oh, I meant to post a picture...

this picture is of sam, seth & ty...taken on whyte ave last week. SO CUTE!

and I like this one of nate peering in the window! so typical of his curiosity!

2 more sleeps!

okay, so the last few days have been busy. pedi, hair, eye appointment [which ended up coming with new glasses when all was said and done], breakfast with cor, coffee with suz...just busy! and I have to say, my kids are driving me a bit crazy. ty is teething and nate is just being 3 [so within 2 weeks, totally acting his age!!!]. although I have packed, I am having shoe issues. I have not walked since tuesday. grrr. and today, I ate like crap. and this is all disjointed because I am tired.

so, tomorrow - back on track with the eating. follow the schedule/to-do list. have lunch with andrea. spend time with the boys. drink lots of water. go for a walk. I just need to slow down a bit & enjoy the journey...although the destination is going to be SO FRIGGIN' COOL!!! [k, so I am just a BIT excited about SLC!]

about being 34...

I meant to spend some time doing my birthday reflections & goal setting...yeah, like that happened yesterday! LOL it was a good birthday - not a lot of fanfare, but some time with family & lots of well wishes from friends. I think I always send my family [mom, aunt, oma??] into a bit of a tizzy when I have a birthday, since I was the FIRST in the family & therefore a reminder of how old everyone is getting! I now get it. as I see nate get older [his birthday being in less than 2 weeks], I am reminded of how fast time flies. days can be long, weeks and years even longer. but looking back, how time just flies. maybe my goal for this year is one I have tried to achieve for many years. slow down. take time to enjoy every moment. life can get so extremely busy that it is easy to forget to live la dolce vita - the sweet life. maybe this is why I loved italy so much...taking time to have a coffee with friends, living life passionately, loving fully. we'll make that the mantra of my 34th year.

and goal no. 2...I have no plans of being unfit & unhealthy by my 35th birthday. that's a whole year to lose 40 or so pounds. yes, I have started on this path already & 25 is nothing to scoff at, but I need to remember that there is a goal in sight & not to lose heart even if I am having some clothing issues.

well, all that & it's monday now. how many more days until I leave??? not that many. I'll "blog" about that a bit later!!

I am...

officially 34 years old. how is it that I have NO feelings about this at all? I will continue this post later...john's mom just pulled up!

oh, and another thing...

6 more sleeps until SLC
13k walked this morning with rae
more than 3L of water consumed
be turning 34 tomorrow
ty is running
and new fave picture of my nate...

I stole this...and I might just love it!

I am: proud of me
I want: to not have food control every thing in my life
I have: an amazing husband & amazing kids
I wish: I didn't have to work
I hate: hot weather & cold weather
I miss: my friend coralee
I hear: the traffic outside & john watching tv
I wonder: if I am going to be able to do the 21k that I signed up for
I regret: not taking care of me earlier on in my life
I am not: going to EVER give up
I dance: with john when he is in a quirky mood
I sing: when I'm happy or when the boys need some entertainment
I cry: when I'm so insainly pissed off or completely overwhelmed
I am not always: patient with my kids
I make with my hands: all sorts of interesting creations, music, cyber places
I write: my thoughts, wishes, hopes
I confuse: needs & wants
I need: to praise more often
I should: go read a book
I start: the coffee pot with the help of little fingers, creating with no goal, teaching with no real plan
I finish: some of the things I start

I "stole" this from Lisa Johnson

phew!

k, I am wiped. part 2 of my open house is over...a good turn out again. I cannot complain. some exceptional eating days the last 3 days. good water, good food, good calories. little to no sugar [some birthday cake tonight, but I had saved up calories for that...ton'o'sugar, but not overboard]. 8 days until I leave for SLC...I AM SO EXCITED!!! gotta get a ton of stamping done tomorrow. it's ALL good.

I think I might just sweat to death...

it is FRIGGIN' hot. okay, so I can do 1 day of hot, maybe 2, but this is going on over a week - maybe 2. maybe the heat is making delusional! it got up to 33 degrees [okay, 90 something for all my american friends!!] and at 9:20 this evening, it has gone down a WHOLE 3 degrees!

alas, if the heat is all I have to complain about, I have it good. today has been a good day, other than not strapping on the sneakers to hit the pavement. john's hours at work have changed, so he was home at 3:30 today - tomorrow I am going to take advantage of that and head to the air conditioned gym to have a work out. do some serious cardio. and some hills. I have a bunch of stampin' to do this week too - nate's birthday invites, RAKs, birthday cards, other stuffs! I have been LAZY with a capital L [okay, so other capitals as well!]. the lazy stops now! I think I will get up before the boys tomorrow morning while the air is still cool, and try to get some stuff done! thursday night is part 2 of my new catty get together - I hope it's as successful [and by successful I mean A WHOLE LOT OF GOOD TIMES!!] as monday afternoon was!

oh, and 3L of water in my body! WOOHOO!

I've been waylaid...

by my crazy life! school is officially over...and now my body & my brain are playing catch-up. I had an awful walk on saturday morning with mom & rae. I did 2k this morning with nate...it was SLOW...! this heat is zapping my energy all together.

on a more positive note, part 1 of my new catty deally went really well [other than the crazy heat]. I think everyone had a fun time & in my books, that is the number 1 goal!

tomorrow begins my no sugar week...or 2! I CAN DO IT!!! I CAN DO IT! not just that, but I need to clear my head, my body and my blood of the craziness that keeps me afloat on many days!

no sugar, lotsa water, and some coffee...sounds the making of a HUGE headache; I just need to get through the first 2 days, then 1 more and 1 more...you get the idea! keep me accountable, eh?

YIPPIE!!

k, so not a lot gets me really excited. everyone who knows me, knows this to be true. a good cup of coffee in a big mug. a good idea that just might come to fruition. the smell of an old book. hugs from little boys. a homemade pizza. THE NEW SU! CATTY!!!!! it is so friggin' cool! there are not enough words to describe how much trouble I am in with this one...my creative juices are already starting to flow and I have NOTHING in hand, but a lone catty :o)

just y'all wait...and hopefully you can be excited with me!

nate's first football game

nate with his football shirt & football socks & "pack-pack" that HE had to carry! off to the eskimo game with daddy! I should have taken a picture of when the got home & he fell asleep while I was putting his pj's on! he had so much fun, watching "like on tv"!

to the market we go!

well, it is summer today! rae & I walked 10.5k this morning - we doubled a steep hill out of the river valley - and it felt a LOT better than the last time we went! yeah us!

then nate & I went to the downtown market to find some onions...turns out, no onions. that's okay. we got peppers [red, green, yellow], tomatoes, cupcakes & low-fat cookies from the cookie lady! what a fun time. we ran into katherine, as well as my aunt & uncle. maybe nate and I will make this part of our saturday morning routine! I am planning to make some burgers for supper tonight, so the tomatoes will do well! but alas, no onion.

john & nate are going to the eskimo game tonight. it's a late start, but hopefully nate will nap a bit. I, on the other hand, am going to VSN as much as I can tonight! ['cause tomorrow is ALL about finishing my school work!]

a bit of an icky day

stress. I really dislike it and haven't had a lot of it in my life over the last while, but today I was feeling it. my reaction? clench my teeth [which led to a HUGE headache] and eat. I really need to get back on track with my goals. they have really gone by the wayside with report cards, IPP's, fighting 9 & 10 year old girls, aggressive boys, birthday parties, mmmm. I need to get some perspective this weekend. I need to get my IPP's done before friday so that I can spend the weekend getting my brain back. there are 6 more teaching days of school, 3 of which are fieldtrips and the like. I can do this. I can do this without gaining ANY weight. I can drink all my water. and I can walk, walk, walk.

and now, exhaustion has hit and I need to go to bed [even if it's the first show of big brother tonight!].

start of the second period...

and we are down by a goal.

but alas, I am doing everything BUT what I should be doing - my IPP's! grrr. and I have an icky dentist appointment tomorrow morning. double grrr. and I just ate a piece of cake. is there a triple grrr?? oh well...more pics from ty's birthday.

above: new hat from aunty [it came with a matching sweater!]
below: eating blue cupcakes!!

my baby is one!

