neon tiger

it's tough getting to the psychosis that is my brain.  I've been avoiding writing this for awhile.  in fact, I've been avoiding even thinking about the reasons I'm so screwed up.  auto pilot.  I rock the auto pilot. so you know the drill, more random that leads {hopefully} somewhere.

1.  I crave approval from the people around me.  this is really hard for me to write.  I'd like to think that I'm better than that.  that I live my life with an eff you attitude.  truth is that approval means everything to me.  this is a huge issue.  it's easy for me to act differently.  to play it cool.  I'm good at that.  but what I've realized is that this has impacted me far deeper than I ever realized.  I don't actually think that needing approval is a bad thing, but when it runs your life, it's officially a bad thing.  this has been running my life.  for a long, long time.  I have no plan.  I don't know what to do with this.  maybe I just need to process this for a bit.

2.  I'm a bit of an all or nothing person.  no surprises there.  ha!

3.  I self-sabotage most good things in my world.  okay, so usually the things that are fiercely personal are the things I sabotage.  the things that require some self care.  my diet {says the girl who thought a second piece of nate's birthday cake would be a good idea.  oh, that's right, I'm dealing with my emotional baggage, of course I'd eat more cake.}.  my finances.  I could keep going.

4.  there are three or four people in this world whose opinion of me matters more than it should.  when I don't get approval from them, it matters to me.  and because I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, these things matter.  and then I sabotage myself.  see.  I told you something would come of this.  I just don't like the outcome.  at all.

5.  I suck.  but there's hope.  I'm surrounded by people who love me.  I know I'm not perfect.  I have a good life.  but this shit needs to be dealt with.  I need to figure all this out.  and I have no idea what that needs to look like.  knowing there's a problem is a big part of dealing with the problem, right?

I'll revisit this.  soon.

from this moment

if you know the song reference, you get some ol' school brownie points!  it's stuck in my head, what can I say?

so I've had a lot of random rattling around in my head as of late.  it's really the same old shit, different day, but apparently this demon hasn't been laid to rest.  yet.  so, let me ramble my way through the unconnected and see if you can follow my thread.  I know, I ask a lot of you.  that's why I love you best.

I have been feeling really blah since we got back from vacation.  kinda normal, right?  well, it's gotten old.  really fast.  there is stuff that needs to get done around this house.

I really worked my ass off this spring, and at the end of june I was down a total of 20lbs and feeling really good.  I came back from vacation and was up 8.  not a huge deal, but a bit of a biggish deal.

this past week I tried a kazillon times to get my eating back on track.  my days were solid {for the most part} but then when john was at work at nights, I fell apart.  and there may have been an incident with the bottom of a jar of nutella last night.

blah + tight clothes + no motivation = more blah.  makes sense, right?  plus, I've been really bitchy with the kids.  I am flying off the handle just a bit too much.  it's kinda reminiscent of the summer of 2010.  the summer of CRAZYTOWN coming to live in my head.  THAT summer.

sugar is my nemesis.  the sugar dragon has it's claws in my head.  motivation is not my problem, but eating sugar in every form possible is totally my problem.  something I'm eating {that I think is healthy} has sugar in it.  it's making me crave more.  okay, so maybe I'm being over dramatic; what I know to be true is that all the will power in the world can't beat the chemicals and sugar in processed foods.  it sucks, but I need to cut that crap out.  all of it...{good bye yummy organic maple almond butter}.

then this morning, I had a bit of a revelation.  part of my revelation was this:  last night, my nephew slept over.  the kids were up too late and by the the time we got home from our movie, they were hyper and done all at the same time.  ty had sugar flowing through his veins and nate was whiney beyond control.  first he was hungry.  then he wasn't.  then he wanted toast.  then he wanted grapes.  then he expected that I'd just hop to it.  then he got mad.  he was having an-almost-ten-year-old-style temper tantrum.  and I was frustrated.  why can't the kid just pull it together for crying out loud?  you see where I'm going with this?  I've been having a tantrum.  a big one.  I'm tired.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  {insert whining and stomping noises here} I'm bored.  you get the idea.  so lets try the math on this one:  tantrum + tight clothes + the sugar dragon = an absolute bitch.  that's the reality.  and I'm trying to sell it in a nice pretty package of "post-vacation-blues".  eff that.

