the rising tide

and it continues.  the chaos.  no surprises.  and in the middle of it all, I'm faced with the opportunity to extend forgiveness.  and grace.  it's really hard.

and I wrote a really good post just now and lost it.  it had dorothy and red shoes and tornados.  and how I know I don't deserve grace and forgiveness but yet how I am truly worthy.  and if I am worthy, then the people around me are too.  it looked {my last post, my real post}, in word, like nothing I am about to attempt.  but it felt the same.  LOVE that when perfection is lost with a button.  ha!

forgiveness.  grace.  change.

redemption is possible.  I crave it, yet should model it.  in the giving and the receiving comes knowledge of change.  for so long I've expected it from others and have seen myself time and time again judge.  and expect.  and judge.  I have become judge and jury in my relationships.

in my chaos, I find myself sitting in a tension.  like the middle of a storm.  my feet are pointing in the right direction {away from the door}, but not yet engaged in the process.  my soul is screaming for reprieve and yet none comes.  alas, that is not entirely true.  in my swirling, twirling bit of chaos.  change comes.  reprieve from the crazy.  a lone light in the darkness of my heart.  in the choosing of silence when anger seeped through my pores.  in the allowing my heart to settle before saying words that I couldn't replace with a million years of kind actions.

I am no longer a child that gets to act out and react out of pure emotional frustration.  nor do I get to play the games of the passive aggressive.  that child in me needs to figure it out.  she is no longer.  she is the past, not the future.  in learning this, the tantrums have stopped and surrender has begun.

so as I ramble through this week, this life, I know that I will fail and I know that I will succeed.  two steps forward.  one step back.  mired in the chaos of my life.  the consequences of my choices.  the words that escape my lips.  the thoughts that haunt my dreams.  failure.  success.  both.  neither.  and the paradox that I live with.

and in the calm of the storm, I see more clearly.  like dorothy {wearing some kick-ass shoes}, in the middle of a tornado, needing to make choices that would help her find her way.  colour.  imagination.  and a road full of adventure.

my soul longs to be on fire, yet it doesn't trust me.  earning trust with oneself is a complicated process.  a process that does not happen overnight.  yet, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  with my silent exit to my back and restoration in front of me.  sometimes slow is best.

a matter of time

there is so much rolling around in my soul right now that I can't process.  or see the pattern.  although I know there is one, just waiting on the cusp of discovery.  if change is in the doing, then change is happening.  I am no longer standing still.  I wrote this yesterday:  I'm feeling like I'm beginning to move away from the back door {the one where I exit quietly from and run away from my life} and I'm beginning to cut myself some slack.

do you watch the show touch?  kiefer sutherland is the main actor.  it's hard for me to hear his voice and not hear jack bauer.  ha!  I really like this show though and I think it's because it touches on connections; how the action of one can impact in ways that you'd never see or know.  that connections and actions are not random, but the result of conscious choice.  I watched the season finale today and the first episode of the new season.  everything thing happens for a reason.  there are no coincidences.  this is the premise.  that's how I'm feeling right now.  it's all connected, but I can't quite see the thread yet.

this I know to be true.  I am being pursued.  the word surrender has nipped at my heals, grabbed my pant leg and isn't letting go.  I can't escape.  so here is the random connections that my brain is making right now:

1.  I listened to a podcast this afternoon.  recommended by someone who knew I needed to listen to it.  it's no coincidence that I listened today.  nor is it a coincidence that I had coffee with this friend this week.

are you tired of existing?  do you want to live?  what am I passing on?  death and despair or life?  there is a future waiting to be unleashed through my future, through my faith, through my life.  God is waiting to do something extraordinary.  surrender.  {paraphrased from erwin mcmanus}

2.  I'm glad that jason was quick enough to tweet this quote from church this morning:

and the question that was asked:  is your soul in hiding or is it wild?  {the answer, for me, is glaringly obvious}

3.  and I can't get this song out of my head:

in these bodies we will live,

in these bodies we will die

where you invest your love

you invest your life

awake my soul

awake my soul

awake my soul

for you were made to meet your maker

{mumford & sons}

this thread that is surfacing and making it's way through my life and through my head is weaving in and out of my consciousness.  the busy chaos that is my life squelches its music.  it's in perpetual tension.

but a revelation has occurred.  change, for me, is not linear.  it's not a + b = c.  I've been looking for linear, a straight progression of "do this" and "this" will be the result.  it's not me.  it's not how I operate.  I am a mind map of colours and images, not an equation.  and it's taken me 40 years to figure it out.  {okay, well 30...I wasn't so cognizant in my early years!!  ha!}.  and it's in the realization, peace has come.  

grace.  surrender.  peace.  joy.  life.  the essence of my soul.

I'll keep you posted {but of course!!} as things surface.  'cause you know I spin in circles.  and hear music in strange places.

xo

flesh and bones

5 days.  and the new killers album drops.  SWEET!  I do love them...

okay, what I was really going to blog about tonight.  ha!  sooooo unfocused.

it's hard to paint a true picture of my world right now.  kid #1 is to my right, trying to do homework {that was due today} and kid #2 is on the couch watching fishhooks {HATE this show!}.  meds have been doled out, supper was probably skipped.  I walked in the door at 620 and john left at 625.  that's the longest we've been in the same room in the last three days.  lunches made, dinner made and the kids refused to eat my pasta.  I am too tired to care.  completely exhausted.  nate just broke his pencil and threw his homework on the floor and I don't care.  exhausted.  every september this happens and this september is compounded by a new school {building only!}, a new job and being over committed.  oh, and some pms.  now {20 minutes later}, I am using rio to entertain the kids because I need three minutes of no whining, no touching, no "mom!  I'm STARVING" and no interruptions.  yes, it's their bedtime, but I want to be in bed.  I don't want to do bedtimes tonight.  they are just as exhausted as I am.  between being a mom and being at school, I am pulling 15 hour days.  I am hanging on by a thread.

that all said, I get asked all the time, "how do you do it?".  they want to know how I manage a high stress, fully involved job and being a mom to two very energetic boys.  although I always give my pat answer, today I was reminded of how honest of an answer it is.  I do not do this alone.  parenting is a two person gig.  and when the other person is on nights and this mom is feeling like she can barely do this for another minute, my mother-in-law calls to tell me that she'll take the boys overnight tomorrow so I can have a break.  and she tells me that I'm doing a good job.  and she tells me that she prays for me.  how do I do it?  I am not alone.  I am so grateful for my extended family.  I am not alone.

oh, and it's now 912.  nate is tucked in, ty is listening to music {that settles him} and I'm going to find some stuff on pinterest.  I can do this again tomorrow because I know rest is coming.  oh, and I'd better fire off an email to nate's teacher explaining the homework situation!

it gets better

the first day of a new school year.  really, it's my new year.  pencils sharpened.  smelly markers and new lunch boxes.  backpacks and eager faces.  and that's just the teachers.  {sad but true!}  this year, this start up has had a ridiculous amount of challenges, yet I go home at the end of a long day and I'm happy.  I am so grateful that I am able to go to work everyday with people I love to spend time with.  I work with a team of the most dedicated, diverse, crazy, passionate teachers.  and today, amidst the crazy disorganized mess that was the day, I laughed hard and whispered quietly.  I experienced ups and downs.  all in one day.  all in one building.  where we work to create community.  and hope.  so today, I'm grateful for my job.  my calling.  my passion.

{oh, and I can wear my pink-kick-ass-tall-cork-wedges and I'm normal!}

what are you grateful for today?

getting in tune

maybe today will be list-like.  just 'cause.

1.  I've been making {okay, in some cases just assembling} a lot of food lately.  I've been working hard to eat cleaner and healthier and cheaper.  ha!  so I've been scouting pinterest [follow me & I'll follow you!  my name is corifraser72.  shocking, I know.] and trying a bunch of gluten-free recipes out.  I made some granola bars for the kids {HUGE HIT!} and I tried some vegan cornbread and pizza inspired quinoa.  super yum!  and, in the vein of the whole pinterest thing, I created some ice cream sandwiches and made them look pretty!  The boys picked out cookies and ice cream and I slapped them together.  then I needed a way that the kids could eat them without as big of a mess as I could anticipate, so I wrapped them in wax paper.  HOWEVER, have you ever tried taping wax paper and throwing it in the freezer?  doesn't work.  string worked.  and looked kinda cool!  mom of the year.  that's what award I'm apparently going for.

2.  John & I went to the football game on friday night.  we lost.  but we had fun.  we haven't been in the same space for that long {like four whole hours!} in FOREVER!  our schedules have been not super coordinated as of late.  it's been a lot of spelling each other off with the kids and not a lot of us in the same space.  he's studying for his police exam {it's on saturday...do or die!  eeekkkk!} and I've been spending a lot of hours at school.  throw in shift work and voila! living in the same house as someone and not ever seeing them!  alas, it was nice to spend the evening together.

3.  I've been actively avoiding dealing with some shit lately.  I've stalled.  and then I got an email from a friend that has catapulted my head into action.  and my heart is now yearning for change.  I am hopeful, where two years ago I was hopeless.  I've said it before, but I suck at maintaining relationships.  and I got called out on it.  big time.  this isn't new news to me, but it's hard to see it in print.  I like to flee.  I read this post last night, and preston may as well been talking about me.  when things get hard, I run.  it's been a big part of my history.  I run, I avoid, I move.  this summer, without really realizing it, I've confronted it.  kinda.  

every summer I make a plan to get rid of the kids.  I justify it with "I need a break" or "they like playing with their friends" or "I can't do the stay at home mom thing".  list the excuse, I've made it.  this summer, with what started out as financial reasons more than anything, I've kept the kids home with me.  they did swimming lessons, ty did hockey camp, they had sleep overs with cousins and grandmas, but for the most part, we've been home.  and although I ran away to vegas for seven days at the start of the summer, and although I have completed NOTHING on my to do list, I've spent the summer in the same space as my kids.  working on being a mom.  a better mom.  not running away from it.  and {wait for the shocking part...}, I've kinda enjoyed it.  yes, my kids are older.  I can kick them outside to play when I'm having a day.  but it's been nice.

I bring this up because the email I got last week had something in it that has stuck with me.  it goes along the lines of this:  no matter what people say they value, you can be sure by what they choose.  I've not been great at choosing anything but myself.  I've been selfish with my choices.  and it negatively affects my relationships.  all of them.  the relationships I've started to choose over my selfish desires are those I have with my children.  john is a bit more complicated...as in, I'm not his mother and therefore do not have supreme control over his life...HA!!  but we're trying to work on that too.  {the relationship, not me having supreme control!!}

I have not nurtured any relationships in my life for a long time.  friends.  family.  kids.  husband.  and it's time to stop running away.  because there are some pretty great people in my life.  I just need to open my heart up to those relationships instead of bolting.  all the friggin' time.

and right now, these are the people that I'm looking to surround me in this journey.  the people who are grace.  people who send tough emails.  people who call me on my shit.  people that journey with me.

a wise person once told me that change isn't in the knowing, but in the doing.  and right now, it's putting one foot in front of the other.  and not towards the back door.

survivor

yes, I've fallen off the face of the earth (aka I'm back at work and my world is not my own!). it's been a busy couple of weeks. I'll give you the low-down via pictures! {and they are terribly out of order; just work with me on this!}

{edmonton folk music festival - night time on the hill}

{the lake}

{discovering the barr brothers at folk fest.  they are AMAZING}

{the zoo with the smalls}

{ty & I, feet in the water, before the storm}

{unpacking new xylophones & metallophones at school}

{the plan for august...with most of the stuff on it!}

{the cabin after the storm...it was CRAZY!}

{my fave zoo picture - on the little stone elephants, watching the elephants}

in the last two weeks:  the boys and I drove almost 8 hrs over 48 hrs, we survived a violent, sudden storm at the lake, we survived a mosquito swarming, I helped my sunburn along {grrrr}, I sat on a hill in the dark, listening to music, I made the kids come and watch jim cuddy play on a side stage, we played with cousins {first cousins & second cousins...and some sleepovers were involved, and bale hopping}, and I've unpacked {with some help} a library, a textbook room, a music room {okay, well it should be done today!} and a drama room.

it's been good to spend time with the kids.  and it's good to be back at work.  so, now I must find coffee...have a great day, peeps!!

penny lane

I'm feeling really out of sorts tonight.  and not just because I have the sun burn from HELL {totally my own fault.  I own this one.} and the mosquito bites from a place worse than hell.  my spirit is restless.  and lonely.  and just really out of sorts.

this isn't new.  I experience this feeling on a fairly cyclical basis.  only I'm usually too busy to take notice and the feeling passes.  apparently being out of sorts when one is not working kinda forces a person to take a closer look.

I have an enormous fear that looms high above my head.  like dark, foreboding clouds that hang in the sky, never giving way to rain, just sitting there, blocking the sun.  and this week it got pointed out and I had to give it a name.  it's almost by giving it a name, by giving it being, I have the ability to squish it like the little bug that it is.  I fear rejection.  I live to please others in hopes of not being rejected.  I know that this may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you {okay, well it surprised me a bit}, as I usually come off as quite confident and outgoing with my usual "I don't give a rat's ass" attitude, but fear drives much of what I do.  when I let it.

someone along the way once told me that I wasn't good enough.  and I believed it. it cripples most of everything I do and think.  I literally over-achieve or under-achieve based on my perceived success.  does that make sense?  there is a duality to my thinking.  I am super confident and overly bold in my professional life.  I rarely second guess my choices at work.  I'm a total geeky over achiever when it comes to my career.  in a lot of other areas, I often don't try things because I am so afraid of being rejected.  being laughed at.  being told I suck.  being told to stop showing up.  it makes me very reserved in my relationships.  and in the last few weeks, I've succumbed to it and it made me feel unwanted.  uncared for.  unloved.

I know that so much of this comes from the negative self-talk I'm working really hard to break.  and I know that it is also about my perception.  the bottom line is that it comes from a place of fear.  I do not want to spend the next 40+ years feeling afraid.  I'm not too sure why in the last few weeks I've been placed in a position where I have had to face rejection on such a big scale.  and my response?  feel sorry for myself.  ha!  {yeah, I'm not joking...}  but rejection is often a perception of reality.  pain that others wear.  a lack of communication.  but my heart takes a blow every time, especially when the clouds of fear are lurking closer than they should.

well, I'm done.  totally and completely done.  I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will always tear into a situation with my opinion and with as much honesty as I can muster.  the bottom line is that I cannot let this fear change who I am.  I am the kind of person who isn't always guarded and I like that about myself.  I'm done with letting fear label me.

talk about wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm going to go bury myself in my book until these storm clouds pass.  I'm counting on some sun tomorrow.

eight days a week

I have some new summer loves.  thought I'd share!

1.  the chew.  CLINTON KELLY.  do I need to say more??  I have it set on my pvr.  it's cooking.  it's crafting.  it's fun.  I don't usually watch daytime tv {yeah, 'cause I work!} and in the summers, it's usually all about csi and criminal minds reruns.  and now, I have the chew.  LOVE!

2.  batman.  FOR FLIPPIN' REAL.  I have never really bought into the batman craze.  I liked the other movies, but JF & I went to see the dark knight rises last night and I loved it.  k.  and anne hathaway as catwoman?  she kicked ass.  loved.

3.  RDJ.  why is this a new obsession for me?  I had a strange dream about him the other night.  I've decided that he's my new boyfriend.  I'm stealing him from e.  and I may re-watch the iron man movies.

4.  maeve binchy.  she passed away today.  I've read almost all of her books.  I've never been to Ireland, but she takes me there every time.  circle of friends.  light a penny candle.  I may have to re-read my faves.  oh, and have you seen the movie "circle of friends" {1995 friends!!}??  chris o'donnell & minnie driver.  and the the song "you're the one" written and sung by shane macgowan of the pogues.  L.O.V.E.

oh, you know I found the video.  my tribute to maeve binchy.  go read one of her books.

and I'll leave that at that for today.  I'm going to finish watching the chew and drinking my coffee.  have a great tuesday, peeps!!

I want to hold your hand

so, my sweet nate turned nine last weekend.  I'm quite sure that I've missed some years somewhere, and possibly some inches.  I know everyone says, "where does the time go?", but honestly, I remember bringing him home from the hospital like it was yesterday.  I remember my water breaking in evie's kitchen.  driving myself to the hospital because she doesn't drive a standard.  trying to get a hold of john because he was in school at the time.  induction.  emergency c-section.  not being able to manage the pain afterwards, but clueless how to find someone to help me!  having the nurses take him for the night so I could sleep.  breast feeding.  trying to breast feed.  having a stranger grab my boob and just STUFF it in his mouth.  ha!  and wondering when his real parents were going to come and get him because I was done babysitting.  it seems like it was yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.

and I remember his first birthday, when he only weighed 17 lbs and was considered "failure to thrive".  he had lost weight and was throwing up any food I would give him.  it was a relief when we found out that he had allergies.  and a bigger relief when a year later he had caught up with his weight and out-grown all of his food allergies.

and now he's nine.  still a little boy, but struggling to be his own person.  he is kind and sweet and good.  he has a kind heart that wants to give to those around him.  but he's fearful - sometimes scared to be his own person.  I worry sometimes that his sensitive spirit will be crushed.  even by my own words.

he still kisses me goodnight.  holds my hand in a busy place.  hugs me goodbye.  is the first person to call me on my birthday.  still sleeps with his bear-bear.  he's clever with numbers and has been known to create amazing pieces of artwork {only at school, of course!}.  he's my soccer player with a coveted left kick and he has a knack of knowing where the play in the game is going.  everyone wants to be his friend.  he loves sports and telling jokes.

he is a good kid; I am lucky to be his mom.  and my prayer for him is that he grows up to be a good man.  that he doesn't cave to peer pressure.  that he does what he knows is right.

happy birthday, my sweet boy.  I love you love you.

here comes the sun

in honour of the summer olympics, british song titles for the duration!!

I realized tonight that I didn't ever do a birthday post for nate.  I'll do that in the morning.  {I got some decent pictures of him on his actual birthday but they're on the big camera...I have to move them.}

this week has been a tad busier than last week...

{hockey camp for the wee tyrone.  he LOVES it.  why am I shocked?}

{ty and I met some friends for a movie.  it's nice when I get time alone with just one kid!}

{I went to see mary poppins with my mom, two of my sisters and my niece.  it was AMAZING!}

{the remainder of my cards from saturday...I gifted one set to my sister for her birthday}

I realized sometime on sunday that I had double posted some of my card pics...sorry about that!  I had coffee at the movie tonight.  yeah.  I am nowhere near tired.  oh, and I joined pinterest.  damn it all.

stars

I crafted today.  as in I actually went downstairs, turned on the lights and made new cards.  I used new stuff, old stuff, not yet released stuff.  and if I was a good stampin' up demonstrator, I'd list it all.  I'm not that good.  ha!  I even used retired stuff and quite frankly, I don't care.  pretty is pretty.  that said, I'm in LOVE with this bohemian paper business.  it's vibrant and LOVELY.  I made two of these cards today and the rest are from the last month...

{made this one today.  I think the celebrate stamp is in the new mini.  I regret the green I used; I usually take more care with my matching!!}

{made this two weeks ago...it's just happy!}

{made this one in june...I borrowed this set.  I like the results!}

{I over processed this photo a bit, but you get the idea.}

{another typewriter one...}

{made this one with new stuff...two weeks ago}

{another one I made today...a bit of old stuff with some new colours and a new stamp set!}

and I'm going to head down there again and see what else inspires me!  I'm just needing the break...

runaways

y'all know the love I have for the killers, right?  I have a fangirl crush on brandon flowers.  my dream concert.

new song, dudes.  I love.  it sounds a bit like brandon flowers' solo stuff and in my books, that's ALL good!!  flamingo is one of my all time favourite albums.  the new album comes out in september, I think.  yippie!!

enjoy!

one foot

saw this today:

I have met some incredible people along this journey.  and so often I forget to express my appreciation. for those of you that have laughed with me, thank you.  for those of you that have ducked when the f-word is flying, thank you.  for those of you that have told me to get a grip, thank you.  for those of you that have said no, thank you.  for those of you that have just let me cry in the dark, thank you.  for those of you that have extended a hand, thank you.  for those of you that have embodied grace, thank you.

I am so destination driven that I forget that the journey is really who you meet while we're all struggling just to put one foot in front of the other.  it's about relationships.  and I suck at those.

some of us have journeyed a long way and some just a short distance.  regardless, the imprint that is made in my heart is just that.  an imprint.  permanent.  lasting.  and each of you compels me to be a better person.

thank you.

all alright

okay.  I need a whining moment.  being sick sucks.  I'm blaming the cigar I smoked last thursday night. I woke up with the start of a tickle in the back of my throat on friday morning.  then add some late nights and "ta-da!" full on sore throat as of monday morning.  and now it's wednesday and I still don't have much of a voice.  and my throat, although not tormenting me at the same level {woohoo, I can swallow without pain!} is still not 100%.  grrr.

I'll stop whining now.

who's in the mood for some good music this morning?  so lately I've been addicted to fun.  the band.

the video is not totally my thing, but I love the song.  in fact, the whole album is pretty good - it was my packing music!  and just maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get sometime in my craft room today and I'll blare my music.  here's to hoping!

home for a rest

I'm pretty sure I've used this as a blog post title before, but it's how I feel.  I always have fun when I go away.  I always enjoy coming home.  yesterday was no exception.  7 days in vegas is almost too much. almost, but not quite!

every time I leave, I learn how much I appreciate what I have at home.  the kids brought little notes/crafts that they made to the airport.  nate held my hand the whole time.  ty wanted a cuddle when we got home.  going away is good.  coming home is better.

I had a lot of "alone with my head" time.  and I feel that emotionally, I've turned a corner.  I am not who I was six months ago.  and I am not the person who was in extreme crisis two summers ago.  I'm definitely not "there" yet, but I am seeing some things with clear eyes.  shit has gone down in my head for the last two years and I am feeling feisty enough {okay, so I'm sick right now, so totally speaking metaphorically!!} to deal.  and admitting this, is monumental in and of itself.  although you know I'm good with working out my stuff on my blog, I can't get all my thoughts straight today - I'm in a meds-induced fog.

so, I'll leave you with some pics and we'll continue this conversation soon.  I promise.

 {the view from our room.  25th floor of the flamingo is always good!}

 {starting out at the mob museum.  totally a great place!}

 {oh, but they put me in a line up.  and told me not to smile.  which made me laugh.}

 {we did a "fancy" dinner one night.  I looked a bit fancy.}

 {love the old, little casinos on fremont street where they pay out in nickels.  I won $10.  in nickels.}

 {then we were given tickets to this show.  it was pretty funny and we were in the second row.  sweet!}

 {on sunday, I dragged leanne to the house of blues for the gospel brunch.  the food was AMAZING; the show wasn't as good as it was the last time I saw it.}

{heading home}

it gets better

I had a big writing plan for tonight, but I have such a massive headache and I just don't know if I can formulate a thought!  I suspect that I didn't drink enough water today and my head is rebelling against the lack of sugar.  grrr.

regardless, lots got done today and I even had a crafting date!!  playing with new paper makes me happy!!

okay, so my big writing plan got derailed, but really, today was a good day...even with a headache!!
I'll try again tomorrow!
xo

carry on

summer vacation.  swimming lessons.  5 more sleeps until 40 {I'm counting it down like the kids!}.  4 more sleeps until the "at the pool in the heat" vacation.  sigh.  I told myself that this week was my do nothing week and I'm having a hard time doing nothing!  my body doesn't seem to know how to be at rest!!

that said, I'm on book two of the "fraser family reading program" which is more like my poor kids having a mother that makes them read and then they get to write down their books on the chalkboard.  not much of a program.  regardless, the teacher in me knows that kids can move backwards in their reading over a summer.  not my kids, damn it.  ha!  we also made a July plan...okay, a kinda plan.  it's more circular than linear, but a way to keep us a bit focused.

well the wind is blowing something fierce and phineas & ferb is on.   love!  oh and the pot of coffee needs drinking.  I do love summer.  have a great day, peeps!

oh, and I threw a link to my "summer project" over there ----> {somewhere...!}  I'll get you better directions!!  ha!