I can't believe how time flies. I remember birthing this one like it was yesterday - okay, so maybe the pain is not as excruciating as it was a year ago...but you know what I mean! my sweet, sweet boy. he's had a personality of his own since he was born. cuddly, mischievous, sweet, beautiful. what can I say - I love him to death & am constantly amused by his ability to tolerate everything his brother lays in his path. I cannot wait to see what kind of kid he'll be and in turn what kind of man he will grow up into. regardless, I know it will be a fun, trying, amazing journey along the way.

3k

instead of going back to bed when rae called me to cancel our walk, I hit the pavement and did 3k! crapola though, 'cause my knee is giving me a rough time. tonight is ty's little birthday party...that should be fun.

so, I went and bought the cd! and this is the part of the song I really like:

"staring at the blank page before you / open up the dirty window / let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find / reaching for something in the distance / so close you can almost taste it / release your inhibitions

feel the rain on your skin / no one else can feel it for you / only you can let it in / no one else, no one else can / speak the words on your lips / drench yourself in words unspoken / live your life with arms wide open / today is where your book begins / the rest is still unwritten"

today

I'm sure I did something exceptional, but I'm not too sure what. I dealt with students fairly. talked with parents honestly. stayed after school just to hang out with the people I work with and really like and am going to REALLY miss next year when they go off to other schools. so, maybe not exceptional in my eyes, but hopefully exceptional in the eyes of someone else.

I have been feeling a rush of creativity lately. lots of things streaming all up in my head...almost overwhelming.

tomorrow is tres busy. shopping for ty's birthday, dan's birthday, father's day...lotsa stuffs! oh, and the dentist. grrr. feeling the itch. and a bit of a strange inspiration.

I was watching "so you think you can dance" last night and when I turned it on, there was a couple just starting their dance and I was SO blown away. they danced to a natasha bedingfield song that really got me thinking. and now I *need* the cd! I'll find the lyrics and post them!

be exceptional.

this is my new goal. I feel like I am really suffering from a lot of negativity right now - part of that is stress, part is just time of year, part is just me being selfish and not wanting to actually do the work I need to do.

so I have done close to 2 sugar-free days. then tonight I went to starbucks to get john a piece of carrot cake. so I was talking to the girl about sugar-free caramel machiatto's and she was telling me how they can make it with sugar-free vanilla syrup, but how the caramel on top had sugar, yada, yada, yada. needless to say, I let myself be talked into a sugar-free soy caramel machiatto with the caramel on top - WHAT'S THE POINT??? exactly. so to make up for it, I also ate a low fat brownie. yeah, that makes sense! funny thing is, when I plugged it all into my food tracker, I came out okay for calories - who knew. so as of this moment, I am right back on track...even though I will have the withdrawal headache again tomorrow. my kids at school must just LOVE me when I have that withdrawal headache!

ironically though, I got the "The Way I See It #53" cup that I always get. it starts with: "be exceptional. make tremendous efforts to be extraordinary. what a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. just make sure you do so..." [shelby lynn]

this got me thinking. I need to change my outlook and maybe the best way to do that is to be exceptional in my words, thoughts and actions. do something exceptional for someone. and herein lies the challenge: what can you do that is exceptional? I'd be interested in knowing. so, if you are a regular reader of my deepest, darkest musings, post a comment and let me know what you have done today.

everything but what I should be doing...

which is finishing my report cards. I have one lone subject left to do and the one piece of paper I need to do them is sitting on my desk at school. okay, so I don't really NEED the paper, it's just an excuse, but having my paper would make it easier...since the comments are on there, written out, just waiting for me to assign grades to. I could, potentially have them all done by class time tomorrow morning...well, other than my GLA for social & science. I forget how much work it all is, especially when I have other priorities. like planning ty's birthday! fun stuff!

not to mention, erika pointed out to me that hell's kitchen is on tonight... http://www.fox.com/hellskitchen/

I'm heading to bed!

but I just wanted to say a few words about my day.

I was really honoured to be invited to susan's church this morning for her baptism. I was really blown away by the whole thing. susan, you did an incredible job sharing your testimony and I am glad that I know you and that we are friends.

we had madi's dance recital this afternoon...and looks like nate is going to take dance lessons this fall with grandma! all in all, a wonderful sunday - I didn't touch any school work all weekend, but that's okay...it's 9pm, I am heading to bed and I will get a fresh start tomorrow morning.

9K today!

rae & I walked a great 9k loop today - from my house, down groat road, through government house park, over the river on the "under the LRT" bridge, up an AWFUL hill [which we will double next week], down emily murphy park road, over groat bridge, under groat bridge [lol] back through government house park, up groat road and home! PHEW! that and 1.5L of water so far...a good start to the weekend!

nate & ty are both sleeping...ty's been asleep since 11am...maybe I need to wake him up! nate & I went to lisa's discovery toys party this morning; nate really enjoyed playing in the backyard with all the toys!

and I stamped last night. I'll post some cards here. I am still feeling like I am in a big stamping slump, but hey, playing with my new dazzling diamonds was fun, fun, fun!!

grrr

I have an official funk going on. grrr. I hate the week of my period. I feel stressed, wonky, grumpy, uncreative. all funked up.

so, back to the 3 basics: eat less. move more. hydrate. I should make that 4 basics & add blogging. journaling my journey really makes me more retrospective and therefore keeps me on track.

so, here's me letting my stress go...

• as of today, my job at MGG is safe
• about 3/4 of my report cards are done - after this weekend they should all be done
• although $ is always a stress, if we stick to the plan, we'll be okay
• the dentist...okay, so it's not great, but I will go to the ortho, get all the gunk taken care of, pay the cash needed for that, live with the discomfort...
• I will get through the next 3 weeks and enjoy the WHOLE summer with the boys

okay, so I'll stop now. the boys are sleeping, john is watching something on tv...and ty is so very close to walking more than 2 steps! maybe this weekend 'cause at this time next week I am going to be all weird and emotional about my baby's first birthday!

coffee & water

as I sit here early on a sunday morning, listening to nate try to talk his way out of his room, I am enjoying a completely amazing cup of coffee! I need to enjoy more of the small things...like the 10 minutes in the morning where it is quiet, sunny and I am alone with my big mug. my legs and butt are SO sore from yesterday's walk...a good sore, but SORE!

I drank all my water yesterday - all 3L. I need to do that EVERY day! oh, and I stamped yesterday [finally got my new summer mini stamps mounted!]...even if I shamelessly CASE'ed a card in the mini!



yesterday was a very productive day [maybe that's why I am feeling good this morning]: I walked, shopped [groceries!], cleaned, susan came by [insert smile!], I went by evie's to drop stuff off for angela & to visit with her mom & dad AND got 2 cards done! this means today, I have no excuses. report cards need to be half done by the time I go to school tomorrow!

and it's Saturday again!

and only 3 more and school will be almost finished! I am so overwhelmed by the amount of work that I need to do between now and the end of this month that I am doing nothing. tonight I need to get a ton done on my report cards.

I walked close to 10k with rae this morning...we went slower than normal, but it was good to log in the time on the soles of my feet. I have had a really awful eating week this week too, so I am trying really hard to log all my food and get in all my water. constant goals, I know, but I just seem to be in a funk about the whole thing [as I sit here in my size 14 jeans...jeans I couldn't wear well 6 weeks ago]. I think that I just hate the hard work that comes with losing weight. and it is just that - hard work. well, I guess I will just have to suck it up and be sure that I am not eating to relieve my stress. water, water, water!!

tired

I haven't blogged in a couple of days - I am still feeling totally exhausted from the weekend & I am pms'ing which SUCKS big time. I have such an incredible amount of work to do over the next 2 weeks and I am letting it suck out my energy [just thinking about it, not even doing it!!]. regardless, I shouldn't complain. everyone is healthy again, ty is feeling A LOT better & the weather has been great! yet, I just feel icky & tired & bitchy. so tonight, I ate a mcflurry, which just made my belly feel icky. LOL maybe I should just head to bed!

and now...

everything is okay. ty just has an infection, no abscess, no more fever, no more IV. just tears because he is TOTALLY off schedule and he doesn't want to go to sleep.

the bump on his neck will be there for another couple of weeks, and he has to do the whole oral antibiotics for the next week, but other than that...all is well. Thank you, God.

and on another note...
WE'RE HEADING TO THE STANLEY CUP!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOO!!!

and, all things considered, I haven't hardly walked at all this week [grrrr], but the eating hasn't been too awful, even with all the stress & lack of sleep. I'm proud of me :o)

the last 24 hours

well, the last 24 hours have been interesting, to say the least...stressful would be the better term. both john and I have strep throat. at about 130am on friday morning, ty woke up with a fever [something he was already enjoying for 12 hrs or so] and I noticed a lump on the side of his neck. john & I called health link and talked to a nurse there...she told us of some things to look for, and that we needed to take ty to the drs in the next 24 hrs. first thing friday morning [john & I were both home because of the strep], I called my drs office - they were plum full, but would call me if a cancellation came up. john and I decided that if they didn't call before noon, we would just take ty to see the dr at the medi center.

so, at noon [my mom had picked up nate] we tromped over to the medi center. 2.5 hrs later we were seen by a doctor [grrr! I HATE WAITING!!!] who promptly sent us to the emergency room at the sturgeon. they took one look at ty, his lump & his fever and called the stollery. they gave him an iv, took some blood and started him on iv antibiotics. and then we waited some more. at 6pm, an ambulance came and took ty & I to the university hospital.

to make a long story a tad shorter, he has a swollen gland in his neck - quite common for children as their immune systems are not used to dealing with different types of bacteria [like strep]; the glands overreact, then swell. they put ty on out-patient status and gave him another dose of antibiotics. we were back there at 1am for more and this morning we are heading there again. this morning, they are also going to ultrasound the gland. if it has abscessed, we are dealing with surgery. if it has not, then the antibiotics should do the trick.

regardless, keep us [and more specifically ty] in your prayers. I will post later when I know more.

a rough night

well, ty is sick...which makes me sad. he is so sad looking; he is cuddling with john right now, but he was up off and on all night. john & I are both feeling a lot better today, but I am so tired from being up most of the night. we are just waiting to hear from the dr's office [if they've had a cancellation] and if we don't hear something soon, then it will be off to the medi-centre. grrr. and we are going to need to pick up some advil too...my head is pounding. alas, a sad, grey friday all the way around.

new hair!

so I got my hair chopped last night...I had planned to go for the SERIOUS chop, but decided on a more in between cut that I am LOVIN'!! the boys and I are all sick - well, nate isn't really, but ty & john have the same sore throat that I have. misery. it hurts to talk, hurts to swallow, hurts to do everything with my mouth...except for ice cream - that tastes very good!

got on the scale today...finally, down a few pounds. I need to put the scale away until next thursday - and get back to the weighing myself once a week.

ty took 2 steps!

ALONE!!! and in Dr Fleck's office! YAH TY! [okay, so there's an excited mom here!]

it figures....

that I would start feeling sick the morning after a 4 day weekend. grrr. we were up late last night watching 24. my whole eating day was whacked because of my schedule, but I kept my calories pretty close to my goal. of course, since I ate dinner at 4pm, I was starving at 8pm. so, I started out with some fruit, then had a yogurt, then a dark chocolate cadbury thin. shoulda stopped after the yogurt. good thing today is a new day! I have my healthy lunch & snacks packed up, I got a good start on my report cards yesterday and I am feeling good about this week. [oh, and I walked 7k yesterday!!]

just a note to self: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"...I am going to meditate upon this verse today [and the next few days] as I know that I cannot do this with my own strength and will power. I am going to need some help from a MUCH bigger source.

it's 6:32...I'd better get going.

pics of ty - 11mos!!

me & my boys - yes, my eyes are half closed...

ty looks like he has a big 'fro in this pic - just fuzzy hair, I think!

if I could do it yesterday...[and other crazy things!]

well [how many posts have I started with that word?? first person to guess correctly wins a prize!!], I stayed below 1550 calories yesterday - and didn't feel hungry. I also had my last snack before 8pm. not bad, all things considered!

and because I like setting mini goals, these are mine for the week:
1. stop eating after 7:30 - if I feel like I am dying of starvation, I will only eat fruits or veggies.
2. drink all 3L of water - when I drink this amount, I feel better.
3. start eating oatmeal for breakfast again...this might be tough, but I am going to try!
4. accountability with erika!

oh, and some new pics of ty [who, by the way, is standing alone!!] to follow in my next post!

7k & hockey tape

so I did 7k this morning with my mom & my aunt...they went a little longer than I did, but for some reason my stomach has been giving me grief. last night I was buckled over in pain. today, I just constantly have the feeling like I could throw up. and no, I am not pregnant ['cause I know that's what everyone is thinking!].

I am having a hard time lowering my caloric intake to 1550 calories. I am hungry in the evenings without a lot of room to budge. I did a different calculation today and it put my high end more at 1650. I know 100 calories won't make all the difference in the world, but maybe it's the psychological allowance that I need. I am making a lot of changes, but the scale isn't budging. grrr. erika and I are going to talk today and make a plan. speaking of which - I am hungry!

and now I am off in search for some hockey tape - a project I am working on!!

I am SO annoyed

so john brought me a mcflurry - bad move on so many levels. I had already reached my caloric limit of 1550 & that added 630 calories...GRRRRRRR! then, after eating the bloody mcflurry, I discovered that my tooth broke. so, now I have a sub booked for tomorrow because I have to get into the dentist ASAP...I am just really hoping that they have an opening - if not, I'm SO hooped. double grrr.

I feel good!

well, a really great weekend!

John treated me to a day off on Saturday - he took the boys to his mom's for the day and I hung out ALL BY MYSELF!!! although I LOVE my boys, I needed a day just to clean the house, go for coffee, watch ER, take a nap and just spend time alone.

ty is officially done the boob...I have mixed feelings about it though. I miss my "ty time", but I am glad he is taking the bottle, as he's not been getting the nutrition that he should be getting. it's one less stress in my day as well. this, more than anything, has the biggest impact on how I nourish my body. starting today, I am cutting my calories from 1800 to 1500 per day. that is a HUGE difference for me. I am really logging all my food closely, as I adjust to this change. I am hoping that this kick starts my body into losing some real weight, as it is no longer providing nourishment for a whole other person. also, I walked yesterday - 3k & I am going to attempt a 9k tonight. I need to make me & my health a priority. I need to honour my body with what I put in it. plus, I think erika is KICKING my butt and I need catch up!!

also, I bought the Joyce Myers book this weekend - I am going to read chapter 1 tonight.

5.44!

so, my knee survived an hours walk...and after a week without walking, I also survived!! rae & I went over by her house and it felt really great to be out there in the fresh air. speed & distance still need to be improved, but hey, that will come sooner than later.

now, about the dumb-ass food. I either need to get a grip or stay fat. I so cannot deal with the latter, so I'd better get working on the first. how many friggin' times do I need to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it...FOREVER. grrr. I like how my body is starting to look, I enjoy wearing nice clothes - that are smaller and cuter and bought in a regular store. but why, oh why, in the heat of the moment, do I eat a 500 calorie scone? or 2 pieces of yummy pumpkin square? WHY????!!! I feel like something needs to click in my brain. maybe that needs to be the focus right now - little sticky notes on my desk, my water bottle, my computer, my FORHEAD! maybe I just need to get MAD.

I was watching Oprah today and they were talking to women who abused their bodies either with food...both over & under eating; the common thread was self hatred. so here's the question of the hour: do I hate myself so much that I will continue to abuse my body? and really, it's not even mine, but created for me to take care of. do I really have that much anger and hatred towards myself? I don't think I do, yet the way I treat myself seems to indicate something else. this bothers me...as does my attitude as of late. bottom line, I am not liking all my negativity right now. it is coming through in my relationships with my family. it is coming through in my classroom. it is coming through in everything and I SO don't want that.

so here's the deal, cor...SMARTEN UP! GET A GRIP! and in the words of Winston Churchill, "never, never, never quit". and even better, in the words of Paul, "it was for freedom that Christ set us free". and just because I can't resist, in Mel Gibson fashion, FREEDOM!!!

give it one more shot

john & I wrote out our goals for the next week - portion size & workout schedule. it helps to have him on-side with the goals, then he can work in my favor. and suddenly all my struggles this week have made sense - I HATE PMS!!!

I was emailed this artical today: [thanks, sparkspeople!]

Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.
"We keep hearing about how persistence is often the key to success. But what do you do when you've been striving for so long that it seems like your goal is never going to see light? How do you deal with the fear that you're about to fail? Simple. Give it just one more shot. And then one more. Think about the sweat and time you've committed already. You've come this far, you'd be unfair to yourself if you quit without a fight. Even if the odds are way out of your favor and you can't see how it can possibly help, reach out and take one last swing. You never know what will happen. Big, meaningful achievements don't just happen when everything goes your way. How many times have you seen tennis players make miraculous winning shots while lunging for a ball that seemed impossible to reach? Sometimes, you can find victory in the effort."

a standstill

well, I have been back at work for a full month and I have discovered that I am at a standstill. although my exercise has increased my quality of eating has decreased. part of that is having to bring a lunch, coming home late, having to worry about food for the boys, fitting in time to grocery shop...I could go on. regardless of the reasons, there are a few things I can do. for this week, I am going to make a couple of mini goals.

1. drink 3L of water a day [I've been slacking on this] and try to drink this water before meal times.

2. portion sizes - I am going to do one of two things: pack smaller potions or just eat half. this includes the skill of listening to my body and getting in tune with my hunger/saity feelings. although this may appear to be tougher to do than counting calories, it will be something I can do when what I have to eat may not be the best quality. am I throwing good eating out of the window? heck no. I will endeavor to choose healthy, quality, filling food whenever possible.

maybe this can kick me out of my standstill and get me moving in the right direction once again.

another 6k & some more pictures!

well, I did 6k tonight...and although I am sore, I FEEL GOOD! I walked with aunty, which was really nice, but the weather was SO great - sunny, cool, a bit of a breeze! a 10 minute kilometer, not bad all things considered. and I think Rae & I are going to do another 6k tomorrow - we'll walk from my place down groat road and see if we can make it across the river!

and then there are some more pics of nate...hehehe!! the gap commercial waiting to happen!

and a few more!

and a couple more of my faves!

a few pictures...thanks Irene!

I really like this one!

I cropped this one a bit [I couldn't stand the angle of my face...so vain, I know]

an odd little day

so today was a bit off the mark - I went to the gym this morning [that was good], then I was at an inservice all day - not great food choices...literally. you could choose one thing for lunch [pizza] with some salad [caesar]. and lunch was at 1230, an hour after our usual lunch time. not so bad, but I was STARVING...I hate feeling like that. needless to say, not a great eating day so I think I will have some eggs and toast for supper. the game is on in mere minutes!

OH, and good news...I got some of the pictures from Irene - WOW! THEY ROCK! I'll post a couple!

another saturday...

do you ever feel like time just passes without stopping for a breather...ever? I feel like the weeks and the days just slip pass me...and I am not living each moment to the fullest. I do too much, I worry too much. too fast. without thinking. not living each moment. like a photographer capturing stills, moments in time, I want to capture all of it in mental pictures. if I could slow it all down, I could do it. I could live the sweet life. the life that takes time to just enjoy a coffee, read a book, savor a fine wine. I don't want days that are just like the rest, just another saturday. I want tomorrow to be extraordinary - how do I do that? I need to change how I view myself. I need to make me [my emotional, spiritual, physical self] a priority. I have reflected on this time and time again, but reflection is meaningless if it doesn't bring about change.

on another note, john is finally ready to join the frey - he stepped on a scale this weekend and is SO not loving what he saw. FINALLY I will have an ally in my journey [not like I've been flailing about all alone, but I have needed to get john on side]...I need his support in all of this. I easily succumb to his temptations of chocolate & ice cream, but no longer. as of today, we will be a formidable force!!

I can't breathe...is that how you spell it???

no seriously...I am SOOOO stuffed up. nate is crying. ty is playing. we are watching tv. I want to stamp, but I am not feeling very motivated. I need another smirnoff! as usual, tomorrow is going to be busy - pictures in the morning, then a huge stamping meeting in millet in the afternoon. perhaps I will do 3k at the gym in the evening. I should be planning my walks a bit better. mini goal: no sugar tomorrow. one day at a time. oh, and a salad too...I need to up my veggie quota. I am tired. sick. grrr!

k, off to lament further in my drink!

oh, and I need to read this week - then I will have something to REALLY comment on!

I MISS YOU!!!

I miss my friends. I miss going for coffee, stamping, chatting on-line. I feel SOOOOO disconnected. grrr. I need my support group to show up and tell me to get a grip, stop whining and most importantly - STOP making excuses for why I choose to eat crap. I need a slap across the behind to get me to straighten up.

on a good note, I walked 7km tonight with my mom & joy. not only did I walk it, but I kept up - 7k in 1 hr...THAT IS BETTER THAN I HAVE EVER DONE!!! oh, and I wore my new size 14 jeans yesterday...WOOHOO!!!

grrrr

the weather sucks. the boys are snotty. I so dislike grey days. I need to buy groceries tonight. I need to go to the gym. 3k is on the schedule for today. grrrr. I just feel blah.

on the good side, I am excited about the show at susan's today...I think I planned some cool new things to demo. WOOHOO! I just can't find my spring mini's ANYWHERE. grrr. LOL. I need to just snap out of the funk.

maybe a shower will do the trick.

yesterday...

was a total write-off on so many levels. nate is sick. ty is teething. I caught nate's cold. my TA was sick yesterday. everytime I stood up I thought I was going to fall over from dizzyness. I purposly ate ice cream so that I would get sick...yeah, not pretty!

today is MUCH better! we all got a good nights sleep last night. my TA is back and feeling better. my stomach is feeling a ton better. I hate being sick.

tonight I am going to walk 5k with rae. I saw the summer mini this morning, so I am thinkin' there are a couple of things I am going to *need*...LIKE THE COOL DOUBLE SIDED PAPER!!!

and I am excited about my show for susan on saturday...I think I'll prep for that tonight!

my calories the last 2 days have been on track & my goal today is to drink all my water - it's easy to forget throughout the day.

terms of the bet

whoever eats sugar this week [chocolate, candy, baked goods, white bread/pasta/rice, soda] has to do the dishes for a week! I think I will win!

we did our second walking class tonight & 3k...tomorrow another 3k. game is on baby! my walking week is all 3ks until the weekend. I paced rae tonight & that worked well. and I think I need to eat more for breakfast - I am running short on my calories by 6pm, then I am eating a bigger meal-type snack too late in the evening. I need to adjust my intake...

oh, and I forgot to pick up my pictures today. grrr!

and ty is 10 months old today. my sweet, sweet little boy!

phew!

I am tired tonight. it was a long day home doing nothing! okay, so I did do the laundry and I mounted my expressive flexible phrases [finally!] and I cut my hand open fixing the crib! so I did a few things. tonight I ran some errands...and tomorrow the fun starts again.

on the food front, this weekend was a bit of a write-off, but tomorrow john & I are going to go sugar-free. he doesn't think I can do it and I know he can't...so the bet is on! and hey, the oilers made the playoffs so things are happy in this house of boys!

a new tradition...

I think I started a new tradition this morning. nate & I were up early, so I boiled some eggs and he decorated them. maybe this is going to be the start of a new tradition with the boys...decorate eggs for the grandma's and opa on easter morning. we decided to go to my mom & dad's church this morning...since our church met last night. I should think about getting ready!

la dolce vita

the sweet life. I just need to slow down to enjoy it.

we are going out for dinner tonight - a great greek restaurant around the corner from us. not just us though, but it's our easter church celebration. usually we do potlucks on holidays [christmas, easter, thanksgiving], but this time everyone was wanting to do family stuff on sunday, so a saturday evening easter dinner it is! I have totally watched my calories today so that I don't have to worry this evening. I am just going to go and eat and enjoy some time with my family & friends.

my shins were killing me today. I only did a 20 minute walk [only 2k] because I thought I was going to die...okay, well of embarrassment if I fell off the treadmill! I have a feeling that I need new shoes...that will have to wait until payday. grrr.

size 14's, diet coke, chili, 5k & church

k, so the title sums it up.

I went to old navy the other night and my butt fits into size 14 jeans. okay, before you all start getting excited, they were stretch & my post-pregnancy jelly-belly was hanging over the top...so although they fit, they don't quite look attractive. I didn't buy them, but I have some coupons so I might go in the next few weeks...then maybe they will both fit & look attractive!

I discovered black cherry vanilla diet coke this weekend. I have never been a diet soda lover, but I miss pop. this I can handle.

I made a batch of chili tonight - meatless & full of yummy flavor! it's a 2 pepper chili!

my mom & I walked 5k this morning. my legs are KILLING me, but that's okay - my first 5k under my belt...tomorrow I will try for the same, only alone on the treadmill.

so I went to beulah for their good friday service this afternoon. as blah as I find beulah, it was an okay service...k, let me rephrase: the singing was good! I am glad I went, blah or not; it was a good opportunity to reflect on the day and the meaning of the holiday [I am so anti-bunny, I thought this week might just do me in!].

fave pics o' the day!

thanks, irene!

free day

well, today was my free day for the week. chinese food for lunch, a peep for a snack, coffee for dinner. not a great eating day, but I knew that going in and I made the best out of my free day...all the treats I love!!

irene sent me some of the pics she took of the boys. I'll post my fave in my next post, but kudos to her for being AMAZING with a camera!!

I went to find erika's book last night...the store didn't have it; maybe amazon will. and the post office says I have a package - HOW BIZARRE!!! I wonder if they are open tomorrow...I am ULTRA curious!!

let's get walking!

new pic of nate at the park last night! he SO didn't want to go home!

well, started our walking class tonight. 3km, 30 minutes, kept up with my mom & marcy with no problem - not winded or anything! it is a rigorous training schedule...the next 20 lbs will slide off my butt if I continue with my good eating and follow my training sessions. my next reward [when I lose the next 20] is a short hair cut & dye...so if you see me walking on the street looking all hip & funky, you'll know what happened!

happy times [week 2 at work is far better than week 1!]. and hey, my clothes smell ultra clean with my new environmental detergent!

this evening...

so I strapped on the sneakers and hit the pavement this evening. a 30 minute powerwalk did its trick: it cleared my mind, I spent some time praying, thinking about my week and I just enjoyed the fresh air.

on tuesday we start our 1/2 marathon class. hopefully they will give us a walking schedule. regardless, I think I will accomplish many goals if I just hit the street with my shoes once a day, even if just for half an hour. ALONE. it will build up my walking stamina. it will allow me to reflect on my day. it will be my time of solitude with God.

the verse in galations keeps coming back to me "it was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to the yolk of slavery." and I printed off erika's steps from the book she is reading [which I may just have to purchase!]. this is not just a physical transformation for me anymore, but a spiritual one - one that is deeply affecting every element of who I am. scary & exciting, all at the same time.

a quickie check in!

it's sunday. it's sunny. I bought some groceries for the week. I crossed over into no-mans-land of organic-earth loving laundry detergent. some influence erika & andrea are...ignorance was SOOOO bliss. [yeah, a touch of sarcasm there!] so, thinking of watching passion of the Christ on good friday...who's gonna come watch it with me??? huh? anyone? anyone???

early on a saturday morning

well, surprise, surprise, ty was up at 7 this morning...ready to face the world. too bad no one else was really interested in getting up with him. yeah. so here I sit, ty on my lap [he's eating some puffs!], realizing that my first saturday morning is not going to be spent in bed. grrr.

so I am in contemplation about some modifications. I totally succeeded in doing one week with no sugar. then this past week, all good things fell apart as my life spun into chaos. anyone who knows me knows how I feel about chaos. not a happy thing. I realize that I've gotten through the hardest week...that it is just going to get easier, more organized, not so chaotic, but in the meantime, I need to set myself up for success. how can I do that and reach my goals? well, the main motto of my week has been "when you fail to plan, you plan to fail." for the most part this is true. I need a better plan.

no sugar? a great ideal - practically speaking, not too sure if I can maintain it right now. so here is the NEW plan!

• no soda
• no chocolate bars of any kind, even the 100 calorie kind!
• no cake, donuts or other commercially baked goods...especially if they are the ooey, gooey Tim Horton's caramel kind
• no fructose-glucose
• if I choose to have a sweet treat, it needs to be homemade, within my calorie range or not one of the things listed above.

for example - my low fat puddings are okay, a caramel donut is not. a homemade pumpkin muffin is okay, a store bought one is not. a piece or two of dutch licorice is okay, a kitkat is not. although I am not going to go entirely without sugar, hopefully this gives me a bit of wiggle room so that I am being responsible in my food choices. I don't want to have another binge thursday where I eat one cookie and all hell breaks loose. not a good thing.

things that make me laugh!

"I see spider man"
"really? where?"
"at the pee-a-ter"
"really? what was he doing?"
"fighting. mom, I see gerorge too at the pee-a-ter"
"I know, nate"
"with daddy"
"in movie with yellow man hat."
"the man with the yellow hat?"
"movie in pee-a-ter. and lickish."
"you like licorice?"
"with daddy...[slight pause] and daddy eat and I eat at the pee-a-ter"
"see curious george mom?"
"no sweety, you saw it with daddy"
"yup thank you. I like pee-a-ter at the movie mom."

the day after the night before

well, back on track. I was so extreamly tired last night and ty wanted to be fed non-stop. could it be a result of his feeding strike? oh yeah, big time. he is not taking the cup at all from shirley...he will eat food, but drink? heck no. he saves it for the evenings and then it is NON-STOP! grrr. a little frustrating. I really hope that it settles down sooner than later.

big news for nate tho - he pooped on the toilet last night. first time ever at home [rumour has it that he has done it at grandma's house, but who knows for sure??]. tonight, after supper, I think I will take nate for a walk...the weather has been so nice and that will get us outside for a bit.

I am also going to spend some time reading my book before bed. I don't have to be quite so organized for tomorrow morning, since I do the "getting ready" and the driving. I need a few minutes alone. I also would like to get some of my stamps mounted. my free SAB sets are sitting there are lonely. how sad.

I did a bad, bad thing

okay, so everyone is allowed to have an off day once in a while, but this one turned off the road BIG TIME! too many calories. mcdonalds. ice cream. grrr. good thing tomorrow is a nice, fresh, important, ordinary day. back on track - count the calories, no sugar, tons of water. I CAN DO IT!! [k, that sounds like Bob the Builder]! and I think I need to have a smart snack in my bag for after school - that hunger at 330 is what throws me off.

a new fave

I took these pictures on sunday of nate's feet...I just adore little feet and these make me smile! A good day today, considering everything that I could have envisioned going wrong while I was at school went wrong. john dropped ty this morning...so a 15 minute delay. ty refused milk of any sort from shirley. nate had tons of accidents after a pretty successful weekend. but, all that aside my class is a dream. such nice, hardworking kids.

john & I went to see rob thomas tonight at the jube...what a great concert. and what a nice time out with my husband without kids. it's all good.

I have been continuing to read my book & memorize my galations...but I am too tired to put them into words right now. I'll have some time tomorrow morning.

first day back

well, it's 830...15 minutes before the kids show up through the door. I am sitting at my desk, looking at all their little desks, wondering what this day will hold. I am SOOOO very tired - trouble falling asleep. I wonder why??!! I am hoping that the boys and John got off okay, with everything and on time. I know that the first couple of days are going to be hard, but that's okay. all things will settle into a routine very soon. I brought my oatmeal & apple to school with me and took some time to eat and have my coffee...so I feel like I have some energy for the day. that and my HUGE water bottle!! phew! I don't think there is anything I've forgotten...and if there is, I'll just have to deal with it when the time comes. nothing is so important that it can't be done tomorrow.

and tonight, John & I are going to the Rob Thomas concert...yeah! that should be fun; to bad it had to be on the evening of the first day back at school!

solitude pt 2

I am still reading...read last night. He talks about solitude and what it means...how it is more than just aloneness, but coming face to face with ourselves and confronting ourselves. how we have 2 basic flaws - anger & greed and that these need to be confronted, overcome and destroyed if we are truly to be effective in ministry, life, relationship - especially our relationship with God. out of this solitude comes true compassion. once I finish this section, I am going to take a few days to ponder.

the whole sugar thing is going well - I am totally craving spicy now! I met some of the girls at Vi's yesterday [which was SUCH a nice time and we so totally need to do it more often!], and although I was hungry, I looked at the cakes and pies and not a lot looked appealing. then I got home and had a dream about cake!! LOL well, perfection is NOT achieved, there is progress.

since I've been so contemplative as of late, I will be sharing some of these things in the songs I've picked for church today...I hope I can share a part of me with some clarity.

solitude pt 1

I need some. not just physically becuase I feel like I am on the edge today, but spiritually. all the poop, naked 2 yr old, colds, teething, feeding, changing, dressing, napping, cleaning, cooking has officially zapped my energy. I need some time alone. just to meditate. think. ponder. stamp. be.

and it is april 1st today. I have been doing a pretty good job with my goals this month...in all, I lost 4 pounds - that's an average of one a week. I'd really wish it would be more, but I have officially lost 20lbs since november. and good riddence. I don't EVER want to see that 20lbs again. as a reward for my first 20, I bought myself new shoes [okay, so I bought them last week, but I haven't worn them yet!]. when I lose the next 20, I am going to reward myself by cutting all my hair off.

my goals for april are:

• continue with no sugar at least until easter, if not longer
• continue to drink 2.5-3 L of water per day
• exercise 3 times a week: sunday's at the gym, tuesday's on my walk [starting on the 11th], friday's at the gym

I'll continue to report!

Prologue

I started reading "the Way of the Heart" last night and Nouwen talkes about 2 verses: John 1:9-11 & Romans 12:2. The John verse talks about being light in the darkness and Paul says in Romans, "do not model yourselves on the behaviour of the world around you, but let your behaviour change, modeled by your new mind. this is the only way to discover the will of God and know what is good, what it is God wants, what the perfect thing to do".

These verses have been on my mind since I read them and I am wondering how they can impact my life...I am going to ponder them, meditate on them, memorize them.

On a food note, I am 5 days without sugar. I am feeling good, like the detox is over! Going to school next week, continuing on this, is going to take a lot of organization...but, not the end of the world. Speaking of which, I need a snack - maybe some corn tortillas and salsa!

I'll make up for yesterday's measly offerings

so, today & tomorrow. that's it. I am feeling really prepared for school...that I can step in on monday morning and all will be well. I got a lot done the last few days and there is nothing like spending a few hours in the classroom to get back in the mood. I am planning just to stay home today with the kids, although tonight I have some errands to run, but nothing to big...the gym, staples, the Bay.

I was thinking last night that this no sugar thing is working well for me [now that I am on day #4 and I don't want to lick anyone!]. I am not Catholic and do not usually celebrate Lent, but the concept often intrigues me, as does the monastic meditations and deprivation as to align one's heart & mind with that of Christ. so I had a thought. I want to know Christ in a deeper way. so this is my commitment between now and Easter morning [and it might just go on from there].

• no sugar [see list from my other post!].
• galations - chapter 5 - a verse a day to meditate on.
• Henri Nouwen's "the Way of the Heart" - one passage a day.

these 3 things call for big change for me. deprivation of a fleshly desire - SUGAR!!! something my body can do without & when all is said and done, something maybe I need to avoid on a larger scale. commitment to not just reading the Bible, but meditating on it...carrying it with me in my day, having it weasel it's way into my heart. and learning about solitude, silence & prayer...which means that 10 minutes out of my day, I need to spend alone with my book. no kids, no husband, no TV, no computer, no stamps, no interruptions. just me, God & Henri and my big bottle of water.

Day 3

yesterday was a lot better ...no shakes, no shivers, no wanting to lick faces. we will see what day 3 holds for me...regardless, I am not turning back! [I'll check in later!]

detox

I swear my body is in detox. is sugar a drug? well, seems like I am addicted to it. yesterday was really tough. all I wanted was SUGAR!!! the shakes, the shivers, the psychological torment. I have to say tho, I resisted all temptation...even Nate's face! last night in bed, I had to will myself to go to sleep...so that I didn't get up and eat something stupid. I also got all my water in - 3L. BUT on the downside, I was grumpy & cranky & miserable. hopefully today will be better. I started my morning with oatmeal & apple, so a good start to my day. plus, the boys had a really great sleep last night, so mom did too!

I am not usually about the deprivation, but I think this could be good for my body. This is what I am NOT eating this week: cake, chocolate, lattes [or any flavored coffee drinks], soda, baking of any kind that has sugar [muffins, cookies, brownies, pies], candy, white flour, white rice & white things in general!

so, DAY 2...HERE I COME!!

I don't like splenda

ewwww. it's like aspartame had a taste makeover that didn't take. icky, icky, icky! I just ate an oatmeal-egg white-yummy pancake but I made the mistake of putting splenda on top...talk about wrecking a totally great pancake!!

I am trying so hard to stay away from sugar today, but I SOOOOOO want to eat the cake that is sitting on my counter. and the almonds in the freezer [they are covered in chocolate!]. and the sugar on nate's face. LOL

I CAN DO THIS!!!

my sick baby

well, we made it home today...through the snow and the bad roads and the cranky kids [okay, so maybe that was just a cranky mom!]

as I am writing, ty is gagging again...another bout of puking baby. I so do not have the energy for a sick boy. he doesn't have the energy either.

I went to the gym this evening and learned a couple of things about myself:
- when I do not keep track of my food, I lose track and over eat
- when I am tired and driving in the car with 2 small children for longer than an hour, I eat crap
- when I am standing at the chip bowl at a party, I eat the chips
- when I don't pay attention, I forget to drink water
- when I don't follow my good habits, the old ones rear their ugly heads
- when all of this happens, I gain weight and don't lose it.

so, a crack down is in order. still deciding how/what exactly, but I know there will be a healthy dose of cardio done this week, as well as some short-term planning for meals and the like. bottom line: when I fail to plan, I plan to fail.

my nae

I love this picture of nate...

he is just turning into such a big boy. so independent, opinionated, lovable. I have so enjoyed this year off with him...just seeing how much he grows and develops into his own person.

MIMI!!!!

WOW...she died! and not just any ol' death, but a "great-dramatic-big-sighing-hand over the heart-WOW" kind of death!

k, now the opera was pretty darn good, but the funniest thing was the hockey-esque moment at the beginning when they were introducing the shows for the new season. there was an audible sound when Barber of Seville was announced. and an even greater response when Macbeth was announced. I nearly laughed aloud! the mass excitement of Edmonton's elite was too much for even them to contain!

heading off to bed...just wanted to comment before I sleep off the glow!

the opera

I get to go to the opera tonight with my friend susan. not that I am the huge opera goin' girl, but le boheme is a gooder! I am choosing to drink my calories today with a lovely starbucks drink! although it is a grey day, I am not complaining. 1 more week. 1 more thursday. mmmmmmm.

I am heading out to glendon tomorrow with the boys. I have a su! workshop to do for cor. that should be a lot of fun!

ty is trying to cruise around the furniture...I don't remember nate doing this at 9mos. he's going to be walking in no time.

k, nothing too deep today, nothing too pressing on my mind.

and susan, the blue grosgrain is sitting by the door waiting for you!

AI & other things that drag on!

k, so I haven't watched the show all season...I already watch FAR too much tv, but I was home alone last night and there was nothing else on. although I was VERY impressed with the caliber of singers last night [minus a couple of interesting ones...what's up with binkey??? and that little boy? anyway, I digress] there was a stinkin' commercial break after EVERY singer...they spread the show out for 2 whole hours...I swear I saw more commercials than singers. grrr. that just right burns me - if I am going to waste my time, I want to waste it watching something other than commercials for CTV news, Canadian Idol, and all the shows that CTV airs - ER, OC, CSI, L&O...the acronyms could just go on, and on, and on!

on another note, today was kinda crappy - steph was sick, so couldn't watch ty; it took us a half hour to dig my car out this morning in front of john's mom's house; no one in the city has any goats milk in stock; brown came but no one was home, so no stamps...grrr. alas, some days are just not meant to follow the plan. I think for supper I will eat some comfort food - oatmeal & apple!

chocolate eggs

not too sure, but I have a bowl of chocolate eggs in front of me...and yes, I am eating them. I need an intervention.

oh, but I smell like puke, so you may want to stay away.

what's the point?

ya know, I've been really complaining about going back to school, about exercising, about leaving the boys, about potty training, about EVERYTHING; I just had a thought about that & my recent attitude. bottom line, we cannot physically afford for me not to go back to school. yes, if john had a better paying job I could continue to stay at home, but right now that is not an option. and next to staying home with the boys, shirley & john's mom are the next best thing - they are in a christian home being cared for by someone who cares deeply about them. so here's the deal: instead of whining and complaining about it, I am going to do something about it.

I am going to see if I can I can manage something part time for the fall. I am going to look into the 4-1 plan that Edmonton Public has where I work for 4 years, they pro-rate my pay and then I can take 1 year off with pay. I am going to really start praying about john's job situation - either a raise or a better job. and then I am going to do one more thing. I am going to look at my job as a ministry - yes, nate & ty need me, but they get to come home to 2 parents who love them and love each other...I cannot say that for the kids that I teach.

but, this is what I need to do right now, in this moment. and I need to stop being all blah about the whole thing. this past year has taught me a lot of things, about myself, about my relationship with my family, about my relationship with God. I was telling erika today that I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to take care of me. bottom line, I need to change my priorities. my relationship with God needs to come first, "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will given unto you". if I care for me first [in a spiritual sense], then I will be able to continue to make good choices in how I treat my body, I'll be able to care for my children and my family and I will be able to serve God, using the gifts he has given me...in my job. and what is the thing I can practice in all of this? goodness. seeking first the kingdom of God. seeking His righteousness.

I can do this. because I am NOT alone in this journey. not all will fall apart as I transition into this new phase of my life. so I am going to just stop complaining about it.

the beginning...

of the end! it's 8:38. I am dressed, fed, packed up & ready to go. I am enjoying the few minutes of silence before Nate wakes up and before my mom gets here. then it is off to school.

I tried Marcy's pancake this morning...very tasty, very healthy. just not too sure what to do about the splenda that the recipe call for. it's not something I keep in my house, so today I used real maple syrup to sweeten it. it actually made 2 good-sized pancakes. I could almost half it. the rest of my eating day calls for yogurt, apples, tuna, salad...and whatever other veggies I feel like. with this much fiber in my system, I will just have to be vigilant about the water today. hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

here's the recipe: [how I made it this morning]
1/2 rolled oats
3 TBSP 1% cottage cheese
1 small carton of egg whites [equivilant to 1 c]
cinnamon [lotsa, lotsa!]
1 TBSP maple syrup [or I guess, splenda to taste]
mix with a hand mixer [trust me!] and bake like a pancake.

not that it's more fiber than my other oatmeal recipe, but if I plan to do this for a couple of days, that could get interesting!

I did go to the gym this morning & burned 300 and some calories off my butt...FEELS GOOD!

03-19: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0

another sunday

well, today was an interesting day - not good or bad necessarly, just different from the norm. this morning we met tim & irene for brunch at o'byrnes. we hardly ever get together with them, so it was nice to share a meal. irene took a bunch of pictures of the boys; I can't wait to see them...she has such a great eye, photography wise. nate isn't feeling top notch today, so he is in pull-ups for the night. I do not need a bed full of poop in the night.

I spent a lot of time talking to alex this afternoon about school stuff. I am feeling a bit more confident about the whole thing now. tomorrow and tuesday I am going in for the morning to meet with the kids, take a look at the routines, meet with the new TA, and just generally get a feel for things. I am not too worried, and the closer I get, the better I am feeling about it. maybe last week's anxiety has left. eating wise, today wasn't great - a fat-laden breakfast and just general rotten snacking and not nearly enough water. tomorrow I am going to head to the gym in the morning and start my day off with a "marcy pancake" and see if I can do the no sugar thing.

03-18: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 minutes @ 2pm!

holy snow, batman!!

k, so I don't mind snow...for the most part, but this is getting to be a little much! looks like 20 cm have fallen over night and more is coming. it makes a quick ride to the store a bit tough...and if it wasn't goat's milk that I needed, I'd let it go. grrr.

well, we had a fun time at the party last night. it was just so nice to be out without kids for an evening. and it was nice that the boys let us sleep in until 9am!

went to the gym this morning & I am down 2 lbs this week! WOOHOO!!

03-16: consistency: 2L/0; exercise: 0
03-17: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 30 min @ 7pm!

too many days like this would be a bad, bad thing

so this case of the blahs that I have has gone on too long. today I succumbed to the old habit of emotional eating, had a piece of caramel cake & half a container [the little ones!] of B&J's frozen-yogurt-brownie-yummy-goodness! add that to the 2 pyrogies, the muffin & coffee...what a wonderful day of emotional eating!

and, tonight we are going out, so I am not feeling very motivated to get back on track. would it be so awful to have a day to just wallow? question is, why am I wallowing [this is me not enjoying the wallow]? I think I just wish that we could afford for me to stay home. I like my teaching job, but I like my mom-job better. I get tired just thinking about how to do a good job at both. can I do it? of course. I just am going to miss the freedom of coming and going as I wish, meeting up for coffee, taking the kids to the mall, doing laundry in the middle of the day...those kinds of things. I just worry that I am going to neglect myself in all of this. I have been working SOOOOO hard to take care of myself emotionally & spiritually that I don't want that to suffer, then overeat, gain weight, get discouraged, give up... I've just got to make sure that I include time for me, somewhere in all my giving to others.

this whole half marathon thing will keep me exercising [which is VERY good] and Marcy just gave me a copy of a diet that I might try to get me off sugar [the big thorn in my side]...as long as my milk supply doesn't suffer and I am eating enough calories, I might just try it. it would mean giving up the lattes... I don't celebrate lent, but maybe between now & easter, I should do a fast of sorts - a sugar fast. I'll have to do some thinking on it...

lots to ponder today - st. patrick's day is one of my fave, so maybe I'll just stop over analyzing and just enjoy. maybe John will come home with flowers [I doubt it, but you never know!].

another blah day..

I need to snap out of this funk. I don't feel great, but not really sick enough to say that I'm sick. I think I will spend the afternoon just stamping and playing some great music...anyone wanna come over and play?? LOL Yesterday was not a bad eating day, nor has today been so far...but let's be honest. it's 10:45 and I am still in my pj's...and now I hear ty fussing. nate was up at 6am, wet & wanting to be changed, yet still half asleep. grrr. and I can't find my Alfie soundtrack - I was in the mood for some Mick Jagger. I just uploaded my Rolling Stones & Johnny Cash artist's choice CD's...maybe I'll be inspired by music that inspires the great ones! It bothers me that I can't find the music that I really want. oh well. at least it looks like it's stopped snowing!

03-15: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 40 min @ 6am

I did it!

YEAH!! I finally got up at 6am to go to the gym this morning! after 2 failed attempts on monday & tuesday, I gave myself no choice today! 335 calories burned, 1L of water consumed and I am on my way to a good day!

I am off to drive Nate to my mother-in-law's for the day, then maybe I'll go to IKEA with Ty - I need some napkins!

03-14: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

a messy morning

woke up with a headache...and just general crappyness. I feel okay now, but that is after 2 cups of coffee and some advil. both boys slept until quarter to nine, which was a nice change of pace, but poopy diaper, arrowroot cookies, wet underpants, and toys everywhere already have me tired! I have big plans to spend this afternoon stamping...anyone care to join?? I need to finish some projects and get them in the mail, work on some things for my thursday night meeting, work on my next calendar page for ty, scrap my christmas pages. lots to do and the time is a tickin' down. maybe I'll start by picking up the sticky cheerios off my floor!

03-13: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

feeling blue

so after today, there are only 2 more mondays left...before I go back to school. and really, only one, since I am spending next monday at school. I am quite sad about this, although I am anxious to get back. sad to leave my life of kids and leasure. sad that we really need the money that much. sad that we don't have an extra 5 grand kicking around so I could be off until september. sad that I really need to wean ty. sad that I can't spend all day doing whatever I feel like. [selfish, I know] and on top of it, in combination, the boys were up 3 times in the night, one of which lead to nate in our bed. grrr. so, didn't make it to the gym this morning - my goal this week is 3 times tho - so tuesday, wednesday, friday. I will still go to the gym today, but it will be this evening. and nate has had 2 "on purpose" accidents already this morning. grrr. double grrr.


03-12: consistency: 2L/1 exercise: 0 [not a great day]

the way i see it #53

"be exceptional. make tremendous efforts to be extraordinary. what a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. just make sure you do so..." [shelby lynne]

03-11: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise @ 8am - 30min

a little bit of House to get one thinking

goodness: that which is good or valuable or useful
good: being positive or desirable in nature; not bad or poor

"Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever." [Ps 23:6]

This is one of my favorite references to the word "goodness" in the Bible. I like webster's definition of good - being positive in nature. Philippians also says to dwell on things that are good - I like that whole part in Philippians...whatever is true, honourable, right, pure, lovely, good, excellent, worthy of praise - think on these things. So if an "output" of having the Spirit in me is "goodness", then good is what I want to be.

Now here is the next question: am I remotely good? HECK NO!!! so any goodness that could possibly come out of me and be remotely pure, then it must be Christ in me. Maybe that is why it so bothers me when people say that they know they will be in heaven because they are good people. grrr. goodness is a "Christ" trait. So, along with all of the other things I am currently working on in my life right now, I am going to add to it this one: I am going ask God to develop goodness in my life...then actively work on developing this trait in my life. Do I have a plan in place to see this happen? nope. but, I am going to have a chat with my creator about the whole thing. He's good at coming up with plans for my life that are much greater than anything I could ever come up with.

sometimes being a girl sucks

sometimes I truly dislike all the hormones that course through my veins. 'nuf said.

yesterday was a poor eating day for me, made bad choices as far as quality & quantity. good thing that everyday is a new day. I like that about life. and, I started the morning right; went to the gym at 8am [the saturday morning version of 6am!] and burned over 200 calories right off my butt! and the scale says that I am down another pound, so all in all, an okay morning [other than the headache, the screaming child, the firetruck noise making child and the husband who is drinking pop at 10:00 in the morning...grrr!]

on a completely other note, I was happy with how John's moms present turned out!

03-10: consistency: 2.5L/0; exercise: 0

dirty sink

I was wanting to spend some time this morning reflecting on Galations, but the boys are up, the tv is on, dishes are in my sink and I just cannot concentrate. good thing there will be some quiet later!

I did not get up at 6am this morning to go to the gym. grrr. I will still go today, but I am annoyed that I let myself talk me out of getting up. no excuses.

I'll write more later...there is a lot on my brain right now.

03-09: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0

it's snowing again...

and the wind is a-blowin'. I overkilled on calories yesterday. I am finding that when I do the whole am wake-up/work out thing that I am eating more in the morning. which makes sense, considering the 200+ calories that I am burning before feeding my body. well, today is not one of my gym days, so I am going to reign it all in and then the calorie average over 2 days will make more sense [or am I just justifying???]. regardless, I am starting my morning with a coffee and 2 yogurts @ 40 cal each...and walking with a protine bar in my bag.

well, off to take the kids out into the wind & snow...

03-08: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise @ 6am

where is my big coffee mug?

who the heck is making me wake up at 6am??? so my workout was good this morning, but I am just DRAGGING MY BUTT...I am so tired! coffee...I need my coffee!! I do enjoy the quiet though.

I had a thought on goodness in the night - how it is different from being good; not too sure how yet, but I am off to investigate...I will let you know what I find!

and my quiet moment was just that...I hear ty stirring!

03-07: consistancy: 3L/0 exercise: 0

rice & beef & something else...

how does one assign calories to a guyanese dinner made by her mother-in-law? mmmm. the things I need to ponder in a day. I am LOVING my hair cut...LOVING! if I still love it next week, it may stay like this for a while!

I've been coping out of writing this week, but I had a thought today. galations speaks of the fruit of the spirit. goodness catches my eye...I am going to spend some time reflecting on this [mentally], so stay tuned for my ponderings and thoughts on goodness [ooohhh...a teaser, to keep y'all coming back for more...all 2 of you!!]; all of galations 5 is packed with a ton to ponder, so I will deconstruct this chapter & what it means to me - after I've spent some time meditating on it!

there is poop in the water

yeah. what a way to start a day. I thought I'd give nate a bath...nothing out of the ordinary. so he sits down, playing with his toys, I go to get his towel and some coffee and I hear this screaming, "MOM! MOM!!" [splash, splash, scream] "I OUT!!! MMMMOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!" [splash, splash, slid, fall, scream]. by this point I am in the bathroom and grab up my incredibly frightened boy. and look down to see what the deal is and yup, you've got it, the deal is poop.

well. at least the bathtub got scrubbed.

I need some coffee. and now I am off to get my hair cut.

03-06: consistency: 3L/0 exercise: 6am!

phew!

I survived a 6am wake-up & work out! I could get used to this...maybe! I ran into a guy that I went to jr high with...I can only laugh. ahhh, he's a good guy and doesn't think I always look so sweaty and disheveled...

03-05: consistency: 2.5L/0 exercise: 0min

yet again

it is sunday...yet again! a good day yesterday - 3L of water, 40 minutes of cardio, no chocolate bars and some stamping got done!

today is ultra busy, but that's okay...john will take nate & I will take ty...nothing quite beats the divide & conquer strategy!

i love 2 year olds

gee, I have another post with the same name!! wonder why???!!

I took nate out this afternoon...to the urban scrapbook & chapters...2 tantrums. he has never pulled crap like that in public before...boy oh boy, talk about trying my patience! then we stopped at starbucks and the lady was baby talking to him and asked me if she could give him a treat. yeah, right! I told her the mom would be taking a treat. not too sure if she knew what to do with me. I was just right annoyed by the whole thing.

grrrr. but, he's been doing well with the potty training. well, the meatloaf is almost done and I am HUNGRY!!

finally!

WOW!! I FINALLY GOT BELOW 200! considering the yo-yo week I've had, I am glad that the scale went down not up [like LAST week!].

I had a kick-ass walk at the gym today...upped my time to 40 minutes and did hill intervals, 5 minutes at a time. it's like finally my legs can keep up with the rest of me. I like that!

yesterday, I drank all my water & didn't touch the chocolate bars...monday morning, I am going to go to the gym in the am...that should be a RUDE wake-up call! these are my goals for the next month...I want them to become habits and not a chore. they say it takes 21 days to create or break a habit...consider the last 24 hrs DAY 1!

so in light of all things good and special, I am getting my butt off this chair; I so need a shower...

YUMM-O!

well, a good eating start to a snowy, snowy day! apple, oatmeal, pecan, maple extravaganza!! AND coffee! maybe I will do some at-home exercises today [with the ball!!] since the gym has eluded me once again...grrr!

a-ha!

k, so I am feeling like crapola. no, I am not sick, just blah. icky. double-blah. but I had a moment in the shower this evening.

I have succumed to the 200 block yet again. this is the point that I always cave and go back to old habits. those old habits are like the old sinful nature. when you are not up to par & activly working on your relationship with God, you fall back in to your old nature...the pre-Christ way of doing things. we were reading in galations this past sunday. galations 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." [NAS]

so here's my thought: if Christ lives in me and it is no longer I who lives, then EVERYTHING I do needs to be through faith and not by the flesh. I guess I have always looked at this in just a spiritual sense, figuring that God didn't really care if I ate whoppers on the sly or ate to sufficate my icky, blah feelings. He does care...and not only does He care, but since He is in me and I live by faith and not by my flesh, then I don't have to muster the will power to do anything, but I do it for a whole other reason.

I am still processing all of this...my revalation of His Word in this way...but all of a sudden, it isn't about me. not only is it not about me, but it really isn't about me in any way, shape or form. it's about everything I do, say, eat or don't eat giving glory to God. now, is this an easy fix? HECK NO!!

but...God cares and sees and knows and feels and hurts and loves and knows...knows me better than I know me, and therefore I can trust Him. not only can I trust Him, but He is with me in this struggle, in my bad eating days and in my good ones...when I don't want to go to the gym and when I eat half a box of whoppers on the way home from zellers.