so, it's time to put on the big girl panties and start acting like a friggin' adult already.  kids can't say no to sweets.  I can.  kids have tantrums.  I don't need to.  kids push the boundaries with the rules.  been there, done that, have the t-shirt.  you get my point, right?  I am not a child.  it's time for me to start acting my age.  I can say no to the third glass of wine, knowing then I'll want to eat crap.  I can say no to ice cream, because I know it gets that sugar dragon roaring in my head.  I can say no to all of it.  I have that power.

so there are lots of reasons why I fall back into the same old habits.  and I'm not sure I want to get into them all tonight.  I'll do that later this week, I promise.  let's just say that seeing this quote today really hit close to home.

and just for the record, I was a big girl today.  there was no sugar binge.  there were some really healthy meals and some really great conversations with my "I knew her in kindergarten" lunch/shopping date today.  and perhaps a wee tweet that said this:  it's time to call bullshit on myself.  I'm done with the 10 year old pity party.  and I'll need this reminder tomorrow.  I'm old people, what can I say...

crazy in love

10 years ago.
10 years ago, I had no idea how my life was about to change.
10 years ago, I couldn't predict how one person would change my life.
10 years ago, I didn't get it.
10 years ago, I wouldn't realize how difficult and wonderful and amazing it would be.
10 years ago, I had no clue.

it seems like a lifetime ago that I drove myself to the hospital, hoping John got the message that I was heading to the hospital.  and it seems like yesterday, that I was standing in my friend's kitchen wondering if I had peed my pants, when really my water had just broken.  Nate's birth story isn't super exciting, but it had its drama.  induction.  epidural.  baby in trouble.  c-section.  baby out.  done.  and then the blur.  learning how to breast feed {THAT was fun}.  navigating the pain of a c-section with the need to take care of a new born.  being afraid to use the washroom, even in the hospital, because he was unattended.  wondering where the "I'm in LOVE with my baby" feelings were.  not knowing I was suppose to keep track of my pain meds {sheesh!}.  but also knowing that we were now responsible for this little boy, this sweet, wonderful, perfect little boy.  totally overwhelmed and totally under prepared.

and on the eve of his 10th birthday, I'm still clueless.  I still don't get it.  and I am still amazed by this young man that lives in our house and that we are blessed to call our son.  he drives me crazy, yet every night I get to pray with him, kiss his head and hold his hand.  he knows how to push my buttons, but he's totally okay with cuddling with me on the couch.  he isn't the most outgoing kid, but he's coming out of his shell and I can't bear to think that in the next 10 years, my influence will decrease.  my sweet boy, my sensitive, kind boy.  may your heart always be soft and your mind keen.  I don't think I've treasured the last 10 years the way I should have, but I know that you are a part of me.  you were the one to first call me mom.  you are my firstborn.  you are my son.  I love you, Nate and I'm so proud of the boy you are growing up to be.

keep holding on

usually the summer is my prime blogging time.  I've been known to push out a post a day in past summers.  apparently I'm in "fall apart mode" this summer.  I think I have the post-vacation blues.

the boys have had swimming lessons this week {and next week as well!}, so I've had to be out of the house everyday.  that said, lessons aren't until 1145, so I've been able to sleep in until 10 every morning.  totally lazy.  my house is a mess.  ty's hair is a DISASTER area.  I've literally sat on my butt, drank a lot of coffee, watched a ton of tv and I've read 3 books already this summer.  either I'm the laziest person around or I rock.  okay, I've thought it over.  I'm going with the "I rock" category.

so, let me give you some book reviews.  THAT I can do!!

