five minute friday: again

yep.  SUPER late.  too late?  nope.  that said, I've been feeling like I've been in a funk lately.  tired, busy, stressed, tired {did I say that already?}.  so in some ways, I feel like I've cheated on this fmf.  I knew what the word was last week.  I've had time to roll around with it in my head.  regardless, there are reasons that it took me six days to get around to writing this post.

as always, if you want to join the fun, click on the badge to the right for all the fmf intel!

go.

it plays around in my head, over and over.  again and again.  you failed.  again.  you will never change.  you've failed.  again.  resolutions, plans, things that need change.  I've failed.  again.  round and round it plays.  over and over.  again and again.  that recording of defeat in my head.

where did I learn to sabotage myself?  where did I learn the negativity that plays in my head?  when did I decide that it was okay to be so awful.  to myself.  who gave me permission to destroy my own ambition.  my goals.  my dreams.  yet again?

so today, I'm saying STOP.  just like max in where the wild things are.  it's time to go home.  to where my dinner is still warm.  where grace abounds.  where I get to do this tomorrow.  again.  where I get to brush off the defeat and try again.  and again.  and again.  fall eight times, get up eight times.  and again if I need to.

stop the negative, yet again.  start fresh.  again.

stop.

your turn.

five minute friday: cherished

yeah, I know.  it's saturday.  I'm always blogging a day late.  blah, blah, blah.  ha!  anyways, if you like the whole fmf thing, go click on that little badgy-thing on the right hand side over there.  go.  click.  it's fun!  {I'm feeling tired, lazy and super sassy...cut me some slack!}

go.

cherished:  to hold something dear; to protect and care for someone lovingly

not too sure if I cherish much.  okay, that's a lie.  or maybe it's not.  my head is a mess with this one.  I've never felt that I hold things close.  I tend to hold things at arms length.  that way I'm not hurt.  what I'm learning is that my heart wants to cherish others and be cherished.  I am not strong.  I am not fierce.  those are outward things.  inside, I'm mush.  and I need to be held and cared for.  only I expect it, want it, miss it and have become the person not willing to make the first gesture.

I need to start feeling more vulnerable.  open.  and begin to cherish the things in my world that are worth cherishing.  with wild abandonment.  free.  my family.  my friends.  my kids.  my husband.  the ones who love me.  strong and fierce can wait for tomorrow.  today my heart is soft.

stop.

your turn.

don't try

it's saturday.  the day of sleeping in, grocery shopping, laundry and sports.  so this morning, and this post is brought to you by my dear friend leanne who brought me this mug back from NYC!  mmmm.  coffee.

so I thought that this morning, in light of the busy "back to school" week that was, that I'd just list it out...and really, it's just to report on my "restore" progress.  this month, my primary focus has been on restoring my health.  I was thinking about it last week and in 2011 I walked two half marathons.  a whole marathon when you put those two halves together.  walking makes me strong.  it gives me energy.  I started 2012 with a fender bender which led to some whiplash and although it was nothing super serious, my back became an excuse not to move my body.  2012 was also the year that I started to focus on my diet, with not a lot of visual results, but a realization that my body doesn't like wheat.  then christmas happened.  and lets be honest, baked goods taste good.  VERY GOOD.  and gfree products generally taste like crap.  although I don't do a lot of substitution in my diet {gfree items are generally high fat, high sugar and not nutrient rich}, I totally fell of the wagon over christmas.  time to restore some good eating.  and movement.  so I set some short term goals:  eat gfree, do the jillian michaels 30 day shred and no booze for two weeks.  today is update time.

1.  gfree is pretty easy for me now.  I did all the work last summer to educate myself on foods that I can eat and foods that I can't eat and now it's just a matter of keeping on track.  I am giving myself a treat meal once a week; I go for lunch with my bestie on thursdays, so that's my treat meal.  then there were some cookies that sat on my desk yesterday.  yeah.  I wasn't strong.  they were warm, gooey, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies of loveliness.  and I ate all four of them.  mmmmmm.  did it knock my whole day off?  nope.  they were worth every bite.  so my gluten free eating hasn't been perfect, but it's been decent.  I'm tracking my caloric intake and I'm making conscious choices.  I'm being intentional.  for me, that's my biggest struggle.

