if you're happy and you know it...

so, I had big plans to show you updated pictures of the new house and for some reason they disappeared. if I can get that all sorted before I'm done this post, I'll show ya! apparently, they are still a month ahead of schedule - which I think is a good thing. we are here in this current house for the next few weeks, but it's going to be CHAOS between now and then. in addition to soccer three nights a week, we've starting packing. I figure if I give it a go every second night or so, then it should be done in no time. the hard part is that we are going to live with John's mom for about 6 weeks. figuring out what to take with us could be the interesting bit. part of me just wants to take my entire closet. and I may just do that. I like having choice. I think I'll be okay with the kids stuff - all their toys are coming to grandma's and I did a huge purge of their clothes last month, so everything that is in their drawers is coming with us. I think it's just all the coordinating that may kill me. I just keep trying to remember that in less than 3 months, we'll be in our own house. sigh.

then just to put me in my place, last night was puke-o-rama at our house. oh, good times. good. times. as poor nate sat on the toilet with his puke bucket in hand, I had to have a wee laugh about why I look so tired all the time. I have small children. they puke. they poo. they make messes. they are the reason for the stretch marks and the laugh lines. they are the reason I don't always have time to make calls at the end of the day or blog. but, I get to go to soccer games and laugh at my kid wearing plaid pants, socks and sandals. and at the end of the day, especially on nights where bed time is not a fight, I am just grateful. remind me of this on those other days...please?

still no picture. the email is just not coming through.

don't go chasin' waterfalls

sigh.

I swear that the older I get, the more PMS I get. today, I was a bear. my poor nate got the brunt of it. deserved? never. justified? not really. pushing all my buttons? absolutely. overtired? you betcha. finally, after having an argument over why cool whip is not an appropriate snack in bed [can I have cool whip? no. can I have cool whip? no. - x20], I walked away, closed my door and cried. seriously bawled my eyes out. I sat on the hard, cold floor of my bedroom and sobbed. "I can't do this mom thing. I'm awful. I am wrecking my child. I'm damaging him for life." all things that were going through my head. then, he came into my room, sat on my lap and hugged me. he wiped my tears and asked if I was okay. we talked about how I want him to grow up to be a kind, obedient boy. I apologized for yelling. I told him that he needed to go to bed. he asked for cool whip. after I said no, yet again, he asked for a banana.

this exhausts me. emotionally and physically. I don't know how people in their forties have babies - babies turn into toddlers, preschoolers and grade one boys. more work that I can deal with in a day.

that all said, I feel rotten. tomorrow I will hug him again and make sure he knows he's loved. and I am grateful that tomorrow is a brand new day - fresh with no mistakes in it. [courtesy of Miss Shirley from Anne of Green Gables] grace new every morning. for this I am thankful.

seriously!

okay, I've missed you, my dear blog. I have been busy - both physically and emotionally. I've come home at the end of my days absolutely drained, only to have to clean the house, pack up the kids for another showing...almost every night for the last month. today, things have turned a bit. I feel that I can breath. the house is in pending, three weeks until we are out of here, the new house is a month ahead of schedule. sigh. there is so much more to this story - one that takes place over a cup of coffee and not in a public forum. regardless, dear blog, I am going to make this up to you. I am going to post everyday for the next three weeks. everyday until the may long weekend. that is the goal. and soon, we will be friends again.

Nate - playing with sticks! and Ty, chillin' after his piano solo!

derailed

sorta derailed. or maybe just out of sorts. or slammed at work. regardless, I've been neglectful of my dear blog. I feel incoherent and confused in my head. since the last blog post, I've written all my report cards, updated all my IPPs, signed all the house papers and finalized the changes, dealt with crap at work [kid crap mainly] and have attempted to keep my head above water. life keeps pushing it under. coughing and sputtering is never a good place to be.

the whole lent thing has been okay. there have been a few mishaps along the way, and some general avoidance, but other than that it's been good. I may just keep living this way. generally, my belly is feeling a lot better - and I'm eating more veg. and cooking WAY more. it's all good.

sigh.

I have a potentially great pumpkin loaf in the oven and it's needed more bake time. other than that, it smells DELISH. healthy, yummy [I hope] and dairy free!

here's a pic of the new house [as of today!] - I am starting to get excited.

and we bought a new couch this week - our first big furniture purchase! the first couch we've bought together, although the hand-me-downs have served us well!

and, as of wednesday [yes, st patty's day!], John and I have been together for 10 years. not married for 10, but we started dating 10 years ago. super crazy. I suddenly feel old. or maybe just like an adult. all these adult choices and decisions. I guess at 37 it's time to be an adult. I don't like that much!!! [and I'll always be 14 in my head - a crappy age to be stuck at mentally, but it could be worse!!!]

xoxo

one week and counting

thoughts on this week:

1. I am okay.

2. I can handle a week of high stress.

3. I love teachers convention.

4. it was really great running into some old friends.

5. I am happy that our new house now has a roof and windows.

6. ty is the only one in this house that loves my pumpkin muffins as much as I do.

7. I threw a perfectly good cupcake in the garbage today.

8. I was down 2.8 today.

9. I really wish my belly liked quinoa.

10. the things I do with my life have an impact - I can choose if it's good or bad.

11. I like seeing my name on my door every morning.

12. I really like that one of my kids went to starbucks for me at lunch the other day.

13. I am so thankful that the days are getting longer. I can roll up to school at 7:15 and it's light already!

14. I think the olympics have rocked this year. and yes, I am biased. GO CANADA!

when the night feels my song

so, today is my official first day of no dairy, no red meat. I have been easing myself in this week, however. can't do the whole "cold-turkey" thing. plus, I needed to use up my pricy, yet tasty, goats cheese! I did discover something today [unfortunately for my diet]. peeps are dairy free. full of sugar, but dairy free. this, my friends, is a bad, bad thing. at only 28 calories per peep, and totally fat-free, that is 0 points. bad, bad peeps. on the other hand, I've been cooking more. and today I found a recipe for a mediterranean pizza that is dairy free [crust by scratch] that I think I am going to try making next weekend. I can be this girl.

I think if this lenten season proves anything, it will be the importance of living with intention. I am re-discovering the necessity for reading labels and assessing what I can eat or not eat. this week I am going to focus on trying some new recipes - something with quinoa, if I can manage it. and maybe next week I'll spend some time being introspective about my hunger [as in, is it mental hunger or is it stomach hunger...that takes some post-report card time, not to be done pre-report card!]. I also want to be down 2 lbs this week. I know this is going to mean really tracking and remaining conscious throughout my stress. I can do this. I need to do this. for me, for my family, for my health. good riddance already. dean mentioned an important point in church today - that lent is to help steer us back on course. one or two degrees off doesn't make an initial difference, but over time it can pull things right off track. I need to be back on track. course plotted. intention set.

today

I am so thankful for my sweet husband. he is kind and caring. and he really is my anchor when my day has been seriously insane. I get to come home to a peaceful place every night. and for this, I am truly thankful.

[I edited this photo with my iPhone using the camerabag filter "1962". love the retro/shaft look!]

showstopper

so we have some walls. and for this I am thankful! [we're on the LH side]

there is a plan...

so after posting last night, I got word that the kids at church will be doing a giving chart thingy over lent - which is something John & I can do with the kids. problem solved! in addition, today I bought groceries that will support me as I phase into a no-dairy plan. I have pumpkin muffins in the oven and am excited to start transitioning into this lent season this week. [yes, I am giving myself a week to transition - no "cold turkey" over here!!].

in other news, canada is having the party of her life over in vancouver and I am loving all the olympic action that we get on the ol' telly. I had a moment when the anthem was played tonight at the medal celebration tonight. alexandre bilodeau. I'll be wearing my canada t-shirt tomorrow.

sigh. I think I may just head to bed and tape all the tv I "need" to watch tonight. too tired to think.

xoxo

things are changing around here

I started my last post with a bit of a personal rant on my self. starting today, things are changing around here. and I am going to do these changes in honour of lent. here's a link to some wiki intel on the whole lent thing. not all people who practice lent are christians, nor do all christians celebrate lent. I however, have never had strong feelings about lent either way. I didn't grow up with this tradition and I've never been super strict about it when I did decide to join in the excitement! this year is going to be a bit different. I've done some reading and have discovered some of the symbolism behind the tradition - it's about renewed vigour in three areas: prayer [justice towards God], fasting [justice towards self] and almsgiving [justice towards neighbour]. so this is what I am taking on, as of this week. I am choosing to fast from a couple of significant things - dairy [excluding eggs] and red meat. I am choosing these two things for a couple of reasons - I think I have some intolerance towards both of these food groups and need to just do this to feel better, but I also need to be this extreme to detox my system from all the things that are causing me to feel sluggish - mainly all the sugar and high-sugar carbs that I eat daily. the no-dairy thing will get rid of many options in my eating. and, it's my life philosophy to go big or go home. so I'm going big.

then there are the other parts - prayer and giving. I am making a plan in that department and will keep you posted. I am toying with a thankfulness journal for my prayer implementation. and the giving part is eluding me right now.

regardless, I am hoping that all of this has an impact on my body, but more importantly, on my soul. I need to honour my creator and be grateful for the life I get to live. and it starts here. for the next 6 weeks.

although I know darn well that I cannot commit to blogging the whole time, I know that this will be my thankfulness forum.

join me?

let's make that selfless love...

...not sacrificial love. they are close, but not the same. still having the same issues, but hey, I'll work through them! I was having a bit of a talk with myself as I was straightening my hair tonight. [yes, new hobby. as a lifer on the curly hair circuit, it's time well spent...I GET TO HAVE STRAIGHT HAIR!!!!] I am sucking the life out of my happiness, with my loathing, "edmonton-in-february" blues. and in the words of some 80's hair band, "we're not going to take it anymore". I am done with my bad attitude. for real this time. time to get this fat arse off the couch and start moving and taking care of myself. how, you may wonder, does this even relate to my issues of having to talk in church on sunday? well my thought was this: if I can't love myself in a selfless manner [wow, deep.], then how can I love anyone else with any measure of selflessness? just a heads up, I am coming from an extraordinarily christian perspective as I write. be offended if it makes you feel better, or just take it for what it is - my theological perspective on something I know very little about. bottom line, christian or not, feel free to engage me in conversation on this topic. I'd love the feedback.

so, I am going to go to the lovely "frayer" model, as we call it in social studies. I'll give you a definition, an example and a non-example. then we'll talk synonyms.

I started by going to the ever trusty dictionary.com and got this as a definition: having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish. there is a little scripture in the bible that reminds me of a story that I heard in sunday school - of a hen gathering her chicks under her wing during a barn fire and giving her life for her chicks [matthew 23:37 reminded me of this story]. like I said in my last post - the "put yourself in front of the moving bus" kind of love. these, in my opinion, would be an example of selfless love. a love that has no concern for oneself. an unselfish love. this example is one that transcends culture and time. the story of ultimate sacrifice. the giving of one's life for another. and, there are nothing wrong with these stories. they exemplify the divine. philippians 2:6-8 says this:

⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

selfless love is divine. well then how the heck am I suppose to get even close with my wee efforts in love?? oh, and I found this just a few verses ahead that drove the point home for me just a bit: "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." very interesting, considering my non-example coming right...NOW!

let's get to the non-example. I am going to be really vague here, because I don't have a clue who reads this. and it is a true story. when push comes to shove, it's about not loving a child for reasons of personal pride, all in the name of the same divine who chose to love me so much that he was "obedient to death" on my behalf. there are stories everywhere of personal pride and selfishness that so invade a person's heart that they cannot love in anyway that remotely mimics selflessness.

so in all this I come back to a series of words: selfish, proud, justified, egotistical, prejudice, self-centered. and a series of words that describe the woman I would like to become: selfless, humble, non-judgmental, giving, including, christ-centered. if selfless love is a picture of the divine, then I want be a mom, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend who exemplifies this not just under extraordinary circumstances, but in ordinary, daily existence.

and in this, I'll tell you a story about my dad, one that I will tell at his funeral [hopefully 25+ years from now!]. I remember being about 13 or 14 years old and my dad and I had a HUGE fight in the car on the way home from somewhere. we were driving south on st albert trail and there was a huge sign on the corner across the trail from the old dairy queen [if you're old-school st albert, you know where I'm talking about!]. he swore it said "yard sale". I swore it said "garage sale". and we had a HUGE fight about it. needless to say, by the time we got home, he was yelling at me, I was yelling back. doors were slammed and feet were stomped. I went to my room and cried. about an hour later, my dad knocked on my bedroom door and asked to come in. and he apologized for his behaviour. he owned his part and said sorry. and in that moment, I learned a valuable lesson - as an adult, you can put away your need for "being right" and "winning the fight" with your crazy 14 year old daughter and just be selfless in the ordinary daily existence that is our lives. he put aside his pride and ego and just made things right and in that moment, showed me what selfless love looks like when it's in human relationships.

it's in those moments where ego and pride are shelved, and your child comes to you broken and alone. it's in those moments where selfless acts are done in secret as to protect a friends reputation. it's in those moment where we choose to do the right thing and defend a sibling without thought of retaliation. it's taking the time to love as christ loves us. unconditionally. no strings attached.

sacrificial love

I need to talk in church on sunday about this topic. I'm not too sure if I even know anything about it. yeah, there are the stories of the parent who puts their life ahead of their child; we get versions of this story through email spam on a regular basis. I need something else. I need something me. when it's personal, or needs to be personal, I have a hard time coming up with an example. sheesh. HELP ME!!!! as of right now, I am teeming with non-examples, and stories of how pride gets in the way of sacrificial love. how personal agendas and preservation of a life we think we have gets in the way of truly loving others. maybe I need to keep my mind on that angle and not on the whole "my sister's keeper" angle. when I get the whole mess done, I'll post it.

crystal village

so I tried to take a picture a day with my iPhone - then edited them on my phone with one of two new apps: camerabag & shakeitphoto. camerabag comes with 8 or 9 different edits, most of which I like - helga is my favorite! shakeitphoto does an old school polaroid finish, and it even takes time to develop [the martini picture below].

although these are in reverse order, and I didn't quite manage one-a-day, it was fun to see what I could manage in a week...

#6: nate at sarah's basketball game on saturday - both boys play basketball [or are learning to] and they had great fun watching the jr high girls win a championship! go eagles!!

#5: also taken on saturday - an update on the new house. they've poured the basement. that beats last week when they had just dug the basement. progress is my friend!

#4: I concocted a martini on friday night. it was not bad - not my best, but with a tweak or two it could be EXCELLENT! this version was 1pt vodka, 1pt baileys, 1pt cherry whiskey. I think that next time I would make it with vanilla vodka and some chocolate poured in the glass to garnish it!

#3: after the crazy that was wednesday [overtired kids meet cranky mom], after I bathed nate because he peed all over the bathroom floor, I saw this arraignment on the bathtub wall and had a good chuckle. spidey meets the ducks.

#2: those of you know that know me well, know that it nearly killed me not to buy these sticky notes on tuesday. if I wasn't a teacher ['cause I can't use these at school!!] I may have given in to the temptation. I just couldn't figure out how I could use them and still be a good mom! bad enough that I have a darling 4-year old that knows how to use the f-bomb correctly.

#1: monday morning. dark, snowy with the glowing lights of my favorite morning ritual. I do love my americanos. sigh.

so what did your week "look" like?

jump

things that make me happy:

1. sitting at my computer at school in the morning and cranking my music.

2. having my morning coffee with said music blaring.

3. silence in the evening when the kids are in bed.

4. that God answers prayers.

5. that we are so darn close to closing this house deal - this time next week!

6. that apple named the new geek toy an iPad. seriously, apple. now I don't want one. it will be kinda uncool to pull my pad out of my purse. thank you for saving me a ton of money, apple. thank you.

7. friends that understand why I don't always call - and they're okay with it.

8. too tired to think of a #8 and since 7 8 9 [seven ate nine? haha!], we never get to 10. yeah. too tired.

good night, kids. talk atcha tomorrow!

smile

I'm having a hard time with that right now. these last two weeks have been almost unbearable in many ways. emotionally draining and a huge toll on my mental health. and yet, so little of it is really about me. the whole mortgage/house/stress thing is one thing. seriously, in light of all things good and special, it's low on the list of importance. exciting, but nicely in it's place. then the whole funeral thing last week has lead to some sacrifice this week, dealing with the aftermath in a 15 year old boy who really doesn't know how to deal with grief. we've had to put our plans on hold to do what we can to comfort and support and rally around, as a family. the strain has been hugely on me, however, just because of all the communication stuff. and this is what I do in my job at school - counsel, support, cry with, hug, fix, care for - with kids the same age. and then there was all the other stuff that was last week. and now today. I got some news this morning that a good friend of mine had a brain aneurysm last night. I am selfishly saying, "God, now I'm at the too-much point". my heart is so sad. she is in critical condition, but it's really critical. and yes, I know her family is really going through it BIG TIME and I am not that close to be in that circle, but I have been just so disconnected today. so sad. so shocked. all the house drama and stress seems so minor in comparison.

so, I came home and hugged my kids and john. because I can. I cooked dinner. because I can. I prayed with some friends. because it's the only thing I can do. and tomorrow, I will do the same. and the next day after that. just reminders that life is so precious. time is a gift. relationships are everything. stuff means so little. I want to be the person who spends more time kissing my kids than picking out tile. I want to invest more energy into my students that into choosing a dishwasher. I want to slow down and spend valuable minutes with a sad 15 year old than go to an exercise class.

what do you need to do today to connect with what really matters? I know what I need to do.

sweet caroline

so we put the first bit of money down on the new, new house. eeekkkk! now, we have a few weeks to get all the financing in place [which is mainly done], deliver our down payment and sign the contract. John & I are in a bit of a daze. we never imagined that we'd be able to own a new home, so this is pretty COOL! once we get the "part B" stuff in place, I'll start taking pictures! although we are really sad about having to leave our community, we know this is the best move for our family. our kids will stay at the same school and dayhome, since we'll only be ten minutes farther away; as of right now it seems really feasible for us and them. did I tell you that we are moving west? yeah. as west as you can move without leaving the city. we back onto 215 street. betcha half of you didn't even know edmonton went that far west [fair enough, so you're not all from edmonton!!]. anyways, if this is all I talk about for the next six months, forgive me. I am pretty excited [but trying not to be until EVERYTHING is in place].

bust a move

so, I am sitting here, alone in my house, waiting for john to come home and tell me that we've put an offer on a house. not just a house, but a new build. EEEEKKKKK! I am totally beyond freaking out. I didn't think I was this much of an adult. and let's be honest, house or no house, I am still not much of an adult in my brain. but, I am freaking. and so hoping that we've made the right choice. was there a right? or just a best in this moment? not too sure. honestly, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this house seems to just need us, the way it's all come together. sigh. just need john to come home. I'll keep you posted on the deets...

lean on me

going for the list thing again. I like lists.

1. remember when I said that I felt discontented. it was for a reason.

2. john and I applied for a mortgage this week. we should know soon. I think. eeekkk!

3. went to chad's uncle's funeral today. nothing to say on that front. funerals are never fun.

4. I drank with connie last night while we watched all our wed night shows. wine + friend = needed big time.

5. found out some pretty rough stuff this week about a friend. things I knew, but never really knew the way I know now. now I'm sad.

6. went and saw sugar sammy perform at the winspear on tuesday night with john. it was to raise money for the franklin foundation. good night, great cause.

7. someone from my past contacted me this week via facebook. wants to do coffee. long and complicated. not too sure what to expect. tomorrow night.

8. the olympic torch went through here last night. cool beans.

9. I am forcing my kids at school to read the Hobbit. I think I am liking more than they are. it's all good!

10. I can't really think of a number 10. it's really been an overwhelming week and I've felt emotional and a bit crazy. like I said on #1, discontented. out of sorts. so, I'd better put my big girl panties [HATE that word!] on and face the wind as it begins to change. wish me luck.

I say a little prayer

have I used that title yet?

1. sore throat. grrr.

2. president of the bad mom's club - yes, that'd be me. wearing the crown today.

3. it's monday. grrr.

4. why do kids at school tell me things? I hold too much knowledge.

5. why are my kids at school so mean to each other? must they name call and torment? really?

6. big appointment tomorrow. totally stressed. tomorrow has the potential to set the path for what's to happen to the fraser family in 2010 [in a good way!]

7. chad's uncle passed away this weekend. feeling pretty crappy about that.

8. I'm not liking my kids very much right now. I love them dearly, but they are driving me NUTS.

9. glad that there is real tv back on this week - YEAH HOUSE!

10. discontent. the word that currently describes my state of mind. change is in the air. I don't like change, unless I'm the boss of it!!

walkin' on sunshine

so yesterday was down right dismal. poor showing on the scale. myself had a serious talk with me. as in: if you want this to really happen, then own it. all of it. the mistakes. the overeating. the bingeing. the fast food. the snacks. all of it. just own it. I did it. I chose it. every little bite. then, once I've owned it, I need to fix this. just do better today, then do better again tomorrow. and just continue at that pace. I am sick of being fat. and if I say it, and believe it, then really I can fix it. enough already. although it's not been two sugar free days, it's been two candy free days. and tomorrow I will just keep on going.

the stress in my life is just another excuse to put off me. enough already. I need to realize that there will always be stress. there will always be busy things going on. there will always be kids that need me both at home and at school. there will always be a lack of sleep and occasions and celebrations. all the excuses I've used to allow myself to eat crap. enough already.

one goal. one day. tomorrow: no candy. lots of water. eat because I'm hungry. I can do this. there is a much better looking me beneath all the layers of guilt and fat and self-loathing. it's time to deal with me.

okay. too much honesty. I can only take myself in doses!

you can't always get what you want

it's been a tough week. the first week back after a short break is always hard, but this week has been tough in a different way. found out some stuff about an old student this week that has me pretty moody. I don't really want to share all the details in such a public place, but regardless, I am in a bit of a mood. down right bitchy. the "feel sorry for myself" part of my brain just wonders if all the time and energy I invest in my kids is worth it. the "get over yourself, cor" part of my brain tells me that I need to get over myself [obviously] because what I get to do with and for kids every day is so beyond me. either way, I am eating to make up for my moodiness. because we all know that helps. yeah, right.

speaking of which [great segue, eh?], I have done an okay job of tracking most everything this week. I think it may be time to do a sugar purge tomorrow. I am in a sugar induced coma. and dealing with some pretty heavy sugar cravings. detox would do my body good. keep me accountable, okay? and, tomorrow is weigh in day. little bit nervous about that. grrr. maybe I'll drink a couple litres of water and crawl into bed.

mercy

same post last year at this time. I dare ya. go check. I wrote about watching the canadian boys play against the russians for the world junior hockey championship. tonight it's against the americans. then these commercials came on:

I just hope I get to here the canadian anthem at the end of the third period - at the end of the second it is tied at 3. and and this year, it's getting me in the mood for some olympic hockey. GO CANADA!

ETA: we lost, but played incredibly hard. I will wear red tomorrow regardless...

taking chances

survived the first day back at school. did more than survive, actually. I quite enjoyed my day. It was seriously good to be back in the game! okay, so maybe honestly I was ready to go home at lunch for a nap, but other than that it was good.

and it was a good eating day. I generally stayed the course...which is considerably better than being totally derailed by 10am. and, I did my exercise class tonight. one hour of torture. it's all good!

and now, the wood is on tv. mmmm. taye diggs. I used to think he was a hottie [pre-john]. watching this movie, I remember why I thought that!

proud mary

wow. I'm speechless. [only because I can't really think of anything to write about, not because I am shocked or anything!]

so I'm going to share some pics of some of the creating I did during the glee-o-rama of 2010. that and a picture of the stack of chipboard I cut for club! these are taken with my iPhone in poor lighting, so they are mediocre at best. all supplies are stampin' up! [except the giant paper clip - the lovely felt flower is SU!, the clip is not]. oh, and got the new year's card idea from someone else - totally NOT my original thought. not even remotely.

everything else [card wise] was me trying to use up supplies that I had cut for club, classes, etc. I had paper cut, just wanted to use it all up!

school starts again tomorrow - as odd as it sounds, I am happy to be going back.

have a great monday!

defying gravity

what's your word? seems to me that susan & I did this last year. need to go check...

holy freaky batman. so, in order to find THIS post, I also found these two posts: jan 1/09 and jan 2/09. turns out last year, I spent ALL of new years day in my pj's [last year I was sick, this year no excuse except a GLEE marathon of happiness and song]. I also made the exact same thing for breakfast last year. wow. I'm strangely predictable.

anyways, back to the word. last year, my word was LIFE - and it was about choosing life. did I accomplish this on any level? maybe yes, maybe no. perhaps it should be sometimes yes and sometimes no. maybe in fact, more yes than no. I'd be curious to poll the people in my life and see what they think. they may totally disagree!

so, do I pick the same word? to I aim for the same kind of life? in a lack of complete accomplishment, I feel inclined to keep the same. in not really wanting to live in the past, perhaps I pick something else. something that is kinda like the next step forward. I am leaning towards the word "inspire". it takes me beyond myself and maybe encourages me to inspire goodness and life in others. is that to lofty? not sure. it would definitely require changes in my own attitude and behaviours [like my trucker mouth!]. guess I've kinda decided.

INSPIRE

what word will you choose to define your year - what will set your tone? your philosophy? your mission? your vision?

crush

so, whatcha up to today? me, nothing. seriously. I am waiting for the boys to clear out, then I will wash the floors, and put GLEE on - and then clean my craft space. my dear husband is taking the boys to his mom's house for the morning. he'll be gone for most of the day. I love him.

let's see if I can manage a top 10 of sorts this morning:

the top 10 happy moments of 2009...[okay, and my order is out of order because I am writing them as I think of them!]

10. nate reading books to his brother

9. wednesday night exercise and tv watching with connie

8. wednesday "off-campus" lunches

7. trip to vegas

6. trip to osoyoos

5. vancouver half marathon

4. kelowna half marathon

3. trip to ottawa

2. hitting my 10% mark

1. coffee - seriously. with my mom. with my sister. with my friends. every morning. with john. at home. at starbucks. at school.

okay, so as suspected, there were a lot more as I started writing. christmas parties, birthday parties, canada day parties. a good, good year.

what are your top 10 happy moments?

Don't rain on my parade

I got through a huge portion of yesterday's list: coffee, lunch, the disappearance of christmas, vacuuming, food, reading, GLEE!!! did not wash the floors [I forgot and won't be doing it until tomorrow!]. did not shred bills. did not do the card thing. 7 out of 10 is pretty damn good. and now I am sitting and watching "the Soloist" with John. not very often we get to do that together on a thursday afternoon. happy.

it's got to be a good thing to end off both the year and the decade in happy mode. at the beginning of this decade I knew John, but we didn't start dating until the march of 2000. almost 1o years. 10 mainly good, usually great, occasionally unsure years. but really, 10 years. crazy!

was I happy when this decade started? was I even remotely content? I have no idea. okay, I have an idea. I was completely miserable. lonely. self-destructive. a hater. a cynic. I hated myself and I hated my life. I don't like to think of who I was back then. when I think about it, I become incredibly grateful for redemption. and grace. and a god who loves me regardless. and then I remember that I must daily do this for others. exemplify redemption, grace and love. I am so glad that I am ending this decade in a much better place than I started it. this is a very good thing.

happy new years, friends.

xoxo

dancing with myself

things to do before tomorrow night:

1. take down christmas

2. vacuum [well, this is John's job, but nevertheless needs to be done!]

3. wash the floors

4. shred old bills [like, we're talking OLD!]

5. lunch with susan

6. make & mail new years cards

7. buy some food for tomorrow night

8. read my book

9. drink some coffee [should be much earlier on the list]

10. buy season 1 of glee on dvd. EEEEEKKKKK!!! this makes my heart happy.

other than number 6, potentially all of these could really get accomplished. so, I went to weight watchers today. the last time I had been was nov 28th, so it had been a month. and, I only gained 3lbs. I am quite pleasantly surprised, since I was so sure I had gained 10lbs and would be starting back in square one. so, I've set a goal for this week: I am going to track EVERYTHING - good or bad. I am going to drink 6-8 glasses of water per day. I am going to go on an alcohol fast as of friday morning. january 1 until feb 1st. one month. I have had more booze in the month of december that it's embarrassing. seriously. martini's and margarita's have more calories than I really need in my body. and I have seriously been drunk almost every weekend this month. I am flippin' 37 years old and have no business getting drunk all the time. so, detox for the month of january. I am also contemplating cutting out sugar, but that may send my system into complete shock, so for now I will track everything and replace booze with water!!

saw a quote today that I liked:

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one that feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." [Theodore Isaac Rubin]

all you need is love

because I didn't post yesterday, I'll post twice today.

I read this blog post today [love her!] and then tracked most all of what I ate and did 30 serious minutes on my mom's treadmill. and tomorrow morning, I am going back to weight watchers. it's been nearly a month and I am pretty sure I've put on a few, just purely with all the booze I've inhaled this christmas. EEEEKKKK! to make myself feel better, I am drinking some baileys.

no more waiting for tomorrow.

can't fight this feeling

so I've already missed a day. oh well.

yesterday was a bit crazed, time wise and then I attempted to partition my time capsule/time machine thingy and this lead to some restoring, some erasing and some overnight backing up. still not too sure if I did it correctly, since I was really wanting part of this drive mounting on my computer. and some of you are reading and saying "blah, blah, blah". I get it. needless to say, my computer spent 12+ hours hard wired to the time capsule having a grand ol' time being backed up.

speaking of geek stuff, John & I watched the new star trek movie this past weekend and LOVED. it. seriously. was I ever remotely cool? because I know that now I am just a geek. I think I'm okay with that.

so my apple/mac one-to-one membership expired as of yesterday and I'm feeling a bit sad about that. I may renew. I was unaware that now it's only available to brand new mac owners. so I fall into a bit of a different category over there. I feel like really I know a lot, but am just generally forgetful. and in some cases, I know more that the trainers. not too sure how I feel about that. things to ponder.

alas, it's officially my first of three days in a quiet, quiet house. I hardly slept last night, so I may just go back to sleep. movie plans this afternoon - maybe sherlock holmes, if I'm lucky.

what movie would you choose?

no day but today

okay, so Allison blogged an advent calendar of blog posts [everyday for the 24 days leading up to Christmas. I think I am going to blog an un-advent calendar [the 24 day leading away from Christmas]. I am already a day late.

so Christmas in the Fraser house was pretty nice. busy, but nice. just the right amount of family time. and the kids were really great. until today. today is payback for the late nights and the early mornings. oh well. reality had to hit at some time. tomorrow [until thursday] they are off to the dayhome so I can have 4 days of peace and quiet. or 4 days of cleaning up the post-Christmas mess!

I went to Connie's last night to drink and hang out. we ended up watching rent - one of my FAVORITE musicals. I would love to see it on broadway someday. a serious "must-do" in my life time. which got me thinking of other things I want to do in my life time. I'd like to say that I could share this list, but so far I only have one thing on it. I think that it's kinda ironic that I haven't thought about this before now, since I am totally a future thinker [it's my new self-analysis. like it?]. I am usually a planner in my head. I make lists, dates, add to calendars and live my life accordingly. and, in my defense, it's how I make my life generally work with work, kids, husband, church, family, fun, friends, etc. I am really all about what is going to happen later, tomorrow, next week. this is not really a bad thing. in fact, I am good with my futuristic thought patterns and life. HOWEVER, in being this way, I do need to force myself to slow down and enjoy the moment. I spend a lot of time talking and planning and worrying about the future and perhaps I don't balance it with living in the present. and here comes the rent tie-in. these are the lyrics from my favorite rent song. although I don't plan to go from being an unbalanced futuristic thinker to an unbalanced "present-only" thinker, the lyrics do resonate with me in a way that perhaps I need to consider.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright

No other course
No other way
No day but today
I can't control My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

so, today, I will endeavour to just enjoy today. and then tomorrow, I will try to do the same. and just really work on living with no regret, whether I make it to NYC to see rent or not.

no air

sigh.

I am at home today - yes, it is torturous of me to leave a sub with my class on the last week of school before Christmas break, I know. I felt a bit off yesterday morning and should have just stayed home in the first place, but no, I drove all the way in and just sat in my chair starring off into space, until I could handle no more. so I ditched my class at 11:00 and drove all the way home.

my symptoms, other than the lovely cold I have, include the chills [like seriously, warmth was NO where to be found], sore skin, and the lower half of my body just ached. laying in bed was torture. it felt like my blood was pooling. there is no way to describe this, other to say that there were spotty aches on the sides of my legs that were touching a surface. then this morning, a miracle happened. I woke up feeling like it had all been in my head. no chills, no soreness. the cough is back, but hey, that is a familiar. the only lingering thing I have is these large red spots on my right shin. they're tender and feel/look like an allergic reaction. SO STRANGE! so, don't know what I have/had. if this was the H1N1, then it wasn't so bad. if this is just the prelude to the flu, then EEEEKKKK!!!

personally, I think that I may just be allergic to cold weather. we've had an unbelievable cold stretch - like 4-5 days lingering in the -35/-40+ weather. like brutal. honestly, I enjoy winter. I love how the snow looks and feels under my feet. I love how it makes a city incredibly silent. I just love winter in the -10/-15 range, not any colder! so, I am sticking to my story of my sudden illness being my body just having an allergic reaction to the steady cold. today is warmer, hence the miracle recovery!!

so, I am still taking the day off [had made that decision yesterday when I felt like a smushed cracker]. I think I may shower. go to the drug store. make some cards. so exciting!

some pics...

so we're house bound. ventured out into the great big world of snow today and ended up with a blown out tire on one car and another car a bit suck in the snow. after some help, we got home from the gingerbread house making party in one piece, and set up christmas. it's a bit nuts. oh well, we'll try again tomorrow!!

the snow

know how I was wishing for snow? well, be careful what you wish for - we went from BONE DRY to 10+ cm of snow in 24 hours. honestly, it's not the actual snow that I have issues with. I like the snow. it's like magic. the whole "leaving in the dark" [aka 7am] and "coming home in the dark" [aka 430pm] seems all a bit less dark with the whiteness of the snow. I actually want to pull out the Christmas tree tonight. magic.

HOWEVER [and you knew that was coming!], I hate how the city of edmonton can't seem to get the graters out. especially on the side streets. I rather dislike driving my little car in this heaping street mess as well. and I especaially dislike how all the truck drivers in this town [and THAT is a high ratio] seem to think that they own the road. and can go any speed they want, regardless of the road conditions. I spent 2.5 hours on the road yesterday [just going to and from school] and hated every minute of it. however, slow and steady wins the race! maybe when we head out today, the roads will be in better shape, but I have no hope for edmonton drivers!!

in other news...

1. I was going to post the pictures of the cards we did last week for the christmas card thingy I hosted. I'll see if I can find them and show them off.

2. I know I haven't talked about weight watchers lately. I've been going fairly regularly, and the scale has stayed pretty much the same since september. I am fighting feeling really discouraged about this. it's been a year since I joined and I am in no way belittling the fact that I am 20lbs lighter than I was last year. I had just hoped for double. thing is, I need to own this. be proud of it. not make light of my accomplishments. and forge ahead. I know this program works for me. and I would love to write a similar post next year saying that I've lost 20 more. so what's holding me back? laziness. my dislike for hard work. my ability to stop talking about it when I don't want to be accountable. boredom. my love of food. my need to feed my stress. you know them all. am I proud of the year I've had? absolutely. I lost a small one-year old off my ass and walked the equivalent of a marathon this year. I did 7 weeks of bikram. I've been going to my exercise every chance I can. I feel better and xl t-shirts are too big. my tendency is to be okay with this. this is my mantra: DO HARD THINGS [get your mind out of the gutter!] it's about doing things that are difficult because all good things come with some seriously hard work.

3. I signed up with norwex.

4. I really am so lucky that I get to go to work everyday with people I respect and care about. I love my job. I love my students. I feel so fortunate to be in this time, in this place, doing what I get to do.

5. we get to make gingerbread houses at my cousins house this afternoon. this is one of my favorite traditions. it's going to be CRAZY fun!

6. have you been watching glee??? why not? the world is being overrun with crap reality shows. support the good stuff! oh, and if you're not already watching it, FNL makes a comeback in Canada in january - you should be watching FNL too!!!

7. gonna take a shower now. oh. maybe I'm out of time. perhaps a hat will do the trick!!

xoxo

'tis the season

eeekkkkk! is christmas closing in quickly or is it just me? why does it feel fast? and what the heck happened to november? although I am not complaining about the weather [it's be BEAUTIFUL here], maybe I'm complaining about the lack of snow [SHOCKING!]. here in the lovely alberta, we are accustom to it "feeling" like Christmas this time of year - the cold, the mountains of snow, how the lights look with the snow...there is NONE of that this year. it's dark. it's dreary. and it's fairly warm. like I said, I can live with the warm, but it's throwing my christmas spirit off big time! I have a huge christmas card thingy tomorrow, so I hope the combination of christmas cards, christmas music and the smell of mulled cider may just do the trick! and if it does work, perhaps I'll haul the tree upstairs and decorate.

and in other news...

if you're going to drink starbucks anyways, maybe you can make it count.

blog guilt

so it's really easy to say that life is busy, that there's not really time to stop and spend a few moments reflecting on my day, my week, my life. although in many ways it's true, it's partly because I put myself on the back burner when life gets a bit hectic. and really, [and this will be a shock to you, so brace yourselves!] I blog for my sanity, not because anyone really reads this. okay, sorry to the two of you that are faithful readers! so, I want to take a pause and just take this blog post to be thankful for a few things:

1. I am thankful that I have a wonderful job that I really love. it's hard to be thankful in the middle of IPP, report card and PTI season, but I am very grateful that I can provide for my family with a job that I adore.

2. I am thankful for all my stamping buddies. I let myself feel criticized [I'm sure it was how I took it vs. how it was intended] about why I sell stampin' up! and I made myself feel "less than" when defending how I do things with my business. lately I have been really reflecting on the "why" and I am so thankful that I keep going with this business just purely because of the relationships I have formed and the joy that just the thought of the girls I meet with monthly, occasionally and sometimes just yearly.

3. I am thankful for my kids. I talk a lot of crap sometimes, mainly because parenting is maybe the hardest job I've ever had, but I do love my kids. I love how Nate is learning to read and tells me how "when two vowels go a'walking the first one does the talking" and how Ty sings everything and can play Nate's batman song on the piano better than Nate can!

4. I am thankful for my husband. he's not the most talkative guy, nor the best communicator. however, he loves me best and I love him best. he treats me better than I often treat myself and for that I am so thankful.

5. I am thankful for all the people past and present that invest in my life. I could start with my parents, but really, the list is quite lengthy. some people I've lost touch with. some people I am still friends with. some people were there for a time and a place. some people have been along for a big part of the ride. but everyone has played a part and invested something of themselves in my life. and for that, I am eternally thankful.

family pics

so my friend Irene took a bunch of family pictures about a month or so ago [maybe it was just 3 weeks ago!]. I love these pictures. LOVE. here's a sampling: photos

I should also write about my trip to Ottawa - THAT was a good time too! I'll gather my thoughts and write about soon...

post #500

holy dinah.

don't even know how to make this "#500-worth". perhaps I could be eloquent. yeah, don't think so. perhaps I could be funny. doubt that one too. I may be able to produce pictures...THAT will work! thank you for reading all the time, lovely blog-readers...some of you are new, but some of you are old friends. I appreciate each of you!

xoxo

[a reminder of what I'll be doing tomorrow - dealing with batman and his little brother...batman!]

potential

do you see your potential? do you do things that may be risky, knowing that there is a good chance you'll succeed? yeah, me neither. turns out that I think I need a coach. I coach a lot of people - I think it's the teacher in me - I see potential in people who don't see it in themselves, while I sit here not seeing it at all in my own self. odd, eh? for me there's always been a fine line between confidence and arrogance and in trying so hard not to be arrogant, my confidence has turned to mush.

I have this huge deal presentation at a pd session on monday. I was REALLY stressed about it. like over the top stressed. well, I had a chat with one of my coaches and realized that he wouldn't have asked me to step on the ice if he didn't really believe that I couldn't score the goal. within that conversation, I found peace. he believes in me. it gave me permission to believe in myself. although I still have no clear view of my potential, my coaches do. and there are more of them out there than I realize - maybe it's time to start trusting what they have to tell me.

and in other news...

yeah, so overwhelmed with the above presentation that there hasn't been other news!!!

xoxo

crazy, crazy!

1. survived the kelowna marathon experience. it was bloody cold. it took every ounce of my energy to stay warm. totally nuts.

3:32:12 10:04  Cori Fraser             Edmonton, AB

2. did thanksgiving dinner with the family today. fun stuff. mmmmmm. turkey!

3. I don't get really excited about movie releases, but I'm excited about this one:

4. how did it get to be the middle of october already?

5. and just a preview of what may be a VERY fun halloween:

have you met batman, and his brother batman?

have a great week, folks!

things I am thankful for

1. september is over

2. I lost 4 pounds, then gained it back, then lost a few. SHEESH!

3. I have a great class at school.

4. I get to walk the second half of my marathon this weekend [the first half I did in may - in vancouver]. off to kelowna tomorrow!

5. glee [DON'T STOP BELIVIN']

6. football games in september. love the cfl. love the esks. love those september games!

7. Nate LOVES school and gets 100% on his word wall words almost every week.

8. club started again and I MISSED CLUB!

9. small group started up again. I sure enjoy that too!

10. pumpkin spice lattes. no wonder I gained 4 lbs in one week. I do order mine as a triple and non-fat, HOWEVER...still all that SUGAH!

so yes, I've not blogged in a month. it is THAT month though, so I know you all understand! I will be better. I promise!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!! what are you thankful for?

10%

it has taken me 9 flippin' months, but I finally reached my 10% weight loss goal. HOLY DINAH! perhaps my new goal can be to do the next 10% in a third of that time! regardless, there is 10% less of me today than when I first got on that evil scale. I have walked a half marathon in that time, did close to 8 weeks of bikram yoga, and have begun training for another half. I ate an unknown quantity of fat-free cool whip. and I am gaining control of my life in so many areas. that's that part that feels really great. okay, looking better in my clothes feels pretty decent too. so the next goal is not monumental and I hope it's without a ton of fanfare, but the last time I lost some weight [like 3 years ago] I couldn't get below a 25 lb weight loss. SO. I need to lose 7 more pounds to get past that hurdle. since I started at a higher weight this time, it will be closer to 28lbs gone when I get to that point, but regardless that next 7lbs are pretty important ones. the weight I will be at that point is not one that I can ever recall being in my adult life. okay, so I have a short memory and didn't actually weigh myself for an entire decade, but I'm still going with it.

I did some reading on weight loss plateaus recently and the word that resounded was: PERSEVERE. hold on. endure. press on. I am reminded of a Donnie McClurkin song from over 10 years ago where it says:

Tell me what do you do when you've done all you can, And it seems like you can't make it through, Child you just stand, You just stand, Stand, Don't you give up, Through the storm , through the rain, Through the hurt , through the pain...Don't you bow, don't bend Don't give up, don't give in Hold on, just be strong...

there's a whole bunch more, but this is the part that resonates. just be strong. don't give up. it applies to so many things, doesn't it...

it's been two weeks since my last confession.

yeah. school has started.

today was a pretty okay day over all - the school part of my life is fairly predictable, fairly routine and occasionally over-the-top drama. today was good.

nate started grade one today, and I was a bad mom. he went to school with another kid, not a parent in sight. now, I know that doesn't really make me a bad mom, because I know darn well that the reason he had a good start to his day is because there was no adult there to cling to and cry with. I know my kid. on the other hand, the time between 5 pm and 7 pm has left a lot to be desired. I know he's tired. I am too. I know he worked hard today. I did too. I know he should be in bed. I should be too. tired mom, tired kid. not a great combination. good thing I get another go at this whole mom thing tomorrow. maybe one day I'll get it right. for today, I'll wear the crown of "bad mom" and tomorrow I will strive to leave it on the shelf. tomorrow, John and I will begin with plan A. I don't really want to jinx it by talking about it, but it does have to do with being fully attentive to our children and NOT our computers, tv's, iPhones, etc for the hours of 4-7pm. I know the problem is with us, not solely with them. I can fix me, especially when I don't feel like I can fix them right at this moment. phew.

with a cherry on top

so, I've been feeling really out of sorts this last bit. I've blamed it on too much family time [the love-hate relationship of vacation!], not enough sleep, not enough booze, the time change, the weather...I even commented to john last week when I was all weepy and weird, the I thought I may be pregnant. THAT'S how out of sorts I was. just cranky. did it occur to me that I was pms'ing? no! that was still a week away! yeah. it explains EVERYTHING [and so no, not pregnant!]. needless to say, while on vacation, I've been going to weight watchers meetings. in the US. in oroville. I tell ya, they are the NICEST people. some lady gave me a cucumber from her garden tonight! such a small gathering, but I was totally inspired. last week and again tonight. last week I was down .4 and this week down .2 - not too bad considering the above confession...and being on vacation! not to mention, I normally have a 3-4lb span between am and pm. in edmonton, I go to a morning meeting. here, it was 5pm. if I haven't kicked some ass when I weigh in at home, I'll be surprised. anyways, that's the story.

tonight I am sitting an enjoying the heat. and some cherries. and a glass of gehringer bros. merlot. life is good.

two for the price of one

just found this:

"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries."

{a.a. milne}

half a dozen...

well, the weather has sucked, but we've been to a bunch of wineries over the last few days:hester creek, burrowing owl, silver sage, tinhorn creek, road 13...to name a few! the ol' camera died out just as we were pulling up to hester creek, but I'll post some photos of a few other places... [oh, and we went on the first ever Fraser-Family-Nature-Walk...NEVER again! I'll tell that story a different time!]