#1:  casino by nicholas pileggi

I bought this book for John after going to the mob museum for the first time last summer.  then I thought I should read it before going back to the museum.  well, I read 80% of it before going back and wow, did a lot of things make sense.  I need to watch the movie now, just because I'm curious how much they changed events for the movie.  however, the book in it's own right, was really well written.  and seriously FULL of interesting information.  I'm not usually a true crime kind of girl, but pileggi is a really good story teller.  which leads to book #2...

#2: wise guy by nicholas pileggi

I bought this at the end of my second trip to the mob museum.  and good thing, since we were stuck in the las vegas airport for a kazillion hours.  if you at all like mob history, this book is worth your time.  it's darn good!  and no, I haven't seen goodfellas...yet.  if you have, then you know the story of henry hill.  I was clueless.  sigh.  now another movie to watch.  ha!

#3: the eyre affair by jasper fforde

okay, so it took me awhile to get into this book.  it's a bit of a sci-fi book, with a literary/geek twist.  the really great thing about this book {and hopefully the follow up books}, is the heroine, thursday next.  she makes this book.  I have the next two or three books in the series, but I have a couple of other books I need to read before I get to them.  now that I get that the whole thing takes place in an alternative reality, I'm thinking they'll be an easier read!

#4: jack of diamonds by bryce courtenay

this is my next book...I'll let you know how it goes.  I'm super excited about this book for a couple of reasons.  bryce courtenay has always been my favourite author, and this is his last book.  he passed away last fall and so I've been saving this one so I can really take some time with it.  does that make sense?

okay, so I need more coffee.  I think it's a perfect time to start a new book...

viva las vegas

phase two of our trip was vegas.  john and I drove the four hours through the desert heat to the fabulous las vegas.  we took a wee stop to visit my friend tim along the way.  by saturday afternoon, and a near disaster on the freeway, we had parked the car and had a drink in hand.  and then I took a nap.  holy exhaustion!!  I'm not giving you the play-by-play, but we did some cool stuff on this trip, so I'll give you the low-down on the coolness!

{no idea where this picture was taken.  that said, I wore this hat on our museum day, and it's proof that john was with me!  we met up with some friends in vegas and on our first day together we went outlet shopping.  some SERIOUS deals, as in I got a $150 dress for $20.  yep.  that good.  then the next day we hit up some museums.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again, the mob museum is worth your time. plus, I did some research prior to going and read the book casino.  LOVE.  I'm a bit obsessed, I know.}

{after the mob museum, we went to fremont street and got our two for one steak meals.  yep.  gotta love downtown vegas.}

{then we went to the neon museum.  at dusk.  the smoke from the fire outside the city created an interesting haze in the sky.  our tour guide was amazing and we learned so much about the history of vegas from her.  and it was HOT.  I took a ton of pictures.  I LOVE urban history.  it was amazing!}

{so the lido sign is from the stardust, where the show ran for 32 years.  started in 1958 and it had some juicy mob connections.  love this stuff!}

{lots of great, old signs.}

{then we went to new york new york to have some drinks at my all time fave vegas bar - nine fine irishmen and ride the roller coaster, 'cause why not?}

{I love staying at the flamingo.}

{wow.  I look tired.  ha!  john took me to mesa grill for my birthday.  I think I love bobby flay.  best meal ever.  seriously.  caramel chocolate pudding for desert.  yummmmm.}

{this sums up our stay in vegas - reading books like casino and wise guy and drinking coffee!  okay, well that sums up the flight delay out of mccarran. grrr.  they gave us food vouchers, but six hours in the airport was a bit icky.}

{leaving.  I love her, but we need to break up for a while.  gonna watch a bunch of gangster movies.  that'll make me feel better, right?}

california dreamin'

so...california.  hot, lovely, fun.  everything I know it to be!  I'll give you the run down in pictures, since that's more fun anyways!  I'm trying not to post instagram pics, but I know some made it in the mix...forgive me for the doubles?  

woohoo!  we have a map.  where do we begin?  tomorrowland, of course.  space mountain, star tours, buzz lightyear.  I think that our 30ish minute wait at space mountain was the longest wait we had all day.  and it was totally everything I remembered it to be!

and we conned the boys into going on it's a small world.  ty was smiling at the beginning and right pissed with my by the end.  but my parents forced us to go on it 24 years ago, so I felt the need to share the love.  only fair, right?

day one at disneyland was super fun.  splash mountain, pirates of the caribbean, indiana jones.  it was all good.  my dad figured out the shuttle busses and that made it easier to come and go, as in we went back to the hotel everyday for a break and a swim in the pool.  then we'd go for dinner and head back to the park.  it was a great way to break up the day.  harbor road has these manhole covers with maps on them...pretty cool, eh?

day two was our day one at california adventures.  california screamin' {the roller coaster in this picture} was the highlight of the trip...for all of us!  we went on it twice each day we were in the park, and we would have gone on it even more, if they didn't shut down the pier rides for the world of color show.  best roller coaster evah!

pretty, right?

and then there was the daily dud ride - the ferris wheel.  okay, so I enjoyed it, but no one else did.  sigh.

but we loved the tower of terror!

and we went to the world of color show.  I was kinda meh on it.  the ferris wheel lights were super pretty though...

the next day we went to lego land.  it was over an hour away...I think my tired kids needed the break!  lego land was pretty cool, but it's really geared towards smaller kids.  nate liked it, but the rides were a bit babyish for him.  the coolest thing was the minilego.  and hey, I like lego.  I like star wars.  this was a match made in heaven!

it's like foreshadowing!!

we spend july 4th in disneyland.  not too sure if that was stupid or smart, but holy crazy busy, batman!  we hadn't really dealt with a ton of line ups or crowds until that day.  and ty was DONE.  he had no desire to see fireworks or to even be close to disneyland.  yeah.  learned my lesson.

then on the last full day in CA, we did some sightseeing.  we drove up into the hollywood hills to find the best view of the hollywood sign.  and we did it!  okay, so the road up there is the smallest road ever.  doing it in a mini van was FUN.  ha!

then we went to hollywood blvd.  we walked around for a bit {after the express warning to my kids to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING!}, went for lunch at hard rock and took some pictures of the stars.

then the boys {nate, ty, john & my dad} went to see the anaheim angels take on the boston red sox.  my mom and I went for dinner, shopping and we packed!  this little one may have had a solid 24 hours of bad attitude, but he pulled it together at the end!

and that was phase one of the trip.  on saturday morning john and I dropped my parents and the boys off at the airport and began phase two...vegas!  I'll leave that for tomorrow!

it's a small world

holy vacation, batman!  in the last two weeks we've flown to california, driven to vegas and flown back to edmonton.  and we've had a lot of adventures in the process!  those of you that follow me on instagram got all the goods, but for those of you that don't, I'll post some pictures and a play by play on monday.

the thing about leaving town the day after school is over is that you don't really clean up the post-school mess.  ha!  I came home to a HUGE disaster!  two days later, the laundry is mainly washed, but still sitting in piles.  and then there are still bags of STUFF that were the boys' desks.  fun.  organization is going to be the name of my game this summer.  and swimming lessons.  and getting my eating back on track.  sigh.  when we left, I was officially down 20lbs.  coming home, I'm up 8.  so I'm going to do a whole14 starting monday just to get my shit under control.  the sugar hangover is going to be a bitch, but I'm going to say that it was worth it.

margaritas in every restaurant possible.  dinner and the BEST dessert ever at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill on my birthday.  being stuck in an airport for 5 extra hours.  yeah, you could say that being up 8lbs is not the end of the world, all things considered.  maybe the change for me is that it doesn't need to wreck me.  in the past, it would have been the end of the world.  today, I'm getting my body prepped by staying away from grains and dairy.  tomorrow, I'll increase my water.  and on monday, the sugar and booze is getting kicked to the curb.  yippie!

I was going to post my favourite pic to end off this post, but I can't seem to find just one.  so here are a couple: