derailed

sorta derailed. or maybe just out of sorts. or slammed at work. regardless, I've been neglectful of my dear blog. I feel incoherent and confused in my head. since the last blog post, I've written all my report cards, updated all my IPPs, signed all the house papers and finalized the changes, dealt with crap at work [kid crap mainly] and have attempted to keep my head above water. life keeps pushing it under. coughing and sputtering is never a good place to be.

the whole lent thing has been okay. there have been a few mishaps along the way, and some general avoidance, but other than that it's been good. I may just keep living this way. generally, my belly is feeling a lot better - and I'm eating more veg. and cooking WAY more. it's all good.

sigh.

I have a potentially great pumpkin loaf in the oven and it's needed more bake time. other than that, it smells DELISH. healthy, yummy [I hope] and dairy free!

here's a pic of the new house [as of today!] - I am starting to get excited.

and we bought a new couch this week - our first big furniture purchase! the first couch we've bought together, although the hand-me-downs have served us well!

and, as of wednesday [yes, st patty's day!], John and I have been together for 10 years. not married for 10, but we started dating 10 years ago. super crazy. I suddenly feel old. or maybe just like an adult. all these adult choices and decisions. I guess at 37 it's time to be an adult. I don't like that much!!! [and I'll always be 14 in my head - a crappy age to be stuck at mentally, but it could be worse!!!]

xoxo

one week and counting

thoughts on this week:

1. I am okay.

2. I can handle a week of high stress.

3. I love teachers convention.

4. it was really great running into some old friends.

5. I am happy that our new house now has a roof and windows.

6. ty is the only one in this house that loves my pumpkin muffins as much as I do.

7. I threw a perfectly good cupcake in the garbage today.

8. I was down 2.8 today.

9. I really wish my belly liked quinoa.

10. the things I do with my life have an impact - I can choose if it's good or bad.

11. I like seeing my name on my door every morning.

12. I really like that one of my kids went to starbucks for me at lunch the other day.

13. I am so thankful that the days are getting longer. I can roll up to school at 7:15 and it's light already!

14. I think the olympics have rocked this year. and yes, I am biased. GO CANADA!

when the night feels my song

so, today is my official first day of no dairy, no red meat. I have been easing myself in this week, however. can't do the whole "cold-turkey" thing. plus, I needed to use up my pricy, yet tasty, goats cheese! I did discover something today [unfortunately for my diet]. peeps are dairy free. full of sugar, but dairy free. this, my friends, is a bad, bad thing. at only 28 calories per peep, and totally fat-free, that is 0 points. bad, bad peeps. on the other hand, I've been cooking more. and today I found a recipe for a mediterranean pizza that is dairy free [crust by scratch] that I think I am going to try making next weekend. I can be this girl.

I think if this lenten season proves anything, it will be the importance of living with intention. I am re-discovering the necessity for reading labels and assessing what I can eat or not eat. this week I am going to focus on trying some new recipes - something with quinoa, if I can manage it. and maybe next week I'll spend some time being introspective about my hunger [as in, is it mental hunger or is it stomach hunger...that takes some post-report card time, not to be done pre-report card!]. I also want to be down 2 lbs this week. I know this is going to mean really tracking and remaining conscious throughout my stress. I can do this. I need to do this. for me, for my family, for my health. good riddance already. dean mentioned an important point in church today - that lent is to help steer us back on course. one or two degrees off doesn't make an initial difference, but over time it can pull things right off track. I need to be back on track. course plotted. intention set.

today

I am so thankful for my sweet husband. he is kind and caring. and he really is my anchor when my day has been seriously insane. I get to come home to a peaceful place every night. and for this, I am truly thankful.

[I edited this photo with my iPhone using the camerabag filter "1962". love the retro/shaft look!]

showstopper

so we have some walls. and for this I am thankful! [we're on the LH side]

there is a plan...

so after posting last night, I got word that the kids at church will be doing a giving chart thingy over lent - which is something John & I can do with the kids. problem solved! in addition, today I bought groceries that will support me as I phase into a no-dairy plan. I have pumpkin muffins in the oven and am excited to start transitioning into this lent season this week. [yes, I am giving myself a week to transition - no "cold turkey" over here!!].

in other news, canada is having the party of her life over in vancouver and I am loving all the olympic action that we get on the ol' telly. I had a moment when the anthem was played tonight at the medal celebration tonight. alexandre bilodeau. I'll be wearing my canada t-shirt tomorrow.

sigh. I think I may just head to bed and tape all the tv I "need" to watch tonight. too tired to think.

xoxo

things are changing around here

I started my last post with a bit of a personal rant on my self. starting today, things are changing around here. and I am going to do these changes in honour of lent. here's a link to some wiki intel on the whole lent thing. not all people who practice lent are christians, nor do all christians celebrate lent. I however, have never had strong feelings about lent either way. I didn't grow up with this tradition and I've never been super strict about it when I did decide to join in the excitement! this year is going to be a bit different. I've done some reading and have discovered some of the symbolism behind the tradition - it's about renewed vigour in three areas: prayer [justice towards God], fasting [justice towards self] and almsgiving [justice towards neighbour]. so this is what I am taking on, as of this week. I am choosing to fast from a couple of significant things - dairy [excluding eggs] and red meat. I am choosing these two things for a couple of reasons - I think I have some intolerance towards both of these food groups and need to just do this to feel better, but I also need to be this extreme to detox my system from all the things that are causing me to feel sluggish - mainly all the sugar and high-sugar carbs that I eat daily. the no-dairy thing will get rid of many options in my eating. and, it's my life philosophy to go big or go home. so I'm going big.

then there are the other parts - prayer and giving. I am making a plan in that department and will keep you posted. I am toying with a thankfulness journal for my prayer implementation. and the giving part is eluding me right now.

regardless, I am hoping that all of this has an impact on my body, but more importantly, on my soul. I need to honour my creator and be grateful for the life I get to live. and it starts here. for the next 6 weeks.

although I know darn well that I cannot commit to blogging the whole time, I know that this will be my thankfulness forum.

join me?

let's make that selfless love...

...not sacrificial love. they are close, but not the same. still having the same issues, but hey, I'll work through them! I was having a bit of a talk with myself as I was straightening my hair tonight. [yes, new hobby. as a lifer on the curly hair circuit, it's time well spent...I GET TO HAVE STRAIGHT HAIR!!!!] I am sucking the life out of my happiness, with my loathing, "edmonton-in-february" blues. and in the words of some 80's hair band, "we're not going to take it anymore". I am done with my bad attitude. for real this time. time to get this fat arse off the couch and start moving and taking care of myself. how, you may wonder, does this even relate to my issues of having to talk in church on sunday? well my thought was this: if I can't love myself in a selfless manner [wow, deep.], then how can I love anyone else with any measure of selflessness? just a heads up, I am coming from an extraordinarily christian perspective as I write. be offended if it makes you feel better, or just take it for what it is - my theological perspective on something I know very little about. bottom line, christian or not, feel free to engage me in conversation on this topic. I'd love the feedback.

so, I am going to go to the lovely "frayer" model, as we call it in social studies. I'll give you a definition, an example and a non-example. then we'll talk synonyms.

I started by going to the ever trusty dictionary.com and got this as a definition: having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish. there is a little scripture in the bible that reminds me of a story that I heard in sunday school - of a hen gathering her chicks under her wing during a barn fire and giving her life for her chicks [matthew 23:37 reminded me of this story]. like I said in my last post - the "put yourself in front of the moving bus" kind of love. these, in my opinion, would be an example of selfless love. a love that has no concern for oneself. an unselfish love. this example is one that transcends culture and time. the story of ultimate sacrifice. the giving of one's life for another. and, there are nothing wrong with these stories. they exemplify the divine. philippians 2:6-8 says this:

⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

selfless love is divine. well then how the heck am I suppose to get even close with my wee efforts in love?? oh, and I found this just a few verses ahead that drove the point home for me just a bit: "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." very interesting, considering my non-example coming right...NOW!

let's get to the non-example. I am going to be really vague here, because I don't have a clue who reads this. and it is a true story. when push comes to shove, it's about not loving a child for reasons of personal pride, all in the name of the same divine who chose to love me so much that he was "obedient to death" on my behalf. there are stories everywhere of personal pride and selfishness that so invade a person's heart that they cannot love in anyway that remotely mimics selflessness.

so in all this I come back to a series of words: selfish, proud, justified, egotistical, prejudice, self-centered. and a series of words that describe the woman I would like to become: selfless, humble, non-judgmental, giving, including, christ-centered. if selfless love is a picture of the divine, then I want be a mom, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend who exemplifies this not just under extraordinary circumstances, but in ordinary, daily existence.

and in this, I'll tell you a story about my dad, one that I will tell at his funeral [hopefully 25+ years from now!]. I remember being about 13 or 14 years old and my dad and I had a HUGE fight in the car on the way home from somewhere. we were driving south on st albert trail and there was a huge sign on the corner across the trail from the old dairy queen [if you're old-school st albert, you know where I'm talking about!]. he swore it said "yard sale". I swore it said "garage sale". and we had a HUGE fight about it. needless to say, by the time we got home, he was yelling at me, I was yelling back. doors were slammed and feet were stomped. I went to my room and cried. about an hour later, my dad knocked on my bedroom door and asked to come in. and he apologized for his behaviour. he owned his part and said sorry. and in that moment, I learned a valuable lesson - as an adult, you can put away your need for "being right" and "winning the fight" with your crazy 14 year old daughter and just be selfless in the ordinary daily existence that is our lives. he put aside his pride and ego and just made things right and in that moment, showed me what selfless love looks like when it's in human relationships.

it's in those moments where ego and pride are shelved, and your child comes to you broken and alone. it's in those moments where selfless acts are done in secret as to protect a friends reputation. it's in those moment where we choose to do the right thing and defend a sibling without thought of retaliation. it's taking the time to love as christ loves us. unconditionally. no strings attached.

sacrificial love

I need to talk in church on sunday about this topic. I'm not too sure if I even know anything about it. yeah, there are the stories of the parent who puts their life ahead of their child; we get versions of this story through email spam on a regular basis. I need something else. I need something me. when it's personal, or needs to be personal, I have a hard time coming up with an example. sheesh. HELP ME!!!! as of right now, I am teeming with non-examples, and stories of how pride gets in the way of sacrificial love. how personal agendas and preservation of a life we think we have gets in the way of truly loving others. maybe I need to keep my mind on that angle and not on the whole "my sister's keeper" angle. when I get the whole mess done, I'll post it.

crystal village

so I tried to take a picture a day with my iPhone - then edited them on my phone with one of two new apps: camerabag & shakeitphoto. camerabag comes with 8 or 9 different edits, most of which I like - helga is my favorite! shakeitphoto does an old school polaroid finish, and it even takes time to develop [the martini picture below].

although these are in reverse order, and I didn't quite manage one-a-day, it was fun to see what I could manage in a week...

#6: nate at sarah's basketball game on saturday - both boys play basketball [or are learning to] and they had great fun watching the jr high girls win a championship! go eagles!!

#5: also taken on saturday - an update on the new house. they've poured the basement. that beats last week when they had just dug the basement. progress is my friend!

#4: I concocted a martini on friday night. it was not bad - not my best, but with a tweak or two it could be EXCELLENT! this version was 1pt vodka, 1pt baileys, 1pt cherry whiskey. I think that next time I would make it with vanilla vodka and some chocolate poured in the glass to garnish it!

#3: after the crazy that was wednesday [overtired kids meet cranky mom], after I bathed nate because he peed all over the bathroom floor, I saw this arraignment on the bathtub wall and had a good chuckle. spidey meets the ducks.

#2: those of you know that know me well, know that it nearly killed me not to buy these sticky notes on tuesday. if I wasn't a teacher ['cause I can't use these at school!!] I may have given in to the temptation. I just couldn't figure out how I could use them and still be a good mom! bad enough that I have a darling 4-year old that knows how to use the f-bomb correctly.

#1: monday morning. dark, snowy with the glowing lights of my favorite morning ritual. I do love my americanos. sigh.

so what did your week "look" like?

jump

things that make me happy:

1. sitting at my computer at school in the morning and cranking my music.

2. having my morning coffee with said music blaring.

3. silence in the evening when the kids are in bed.

4. that God answers prayers.

5. that we are so darn close to closing this house deal - this time next week!

6. that apple named the new geek toy an iPad. seriously, apple. now I don't want one. it will be kinda uncool to pull my pad out of my purse. thank you for saving me a ton of money, apple. thank you.

7. friends that understand why I don't always call - and they're okay with it.

8. too tired to think of a #8 and since 7 8 9 [seven ate nine? haha!], we never get to 10. yeah. too tired.

good night, kids. talk atcha tomorrow!

smile

I'm having a hard time with that right now. these last two weeks have been almost unbearable in many ways. emotionally draining and a huge toll on my mental health. and yet, so little of it is really about me. the whole mortgage/house/stress thing is one thing. seriously, in light of all things good and special, it's low on the list of importance. exciting, but nicely in it's place. then the whole funeral thing last week has lead to some sacrifice this week, dealing with the aftermath in a 15 year old boy who really doesn't know how to deal with grief. we've had to put our plans on hold to do what we can to comfort and support and rally around, as a family. the strain has been hugely on me, however, just because of all the communication stuff. and this is what I do in my job at school - counsel, support, cry with, hug, fix, care for - with kids the same age. and then there was all the other stuff that was last week. and now today. I got some news this morning that a good friend of mine had a brain aneurysm last night. I am selfishly saying, "God, now I'm at the too-much point". my heart is so sad. she is in critical condition, but it's really critical. and yes, I know her family is really going through it BIG TIME and I am not that close to be in that circle, but I have been just so disconnected today. so sad. so shocked. all the house drama and stress seems so minor in comparison.

so, I came home and hugged my kids and john. because I can. I cooked dinner. because I can. I prayed with some friends. because it's the only thing I can do. and tomorrow, I will do the same. and the next day after that. just reminders that life is so precious. time is a gift. relationships are everything. stuff means so little. I want to be the person who spends more time kissing my kids than picking out tile. I want to invest more energy into my students that into choosing a dishwasher. I want to slow down and spend valuable minutes with a sad 15 year old than go to an exercise class.

what do you need to do today to connect with what really matters? I know what I need to do.

sweet caroline

so we put the first bit of money down on the new, new house. eeekkkk! now, we have a few weeks to get all the financing in place [which is mainly done], deliver our down payment and sign the contract. John & I are in a bit of a daze. we never imagined that we'd be able to own a new home, so this is pretty COOL! once we get the "part B" stuff in place, I'll start taking pictures! although we are really sad about having to leave our community, we know this is the best move for our family. our kids will stay at the same school and dayhome, since we'll only be ten minutes farther away; as of right now it seems really feasible for us and them. did I tell you that we are moving west? yeah. as west as you can move without leaving the city. we back onto 215 street. betcha half of you didn't even know edmonton went that far west [fair enough, so you're not all from edmonton!!]. anyways, if this is all I talk about for the next six months, forgive me. I am pretty excited [but trying not to be until EVERYTHING is in place].

bust a move

so, I am sitting here, alone in my house, waiting for john to come home and tell me that we've put an offer on a house. not just a house, but a new build. EEEEKKKKK! I am totally beyond freaking out. I didn't think I was this much of an adult. and let's be honest, house or no house, I am still not much of an adult in my brain. but, I am freaking. and so hoping that we've made the right choice. was there a right? or just a best in this moment? not too sure. honestly, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this house seems to just need us, the way it's all come together. sigh. just need john to come home. I'll keep you posted on the deets...

lean on me

going for the list thing again. I like lists.

1. remember when I said that I felt discontented. it was for a reason.

2. john and I applied for a mortgage this week. we should know soon. I think. eeekkk!

3. went to chad's uncle's funeral today. nothing to say on that front. funerals are never fun.

4. I drank with connie last night while we watched all our wed night shows. wine + friend = needed big time.

5. found out some pretty rough stuff this week about a friend. things I knew, but never really knew the way I know now. now I'm sad.

6. went and saw sugar sammy perform at the winspear on tuesday night with john. it was to raise money for the franklin foundation. good night, great cause.

7. someone from my past contacted me this week via facebook. wants to do coffee. long and complicated. not too sure what to expect. tomorrow night.

8. the olympic torch went through here last night. cool beans.

9. I am forcing my kids at school to read the Hobbit. I think I am liking more than they are. it's all good!

10. I can't really think of a number 10. it's really been an overwhelming week and I've felt emotional and a bit crazy. like I said on #1, discontented. out of sorts. so, I'd better put my big girl panties [HATE that word!] on and face the wind as it begins to change. wish me luck.

I say a little prayer

have I used that title yet?

1. sore throat. grrr.

2. president of the bad mom's club - yes, that'd be me. wearing the crown today.

3. it's monday. grrr.

4. why do kids at school tell me things? I hold too much knowledge.

5. why are my kids at school so mean to each other? must they name call and torment? really?

6. big appointment tomorrow. totally stressed. tomorrow has the potential to set the path for what's to happen to the fraser family in 2010 [in a good way!]

7. chad's uncle passed away this weekend. feeling pretty crappy about that.

8. I'm not liking my kids very much right now. I love them dearly, but they are driving me NUTS.

9. glad that there is real tv back on this week - YEAH HOUSE!

10. discontent. the word that currently describes my state of mind. change is in the air. I don't like change, unless I'm the boss of it!!

walkin' on sunshine

so yesterday was down right dismal. poor showing on the scale. myself had a serious talk with me. as in: if you want this to really happen, then own it. all of it. the mistakes. the overeating. the bingeing. the fast food. the snacks. all of it. just own it. I did it. I chose it. every little bite. then, once I've owned it, I need to fix this. just do better today, then do better again tomorrow. and just continue at that pace. I am sick of being fat. and if I say it, and believe it, then really I can fix it. enough already. although it's not been two sugar free days, it's been two candy free days. and tomorrow I will just keep on going.

the stress in my life is just another excuse to put off me. enough already. I need to realize that there will always be stress. there will always be busy things going on. there will always be kids that need me both at home and at school. there will always be a lack of sleep and occasions and celebrations. all the excuses I've used to allow myself to eat crap. enough already.

one goal. one day. tomorrow: no candy. lots of water. eat because I'm hungry. I can do this. there is a much better looking me beneath all the layers of guilt and fat and self-loathing. it's time to deal with me.

okay. too much honesty. I can only take myself in doses!

you can't always get what you want

it's been a tough week. the first week back after a short break is always hard, but this week has been tough in a different way. found out some stuff about an old student this week that has me pretty moody. I don't really want to share all the details in such a public place, but regardless, I am in a bit of a mood. down right bitchy. the "feel sorry for myself" part of my brain just wonders if all the time and energy I invest in my kids is worth it. the "get over yourself, cor" part of my brain tells me that I need to get over myself [obviously] because what I get to do with and for kids every day is so beyond me. either way, I am eating to make up for my moodiness. because we all know that helps. yeah, right.

speaking of which [great segue, eh?], I have done an okay job of tracking most everything this week. I think it may be time to do a sugar purge tomorrow. I am in a sugar induced coma. and dealing with some pretty heavy sugar cravings. detox would do my body good. keep me accountable, okay? and, tomorrow is weigh in day. little bit nervous about that. grrr. maybe I'll drink a couple litres of water and crawl into bed.

mercy

same post last year at this time. I dare ya. go check. I wrote about watching the canadian boys play against the russians for the world junior hockey championship. tonight it's against the americans. then these commercials came on:

I just hope I get to here the canadian anthem at the end of the third period - at the end of the second it is tied at 3. and and this year, it's getting me in the mood for some olympic hockey. GO CANADA!

ETA: we lost, but played incredibly hard. I will wear red tomorrow regardless...

taking chances

survived the first day back at school. did more than survive, actually. I quite enjoyed my day. It was seriously good to be back in the game! okay, so maybe honestly I was ready to go home at lunch for a nap, but other than that it was good.

and it was a good eating day. I generally stayed the course...which is considerably better than being totally derailed by 10am. and, I did my exercise class tonight. one hour of torture. it's all good!

and now, the wood is on tv. mmmm. taye diggs. I used to think he was a hottie [pre-john]. watching this movie, I remember why I thought that!