love feels like

yes.

it's tough when you're challenged on fricken' day 4 with your new word.  it's only 4 days old.  can't I have a full week to break it in?

I was confronted today with a chance to make some changes in my lifestyle - frankly, around taking some time to exercise, and I found every reason to say no.  I have no time.  I have no money.  I have no space.  see the trend here?  it's around the word 'no'.  damn it.  then it slammed me in the face.  it's time to say yes for real.  to have an open mind and an open heart for change, even if no has been my standard answer for a long time.  really, most of this has to do with my health and taking care of myself.  the excuses need to stop and I need to start saying yes to myself.  to allow myself to change.  at 43, that's hard.  super hard.  alas, I suppose that's the point.  ha!

so this is me, saying yes.  making some goals, following my heart, embracing change.  this week, I'm going to stop making excuses, and I'm going to clean my basement, creating a space where I can move this lovely tush.  yay!

the rest is still unwritten

phew!  we made it to 2016!

went to bed early last night, got up late this morning.  made waffles.  hanging out on the couch watching the winter classic.  my house is a mess.  I don't have the energy to clean up christmas, but the things I love best are in the room.

so I picked a word for 2016.  I hate to admit it, but I may have borrowed it from shonda rhimes.  there was something that just resounded with me.  I'm not sure if I can even explain my thoughts around it. just that it was time.

yes.

that's my word.  it's small.  it packs a punch.

2016 is my year to say yes to myself.  say yes to forgiveness.  say yes to new opportunities.  say yes to my health.  it's really about giving myself permission.  to let go.

I can feel it deep down, that this year is going to bring a lot of change.  and I'm okay with that.  change isn't something to be feared, but to be embraced with arms wide open.  bring it on, 2016.  I'm ready!

fight song

hello old friend.

it's new years eve day, and I'm feeling compelled to reflect, revive and replenish my soul.  writing, blogging, has always been a reflective tool, something so good for my sanity.  I've missed it.  I've been gone intentionally.  kinda.  may and june just got busy {as it does every year!}.  july was a lot of nothingness.  and then some serious shit went down.  stuff that I still can't talk about {I'm super cryptic, I know.  I don't mean to be.}.  let's put it this way.  if our family could make it through july, august and september in one piece and we're still standing, together, on the other side of it, then we can get through anything.  it was hard not being able to write about what was hitting us hardest, so it was intentional that I stayed away.  if I can't be vulnerable here, then it's best to stay away.  in doing that, however, I have found that I've also been inadvertently distancing myself from friends as we lean in as a family.  this I don't like.  I'm weary of digging in deep.  does that make sense?  so bear with me as I stay on the surface today.

on the flip side, because I am a believer in redemption and an eternal optimist, there has been a lot of positives in my life as of late.  nate has made a fairly smooth transition into jr high.  grade fricken' seven!!  this is a huge plus.  it was a big stressor for me this fall.  not for him.  oh no.  he just breezed through his first few months of jr high with no stress at all!  and ty, my chronic non-sleeper, has been a rock star for the last few months.  better sleep, better attitude, better mental health.  a significant win.  john and I got away together in november.  much needed and much overdue.  this year is ending in a good, good place.

a lot of prelude for what I was really wanting to write about today.  ha!

new years eve.  time for some reflection on my word/s for 2015.  gratitude and generosity.  I wrote 365 days ago, that it's difficult for anxiety and gratitude to exist in the same place.  one year later, this truth is alive for me.  this word, these words, have are the reason I'm standing on the other side.  this I know.  I am grateful for family.  grateful for the life I get to live.  grateful for the person I've become over the last year, because she's not the same person.  this is good.  in everything give thanks.

so I have a word picked for 2016.  I'll share that with y'all tomorrow!

in the meantime, this has been our theme song for the last while.  we blast it, sing it and live it.

this is my fight song

take back my life song

prove I'm alright song

my power's turned on

starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

and I don't really care if nobody else believes

'cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

it will come back

first of all, I need to send out a big thank you.  I don't write for anyone specifically and for everyone in general.  mainly I write for me.  it's a part of taking care of my own mental wellness.  needless to say, I don't write for likes, shares or comments.  but it was really kind to see my blog traffic increase and the amount of support I experienced {on fb, specifically}, in regards to my last post.  I would hope that I always write from a place of vulnerability and authenticity, but I know that's not always the truth.  somedays I just write to get touches on the ball and not worry so much about kicking it through the goal net.  anyways, this is my thank you.  thank you for supporting me.  encouraging me. loving on me.  especially through a very raw post.

so it's monday.  the monday of a four-day long weekend.  and as a family, we've succeeded in doing nothing and not hating each other.  we revolve in a world of go.  soccer four nights a week.  hockey one to two nights a week.  and a husband that works five nights a week.  sometimes just pulling the plug on activities for a few days {okay, there were none scheduled!!}, makes all the difference in the world.  movies.  playing outside with friends.  swimming with cousins.  playing with other cousins.  street hockey with friends.  a lot of coffee.  and a lot of nothing.  part of me feels guilty that I accomplished nothing.  but maybe in not feeling stressed about getting anything done, I accomplished something bigger:  rest.

I suck at rest.  pressing pause.  taking a deep breath.  I really do.

and then I wonder why I'm exhausted all the time.  and always in fight mode.

well, perhaps this needs to change.  lower the expectations when I have a few moments in the margin.  be okay with that pile of papers on the counter.  not fret if the boys laundry is all where it's suppose to be.  take care of me.  and then be better at taking care of them.

it always cycles back to that principle.  taking care of me.  filling my jar.  so ultimately, I can care for others.  give to others.  be there for others.  because really, that is my joy.

did you hear the rain?

anxiety.

we try not to tiptoe around it.  we try not to cave to it.  we try not to fuel it's fire.

but I do.  I bow to its power.  I let it run free.

and then some days we talk.  we hash it out.   and love on each other.

these days.  these days I get to carry the burden.  these days he trusts me.  calls me mama.  knows that I would take this dragon that lives and breaths and fight it everyday if that would help.

alas, it's ultimately his battle.

anxiety.

the dragon.

today, I tiptoed.  I snuck up behind it.  I hugged it fiercely, when it wanted to roar.  I won.  it slowly quieted.  tonight it's letting my sweet son sleep.  tonight I loved the heck out of it.  and tonight I won.

it's ultimately his battle.

for now, I fight beside him.  it's part of him.  the son I love.

blame it on me

I always feel like I need to start with an apology.  a reason for ditching.  for ignoring my faithful reader {okay, so maybe there are more than one of you!!!}.  honestly, I think part of me has been avoiding writing.  avoiding dealing with my shit.  avoiding the honesty chat that I should probably be having with myself.  alas.  I'm here now.  ready to chat.

only tonight, I think I have a purpose.  and it has very little to do with me, I think.  or maybe that's the complete opposite of the truth.

so tomorrow marks that beginning of mental health week, here in the great white north.  the canadian mental health association has done this week for the last 60 some years.  this year, the focus is on boys and men.  their slogan?  let's get loud about mental health.  #getloud

so just over two weeks ago, a colleague of mine lost his son to suicide.  this shit breaks people.  and it hit me hard.  I too, am a parent of two boys.  I too, know my youngest does not have an easy path when it comes to his mental wellness.  I too.  I too.  this grief runs deep.  am I doing enough, is the refrain that plays in my head.   so, in part to live my talk and in part to honour my friends, my colleagues, the students who step foot in my office, my family and my own two kids, this week I'll be modelling mental wellness and I'll be getting loud about it.

self care.  I'm good at this in a lot of ways, but really on the surface.  I need to care for my soul.  the well that flows so I can give.  so yes, I take time for myself.  I refresh in the rare solitude of my weekend.  but I avoid those things that really care for my soul.  writing.  walking.  playing music.  these things.  these are the things that really are my self care.

this week, this week is about these things.  getting loud for d.  getting loud for my sweet t.  getting loud for all the boys and men {plus all the girls!} I know who suffer with mental illness.  and in the same breath, it's about practicing mental wellness.  and about putting my actions where my words are.

it's going to be a full week of blogging, kids.

to be alone

a lazy weekend.  kids in motion with friends and sleep overs.  big dumps of snow.  no sports.   cleaning off the pvr.  a bit of rest in the middle of the crazy.

two more weeks at this intensity.  in two weeks, hockey is in play-off mode, soccer slows down just a tad and school.  well school starts to ramp up.  I guess I can't really win!

so, in honour of the long weekend, a few of my {current} favourite things!

1.  so I was at the eye doctor's this weekend.  looks like I need reading glasses.  or bifocals.  or something else that makes me feel old.  grrrr.  so I'm looking for reading glasses that don't look like old lady librarian glasses.  I like these.

2.  hozier.  he's running things on my playlist lately.  take me to church is good.  the rest is even better.  TRUST. ME.  

3.  gotham.  for freakin' real.  I'm not even the biggest batman fan, but this.  this I like.  it's dark, slightly creepy and all sorts of fun.  and common.  it's ryan and marissa all over again.  okay, well without the warm OC sun and without marissa.  HA!  I really like ben mckenzie as james gordon.  and the frickin' penguin is all sorts of icky and lovely.  okay.  enough gushing.

4.  speaking of tv, how to get away with murder.  I am a complete sucker for crime shows.  mysteries make me happy - in book and in television form.  this show is smart.  slow moving.  back and forth.  it's a long running story arch, if you like that kind of thing.  I do.  

5.  I bet my life by imagine dragons.  I'm really loving this song.  ty and I have been plunking it out on the piano lately.  I'm a fan of a three chord song!!  good times!

6.  avocados.  no, guacamole.  I'm obsessed.  I eat guac with EVERYTHING.  and this is my new favourite, mainly because I don't have time to make it every second day.  and winter in canada?  well lets just say that the avocados aren't very great after they make the big trek north.  this does the trick every time!!

7.  I thought I could make it to 10 favourite things, but I think I'm stopping here.  but, I want to give a big shout-out to all my friends who've taken my kids in the last while.  I've been tired and sick for the last while and you've really kicked it up a notch.  you're my favourite favourite!!