2.  the 30 day shred is kicking my ass.  in a good way.  day one was awful.  days two and three were worse.  day four felt a bit better.  then I got sick.  soooooo sick on sunday and monday!  so I took two days off.  I felt that fainting in the middle of the work out was not worth it!  I started back at it on tuesday and it keeps getting easier.  woohoo!  I did 13 push ups yesterday.  and all the jumping jacks.  I still have to modify some of the cardio - peeing issues.  ha!  but that's not going to change much.  I can finally do the work out with weights and not cans of beans, so that's some serious progress too!  my bestie did some measurements after school yesterday {a week late, but whatever!}; we'll measure again when I'm done the 30 days.  that said, I feel strong.  strong is amazing.

3.  no booze.  less of a struggle than I imagined.  apparently an improved diet combined with a decent workout every day is helping with my stress level.  shocking.

so there's my update.  I'm determined to make these revolutions and not resolutions.  the stats are not great, so focusing on small steps seems to be key.  for today.

don't try.  just do.

days of a child

I was a rockstar today!  finally, I feel like I had the energy to do stuff...and it's the last weekday of christmas vacation.  it's back to work on monday.  amazing how that happens.  well, I honestly suspect that my burst of energy was more food and movement related than anything else.

1.  I've been eating gluten free for the last couple of days.  THAT makes a huge difference in how I feel.  my belly feels better so I feel better.  {shocking!}  I always know that dropping gluten from my diet is key, but stuff with gluten in it tastes SOOOOOOOOO good!!  that said, feeling good today is better than how something tasted yesterday.

2.  I completed day 3 of the jillian michaels 30-day shred.  holy moly.  I was swearing at her this afternoon.  ooooohhhh.  and punching her in the face, when I could line up my punches properly.  I'd better end up with less jiggle when this is done.  I hate the work out, but I love the energy I have.  they are connected.

3.  so I bitch and complain about the lack of rest I get.  maybe I just need to focus on #1 & #2 a bit more, then I'll have more energy and not feel like I need such a big break all the time.  does that make sense?  my lack of rest comes from feeling like I have no energy.  drained all the time.  and then my body doesn't know how to deal with the stress and all the busy that is my life.  maybe if I take care of my health a bit more, and try to punch jm in the face every night, I'll feel a bit less stress.  it's worth a try, right?

4.  I cleaned up christmas today.  it looks so boring in here.  I also cleaned my house - especially that mysterious spot high up in the stairwell that looked like something had been thrown against it.  like an orange.  it's been bugging me for ages, but today, I cleaned it.  and I cooked risotto and a roast chicken for supper.  and I'm caught up on laundry.  I was on fire!

5.  finished all available episodes of sherlock.  LOVE.  I can't wait for season 3!

6.  and I strung my guitar today.  after having it sit in it's lovely stand since june, I strung it, tuned it, and played the one chord I know:  G.  I think I'll aim to learn one or two chords a week.  plus, now I think I can string the ukeleles at school.

7.  and tonight, I'm boycotting the tv so I can read.  and listen to some music.

8.  I am so grateful that my mother-in-law is always so willing to take my kids overnight.  they left at 2pm yesterday and walked in the door at 6pm tonight.  I needed that.  the solitude.  the ability to clean alone.  and have it stay clean for a few hours.  I feel blessed.  and energized.  now some tea, and I'd better get my rascals off to bed!

five minute friday: opportunity

the first five minute friday of the year.  I'm busy watching sherlock {eeeekkkk!  only one episode left!}, home alone.  ahhh, and the word is opportunity!  ironic, no?  so as always, if you want to play along, the info is on the right - just click the badge!!  I'm going to hit pause on netflix at this super scary junction...five minutes.  GO!

go.

opportunity.  I have a lot of this, but never as much as I have at the start of the year.  or at the start of a new school year for that matter.  I forget this, however, when the business of life puts me in auto-pilot.  'cause you know it does.  the mundane.  the everyday.  the driving and the sports and making lunches.  the laundry and all the other stuff that just puts us into zombie mode.

but opportunity.  fresh, new, exciting opportunities can just shock us awake.  the new year can do this.  I'm not normally big on resolutions.  in fact, this year, I'm calling them revolutions.  a chance to start again.  change the way I do life.  the opportunity to start fresh.

I can choose to waste it or embrace it.  in the past, I've wasted many, many new opportunities to start agin.  and not just in the new year, but every morning.  every sunrise is an opportunity.  to do it again.  to do it better.  I'm going to take this one.  embrace it.  change it.  and start a revolution in my heart.

stop.

stronger

day two of the new year.  much more exciting than day one.  ha!  it's a list day...yippie!

1.  nate's soccer team played an exhibition game today.  they won.

2.  I hooked up netflex to the wii last night.  one month free...and then we'll see.

3.  well, no gluten today.  that makes my belly feel a lot better.  a lot better.  plus I stocked up on belly-friendly food today - veg, hummus, avocados.  and I don't think their is any chocolate left in my house. I may have finished eating it all today.  ha!

4.  I did day one of jillian michael's 30-day shred.  I HURT.  she kicked my ass.  I swore at her.

5.  I'm watching sherlock on netflix.  I love a good mystery.

6.  tomorrow afternoon the boys are off to grandma's.  I get to clean the house and go out.  alone.  yippie!  oh, and I'm going to take down christmas.  also alone.  there has been a lot of togetherness time over the last two weeks.  I need less.  ha!

7.  I may go to a movie tomorrow.  the hobbit, I think.

8.  date night on saturday night.  booked a sitter and we're going to a movie.  skyfall, I think.  I like james bond.

9.  and tomorrow, I'm hitting the repeat button.  no gluten and the damn jm dvd.  bloody hell.

10.  I don't have a number ten.  but I am wondering if I'm more of a sherlock girl or a watson girl.  what do you think?

the night calls

so it's new years day.  a day of new beginnings.  a chance to start fresh.  I have mixed feelings about all of it.  am I setting myself up for failure if I set goals at the start of a new year?  what are the stats on resolutions?  awful.  I don't want to be THAT person.  but I kinda am that person.  or at least I think I need to try it on for size for awhile.  so this year, I'm setting a couple of goals.  and honestly, they are 14 day and 30 day goals.  I can do that.  when I'm done that time frame, I'll make another.  and another.  I just can't put all my eggs in one basket.  I like my eggs too much!

and then there's my one word.  I'll let that define my year...and let it change the way I do business.  and it will frame my resolutions and hopefully a revolution that needs to happen in my heart.

the idea of this word just came to me last week while I was walking into a starbucks by my house.  their word for the christmas season this year was rekindle.  I contemplated using rekindle when psalms 23 came to me:  "he restores my soul".  and that's when I knew.  it's not so intense as grace and surrender were, but it will require an enormous amount of work in my heart.  it's not easy to restore relationships. it's not easy to restore faith.  it's not easy.  but I suppose that's the point.  restoration - of my soul, my health, my mind, my relationships.  re-: again and again.

so with this in mind, I have set some short term, more tangible goals or resolutions for the new year.  starting tomorrow two weeks of wheat/gluten free eating.  as of monday {'cause that's when my christmas vacation is over}, two weeks of no alcohol.  and starting tomorrow, I'm going to do the jillian michael's 30 day shred that has been on my computer for months now.  I am starting with the easy:  taking measure to restore some good health and state of mind.  and I'm going to just take it in chunks.  and really, embrace the prefix re-.  for me that is getting up and trying again.  and again.  and again.

oh, and if you're wondering where my title comes from, I'm listening to jay sparrow right now.  go check him out!!

cold winter song

so every year I do this one word thing.  and it's a good, good thing.  the word that chose me for twenty twelve may have kicked my ass.  surrender.  it kicked hard.  and honestly, I feel a little beat up.  I fought it the whole year and it still won.  I'm not there yet, but I am further along in this journey than I was a year ago.  I've discovered new things about myself and about what I'm capable of.  both good and bad.  and I'm tired.  tired of fighting.  tired of trying to always be the boss of me.  and the boss of everyone else for that matter.  so when tomorrow shows up, that first day of a new year, just know that I'm not shelving all of last years work to take on a new work.  my word for twenty thirteen walks alongside.  embraces.  works with.

and I think for the first time in years, I'm going to set some goals.  some resolutions.  and create some focus for the next couple of months.

and just because I love this song, I'm going to leave this with you for the evening:

happy new year, friends.  I hope for you a night filled with celebration, reflection and no regrets!
xo

all you need is love

love.  the last of the advent topics.  {I'm going to share my random, chaotic brain with you this morning. I'm hoping you can find the thread and follow along.}

man, have I struggled with these!  I've had a difficult time getting into the christmas spirit.  I know that a big part of my issues this winter have been being too busy.  or maybe that's the excuse I'm going with.  between school {which has been going full throttle since the beginning of august}, kids sports, and a husband who works night shift, I didn't really anticipate the impact on my mental health.  yes.  I'm going crazy.  ha!  no really, my body hasn't figured out how to relax.  I've had some down time in december and I haven't known what to do with it.  as a result, I've sorta missed the anticipation of the christmas season.  and that makes me sad.  did I put on the happy face, put the lights up, buy the presents, throw the party and maybe actually enjoy it?  yep.  sometimes behaviour needs to lead and the heart can follow.

that said, my purpose in doing these advent posts was to help get my heart and my mind into the christmas spirit.  the advent, or anticipatory season.  and once again, I'm a week late.  and you know what?  that's okay.  because regardless of the timing of my writing, my heart has been focused and then refocused on joy, peace, hope and love.  and although I didn't totally feel like my energy was there, the boys and I drove through candy cane lane and enjoyed the lights, we decorated the tree together, we watched all the home alone movies together, trips to costco together, we went to church and then a movie on christmas eve...together.  it's been good.  and slowly, rest is coming.

so how does this relate to love?  I'm not sure.  what I know is that love does.  love shows up.  love acts.  love shuts up.  I've been the recipient of this lately.

a gift from friends that was unexpected and I was unable to reciprocate.  I literally burst into tears when I opened it.  it's hard being taken care of when you focus about 85% of your daily energy on taking care of others.  love.

then yesterday I got a phone call and it was a "get your ass up and meet me now!" kind of phone call.  I needed that.  and she knew that.  love.

and I had a revelation yesterday... I read this post at a deeper story.  grace's #1 resounded deeply with me:

"1. People are hurting, err on the side of kindness.  If they aren’t now, they will be soon.  So many of us, so often in misery taken out by life’s ugly curve balls.  Your kindness can make all the difference in the world.  Be kind.  Be kind.  Be kind.

When you tweet, when you blog, when you visit family, when you come home to a cranky spouse, when you change a diaper, when you are in traffic, when you are on your period, when your cat pisses on your shirt, when you have no words for the exasperation you are feeling.  No matter what, be kind.  Play nice."

kindness is the prelude to love.  when you struggle with love, start with kindness.  when you meet people that are difficult to love, let alone like, start with kindness.  because sometimes you have to change your behaviour first and give your attitude and heart a chance to catch up.

because I watched love actually this week, I'm going to end with a quote from joni mitchell {go listen to the whole song sometime...it's lovely!}: "I've looked at love from both sides now, from give and take and still somehow, it's love's illusions I recall, I really don't know love at all".

we three kings

I still owe y'all my last advent post, but I don't think I'm going to write it today.  so for today, I wish for you a relaxing day with family, friends and loved ones.  and a few minutes of reflection on the wonder that is the miracle of christmas.

I hope you dance

dec 16
hope.  seems so well timed and almost cliche at this time.  I feel like this word is more than just a one-post thing, but the reality is that this week is going to be insanely busy and one post a week is all I'm managing right now.  I know darn well that I won't really be able to do my thoughts on this any justice, but I'll try my best!

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger, may you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed, I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, whenever one door closes I hope one more opens, promise me that you’ll give faith a fighting chance, and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance.  {lee ann womack}

hope, like joy and peace before it is not simple.  it's not a wish.  it's not an "I want".  it's not simple nor is it a trite desire.

{not me...}

dec 23
it's taken me a week to write this, mainly because I couldn't think of how to put my thoughts into words and give them meaning.  I still am not sure I'm making any sense, so bear with me.

hope.
morning comes after the long, dark night.
spring comes after the cold winter.
pregnancy gives way to birthing which brings new life.
the new moon comes on it's lunar cycle.
the sun rises in the east and sets in the west...even when it doesn't make an appearance.
joy follows the time of sorrow.

there are many things that are unpredictable in our lives, but many that are securely fastened.  they are predictable.  reliable.  promises we know to be true.  in a world of chaos, I'm going to put my hope in the predictable.  the promised.  the true.

life is hard.  filled with heart break and sorrow.  filled with unrealized dreams and expectations.  but it will all pass.  hope is bigger than a wish.  bigger than compassion.  it's knowing that although the winter is long, dark and cold that spring always comes.  always.

peace train

so today is about peace.  I think, like joy, this word is more.  bigger.  deeper.  more intense than what we've let it become.

it's the absence of war.  but more.
it's the lack of worry.  but more.
it's contentment.  but more.
no chaos.  no discord.  no disagreements.  no raised voices.
peace.

well that all sounds lovely, but kinda dull.  so ironically, or maybe intentionally - depending on how you see the world, I heard a bunch of things about peace today.

and this is what I pieced together:

l.gen romeo dallaire asked once:  are all humans human or are some humans more human than others?  this was a man who saw war in a way that far too many in our world have encountered - the genocide in rwanda.  he is a man who has seen the horrors of war and knows the key to peace.  living as though no one is better than or less than us.  equal because we have the same creator.  the same blood flowing through our veins.  family.  yet daily we treat people as though we deserve to be honoured and they deserve to be brushed off.  no compassion, only ego.

peace exists when we stop seeking our own ego.  our own power.  when we seek gratitude and joy, we find peace.  and I believe when we stop the chaos in our own lives, we can begin to stop the chaos around us.  sounds easy, eh?  ha!

stoping the chaos is so much more than slowing down or cutting down on the business.  it's a state of the heart.  it's slowing down to make a difference in the life of someone else.  it's choosing someone else over the wants of your own ego.  it's putting away the need to be right...'cause who cares if you are that one time.

had a little "joy to the world" thrown my way this afternoon...what can I say?  I get around!  read that first line a couple of times.  his rule is not shrouded in power and ego, but with truth and grace.

he rules the earth with truth and grace
and makes the nations prove
the glory of his righteousness
and wonders of his love and wonders of his love
and wonders, wonders of his love

we are called to be peacemakers.  to carry the torch of peace.  to start a revolution of peace.  and it starts with me.  this hits so close to home so tonight I am writing this for myself.  to record a lesson that I need to revisit.  especially the part about keeping my mouth shut.  {yeah, don't act all shocked.  we all know it's true.}  okay, so it's not about keeping my mouth shut, but about putting away the need to be right.  in my world, they're the same thing.  and perhaps I need to start ruling my little world with truth and grace.  or with just less ego.

I've posted this quote before, but it bears repeating:

Go now to make a difference in this perilous and broken world.May you all hold each human life in the same regard as your own.May you bring serenity and peace to the lives of others.May God's Loving Spirit go with you and guide you this day and always.Amen. - Rev. Brian Yealland {2003}

peace.

ode to joy

I had this idea...and then I forgot about it {shocking!} and then remembered today so I thought, "hey! I should just do it instead of thinking about it!"  I know.  random brain.  my idea was to do a series of blog posts throughout the advent season on the four themes of advent:  joy, peace, hope and love.  it's like lighting my own advent candles in blog-land.  metaphorically speaking.  I may not be going in the same order as y'all, but this is my little order.  and this week, I'm going to focus on joy.  if you'd like to join me in this little quest, just comment below and leave your blog address.  I'm not fancy around here - there's no graphic, linky thing or badge - I have no idea how to do or make those things, nor do I have the time or energy; however, I would encourage you to join in and reflect in some way on the advent season.  count down with me.  celebrate with me.  pause with me as I reflect on how to make christmas about giving.  gratitude.  grace.  and about how I celebrate the christmas season.  with a heart focused on the gift given to me.  and a wee babe, lying in a manger.

joy.

this morning we sang this song and the last verse caught my attention in a new way:

mortals join the mighty chorus
which the morning stars began
father love is reigning o're us
brother love binds man to man
ever singing march we onward
victors in the midst of strife
joyful music lifts us son-ward
in the triumph song of life

stop and read it again.  it's so incredibly powerful.  and I feel so small next to it.  my life is bigger than me.  I am a small piece of a very large puzzle.  singing in unison with the choir.  my measly voice in unison.  in joy.  nothing makes my heart happier than when I am engaged with music.  in worship.  in dance {okay, well I can't dance to save my life, but once in a while I move these hips with some wee boys!}.  in life.  life is a song.  and I am just a small voice in the choir.  I wear this tattoo on my arm that says "choose joy".  and some days this is so incredibly difficult.  because joy does not equate happiness.  joy is deeper.  joy is immense.  joy is a way of being, not a fleeting emotion.  joy creates such consistency in my soul.  I don't even know what I mean by that exactly, except to tie it to something I heard today.  and really, it reminded me of a conversation I had with my dad about seven or eight years ago.  joy creates an atmosphere where nothing can make me or break me.  nothing is so overwhelming that I can't deal with the blessings that life gives me nor is anything so threatening and awful that it can break me.  when I choose joy, I am choosing it in all situations.  not just the good.  "victors in the midst of strife".

have I had to put this to the test?  yeah, kinda.  but not totally.  do I wish to try this out?  not really.  I don't want bad things to happen in my life.  that said, life is not perfect.  and things happen.  what I want to practice in the meantime is how to have joy permeate my soul, so that I can live "in the triumph song of life".

all that said, I still have to choose it.  I still have to be conscious.  I still need to see myself in context.  so this week, and heading towards christmas, I am going to choose joy.  in the busy.  in the chaos.  in the shopping and wrapping and baking and concert prep.  I am going to choose joy.  because luke 2 says this:  "But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."  this season is about the news of great joy.  and I want that joy to be in every part of my being.

oh, and I can't leave you without THIS:  {my fave! and I *heart* lauryn hill, even if this is old, old school!!  if anything, the clothes alone will make you smile...}

five minute friday: wonder

I'm exhausted and I should be in bed, but I'm going to try my hand at writing tonight regardless of how I feel.  If you want to join the party, hit the badge on the right hand side of my page.  okay so don't really hit your computer.  you'll just hurt something.  clicking works though...

go.

walking on christmas eve, in freshly fallen snow.  past a church.  music wafting it's way out.  

silent night, holy night.

holding a new born baby.  nine years since the first and I still get "that feeling" when I remember holding him.  smelling him.  touching his wee hand. 

all is calm, all is bright.

little voices singing in unison and sounding so sweet and awful at the same time.  

holy infant, so tender and mild.

boys sleeping.  hands flailing.  hushed breath.

sleep in heavenly peace.

alone, with a piano.  closed door.  it's just me and the song in my heart.  

all is calm, all is bright.

silent night

holy night

all is calm

'round yon virgin

mother and child

holy infant

so tender and mild

sleep in heavenly peace

sleep in heavenly peace

wonder.  god in flesh.

holy night.

stop.

yellow light

so I grew up in church.  and when I say I grew up in church, I don't mean that we went to church every sunday.  no, the church raised me.  saturday night.  sunday morning.  wednesday night bible study.  friday night youth group.  pre-service prayer.  post-service coffee.  oh, and school.  monday-friday.  yep.  many of my misconceptions about church and God come out of this "full exposure" as a child.  and many of the spiritual practices that define the church were so pounded into me that I just disconnected.  too much forced prayer and too much forced bible reading and memorizing gives those practices a bad taste in my mouth.  literally.

and then there is tithing.  I have heard about 50 too many sermons on tithing.  my favourite was the impetus for leaving a church in my early 20s {the pastor preached that ananias and sepphira in the book of acts were killed because they didn't tithe.  pack your bags kids, we're going on an epic guilt trip.}.  and that is the sum of my tithing "preaching at you" experience.  guilt.

as a result, I hate tithing.  I give when I have a few extra dollars.  I had one year that I think I tithed 8 months out of 12.  I give to a couple of international organizations.  but really, I don't tithe.  or didn't.

over the last little while I've come to see my lack of tithing in a different light.  see, I've always justified my money decisions.  "I give of my time" or "I give when I can" has become the mantra of my adulthood.  it's true.  I am generous with my time.  I am generous with my stuff.  I am generous with my gifts.  but I'm not generous with my money.  and for a long time my excuse has been that I don't have enough money to make ends meet, let alone give.  when faced with the choice to feed my children or tithe the magic 10%, I choose feeding the kids.  and starbucks for myself.  and a cell phone bill that supports my data addiction.  oh, and that new pair of shoes.

so this my revelation on all of this:  there is a God and it's not me*.  that's right.  I believe that I know best for my life.  I don't trust God or myself.  and I'm not just talking about faith, I'm saying that it's taken me many, many years to figure out that God, the creator of this universe, has my back.  I grew up believing in God the judge; not in God the lover of my soul.  and the result of living this way has been a life of chaos at best.  my soul is in hiding.  I am in a huge financial mess.  my relationships are strained.  I don't trust myself or anyone else.  in the depth of my being, I believe I know best for my life.  I am God.  but I'm not.  there is a God and it's not me.  I suck at being in control.

here's the connection.  if I am not God, then He must be who He says He is.  and apparently, I'm suppose to trust him.  I'm learning this.  it also means that everything I have belongs to Him.  and in the same way that I want my boys to have every opportunity and all of their needs met, He wants that for me.  he's just asking me to obey.  it started with me beginning to replace my worries with a grateful heart.  philippians 4 says, "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God." and it goes on to say that peace will guard your heart and mind.  try it.  it's really hard to worry and be grateful at the same time.  and in those moments, God was faithful.  and He continues to be faithful.  and very slowly trust is being restored.

what I discovered through this process is that the biggest cause of worry in my life is money.  the lack of it.  the shame of living as result of poor choices.  the shame of being 40 and not knowing what the heck we're doing.  the shame of feeding my kids lots of pasta because that's all we could afford in september.  but something happened.  when I started to trust God with my worries, money issues became less and less.  I wish I could say that we miraculously won the 50/50 at an eskimo game or some anonymous donor handed me a cheque for $10 000 and all my problems went away, but it didn't happen like that.  it was the small stuff.  it was only having to spend $35 on school supplies because I found a bunch of used and new stuff when I was packing up my classroom last spring.  it was a good friend of ours donating hand-me-down hockey equipment.  it was cheques not going through our bank account until payday when they should have gone through when there was not enough money in the account.  it was being invited for dinner when we had almost no food in the house.  all little things that added up to big things.

then I had an unexpected conversation with some new friends.  about tithing.  and obedience.  and the challenge was left that I needed to be obedient.  the amount of money that comes into our house has not changed, but God has proven Himself to be faithful.  so I decided to get over the whole "it has to be 10% or nothing" extremist attitude and to start with some fiscal obedience and responsibility.  I decided to start with 1%.  every pay day, I give 1%.  that was last month.  this month it's 2%.  it's going to take us 10 months to get us to the 10% mark.  and then, when we get to 10%, I feel so strongly, in every fibre of my being, that we need to go +1% every year.  it's obedience when I choose gratefulness over worry.  it's obedience when I tithe.  it's obedience when I give with a grateful heart.  God will bless each and every percentage I give because of the obedience and ultimately because of my faith.

what I've learned is that it's not mine.  when I horde, it slides through my hands like sand.  I cannot serve two masters.  I'm choosing to serve God not money.  I've learned that God has my back.  tithing is a spiritual practice that I cannot ignore.  it's not about guilt trips.  it's not about shame.  it's not even really about money.  it's about trust.  obedience.  faith.  stepping out on nothing and landing on something.  and for me, 1% more.

*not my original words...totally stolen from THIS guy.

five minute friday: thank you

it's five minute friday...on saturday!  I've been exhausted this week, so staying up late to write seemed a bit daunting.  so you're getting it this morning!  and if you want to play along, hit the badge on the side and get all the deets!!

go

thank you for...

a roof over my head
clothes in my closet
a few bucks in my wallet
some food in my pantry
a song in my head
healthy kids with some smarts in their brains
a job that I adore
people that I work with - they're an amazing team
friends that surround me
parents that love and support me
a husband that works hard and loves his family
wi-fi
a starbucks close by and a card with some money on it
hot coffee
cable tv that's entertaining my kids right now
heat
water
a car that hasn't died even though it really wants to
hockey and soccer - my boys adore their sports and I adore watching their passion
a church community that supports and loves me
a creative soul
being 40
my health
a creator that made me, loves me and pursues me

so much gratitude.  so thankful.

stop

big parade

holy tiredness, batman!

I just spent two full days doing PD {professional development for all you non-teacher types!}.  it was all really good work, but my brain hurts!  and my tummy.  sheesh.

it's time for some changes over here, boys and girls.  I was doing really good with taking gluten out of my diet, but then laziness snuck in alongside busyness and now I'm feeling icky again.  really, really icky.  and I'm up two pounds which puts me higher than comfortable for my clothes.  so, the next three days {there are only three more teaching days left in my week!} are going to be focused on drinking a lot of water, getting a lot of rest and making some better eating choices.  then, this weekend, I'll make some plans and do some baking.  my energy level is so low right now and I know it's because of what I feed my body with.  junk in + no rest = tired and grumpy.

I am really thankful that tomorrow is a new day.  and on that note, it sounds like there's a fight happening upstairs that needs some intervention.

I'll keep you posted...

five minute friday: stay

it's friday somewhere, right?

gonna try something new tonight.  a bit of a writing challenge.  yippie!!!  go HERE to get all the deets and join, if you want!  {I'll also put the badge over to the right when I get a moment!}

so the topic is STAY

go.

I've tried to run away from home.  more than once.  and not when I was a kid...no, as a full-blown adult.  I had a plan.  I had a motive, means and opportunity.  I was packed and ready to run.  and maybe part of my heart did run away, but physically I stayed.  I wish all of me had stayed, in hindsight. I'm still chasing down that piece of me that left on that cold, lonely night.

we give our hearts away so readily when all we're do is to stay.  to be still.  to be quiet.  to listen.  to watch.

I talk too much.  I give too much.  I share too much.

stay.  be still.

being alone and being lonely.  these often drive me into motion.

a restless, discontented heart.  disquieted by the status quo, yet asked to stay.  to be still.  to listen.  I am the kite flowing in the wind, just begging for someone to ground me.  to hold on.  to keep me close.  to envelope my heart and soul.  to stay with me.  to be with me.  to quiet my soul.

I have learned to stay.  and I am learning that a wild soul knows how to find rest in a world that is restless.

stop.

reminders

I do try to blog at least once a week.  this week has been a touch on the crazy side.  okay, what week isn't?  my life right now:  school. soccer. hockey.  repeat.  it's all good, just not a lot of down time unless I don't come home!  ha!  for real.  today I just hung out at school and finished my report cards.  and then had coffee with jill.  I love jill.  regardless, sometimes I just have to take advantage of the opportunity to step away from the chaos.  let's be honest.  it will always be there.

this is what I've been up to...

{stole John's batman t-shirt and wore it to all the sporting events on saturday}

{I'm cursing the roads, but the sun on the snow was really, really beautiful on saturday}

{sometimes playing the piano at church is really where I get into that sweet spot.  like it's not about me. and I am just the lucky girl who gets to facilitate.}

{remembrance day at next often includes a choir.  okay, well twice now.  but it was lovely.}

{oh, and a "conversation" with clinton kelly...that was pretty cool.}

{I shovelled that.}

{at ground level for one of nate's soccer games this weekend.  love watching him play!}

{coldest arena EVER.  froze my ass off.  grrrr.  oh, and ty almost scored and we lost.  double grrr.}

busy is good.  no time to think and sometimes then I don't have time to over think.  just to be grateful that I have kids that LOVE sports.  grateful that I belong to a community that loves me.  grateful that although we have massive amounts of snow in the second week of november {grrrrrr} that I got around safely with all the driving I had to do this weekend.  grateful for moments of perfection that I couldn't orchestrate if I tried.

the title of the mumford & sons song "reminders" was fitting tonight.

cheers!

slow it down

things that make me happy on a monday:

1.  good music
2.  hang out time with ty
3.  stir fry and rice
4.  chocolate
5.  the chew
6.  watching the civil wars sing billie jean.  FOR REAL.
7.  laughing with my students today
8.  melting snow
9.  dr pepper
10.  seeing how many boxes of books that I need to get rid of...because I started purging the garage!
11.  taking some pause
12.  knowing that some days I need to just remember this: