vacation. the boys and I have been on our own for the last four days, since john has been on days. there've been movies and fast food at the mall, time with cousins and new friends on our street. there have been late nights and even later mornings! a good start to summer.

so I took the boys to my friend's cabin yesterday. it's at a lake, just 45 minutes from town. we were worried that it was going to pour, but the rain stayed away. and the boys played for hours. and we shared a bottle of wine and sat with our books. it was chilly {considering how warm the rest of the weekend was}, but it still provided a well needed rest.

today we cleaned up and came into town to an on-slaught of appointments. both boys needed their eyes checked. and my suspicions were confirmed. yet again, nate needed a new prescription. and once again, it had nearly doubled in both eyes. two summers ago, when he got his first pair he had around a -1 correction in both eyes. last summer, he was at around a -2.5/-2.75. today, he's at -4.5/-4.75. the kid has totally inherited my bad vision. when he sits in that chair, my entire childhood comes back to me - is it better or worse? one or two? sigh. but in good news, ty's eyes are still the same - no need for glasses. yet. we did get a really cute pair for nate today. I am thankful that kids glasses are cute. not like the atrocities I had to wear in the late 70s.

and then it was off to the dentist. the only thing left on the appointment checklist is physicals. I think I'll book them for the last week of august!

wheat kings

2011-07-01T22:32:00.000-06:00

happy canada day, peeps. I am grateful that I live in the greatest country in the world. it's the land of good beer, poutine, hockey and snow. the people are diverse and the land is too. I love being canadian and love that I was fortunate enough to be born in this country. it may be cold here, but it's not today, so I'm putting that out of my mind!!!

so I'm suppose to do a sexyback11 update. NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!! I am still up the 2 damn pounds from last week. sheesh. okay, so I ate crap. this week, I have no excuse. the stress is gone and my fridge will be full of good things after the boys and I go to the market. I walked 15km {aka 9.3 miles} today with my mom and sister, so I feel super strong and super fierce. but that damn number on the scale just hoops me up.

let's talk about that 15k - it's the best walk I've done yet. the last kilometre was tough and my feet hurt, but I am doing this better and faster than I ever have in the past. and I'm proud of myself.

so yes, this whole "quality of food" thing needs to change, but I'm doing fairly well in the walking department. or should I say, I did well today! and tomorrow, as I do every day, I get to start again. for that, I'm thankful.

ABCs

2011-06-26T22:21:00.000-06:00

the home stretch. the end. it's totally in sight. it's been a long, difficult year - but rewarding. my profession is a difficult one. emotional. draining. lots of payout with sometimes little in return. but as I was watching my all time favourite tv show {friday night lights} last night, I realized that all the sacrifice and hard work is worth it.

I do this job for kids who do not have parents that care. for kids who feel unheard. for kids that don't have an advocate. for kids that struggle. and sometimes I lose sight of that. I wish I could insert my favourite tami taylor teacher moment here. she's my new hero. and I am glad that for once, a tv show is portraying my profession in a realistic way. if you've watched season 5, you'll know what I'm talking about. but the whole story arc between tami and epyck is something I totally get.

I started this post on wednesday last week already, but I've been too tired to sit down and finish it. even as I sit here tonight, my entire train of thought has been lost. regardless, I think you get the point. maybe.

so I chickened out of weight watchers yesterday. I don't do that often, but I didn't have the heart to pay money, only to be told I was up 2lbs. you heard me. up. grrr. totally my fault. but still. so today, I walked 13 km {some 8+ miles!!} and had two hours to have a little chat with myself about why and how I sabotage myself. I didn't come up with any answers, but I am reminded about my inability to deal with stress. and last week {okay, so the last two weeks} has been up there in the stress department. I can't say no to sweets, sugar, ice cream, yummy-gooey-happy-chocolatey things when I am too tired and stressed to think. so this week, I am going to try again, but with a plan. get back to my walking {the weather is suppose to be nicer}, be in bed before 11pm and avoid sugar. it's a plan that works. but it's a plan that means that I need to pack my lunches. it's a plan that requires work, and planning. and it's a plan that requires sleep.

that said, I'm going to fold some laundry and get to it. those two pounds that I gained are all in serious bloat, so they had better be gone, and more, soon.

daddy's eyes

2011-06-19T21:32:00.000-06:00

1. happy father's day. you know, to all those fathers who read my blog. I fall into the fortunate. I have an amazing dad and so do my kids. I am incredibly grateful for that.

2. although I did not go to weight watchers on saturday, I did step on a scale. and I was down a whopper of a pound. it brings me to -10. I am happy.

3. it was ty's birthday on saturday. my baby is 6. it was a crazy day. our outdoor ball hockey party was forced indoors due to the rain. I'll post some pictures this week, but we ended up moving the party into the shipping/receiving area of my dad's bakery and it was AWESOME! the kids had so much fun. I was exhausted, but it was totally worth it.

4. I continue to have an incredible amount of work to do this week. I did nothing this weekend. and I will pay the price tomorrow. sigh.

5. and I'm watching 'letters to juliet' right now. because I love italy. and I'm procrastinating. like always.

tears and rain

2011-06-16T21:45:00.000-06:00

looks like I need a kick in the pants. I typically need lots of them. so I'm linking up. joining the movement. becoming one of THEM. ha!

the lovely mandy posted a comment the other day that resounded with me. yes. someone actually does comment occasionally!! she said: "Also, solid effort + solid effort + solid effort + solid effort = consistency. :)"

THAT makes sense. she may not get the whole metric thing, but she's a smart girl. sunday was a solid effort day. monday was pretty decent too. tuesday, not so much so. wednesday's lunch included a donut. you get the picture. so tomorrow, it's back to a solid effort. 'cause saturday is my weigh-in day. and darn it all, I'd like to reach that elusive -10.

short term goals?
1. down 8lbs by my birthday. less than four weeks. EEEEEKKKKK!!! I would LOVE to go into year 39 weighing less than I ever remember weighing in my adult life. gonna move it, move it. and string some solid efforts into some consistency.

2. I am walking a half marathon with my mom and sister on august 21st. we want to do a 10 minute km. that's a 3.5 hour completion. I would be happy with that.

3. and it's 12 weeks until labour day? there's a skirt in my closet that I want to wear on the first day of school. 'nuff said. it's a size 12.

4. I am going to take some "before" pictures, but they won't see the light of day until labour day. then I'll post the before and after pics. I promise.

5. and most importantly, I am going to book an appointment with my counsellor and start dealing with my stress a bit better. I need help carrying this load. and historically, that gets me into trouble. you know, when I try to do it ALL on my own. gonna try being proactive for once in my life.

oh, and on the whole comment thing, if anyone knows how to set up the comments on blogger so that I can comment back, HELP!! otherwise, please know that I read them all and try to mention them in subsequent blog posts!!

I love you all for taking the time to read...even those who comment in their heads!!!

fight outta you

2011-06-15T21:02:00.000-06:00

we're in the final stretch, boys and girls. I may not have any motivation. I may have a kid with a birthday on saturday. I may have 27 IPPs to complete by friday {individual program plans - one each for the kids in my class} and I just may have report cards to write. that said, two weeks from today, the kids will be gone for the summer. but it is the final stretch. I can do this, right?

but at what expense? I am going to be spending my summer making it up to my kids. making cookies instead of buying them. cooking food instead of mcdonalds {for a kid} and sushi {for the mom}. I'm going to spend 13 hours in the car with them so that we can go to our favourite vacation spot and create some new memories. I'm going to turn the phone off and take off my watch. and invest in my kids. I'm not good at this, at this time of year. it sucks when your mom is a teacher. and she can't go to the kid-who-got-an-award + parent special pizza lunch. and she can't come on the last day of school to help you pack up your desk and drive your stuff home. but on the flip side, she's too tired to care that you're up and riding your bike at 9 pm every night in june!!

so yes, it's busy. and yes, I'm not winning any awards in the "best mom" category. but there are only two more weeks. and they are learning how to just hold on for the ride!

over the rainbow

2011-06-12T19:16:00.000-06:00

we walked 10 km today {that's 6.2 miles for all you non-metric people out there!}. in just over a 110 minutes. that's a solid pace. a ten minute kilometre. and it's been a day predominately without sugar. not perfect, but a solid effort.

and now I'm tired. {shocking, I know!} see the bags under my eyes. sigh. if I packed lunches for small children right now, that would be one more thing off my list. so I guess it's off the arse and back to it!

how was your weekend??

songbird

2011-06-11T23:31:00.000-06:00

epic fail. okay, maybe I'm being slightly dramatic! I was down .5 today for a total of 9 lbs in what? oh yeah. 15 weeks. that's definitely less than my target of two pounds per week! however, when I look at WHAT I ate this past week, it all makes sense. and I am just grateful for the minus, since I deserved a plus! and still, 9 lbs is not too shabby - that's the size of a large baby. just gone. off my ass. okay, not my ass, but you know what I mean. and there is a mere four weeks until my birthday, so it's time to kick it up a notch. I'm aiming for those elusive two pounds a week for a total of 8. that would be good. the question is, am I willing to put in the work necessary to make it happen? I want to say YES! {with a resounding bit of determination} but the truth is that we are heading into the last two weeks of school and I don't know if I have the fortitude to stick with it.

that said, my mom is back in town so she'll get my butt moving on our long walk tomorrow. 10km. and this week, I need to just get out there and do it. get my time in on my shoes. not too sure if this whole "no sugar" thing is something I have energy for. if not, I'm not going to stress. I'm just going to go back to the basics of tracking and eating my 5-6 small meals a day, combining a complex carb with a protein. it's what works for me. I bought tons of fresh veg at the market today, so I'll start there. I can do this. I can kick eight pounds of lard to the curb before my birthday. I can go into my 39th year on this planet stronger, thinner and healthier than I've ever been. {okay, all this self-motivating talk is tempting me into going back to no sugar...grrr!} I'm not going to commit to that right now, but I know it's what I need to do. maybe I just take it day by day.

longitude

2011-06-06T22:14:00.000-06:00

well, THAT was a disaster! and I am fighting the old feelings of failure and defeat. but like I told ty during a soccer game last week, "you need to fight back by getting in the game and scoring some goals". and this was after he got pushed by another kid on the other team. and this is me talking myself down of the ledge of "throwing in the towel". my usual m.o. is to just quit everything because I had a couple of bad days. but dude. I need to take my own advice and just get back in the game. today, I just stuck to my points and gave up on the sugar thing. fighting this sugar battle during a high stress + pms week is just not honouring my body. or my mind. so today I just tracked everything. and I am not going to throw in the towel, I am just going to get up and try again tomorrow. and that in and of itself is a victory. the psychological hurdles are so much higher than the physical ones. and I need to focus on the positive - like I went into a store today and bought a dress {yeah, I know. a dress}. and I bought a large. not an extra large. a large at a regular store. and a medium cardie. I didn't even look at the size until I got home. and it says medium. so yes, I "perhaps" have had a rough go with cutting out sugar. but tonight I'm going to celebrate the successes. with a cinnamon bun. 'cause a carrot stick just doesn't cut it!! {and every bit of those 8 points was worth it!}

no arrows

2011-06-02T22:52:00.000-06:00

well, day one wasn't awful. but it wasn't great either. there was some ice cream tonight. and a rum + diet coke just an hour ago. but other than that, it wasn't awful. an okay first day. I am having some emotional eating issues in the last 24 hours. I am trying not to think too much and therefore distracting myself with food. there have been some fairly significant kid issues at school this week and some are just hitting a bit too close to home. I am pms'ing big time and the combination of this type of stress and hormones are creating a bit of a perfect storm. I mean, I had mcdonalds for the first time in FOREVER on tuesday night. a two cheeseburger meal. and I don't even eat beef. I suspect I will pay the price on the scale on saturday. that said, I am due for a long walk tomorrow. and a salad. I am craving these two things. sigh.

in other news, we have grass! {yes, this news deserves it's own line!!}

and I get to accompany the grade 9s out to camp for the day tomorrow {we get to go to nakamun!!}. a day away from "the building" will suit me just fine. there are just some stressors that are not good for my spirit. and I feel just very heavy with information I am carrying. I know I'm being vague. I have to be. but if you are the praying sort, pray that I have words to speak and the instinct to know when to speak them. as hard as today was, I know more than ever, that I am where I am suppose to be for this moment. but in knowing that, I also feel helpless. I am not seeing hope right now. perhaps some sunshine and a day outdoors in a beautiful camp will change some of that. tonight I ate some ice cream and drank some rum just to distract myself from thinking. tomorrow I'll get in a canoe and work my body hard. and perhaps the need for tonights "medicine" will not be needed tomorrow.

twist the knife

2011-06-01T22:25:00.001-06:00

lots of miscellaneous tonight. the last post was a tad heavy. this one, well hopefully not so much!

1. LOVE this picture! that's my boy --- in action! it's been a tough, tough week. John is on days {7am to 7pm} and so I am ON. getting the boys up and dressed and out of the house. work all day. pick up the kids. feed the kids. get them to soccer. I am SO tired. one more day!

2. I've been avoiding posting this week because I know that I need to fix my intake/inhaling of food that has mysteriously occurred over the last few days. no seriously. so starting tomorrow, I'm challenging myself to a 2.5 week no-sugar/low carbs challenge. from tomorrow until june 17th. so what's that? 16 days? yeah. I've totally over done it in the last 48 hours and I feel like shit. and it started after I walked the other night. on monday night I went for a walk and I did 7.5km. by myself. and I felt good. and motivated. and it's all fallen apart since then! so tomorrow, I start again. and YOU are my accountablilty. I'll keep you posted on my daily progress, because I know I am going to have a big fat headache tomorrow. yippie.

3. and when all is said and done, I am really hoping that my mom-in-law will take the boys on friday night {yes, overnight} because I am too exhausted to even think. it's been a terribly emotional week {kid stuff happening at school...} and I need to refill me. I need to go to the market alone on saturday. I need a night out with my husband on friday night. I need to nap. and finish my book. and be refreshed before I tackle the last 3 weeks of school.

good times!

waiting on a sign

2011-05-29T09:00:00.000-06:00

so I read THIS this past week. and if you read it, feel free to read my somewhat coherent comment that followed. ha!

but it continues to stick with me. speak something worth repeating. be worth echoing.

I know darn well that mandy was writing about creativity and inspiration and creating something new, something echoed, something reflecting. but yet the words are haunting me. following me. swirling around in my very, very cluttered brain.

and maybe because it strikes a chord with me in a way that I hadn't anticipated. in a place that I don't really like to go looking. it's that old, dusty place that operates unconsciously. with habits and thought processes that are decades old, formed by a look. a misplaced comment. a slight. a bit of neglect. stamped into a self-conscious that was a mouldable piece of soft clay, not yet hardened into the lovely piece of woman-girl-mother-wife that exists today. but leaving the mark. that mark. the mark of unworthiness.

until this moment {oh, and the next as well!}, I have allowed my self worth to be shaped by my past. I have craved affirmation. I have sought the approval of others. I have undone myself to fit a mould. and I have lost myself along the way. I have always been curious. creative. intuitive. and yet, with the messages that I learned to believe about myself along the way, I became dulled. a copy. afraid.

and although I am not "THERE" yet, I am beginning to feel angry at what I've wasted. I am saddened by my fear. and impressed that it's not all dead and gone! I have made poor, poor choices. I am a great sinner. I have {and often continue to!} cursed and sworn and been arrogant, judgemental and proud. but no longer does that have to define me. somewhere in all the mess, my life has been saved. shown grace. the past redeemed. recovered. refound. and there is a little speck of my soul that is craving something new. something worth echoing.

and all of this is just swirling in my head. knowing change needs to be made. knowing that all the pieces are connected. knowing that all will be well. and trusting that this journey, this painful and difficult journey, is one worth taking.

be worth echoing. live a life worth repeating. be more than the lies you've been told. be who you were created to be. and know that you are not alone.

country clutter

2011-05-28T20:02:00.000-06:00

well, for a short work week it was sure long. five days of work crammed into four isn't good in may. that said, having a long weekend in may is good. here in lies the paradox. and on top of it, it was rainy and cold and grey most of the week. ty's soccer got canceled on wednesday {it was only a practice} and nate's thursday game was cold and windy. today, however, was lovely.

nate was up early and he came to weight watchers with me {down 1 this week}; we got home and the two we left there were still sound asleep! once ty wandered out of bed, I took the boys to the downtown market. it opened up last weekend, but we were away, so today was our first farmer's market of the season! I got pasta, hummus, eggs, peppers, tomatoes...all yummy, locally grown/raised foods. and fresh things inspire me to cook. so I made a pasta salad with a bunch of the stuff I came home with. totally delish!

and as the salad was doing its "flavour melding", I went for a walk. the boys came along on their bikes. 6k and they did pretty good. this new bike thing was good for them. ty's old bike was so small that he had to work so hard to get any speed. this new bike of his is just so much easier! and he's happier. which means I'm happier.

{having a hotdog at the market}

so I was feeling a bit discouraged this morning, only being down one pound this week. my scale at home had me closer to down two pounds. my scale is almost NEVER right, and I know that, but it's occasionally right which means that it always gives me hope! grrr. then I had a revelation {mainly because I wrote a bunch of information down in the front of my ww booklet}. as of today, I am down twenty pounds from where I was when I started weight watchers in december of 2008. and yes, I've been here before, but regardless, I am still down twenty. when I look at it that way, I am pretty pleased with my one pound. because I will always want one pound to be two and two to be three, but regardless of how long it takes me, I am still down twenty. and twenty seems like a huge number!! weight loss is 75% psychological. at least mine is. and that 75% often gets the better of me. but today, I walked 6km in 60 minutes and I beat down that psycho {ha!} part of me!!

feel love

2011-05-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

{boys with new birthday bikes}

{no more knees hitting the handle bars}

{a big bike for a growing boy!}

{but posing with the stanley cup may just be the highlight of ty's day!!}

{hockey lovers through and through...}

ty turns six next month and nate will be eight in july. so grandma and opa bought the boys new bikes and bought them now so they'd have all summer to ride them and enjoy them. we've always bought used bikes for the kids and these are new and super shiny. they haven't stopped smiling!

plus, nate learned how to tie laces last night. my friend yvonne sat down with him for 10 or 15 minutes and showed him and it stuck! he is so proud of himself. and I'm proud of him too. and glad I did have to do the teaching on that one!!

I will not be broken

2011-05-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

so I was having a chat with a friend tonight and we were discussing music {we like the same kind, overall} and blog titles. I always have a good chuckle when I see where my blog visitors are from - and trust me, they come from everywhere. oh, and these are not blog readers, these are blog visitors. damn google. I have good reason to think that it has everything to do with my blog titles. I hate thinking of titles. I can't be witty all the time. I have an old brain that doesn't like to think. so a couple of years ago I just started using song titles as my blog titles {hence all the random visitors, looking for band/lyric websites!}. often they mean nothing. and occasionally they are chosen with intent. but when you see the sometimes obvious pattern in my blog titles, you will know darn well what album is currently seeing a lot of playtime on my iTunes account. and perhaps, this is sometimes the most subtle way I know to express emotion without having to spell it out.

when I blog, I am often tired - I usually write at the end of my day {unless it's spring break or summer vacation!} and so I don't always feel like my content is of value to anyone but myself. I write for me. I write because when I speak, I solve problems. I dig deeper. I evaluate my motives. I break down my intentions. I make changes. I commit to change. I become who I was meant to be. but because my audience is usually just myself {no offence, all you lovely readers out there!}, I don't always take the time to be deep and meaningful. I sometimes ramble on about the mundane. the ordinary. but when you string a week of blog titles together, sometimes you get a glimpse of where I'm really at. the details behind the "fine" when asked "how are you doing?".

so yes, I am currently all about ben harper as I try to avoid my life - thinking too deeply, holding to my self-imposed commitments, and other serious things that involve decision making - and I just sail on the tides of letting myself plan and dream and live in a place where I can sit on a hill with my friends and see nothing but candles and hear ben harper's voice sing only for me. avoidance. it's where I am right now.

good thing tomorrow is a new day. fresh with no mistakes on it. with mercies that are new. 'cause this weekend may have beat me up just a bit!!!

spilling faith

2011-05-22T17:14:00.000-06:00

well it's been an eventful long weekend - in a good way. the boys and I took off on thursday night and headed two hours up north to the great metropolis of glendon, alberta. home of the giant perogy and my friend coralee! although my kids are city kids through and through, I do try to school them in all things rural on occasion. heading out to the country is what I can do to help my kids not to be scared of bugs, dirt, tractors and wildlife!! it was fun. and good. good to be away from my "needing to be cleaned house" and from laundry. to sit in the hot sun and forget to wear sunscreen. oh but the bugs. I am COVERED in mosquito bites. it actually looks like I have hives on my hands - and maybe I do; I'll be keeping an eye on them!

today we walked almost 9 km, as per our schedule. I was off by 3.25 km this last week, but once again, I'm pretty impressed that I am hitting the pavement as much as I have been, considering my schedule. yeah me! didn't go to weight watchers this weekend, so there's no report in that department, but I just may have had a few "off" days. it feels good to be back on track today!

how's your weekend been??

rock n' roll is free

2011-05-16T22:32:00.000-06:00

okay, so the new ben harper album came down the pipes today. sigh. being on the hill last summer, watching him perform was totally in my top three concert experiences. I have my brother to thank for my love of ben harper. and this album makes me happy!

"...I don't even know myself, what it would take to know myself, I need to change, I don't know how, don't give up on me now" {don't give up on me now ~ ben harper}

so we walked 7km {that's 4.4 miles, mandy!!} yesterday. face first into the wind for half of the loop. brutal. I had seriously told myself that I wouldn't complain about the weather once spring showed up and the sun started sharing the heat, but this wind and the hordes of swarming mosquitos is beginning to irritate me. it's been an awful weather year. we lived through 6 months of snow - big snow. and now this. I get tired of it.

and the no-sugar thing has been going fairly well. I had a small piece of chocolate today - the 75% cocoa kind. and I had two smoothies. my morning smoothy of berries, greek yogurt, blueberry juice and protein powder is a standard right now, but this afternoon I got home from school and was so hungry, so I made myself a spinach-blueberry-coconut milk-pineapple smoothy. it's a nasty colour {green+blue+yellow = icky!}, but it tastes really nice. I need to buy some more pineapple... I made ty a mango-orange creamsicle one tonight - I used coconut milk with regular milk - and he really liked it. nate got his standard "funky monkey" - banana+chocolate milk! my blender gets abused and beaten up with all the stuff I expect it to blend!! needless to say, not limiting my "sugar-from-fruit" has really helped me make the transition to a cleaner and healthier eater. some day I may limit my fruit, but for now, it's a way healthier choice than what I was making before. and then there is my new love: toast with apple butter. I bought the organic stuff with nothing added and I tell ya, it's a great treat when I need a little something sweet.

I am not saying, by any means, that I have this thing mastered, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am in control of what I eat and not food being in control of me. a step in the right direction...

graveyard shift

2011-05-14T22:25:00.000-06:00

downloaded the new sam roberts cd today. I've listened to three songs and I liked all three. this is a good sign! I have a couple of friends who are HUGE sam roberts fans and although I like his stuff, I've never put him in the same category as my brandon flowers or the killers. well this album may be turning me a bit. and maybe, just maybe, he'll headline at folk fest this year. that would be AMAZING. oohhh, but mumford and sons would be cool too. okay, well you get my drift.

so I completed 19 out of 21 of my required kms this week. two short ain't bad for a first week back at it and a week of super wind. and I was down 0.2 on the scale today. yeah me. sheesh. I am only going to see the positive in this one and that's that I was down. period.

nate rode his bike while I walked today - it was kinda fun trying to keep up with him. I'd do that again!

{he rode a head of me the whole time}

{had to stop by the lake to look at the geese - that's what those are, right??}

{I took these from on top of the hill, just hoping they didn't charge for the boy!!}

good times in the 'hood!

these words

2011-05-13T22:42:00.000-06:00

I eluded to this a bit {the day before} yesterday, but I think I need to get my thoughts on this topic out of my head and onto a place where I can process them and see them. goal setting.

I suck at making goals. how do I know this? well, I don't often complete my goals. as far as I can see, it has more to do with my creation of a good or smart goal than anything else. and really, it's not that I suck at writing up a good goal - I do this professionally all the time. it's part of what I do for my kids on a term to term basis. in fact, I write two goals, each with three objectives, for each of my students. then I monitor their progress. so why can't I do this on a personal level? yeah. good question. so this is what I've been exploring the last few days. I want to lose weight. I want to walk a half marathon. I want to pay off a credit card. I want. I want. I want. but I never really make a plan, and definitely never talk about the plan. I have become who I've been told I am. but oddly enough, it's not really who I am.

so at almost 39 years old, I am going to actively work to change this. and strangely enough, this half marathon + no sugar dealy thing are the two things that are going to change a few things. I am tired. tired of giving up on myself. and as I tell my kids at school, I am the only person with the power to change my behaviour, even if it's 30+ years of bad-habit-bad-self-talk behaviour. what does have to do with goal setting? for me, everything. it's time to set some good/smart goals. and it's time to just decide that all my energy is going towards achieving them.

the goal:
1. it is 8 weeks until my birthday. I want to be down 10 pounds by my birthday. that is a little over a pound a week. and down 10 from where I am now puts me over my elusive psychological hump. the number on the scale that I don't EVER recall seeing in my adult life.

the plan:
a) follow my walking schedule like it's no ones business. do my long walks with my mom & sister and do my short walks {unless the weather is awful} so that I get my kms on my shoes. on the days when john is working nights, I will do my workout dvd - it's not walking, but it's exercise.

b) continue eating clean, following weight watchers and eating little to no sugar. this past week I've had very little sugar and the sugar I did have was either accidental or natural {honey, agave, etc}. when I keep this up at about the 90-95% level, my belly feels MUCH better and I have more energy. I have not been so regimental about my carbs this time around, but I am being conscious of them and it's helping my bloaty-belly-icky-gassy-gross thing that apparently I've been living with WAY too long and only realized how awful that was when it was gone. I don't want that back. {and here in lies a big part of my motivation with this eating style...life's too short to feel this icky all the time} part of this is also cutting back my alcohol intake. one glass of wine is good enough. john and I don't need to finish the bottle.

the goal:
2. it is 14 weeks until the half marathon. I want to be down 25 pounds by then. and I want to do it in 3 hours {the half, not the losing weight!!}

the plan:
a) follow the walking schedule religiously {same as above!}
b) continue with eating clean {same as above!}
c) reward myself with a really cute lululemon hoodie that I saw today.

bottom line is: if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. clean eating, cutting out booze, walking half marathons - these all take a lot of hard work and planning. so I guess I'll be showing up at the party with my salad or quinoa and perhaps I'll have a bit less margarita. and that's okay. for once, I'm realizing that I'm worth it. and that I can do this.

unwritten

2011-05-11T22:32:00.000-06:00

let's start with some pictures...

{ty & john}

so the dr's office called and ty has strep throat. he's been so out of sorts this week - super angry and super clingy. well I guess I was kinda hyper-emotional too the week I was sick. last night he was in bed on time {for him!} and then in our bed at around 1230. this time I moved. well this morning, this is the sight I walked into: sound asleep, ty holding on to john's arm for dear life. LOVE.

{hitting the pavement}

so you know how I said that I was going to do a half marathon this summer with my mom and my sister? well, the training has begun! I walked a total of 7.6 km on sunday, 4.5 km last night and 3.2 km tonight. that is 15.4 km this week. I need to complete 5.6 more to get my week's goal done. new shoes and an iPod make all the difference. the view of the sunset last night wasn't so bad either!

{the sunset}

I have HUGE motivational issues when it comes to training. I hate training. in the past I've solely relied on my mom and sister to be the driving force of my motivation. we plan our weekend long walks together and they sorta keep my ass going. well this time I am going to be my own motivation. or I'm going to try to be. the half marathon is 15 weeks away and there are some weight and health goals that I really want to accomplish by then. I know that my motivation will wain, but until it does, I am going to follow the walking plan and get my kms in, come hell or high water {or shift work!}.

{nate in goal for his first shift of the night. no action!}

I realized that I've posted some pictures of ty playing soccer - this one is of nate from tuesday night. he played a good game!

{ty sat on my lap for most of it!}

the stand

2011-05-09T21:07:00.001-06:00

sigh. I am not a hugh mother's day person. that said, I'll take any excuse for some time off {as in my last post!}. but I am a fan of my mother. although not perfect, she's pretty damn cool. a decent human being and a wonderful role model. any sort of parenting that I do with any skill is because of the great job my mom did. and she's not all super mushy and huggy, but she demanded independence, cultivated creativity, and we NEVER lipped her off. maybe the biggest thing I remember growing up was that our house was always open - to their friends, people in need and neglected children; but also always open to our friends. there were always kids at our house - playing, sleeping over, building forts, hanging out...you name it. and in the midst of all the chaos, I learned how to cook for a crowd, how to be happy for a dishwasher {trust me. doing dishes for 8 is NOT happy}, how to do my own laundry and how to care for others --- all because of my mom. although growing up I often felt like I had to fight for time and attention, she is the person I call almost daily to chat with about my day. she asks me how I did at weight watchers. she gives me running shoes and tells me that I am walking another half with her and my sister. and knows that I need that push. so I may not love the celebration of being a mom {I often feel so inadequate}, I am certainly okay with celebrating MY mom.

so you may be asking, what did my lovely children give me for mother's day? well, the kids did this clay thing at school and they each made me something special:

{a toucan from nate - a lovely shade of gold, if you didn't see that!}

{an underwater themed picture frame and a little bag from ty}

and I know that a lot of people treasure these elementary crafts and keep them on display for years to come, and perhaps store them in a special box for memories and such. not me. they get ONE month in my house. then they will find a nice spot elsewhere. forever. apparently I am more like my mom than I realize.

strange cup of tea

2011-05-06T22:53:00.000-06:00

since I promised pictures {most of these match my last post!}

{breakfast at timmys in the mall - the boys sat and watched skating}

{the pixies concert last sunday night}

{someone is SUPER excited about his first game!}

{and he's kinda liking his practice on wednesday night too!}

it's just too bad that he's been sick ever since. he ran a fever off and on for over 24 hours paired with a sore throat. he stayed home with john on thursday {john's on nights right now!} and I stayed home today and took him to the doctor. same gig as me, I think. just a cold. poor kid. it didn't stop me from shipping him {and nate} off to grandma's house tonight. john is in the middle of his nights rotation and both of us, due to the sick boy, are running on no sleep. so off to grandma's they went!

and so I've decided that the gift of an empty house for 20 hours is the best mother's day gift ever.

{so this is my evening. an excellent bottle of wine. in a new tumbler.}

what are you up to tonight?

I'm just a kid

2011-05-03T21:20:00.000-06:00

well, I've survived the massive cold of spring 2011. it's been a rough 10 days or so of cold movement through my chest, throat and nose and it has now created a permanent {it feels like} home in my sinuses. blah. I'll do a wee re-cap on my week:

1. thursday last week: yeah. I have no recollection of this day at all. I "taught" all day and then came home and slept. I think.

2. friday last week: we had a pd day at school. and for once, it was good and productive and generally happy! I was exhausted by the end of it - mentally and physically. the boys and I went for supper with my sister. that was nice...

3. saturday: john was still on days; the boys and I did a bunch of running around in the morning. weight watchers for a weigh in {down 3 lbs...yippie!!}. the mall for some breakfast and birthday present shopping. then ty had a birthday party to attend. then nate did {his was a sleep over, so I was down to one kid over night!}. then I picked ty up and he went to a friends house for a bit while I had coffee with a friend. it was nice and low key!

4. sunday: ty and I were at church EARLY! I was on media, so he just hung out with me behind the computers. then we went and bought some groceries and grabbed some lunch. hanging out with ty is fun. I like that kid. then we went and picked up nate and RACED home so that katrina could pick me up for the pixies concert! now THAT was a good time! it was super loud and super awesome. I like that. I didn't get home until 1130 that night - way too late for a sick girl. sigh.

5. monday: TIRED! shocking. and we started soccer on monday night. ty plays on mondays and wednesdays. nate plays tuesday-thursdays. I love watching the boys play, especially when the sun is shining and it's lovely outside. monday was LOVELY. 'cause after soccer I came home, poured a glass of wine and watched election results. loved that!

6. today: cold. rain. grey. soccer wasn't so fun tonight. holy wind, batman. I came home and took a long shower just to warm up and steam out my sinuses.

yeah. and now we're dealing with over-tired kids. and I wasn't able to participate in the sugar challenge that I was planning to do before I got sick. I just had no motivation. so I am going to start up again tomorrow. I tried today but hit a little glitch at about 3:45. it was called the coconut mocha frappuccino. and I didn't really like it. {okay, I liked it just a wee bit!}

so how was your week?? I throw some pictures in here soon. too hard to do while fighting with small children...

fix you

2011-04-27T21:15:00.000-06:00

so the doctor's office never called. which means pneumonia is unlikely. considering that it's move up into my sinuses, that makes sense. not too sure if I don't like breathing because my it feels like someone is sitting on my chest or if I don't like breathing because my nose is plugged. both suck. I'm in sucky-sick mode. blah. so, some wednesday cheer:

{the natester got a shining star at school today...}

{for excellence in his writing}

I'll let you know that I think all the kids in his class got this, but hey. I'll brag on the one I own! kid number two has been educating me on "sm". he says that there was a lady in the library that was telling them about "sm" and about how your brain sends fast messages to your nerves. so I started asking. "what's sm?" okay, the kid really tried to get something out. none of which made any sense. then I had an "a-ha" moment. he's talking about "ms" - multiple sclerosis. he's a lefty and often makes reversals! and what five year old can remember how to say multiple sclerosis? not mine. but hey, he tried really hard! and although he's sad tonight that his favourite hockey player, pk subban, is not moving forward in the playoffs, I'm glad he could educate me about the nervous system!

42

2011-04-26T21:53:00.000-06:00

so I managed a half day of school today. and that was just barely. I seriously feel like I've had the wind kicked out of me. so I saw my doctor - she swabbed my throat for strep and sent me for a chest x-ray to see if I have pneumonia. apparently there was a crackle in my right lung. I should know tomorrow. meanwhile, I'm spending my night writing sub plans. there is no way I can teach like this. no voice. no air. no energy. sigh.

however, my sweet nate made a card for me last night that just made me smile!

{such a pretty dress I'm wearing. and I love that he drew my necklace - the one that has all of our names on it! oh, and my hair. love that too!}

he lost his fifth tooth in the middle of the night last night. woke me up at 2 am to tell me. it was already under his pillow waiting for the tooth fairy. good times. alas. I need to sleep. I just don't know if I'll be able to. fun, fun times!

lost?

2011-04-25T21:45:00.000-06:00

yes, it's british bands/song titles for blog titles this week in honour of the royal wedding! and what can I say? I'm in a coldplay mood!

and yes, this is my second post of the day. I just wanted to show you the cards we made for club tonight. I had such a good time, and it was a good distraction from feeling so sick. that and the lovely alyssa came along with susan which was a nice treat too!!

{one for mother's day}

{and one for father's day...even though this actual one says thank you!}

oh, and all products to make these lovely creatures are from stampin' up!

violet hill

2011-04-25T11:42:00.000-06:00

nothing like the sore throat from hell to wreck a long weekend. out of the blue, with no warning, it hit on saturday night. and it was a solitary sore throat. well, after barely sleeping on saturday night, sunday morning - the day in which I was suppose to start enjoying booze again...I mean the day that we are suppose to celebrate the resurrection of our saviour - was AWFUL. I don't remember much of church {three extra strength cold f/x, some b12 plus advil cold and sinus makes for a foggy brain}, and dinner didn't taste completely right {thank goodness for take-home containers!}. plus, chocolate doesn't taste quite as good since my round 1 of a lovely sugar challenge. sigh. I had one glass of wine with dinner. a coveted bottle of layer cake {the shiraz} just wasn't as good as it was at christmas either. nothing was good yesterday. we walked in the house and I took some more meds and went straight to bed. easter sunday sucked.

this morning, although it hasn't been a ton better, has been better. we haven't had to leave the house. I haven't had to shower yet {okay, but I totally need to because I STINK!}. the kids are watching movies. and I've been able to enjoy a pot of coffee with my mini bottle of baileys. this cold has migrated from my throat into my sinuses and chest, but the whole "throat on fire" thing is gone.

so tomorrow I start my round two of a sugar challenge {I wasn't around for their round one so for me this is round two, not three!}. I do make some modifications though. last time, I cut almost all non-fruit and non-veggie carbs from my diet for two weeks. I had some grains with dinner, but other than that, I stayed away from grain-based carbs for two weeks. as a result of this decision, I did not limit my fruit intake, as they are doing in this challenge. when all was said and done, I saw losses on the scale both weeks, even with this last week having some major hiccups {accidentally/on purpose sugar OD on thursday and ate out a TON on friday}. because I'm so sick-ish today {and needed to get that mini of baileys out of my system...I've been looking at it for 7 weeks!!}, I am starting tomorrow. and I am going to keep to my same modifications, only I am going to try having some grain-based carbs with lunch and do more of a salad with protein for dinner. I just found it hard with school, to pack a salad every day. not impossible, just difficult. I'll try this for a bit and see if it makes a difference. and yes, this means no booze for two more weeks. I didn't do so bad for lent, so I can do two more weeks, right? and I suppose if I just HAD to have a glass of wine, I could do one glass. {yeah, like that ever happens!} if this is a new lifestyle choice for me I will need to get real about where alcohol fits into it.

I have discovered, over this season of lent, that I can say no. I can stick to my guns. I can put up with the jokes and the ribbing from my colleagues. I can follow through on my word. I can live in moderation. I am not a quitter. I read something interesting this morning that just got me thinking:

"I am unfaithful. I love the Avett Brothers' line "I like to think that I'm a faithful man but it may not be true" because that's me, always teetering. I want to be one of the people who gets to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" when I am finally face to face with God, but I kind of get the feeling it'll be more like, "Wow, you sure effed up a lot. Good thing I gotcha covered."" {got this from Tamara Out Loud}.

and it's true. I may have done the no-booze thing over lent, but that's about all I did. I bailed on the rest of my lent commitments. it's a good thing that perhaps that is the whole point. it's in the failing that I recognize His strength. it's in my inadequacies that I recognize His grace. and it's in my unfaithfulness that I see that He is always faithful.

strawberry swing

2011-04-23T13:00:00.000-06:00

my long weekend {or maybe just the last week!} in pictures... {so far!}

{lazing in bed on wednesday morning...well before the long weekend, but still how we do business here!!}

{the berry smoothie; the boys and I make these for snack almost every night. this one required a TI pirate cup!}

{the painting that we all contributed to at church on friday morning}

{voting at the advance polls on friday...only two out of four names were familiar on that ballot. no signs, no pamphlets, no nothing on the bottom two. just wrong.}

{going for coffee, alone, after church, voting, buying groceries...the lovely doppio espresso con panna!}

{getting the dye ready for the boys}

{eggs were boiled and everything lined up}

{yes, I bought a kit. just be impressed that I didn't do it on sunday morning before church...'cause you know that has happened in the past!!}

{eggs the kids came home with this week}

{and these are our final products!}

I'll do a more in depth post later this weekend...

have a blessed easter.

I bruise easily

2011-04-18T22:26:00.000-06:00

day 8. no headaches any more. but I am fighting the psychological need I have for junk. I have some "clean" sweets that I pull out in case of an emergency, but those are for emergencies only. and the sugar in them is all natural. so this week, my goal is to continue with no sugar {natural/clean, fake, natural-ish/unclean} no carbs until dinner {except fruits and veg} and to continue tracking everything I eat. I survived today which means I can do this again tomorrow. and be successful. it took me many years to put weight on, it's not going to come off over night {I WISH!}; however, I feel like I am finally setting myself up for success.

okay. I'm typing and falling asleep at the same time. the kids went to bed early-ish {and without fighting, I may add!!} so I need to take advantage of the quiet house and attempt to get 7+ hours of sleep tonight...

xoxo

showtime

2011-04-17T16:39:00.000-06:00

so my friend did a bit of a blog review/fave posts thing on her blog this weekend. and she was kind enough to post my blog {thanks, suz!}. I would reciprocate, since I think she's a great writer, brutally honest and super funny; however, she keeps all of her loveliness under lock and key! some day soon, I'll get her to guest post something...!

okay, fave blog post #1: my newest love, the gracious pantry. and this post is what I am going to try to make for breakfast some point this week!

the gracious pantry

this site is a fantastic resource for recipes and meal ideas and they've all been modified so that they're clean and healthy! PLUS, she puts all the nutritional information after the recipes, which is great for calculation points!

fave blog post #2: this blog post popped up today. and as are all of serena's posts, this one was timely on so many levels. I quote her all the time and her perspective/thoughts/theology on grace have continued to renew my soul and it keeps me searching and looking for more in my relationship with God.

grace is for sinners

and this post, this morning, well go and read it for yourself. I need to read it again.

fave blog post #3: this one is not just one post. I don't have a favourite post, it's just one of my favourite blogs. it's a place that invites comments and conversation. and I like that. mandy is super authentic and I think I posted once {in her comments!} that I think she's a person I could be friends with in real life.

mandythompson.com

fave blog post #4: and this one is not just one post either. as a writer and storyteller {dude, that's what teaching social studies makes me!}, this blog excited me when it got started. it features daily stories from some amazing bloggers and storytellers, with a focus on faith and controversy, it's totally up my alley!

a deeper story

go check out some of the stories - they rock! and they'll get you thinking.

okay - that's all I have for today {because trust me, I have lots more that I visit daily...you can check out the links on my side bar!} - what are your faves?

billy brown

2011-04-16T10:15:00.000-06:00

well yesterday was ROUGH. super rough. I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep. how do I know? I wake up with the worst headache ever. yesterday I woke up with one of these and the meds I took were not even enough to make a small dent in it. BRUTAL. and it was not a pretty/easy/lovely day at school either. {of course!} needless to say, sleep is what usually gets rid of the monster, so I was in bed by 9. and now up at 730! sugar/carbs wise, it was a pretty good day. since I was feeling so awful, I had a mid afternoon meal/snack of some cheese, an egg, apple and a small pita with peanut butter. it didn't get rid of my headache, but I wasn't hungry again until about 7! needless to say, it was an off day. but I held the course with my eating.

and then I went to weight watchers this morning. and I have to put everything in perspective. I'll explain: last week I didn't go. I worked that casino last weekend, had been in the throws of the pms from hell, and had totally crashed/failed/feeling like a failure on that sugar challenge. so last saturday, I stayed in bed. I got on the scale the next day and I was up two pounds. when I went this week, I was down 1.2 from two weeks ago {which in my head sounds like all my work was for nothing!!} when really, I was down 3 from last sunday. does that make any sense? add in there that apparently my scale has a 1 pound difference in the WRONG direction...!! yeah, it was hard not to be discouraged about this weeks progress. remembering what the scale said last weekend helps.

okay. and let's talk about something super important: butternut squash. why have I never eaten this before? no seriously. I love the stuff. gonna go to costco this afternoon to get some more {it's impossible to find in this city as a whole squash...grrr}.

{and yes, I pay every week to get the stickers!!}

I do have deeper, more interesting things to write about but they're buried deep in the back of my head. I'll gather my thoughts and get back to you!! off to go pack a suitcase for the wee ones. they are having a sleep over at grandma's tonight! yippie!!

in repair

2011-04-14T22:18:00.000-06:00

just a heads up, this is a "yeah me" post. so if you can't respond with a "you go girl", then stop reading. I only want to hear the positives!!

1. no headache today.
2. there was a potluck at school today and I still brought my own lunch. and I ate it. in the same room as everyone else. and I survived.
3. I had two of my little chocolates to make me feel better about not eating the tub of cool whip that was sitting out for the potluck. yes, I am still an emotional eater.
4. I didn't really want the potluck food. I really wanted my salad. {so odd}
5. other than that wee bit of chocolate, every other carb I ate today was a complex carb and most of it came from fruits and veggies.
6. I made butternut squash for the first time ever, but then I was scared to eat it. after trying it, I'm confused why I'm 38 and eating this treat for the first time ever.
7. and I did 12 push ups and a half plank for no good reason. SO ODD!

I am going to go out on a limb and say that I made it through detox. PHEW! now only ten more days to go! two weeks of no sugar isn't easy by any means. but I am having an easier time by really cutting out all simple carbs and relying on fruits and veggies for my complex carbs. it's not a permanent diet change, there are totally healthy grains out there that are good and clean, but for now, it seems that cutting back on grains is helping me detox out of my sugar addiction. plus. I had a blueberry-kiwi protein smoothie for breakfast today that was so super good. who knew I would need to find a place for my blender out on my counter? now I just need to get to sleep earlier...

bridge over troubled water

2011-04-13T22:44:00.000-06:00

yes, I'm watching american idol. I can handle this show at this stage of the game. no mom's are lying to their kids about being good singers when they are obviously tone deaf. they all kick butt by the time the final ten hit. I can even stomach j-lo and steven tyler. but will.i.am has been on a ton. and I kinda like him.

okay. so day three {because you're dying to know!!} and no chocolate required. I had a short headache at around 5pm and it was short lived. I was hungry. and it had been a long afternoon {I was in the office. it was l-o-n-g}. needless to say, I avoided the chocolate chip cookies on connie's counter and made it home without a feeding frenzy. I made chicken quesadilla's with low fat mozza, lots of veg and some of my favourite paul newman tequila lime salsa! I use these uber healthy-super-high-fiber tortillas, load them up and throw them in the oven. super easy and yummy. it was all good. then I did something even braver. I went and bought some groceries. the chocolate easter eggs were calling my name. and I didn't listen. yeah me!

and on a totally different note, I was going to tell you about a book I read last weekend:

it had been handed to me by a lady at school with a "you'd really like this", okay. then as I was walking down the hall with it in hand, another friend stopped me and told me how she had read it in one weekend and how much she loved it and how she just knew I'd love it too. such enthusiasm! mind you, these are people I trade books with all the time, so I do trust them. and shockingly, they were right. this book totally caught me off guard. and in the first couple of pages I had it figured out. but it had hooked me with it's narration. it's told from the perspective of a five year old boy. and it's hard for me to tell you much without giving it all away, but just the point of view that the author uses is enough to grab anyone. and partly because of the suspense. and as a reader, you fall in love with jack right away. and you never want anything to happen to him. but on the flip side, something awful happened long before he was born that shapes his entire existence. so I picked it up on saturday afternoon in the bath and didn't go to sleep until I was done. it's not by any means a difficult book to read {which makes it a quick read} but it's a difficult book to get through because of the content. all that to say this: if you can get your hands on a copy, it's totally worth reading! and when you're done reading it, LET'S TALK!

ordinary day

2011-04-12T22:07:00.001-06:00

and today was better than yesterday. less headachy. nothing until 4pm. had to skip yoga at school today because my sister picked up the boys and ty had a complete meltdown. just wouldn't stop. he wasn't being bad, just really sad. this is where the lack of communication is rough. so I had her meet me at home and I came home early. at that was it. he was sad. something is up with my kid. sheesh.

anyways, I had two small pieces of 75% cocoa chocolate after lunch today. and three chocolate covered coffee beans {and these aren't the awful, cheap, nasty ones...they're the really good dark chocolate ones}. that was my only non-fruit based sugar intake on the day. for dinner I had some non-fruit carbs. I made a lovely 6 point pita pizza - loaded with spinach, peppers, canadian bacon and some low-fat mozza. it was the best thing I've made for supper in a long time. I proceeded to make a similar {kid friendly...ham & cheese only!} for the kids. they didn't love the whole wheat pita bit, but too bad, so sad! I kinda had a revelation today though...the less sugar {of the unnatural or added version} I eat, the more clean my eating is. a lot more veg. a lot more fruit. smoothies with greek yogurt and blueberries. yum. and better yet, the less sugar I eat, the less points I'm eating. I know. this shouldn't be rocket science. and it's not. but it is tough. and two days are done. twelve more to go. for the first time, I kinda believe it. because all things considered, I feel kinda good. I wasn't as tired this morning. and if I can finish writing this and get some sleep, the same may be said about tomorrow too, I hope!!

found a quote yesterday:

{your past never defines your future}

which means that today's success or failure isn't going to define my day tomorrow. in the words of miss shirley {of anne of green gables fame}, "tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it". I'm going to embrace that.

things go round

2011-04-11T21:42:00.000-06:00

it's been a day. and I like mondays. usually! I was pretty good with the no sugar bit today. mainly because I gave it a fair go. and I planned in advance. that always helps. however, I was not counting on the MASSIVE headache I would get at around 1230. yeah. that lasted in some form until nearly 6pm. grrr. I caved at one point and ate 5 chocolate covered espresso beans. other than that, all my sugar came from fruit sources. and I didn't eat any carbs until dinner. and then it was two pieces of bread. and surprisingly, I feel okay this evening. other than all the tears and yelling that happened in this house after supper tonight. holy moly. okay, so my pre-menopausal pms is in HIGH gear. I haven't had it this bad in quite a long time. all of last week sucked. and today, I had an out of body parenting moment from hell. there was a lot of screaming. and a lot of hitting {mainly ty taking it out on me}. and he cried. and I sobbed. and now he's cuddling with me. but I just feel so helpless in parenting this kid. he truly believes that no one gets to "be the boss of him". changing his mind on this is becoming increasingly difficult. usually I can be more detached with his tantrums, but today? no such luck. and did my head ache help? nope. sigh.

I did stay after school today and participate in a torture/yoga class with some of my colleagues. headache or not, I made my body do some crazy things. and I'm doing the same thing tomorrow after school. moving this ol' body of mine is good, but I hurt! and yes, I am officially complaining.

regardless, all of that to say this: getting back on the wagon feels good. I feel like less of a quitter, because I am now more of a "trying again" kind of girl than a "quitting again" kind. plus, I feel like I can do this again tomorrow. and I have all my food packed up. and I've heard that if I can make it to the end of day three, that the headaches will go away. I'll keep drinking tons of water. and although I'm not a gum chewer {yes, I know there's fake sugar in gum...leave me alone about it!!}, gum saved me today. gum, water and a package of peanut m&m's in my gym bag. I am determined to have those m&ms still in my bag two weeks from now.

okay, the kidlet is being carried off to bed. I have some fistful of mercy playing {I heart ben harper!} and I'm going to do some blog hopping. apparently the whole day doesn't need to be awful just because a solid section in the middle was...WHO KNEW? lol.

may you be the road

2011-04-10T22:48:00.000-06:00

a few of my favourite things:

{crazy rolls from teriyaki corner - a little sushi place just down the block! crab, avocado, cucumber then tempura-ed. super yummy!}

{some lovely tulips from save-on...nothing like grocery store flowers to make a day happy!}

{same shot, different finish...}

{a picture of ty and his little friend from a couple of weeks ago. I love this one!}

{a pedicure - my sister gives the best ones and now my feet feel like they're ready for spring...happy, happy sunday!}

{three sleeping boys in bed as I get ready for church this morning}

it was a nice, refreshing weekend. john was off this weekend, so it allowed for some real downtime. I slept in on saturday {I had volunteered at a casino on friday night and didn't get home until almost 3am, so a sleep in was in order!}, my friend came over to scrapbook for a while - I made cards, she did some pages in her scrapbook. it was lovely and needed. the kids played outside. they biked and played in the puddles. and I read an entire book on saturday night {I'll review it this week!}, while having a bath and crawling into bed super early! then today was such a good sunday. I played the piano at church, so I had to be there early {not complaining though...}, after church john and I took the boys for sushi. okay, they had spring rolls, john had a noodle bowl and I had sushi. then it was home for a bit and off again to my mom's {alone!} for a pedi. my sister seriously gives the best pedicure. she is an esthetician by trade, but is upgrading at school right now, so she just sets up in my mom's basement when we're all in need. it's a good gig. while she was on lady #2 {my mom's friend - I was #1}, I went for a run-walk-interval workout on the treadmill. 25 minutes of good times. it had been WAY TOO LONG! my legs are super sore now, but it felt really good. I had supper at my mom's, did some grocery shopping and came home. john had fed the kids and had them in the bath when I walked in the house. it's this that I miss most when he's working on the weekends. this rest. this break. sigh.

so while running today, I had a bit of a talk with myself. I am going to choose NOT to give up. so I had a bad sugar week. who cares. failure is choosing not to try again. I am going to get up and try again. I have packed my lunch/snacks/day for tomorrow and I am going to give it a fair shake. because I am not a quitter. and even if I can't do every day, every day that I can do will matter. I read a bunch of motivational quotes over the weekend and I was reminded that trying and failing and then trying again {and failing a kazillion times more} does not make me a failure. it makes me human. and it's time to cut myself some slack. and just keep trying.

how was your weekend? did you find some rest?

fools tattoo

2011-04-06T22:41:00.000-06:00

sleep issues. I currently have them. could be the amount of coffee I had today. ha! moral of the story: don't have a double shot espresso con panna at 830 on a wednesday night.

in re-reading yesterday's post {and spending some time in self-analyzation}, I realized something kinda important. there is one area of my life that I have full {okay, like 85%} confidence in. and that's my professional life. at school, I am a finisher. a bit of a procrastinator, but highly efficient. I don't give up on kids, on myself, my colleagues, or general crap that flies my way. at school, I am relentless. passionate. empowered. I teach difficult kids. and I'm good at it. and I love it. so why doesn't that translate to the rest of my life? yeah, not too sure. this is the question I am left asking. am I the only one that thinks this is really strange? do all of these really great things about me go away when I walk into my house? or are there 30 some odd years of some really bad self-talk that habitually takes over when I don't need to be "on"? not too sure that I need answers right now, but it is something I need to think about.

on another note, totally addicted to a scrabble game on my phone. words with friend. the free version. I suck at scrabble, but am having fun with it. download it and challenge me to a game - my handle is cori1972 :o)

I beat one random person but am losing to my friend who apparently knows words like qi and surley. sheesh. anyways, add me. I'll play you.

papa was a rolling stone

2011-04-05T22:41:00.000-06:00

this has not been my best week.

It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart
{mumford & sons - roll away your stone}
...

these lyrics are kinda how I'm feeling. like I just muck everything up all the time. the ol' hormones have kicked in big time this week and my head is haunting me. I don't have the energy to fight and in not having the energy, my self-destructive tendencies start to kick in. self-implosion. okay, so maybe I'm being just slightly dramatic. or maybe I am just beginning to recognize this before it hits and I'm in the middle of it. bottom line, I'm my worst enemy. I don't cut myself slack, because in my head all I do is cut myself too much slack! and this whole two weeks with no sugar is proof of that. yeah. I haven't recovered from the weekend. at all. not too sure if I can. ha! but on the flip side, I've held down my lent-no-booze-committment without any problem. so it's not that I give up on everything. so I shouldn't be so hard on myself, should I? grrr. {don't worry...this isn't even really making any sense to me either. I'm a tired, rambling girl tonight!}

I think it boils down to this: I have lived my life being called a procrastinator, believing that I had no discipline, being told that I always gave up and took the easy way. and to this day, I believe them to be true. so I live up to what I believe. and I can pull proof out and show you throughout my adult life how I gave up on things, changed my mind, caved, conceeded, waited until the last minute, and avoided hard work. never do I look at these situations, this proof, and see how no one guided me or mentored me when I didn't understand the path to take or how my childhood/church/upbringing distorted my view and crippled me, forcing me to be so unsure of myself. I don't look at how I was bullied by a classmate in school. I don't look at how little I trust people. I don't look at anyone else and their adult decisions, just how once again I didn't measure up to expectations. I don't cut myself any slack. and I don't forgive myself. I don't even know how. so here I sit, giving up again. and beating myself up over it.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
{mumford & sons - awake my soul}

...

so I guess it's time to change the soundtrack of my life. the tape player in my head that consistently sends me messages that are lies. grace is for me. for my life. for my sin. for my salvation. for my relationships. the welcome I receive at the restart. sometimes I get it. this week I know it, but I feel so far away. which I am learning is when I am closer, more surrounded, more loved than I even know.

okay, I know this is pretty raw honesty here. but it's my cheap therapy. sometimes talking {writing!} it out totally helps. not too sure tonight, but it gets the conversation started. for me at least.

midnight rocker

2011-04-03T00:10:00.000-06:00

okay, so day two sucked. don't get me wrong, it was a good day, but awful in the sugar department! what can I say? 4:00 hit and it wasn't happy. the nutella called my name. the first tablespoon was lovely. the second pretty good. the third was icky sweet. it's kinda a good thing that sugar is my drug of choice because if it was anything else, it would be awful. it was awful anyways. relapses are not good for my soul. I'm not a "get back on the horse" kind of girl. I'm a "throw in the towel / failure is eminent" kind of girl. so it's a big deal that I am going to get back on the horse and start fresh again tomorrow. I am not going to let this wreck my day. or week. because I showed up at weight watchers this morning and was down 0.8...which almost is what I was up last week! man I suck at this. maybe it's that my body likes this. nope, that can't be it. sigh.

wake up

2011-04-01T10:12:00.000-06:00

I did something severe. last night. without much thought. thoughtless and severe. and good for my health.

back in november I worked hard to cut out fake sugar from my diet. I quit drinking diet soda, cut out high fructose crap stuff, and had started to walk towards the life of clean eating. then january happened. cold, dark, bad meds. that january. although I kept the diet soda out of my diet, the junk crept back in. and the five pounds that settled on my thighs is still there. that's because I can control a lot of things, but I am totally and unequivocally addicted to sugar. and although I don't have any real proof, I completely believe that my sugar issues are what is zapping my energy and making it so hard to lose any weight at all.

so, in an effort to shake it up a bit, I've done something drastic. I've committed to two weeks of sugar-free eating. a complete cleanse. I went to find a recipe on one of my favourite recipe sites last night and I saw this challenge. without giving it too much thought, I committed. and now I may be freaking out just a bit. two full weeks. maybe not thinking stuff like this through too much is a good thing. I probably would have talked myself out of it! anyways, I am suspecting that the next 72 hours are going to be rough, but if I can get to monday, it'll be do-able. I'll keep you posted!

all the pretty faces

2011-03-31T11:25:00.001-06:00

okay, so here's my pretty awful movie. no seriously, shooting with an iPhone in the middle of church on a sunday morning while you're playing the piano and watching two small children kinda sucks. ha!! there is no steady hand thing happening here. and let's be honest, it's not going to mean a bunch to most of you - just unsteady, random shots. I recorded the music at the end of the service while we were playing. the rest of the sound in the videos was just so awful and "far away" that I just did away with it. all that said, it's for brenda. brenda, you'll know the people...most of them. and you'll get the feel. I hope. so the rest of you can enjoy the music and brenda will forgive me for the quality. lol.

winter winds

2011-03-31T10:09:00.000-06:00

{totally poached this from a different site...but it kinda spoke to me this morning}

I did not go to bikram yesterday. nor will I go today. I have had a persistent headache that is rearing it's ugly head again this morning. I am going to blame my kids for this morning's fun. ha! I am planning to go on friday and saturday. because tonight I am going change the bed time routine just a bit. and take them to my school this afternoon to play floor hockey for hours. that should wear them out. I hope!

anyways, we're home this morning for some lazy, coffee-drinking {me!}, tv watching {them}, pyjama wearing {all of us} good times. ty has a blanky tied to his neck and he's metro man. the lack of sleep around here is going to quickly disintegrate into some brother fighting very soon. the signs are all there. oh it's going to be a long, long day! it's a good thing I made an entire pot of coffee...

in other news {okay, that's over stating it!}, my kids have been totally into making smoothies as of late. the blender is living on my counter. chocolate banana, super strawberry, creamcicle...lots of fruit, yogurt and milk. and they are addicted! every morning for breakfast. I like that my kids love fruits and veggies as much as they do. and last night I roasted chickpeas. those were a big hit too! healthy eating can be fun. and yummy. lets not talk about how I have a package of hotdogs defrosting on my counter for lunch today!!!

have a happy thursday.

xoxo

neon tiger

2011-03-29T22:50:00.000-06:00

and then just mere hours later, I feel better. not 100%. and to be honest, maybe the aleve has kicked in. needless to say, I think that a 90 minute hot yoga class is out of the equation for tomorrow. perhaps I need a day.

a strange thing happened during bikram this morning as I was helplessly destined to lay on my mat for 45 minutes {I started trying to write this earlier, but got a wave of exhaustion and nausea and couldn't do it!}. instead of turning my head off, I used the time to think. to focus. to re-focus. I've been in a self-imposed pause for the last six weeks or so and it's like I had a moment where I felt like it was time to stop pausing and start moving forward. I was reminded of my word for 2011 {grace} and how perhaps it's time to start extending it to myself. forgiving myself. and my scripture for this year also came to my mind:

"come to me. get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest." {matthew 11:28-30...I just took out the middle part this time}

rest. recover my life. learn the unforced rhythms of grace {it's in the same passage}. rest. recovery. grace. and in all of that, it came to me that I need to start by taking a huge step in trust. and it has to do with forgiving myself. and trusting that I am forgiven. I'm not even too sure how to form my words around this other than to say that I feel like the time has come to start moving forward again. and for me, it starts with being in relationship with people who can support me. hold me up in prayer. encourage me. and occasionally kick my butt.

rest. recover. grace.

who let you go?

2011-03-29T19:58:00.000-06:00

so bikram kicked my ass today. mid way through the class today I started to get a massive headache. occasionally I clench my teeth in my sleep and I know this because my headache lasts all day and radiates from my jaw. I don't get these often, but I have one now. and it began half way through class. my goal today had been to do every pose once {every pose is done twice in class}. yeah. I spent 45 minutes on my back with my eyes closed, rubbing my jaw, just hoping that the pain would subside. it didn't. and now I feel like crap again, just in the last hour. I just can't seem to kick this bug. grrr.

butterfly

2011-03-28T11:35:00.000-06:00

just a heads up, there is a whole lot of random this morning...and none of it is very connected. no smart segues in my writing today!

it's day one of spring break. thank god. last week was rough at best, stringing together a number of fairly intense weeks. like what the heck happened to march? no, for real. being in "pause" mode has been good considering the busy that has been march. and seriously, check out the view. it looks like november out there. grey, icky, cold. I am trying to emerge from my state of emotional hibernation, but this weather is not doing me any good. and I am trying not to complain too much. we're very fortunate here in alberta. it gets snowy and cold, but we don't get earthquakes and tsunamis. I have much to be thankful for.

so I had this big spring break plan - to do a 10 day stretch of bikram yoga - and to do it just to get myself out of this funk. like a cleanse. leave all the garbage in the studio. sweat it all out. and now I'm sick. coughing, congested and just icky. not sick enough to spend the day in bed, but too sick to do hot yoga. I am really bummed out about this. and I am really hoping that this cough thing clears so I can get a few days in before spring break is over. grrr.

and I have another spring break goal. to make some phone calls. I am a horribly wretched friend. especially to those people who I don't see on a regular basis. and don't argue with me. it's true. I know I can legitimately blame the whole thing that is my life: working full time + mom of two boys + soccer + report cards + wife + daughter + stampin' up + church = barely enough time to think. the people I'm friends with that are in my general circle of interaction are good. step out of that circle and beware. I fall off the face of the earth. and I don't know how to fix this. other than picking up the phone when I have some down time, like this week. I just feel really crappy about letting it get so far gone. and just really unsure how to change my behaviour. because I own this. it's me. see. I get tired just thinking about it.

okay, and my friend brenda {HI BRENDA!!!} is off in indonesia doing wonderful things with her life. we were trying to get her skyped into the service yesterday and it failed miserably. audio issues. she facebooked me and asked if I would video some of the service. well, that's hard when you're at the piano! I did get a bit of video taken, but it's going to need some editing. I did get this song recorded though...{let's see how long it takes to get it imbedded...!} okay, never mind. I'm going to make a video and use it as the sound track. the internet connection at this lovely starbucks is a bit too slow for uploading. I'll see what creations I can make this afternoon...!!

take a minute

2011-03-23T19:56:00.000-06:00

okay. I got inspired yesterday. first, GO HERE! but come back...

5 things that inspire me: {in a fairly random order...and I combined the kids!}

{this view: sitting at the keyboard on a sunday morning and playing with phenomenal musicians}

{school - the kids I teach - the people I teach with}

{colour: finding combinations that allow me to make beautiful cards}

{kid #1}

{kid #2}

{good music}

your turn. what inspires you?

comfortably numb

2011-03-20T14:25:00.000-06:00

{my view from behind the computer this morning...like at 9am!}

1. once a month or so I get to play the piano on a sunday morning. and then once a month or so I run all the media for the service. today was media. and this was rehearsal. it was all good.

2. we played 'comfortably numb' by pink floyd at the end of the service. I had forgotten how good that album is. and how much I like that song.

3. dean preached on money. this happens VERY rarely in our church. bottom line, I was reminded of how many trust issues I have. and how much I am working on this. in all areas of my life. {yes, the credit cards are still in lock-up...11 days and counting!}

4. I read this blog post yesterday and cried. it gave me hope. and words to describe what I'm coming to believe about myself. and the hope that I can change. since I feel like I am back at the crime scene, dealing with the pathetic bandaid. {I love that imagery}.

5. I did my workout dvd last night with the boys. my legs HURT!!!

6. I was down 2.6 yesterday at weight watchers. much better than the 1 up from last week. damn pms.

7. and now I'm watching megamind with the boys. and john is sleeping. and the house is generally clean and generally quiet. that soothes my soul on this cold, grey sunday. sigh.

8. and I'm out of stuff. so I think I'll go prep for club tomorrow...

xoxo

london girl

2011-03-18T20:38:00.000-06:00

I wish I knew of a song title that would express the crap that was my day. maybe f*** you by cee lo green would actually be the most appropriate. normally I have good rebound when crap happens. not today. it started with me dumping a third of my scalding-hot-not-even-ten-minutes-old americano down the front of myself. yeah. I cried. and was glad I was wearing a dress with jeans. the dress went into the dryer at school after I rinsed it out. and I wore my wet, cold jeans which probably saved my legs. I have one little burn mark/blistery thing on the top of my leg, but other than just some ongoing general stinging, I survived. but that was the start. and I never really recovered. I lost my mojo before I even entered the building.

by the time I got home, I was done with people. and I had a mere 45 minutes before john had to leave [he's on nights, which plays a big part in my inability to deal], so I put my pjs on and crawled into bed. alone. silence. just me. quiet. sigh. thank goodness the boys are fairly happy. I promised a camp-out tonight, so they have their blankies in hand and are watching a movie upstairs. and there are potato chips. which has bought me a bit of time to clean up the lego fest downstairs, clean my kitchen and watch some mommy tv. ace of cake re-runs.

I don't know if I've ever been THIS ready for spring break.

and in the grateful department? well I am grateful that john and I have been together for 11 years. totally crazy, eh? yeah. yesterday [also known as st patrick's day!] was the anniversary of when john and I started dating. and yes, there is a story there. and no, it's not one I have the energy to tell tonight. I am kinda sad that I didn't really get to see him yesterday, but that's okay too. when all is said and done, I am very grateful for making it 11 years. it's never easy living with me, but he's managed almost 8 years of that. the man deserves a medal!!

{although this cup of coffee messed with my day, the note on it made me happy!}

you make me feel like a natural woman

2011-03-15T20:33:00.000-06:00

I'm livin' on the edge. trying something new. out of my comfort zone. hehehe!

{a tall espresso con panna}

two shots of espresso with a dollop of whipping cream on top. kinda yummy. and not too sweet, considering I drink most of my coffee black. I would do it again. maybe not so wise having a double espresso at 8:00 at night, but hey. there's some tv I need to get caught up on!

and today's bit of gratefulness is not a quite trip to starbucks by myself {although I am enjoying the quiet!}, but my job. I know I often mention it as something I am grateful for, but it's not even about having work {although I am grateful for that too!}. it's really about getting up every morning and loving where I work and what I get to do each day. I enjoy the company of the people I work with. in fact, I love working with them. teaching is a hard job. too hard to do alone. I get to do it daily with great people {read that sentence in context people...NOT by itself!!}. I know I am fortunate. and I am grateful. in addition, I teach some pretty great kids. they are not always wonderful, but sometimes they show, in their little jr. high way, their potential to be great people. like my one girl who can totally push my buttons and generally drives me CRAZY - she showed up with coffee for me last monday morning. and another kid, totally owing his mistakes today and taking his consequences like a man. and another little elementary kid who decided not to get all defiant with me today, but gave me a moment to explain how his whole week wasn't wrecked by one bad choice {does my picture make any sense??}

{and so proud of our boys basketball team for winning bronze today in their playoff game}

{and glad that john brought the boys to come and watch}

although a lot of the reflection in lent is about dying to self, I am remembering that I am blessed. I am trying to change my focus so that it's not so "me" centred. and that's REALLY difficult to do. I am selfish. I am "all about me". trust is hard for me. yet, in these days of lent, I am feeling the pull to trust. the necessity to take my eyes off of myself. and focus on the cross. and the death-love-pain-grace that it represents. this is not easy. but I guess good things are not.

not too sure if I mentioned the other day that I'm taking dairy off the lent list. but I am. but I feel like it needs to be replaced. so I am adding candy to the list. I am having problems getting my system off sugar, and candy is not clean. or weight watchers friendly. or necessary for existence on most days. so although almost a week late and way too overdue, candy is in the "forbidden" list. as of now. {it's suppose to be a bit painful, right??}

the band played waltzing matilda

2011-03-14T20:07:00.000-06:00

happy monday! and really it was. okay, maybe not happy, but it was good. the time change this weekend has sent the kids for a loop. and last night, small boys were still awake at 11pm. yeah. getting the kids up this morning was HELL. so tired. this too will pass, right?

as tired as we all are, the thaw has arrived. it's been a long, cold winter and spring cannot come fast enough. so, with the sun shining and the snow thawing, the boys and I went out for dinner tonight. I like going out with them, especially when they want japanese food! as I eat sushi, they eat spring rolls. yummo! I wonder if I go to bed now, if I'll have the energy to get up early and make lunches tomorrow morning? I am going to hit the clean eating hard this week - I need to purge these sugar cravings out of my system. I feel groggy and icky. and I don't like it. sigh. okay. I'm getting up. for real this time.