waiting on a sign

so I read THIS this past week.  and if you read it, feel free to read my somewhat coherent comment that followed.  ha!

but it continues to stick with me.  speak something worth repeating.  be worth echoing.

I know darn well that mandy was writing about creativity and inspiration and creating something new, something echoed, something reflecting.  but yet the words are haunting me.  following me.  swirling around in my very, very cluttered brain.

and maybe because it strikes a chord with me in a way that I hadn't anticipated.  in a place that I don't really like to go looking.  it's that old, dusty place that operates unconsciously.  with habits and thought processes that are decades old, formed by a look.  a misplaced comment.  a slight.  a bit of neglect.  stamped into a self-conscious that was a mouldable piece of soft clay, not yet hardened into the lovely piece of woman-girl-mother-wife that exists today.  but leaving the mark.  that mark.  the mark of unworthiness.

until this moment {oh, and the next as well!}, I have allowed my self worth to be shaped by my past.  I have craved affirmation.  I have sought the approval of others.  I have undone myself to fit a mould.  and I have lost myself along the way.  I have always been curious.  creative.  intuitive.  and yet, with the messages that I learned to believe about myself along the way, I became dulled.  a copy.  afraid.

and although I am not "THERE" yet, I am beginning to feel angry at what I've wasted.  I am saddened by my fear.  and impressed that it's not all dead and gone!  I have made poor, poor choices.  I am a great sinner.  I have {and often continue to!} cursed and sworn and been arrogant, judgemental and proud.  but no longer does that have to define me.  somewhere in all the mess, my life has been saved.  shown grace.  the past redeemed.  recovered.  refound.  and there is a little speck of my soul that is craving something new.  something worth echoing.

and all of this is just swirling in my head.  knowing change needs to be made.  knowing that all the pieces are connected.  knowing that all will be well.  and trusting that this journey, this painful and difficult journey, is one worth taking.

be worth echoing.  live a life worth repeating.  be more than the lies you've been told.  be who you were created to be.  and know that you are not alone.

country clutter

well, for a short work week it was sure long.  five days of work crammed into four isn't good in may.  that said, having a long weekend in may is good.  here in lies the paradox.  and on top of it, it was rainy and cold and grey most of the week.  ty's soccer got canceled on wednesday {it was only a practice} and nate's thursday game was cold and windy.  today, however, was lovely.

nate was up early and he came to weight watchers with me {down 1 this week}; we got home and the two we left there were still sound asleep!  once ty wandered out of bed, I took the boys to the downtown market.  it opened up last weekend, but we were away, so today was our first farmer's market of the season!  I got pasta, hummus, eggs, peppers, tomatoes...all yummy, locally grown/raised foods.  and fresh things inspire me to cook.  so I made a pasta salad with a bunch of the stuff I came home with.  totally delish!

and as the salad was doing its "flavour melding", I went for a walk.  the boys came along on their bikes.  6k and they did pretty good.  this new bike thing was good for them.  ty's old bike was so small that he had to work so hard to get any speed.  this new bike of his is just so much easier!  and he's happier.  which means I'm happier.

{having a hotdog at the market}

so I was feeling a bit discouraged this morning, only being down one pound this week.  my scale at home had me closer to down two pounds.  my scale is almost NEVER right, and I know that, but it's occasionally right which means that it always gives me hope!  grrr.  then I had a revelation {mainly because I wrote a bunch of information down in the front of my ww booklet}.  as of today, I am down twenty pounds from where I was when I started weight watchers in december of 2008.  and yes, I've been here before, but regardless, I am still down twenty.  when I look at it that way, I am pretty pleased with my one pound.  because I will always want one pound to be two and two to be three, but regardless of how long it takes me, I am still down twenty.  and twenty seems like a huge number!!  weight loss is 75% psychological.  at least mine is.  and that 75% often gets the better of me.  but today, I walked 6km in 60 minutes and I beat down that psycho {ha!} part of me!!

feel love

{boys with new birthday bikes}

 {no more knees hitting the handle bars}

 {a big bike for a growing boy!}

 {but posing with the stanley cup may just be the highlight of ty's day!!}

{hockey lovers through and through...}

ty turns six next month and nate will be eight in july.  so grandma and opa bought the boys new bikes and bought them now so they'd have all summer to ride them and enjoy them.  we've always bought used bikes for the kids and these are new and super shiny.  they haven't stopped smiling!

plus, nate learned how to tie laces last night.  my friend yvonne sat down with him for 10 or 15 minutes and showed him and it stuck!  he is so proud of himself.  and I'm proud of him too.  and glad I did have to do the teaching on that one!!

I will not be broken

so I was having a chat with a friend tonight and we were discussing music {we like the same kind, overall} and blog titles.  I always have a good chuckle when I see where my blog visitors are from - and trust me, they come from everywhere.  oh, and these are not blog readers, these are blog visitors.  damn google.  I have good reason to think that it has everything to do with my blog titles.  I hate thinking of titles.  I can't be witty all the time.  I have an old brain that doesn't like to think.  so a couple of years ago I just started using song titles as my blog titles {hence all the random visitors, looking for band/lyric websites!}.  often they mean nothing.  and occasionally they are chosen with intent.  but when you see the sometimes obvious pattern in my blog titles, you will know darn well what album is currently seeing a lot of playtime on my iTunes account.  and perhaps, this is sometimes the most subtle way I know to express emotion without having to spell it out.

when I blog, I am often tired - I usually write at the end of my day {unless it's spring break or summer vacation!} and so I don't always feel like my content is of value to anyone but myself.  I write for me.  I write because when I speak, I solve problems.  I dig deeper.  I evaluate my motives.  I break down my intentions.  I make changes.  I commit to change.  I become who I was meant to be.  but because my audience is usually just myself {no offence, all you lovely readers out there!}, I don't always take the time to be deep and meaningful.  I sometimes ramble on about the mundane.  the ordinary.  but when you string a week of blog titles together, sometimes you get a glimpse of where I'm really at.  the details behind the "fine" when asked "how are you doing?".

so yes, I am currently all about ben harper as I try to avoid my life - thinking too deeply, holding to my self-imposed commitments, and other serious things that involve decision making - and I just sail on the tides of letting myself plan and dream and live in a place where I can sit on a hill with my friends and see nothing but candles and hear ben harper's voice sing only for me.  avoidance.  it's where I am right now.

good thing tomorrow is a new day.  fresh with no mistakes on it.  with mercies that are new.  'cause this weekend may have beat me up just a bit!!!

spilling faith

well it's been an eventful long weekend - in a good way.  the boys and I took off on thursday night and headed two hours up north to the great metropolis of glendon, alberta.  home of the giant perogy and my friend coralee!  although my kids are city kids through and through, I do try to school them in all things rural on occasion.  heading out to the country is what I can do to help my kids not to be scared of bugs, dirt, tractors and wildlife!!  it was fun.  and good.  good to be away from my "needing to be cleaned house" and from laundry.  to sit in the hot sun and forget to wear sunscreen.  oh but the bugs.  I am COVERED in mosquito bites.  it actually looks like I have hives on my hands - and maybe I do; I'll be keeping an eye on them!

today we walked almost 9 km, as per our schedule.  I was off by 3.25 km this last week, but once again, I'm pretty impressed that I am hitting the pavement as much as I have been, considering my schedule.  yeah me!  didn't go to weight watchers this weekend, so there's no report in that department, but I just may have had a few "off" days.  it feels good to be back on track today!

how's your weekend been??

rock n' roll is free

okay, so the new ben harper album came down the pipes today.  sigh.  being on the hill last summer, watching him perform was totally in my top three concert experiences.  I have my brother to thank for my love of ben harper.  and this album makes me happy!

"...I don't even know myself, what it would take to know myself, I need to change, I don't know how, don't give up on me now" {don't give up on me now ~ ben harper}

so we walked 7km {that's 4.4 miles, mandy!!} yesterday.  face first into the wind for half of the loop.  brutal.  I had seriously told myself that I wouldn't complain about the weather once spring showed up and the sun started sharing the heat, but this wind and the hordes of swarming mosquitos is beginning to irritate me.  it's been an awful weather year.  we lived through 6 months of snow - big snow.  and now this.  I get tired of it.

and the no-sugar thing has been going fairly well.  I had a small piece of chocolate today - the 75% cocoa kind.  and I had two smoothies.  my morning smoothy of berries, greek yogurt, blueberry juice and protein powder is a standard right now, but this afternoon I got home from school and was so hungry, so I made myself a spinach-blueberry-coconut milk-pineapple smoothy.  it's a nasty colour {green+blue+yellow = icky!}, but it tastes really nice.  I need to buy some more pineapple...  I made ty a mango-orange creamsicle one tonight - I used coconut milk with regular milk - and he really liked it.  nate got his standard "funky monkey" - banana+chocolate milk!  my blender gets abused and beaten up with all the stuff I expect it to blend!!  needless to say, not limiting my "sugar-from-fruit" has really helped me make the transition to a cleaner and healthier eater.  some day I may limit my fruit, but for now, it's a way healthier choice than what I was making before.  and then there is my new love:  toast with apple butter.  I bought the organic stuff with nothing added and I tell ya, it's a great treat when I need a little something sweet.

I am not saying, by any means, that I have this thing mastered, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am in control of what I eat and not food being in control of me.  a step in the right direction...

graveyard shift

downloaded the new sam roberts cd today.  I've listened to three songs and I liked all three.  this is a good sign!  I have a couple of friends who are HUGE sam roberts fans and although I like his stuff, I've never put him in the same category as my brandon flowers or the killers.  well this album may be turning me a bit.  and maybe, just maybe, he'll headline at folk fest this year.  that would be AMAZING.  oohhh, but mumford and sons would be cool too.  okay, well you get my drift.

so I completed 19 out of 21 of my required kms this week.  two short ain't bad for a first week back at it and a week of super wind.  and I was down 0.2 on the scale today.  yeah me.  sheesh.  I am only going to see the positive in this one and that's that I was down.  period.

nate rode his bike while I walked today - it was kinda fun trying to keep up with him.  I'd do that again!

 {he rode a head of me the whole time}

 {had to stop by the lake to look at the geese - that's what those are, right??}

{I took these from on top of the hill, just hoping they didn't charge for the boy!!}

good times in the 'hood!

these words

I eluded to this a bit {the day before} yesterday, but I think I need to get my thoughts on this topic out of my head and onto a place where I can process them and see them.  goal setting.

I suck at making goals.  how do I know this?  well, I don't often complete my goals.  as far as I can see, it has more to do with my creation of a good or smart goal than anything else.  and really, it's not that I suck at writing up a good goal - I do this professionally all the time.  it's part of what I do for my kids on a term to term basis.  in fact, I write two goals, each with three objectives, for each of my students.  then I monitor their progress.  so why can't I do this on a personal level?  yeah.  good question.  so this is what I've been exploring the last few days.  I want to lose weight.  I want to walk a half marathon.  I want to pay off a credit card.  I want.  I want.  I want.  but I never really make a plan, and definitely never talk about the plan.  I have become who I've been told I am.   but oddly enough, it's not really who I am.

so at almost 39 years old, I am going to actively work to change this.  and strangely enough, this half marathon + no sugar dealy thing are the two things that are going to change a few things.  I am tired.  tired of giving up on myself.  and as I tell my kids at school, I am the only person with the power to change my behaviour, even if it's 30+ years of bad-habit-bad-self-talk behaviour.  what does have to do with goal setting?  for me, everything.  it's time to set some good/smart goals.  and it's time to just decide that all my energy is going towards achieving them.

the goal:
1.  it is 8 weeks until my birthday.  I want to be down 10 pounds by my birthday.  that is a little over a pound a week.  and down 10 from where I am now puts me over my elusive psychological hump.  the number on the scale that I don't EVER recall seeing in my adult life.

the plan:
a)  follow my walking schedule like it's no ones business.  do my long walks with my mom & sister and do my short walks {unless the weather is awful} so that I get my kms on my shoes.  on the days when john is working nights, I will do my workout dvd - it's not walking, but it's exercise.

b)  continue eating clean, following weight watchers and eating little to no sugar.  this past week I've had very little sugar and the sugar I did have was either accidental or natural {honey, agave, etc}.  when I keep this up at about the 90-95% level, my belly feels MUCH better and I have more energy.  I have not been so regimental about my carbs this time around, but I am being conscious of them and it's helping my bloaty-belly-icky-gassy-gross thing that apparently I've been living with WAY too long and only realized how awful that was when it was gone.  I don't want that back.  {and here in lies a big part of my motivation with this eating style...life's too short to feel this icky all the time}  part of this is also cutting back my alcohol intake.  one glass of wine is good enough.  john and I don't need to finish the bottle.

the goal:
2.  it is 14 weeks until the half marathon.  I want to be down 25 pounds by then.  and I want to do it in 3 hours {the half, not the losing weight!!}

the plan:
a)  follow the walking schedule religiously {same as above!}
b)  continue with eating clean {same as above!}
c)  reward myself with a really cute lululemon hoodie that I saw today.

bottom line is:  if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  clean eating, cutting out booze, walking half marathons - these all take a lot of hard work and planning.  so I guess I'll be showing up at the party with my salad or quinoa and perhaps I'll have a bit less margarita.  and that's okay.  for once, I'm realizing that I'm worth it.  and that I can do this.

unwritten

let's start with some pictures...

{ty & john}

so the dr's office called and ty has strep throat.  he's been so out of sorts this week - super angry and super clingy.  well I guess I was kinda hyper-emotional too the week I was sick.  last night he was in bed on time {for him!} and then in our bed at around 1230.  this time I moved.  well this morning, this is the sight I walked into:  sound asleep, ty holding on to john's arm for dear life.  LOVE.

{hitting the pavement}

so you know how I said that I was going to do a half marathon this summer with my mom and my sister?  well, the training has begun!  I walked a total of 7.6 km on sunday, 4.5 km last night and  3.2 km tonight.  that is 15.4 km this week.  I need to complete 5.6 more to get my week's goal done.  new shoes and an iPod make all the difference.  the view of the sunset last night wasn't so bad either!

{the sunset}

I have HUGE motivational issues when it comes to training.  I hate training.  in the past I've solely relied on my mom and sister to be the driving force of my motivation.  we plan our weekend long walks together and they sorta keep my ass going.  well this time I am going to be my own motivation.  or I'm going to try to be.  the half marathon is 15 weeks away and there are some weight and health goals that I really want to accomplish by then.  I know that my motivation will wain, but until it does, I am going to follow the walking plan and get my kms in, come hell or high water {or shift work!}.

{nate in goal for his first shift of the night.  no action!}

I realized that I've posted some pictures of ty playing soccer - this one is of nate from tuesday night.  he played a good game!

{ty sat on my lap for most of it!}

the stand

sigh.  I am not a hugh mother's day person.  that said, I'll take any excuse for some time off {as in my last post!}.  but I am a fan of my mother.  although not perfect, she's pretty damn cool.  a decent human being and a wonderful role model.  any sort of parenting that I do with any skill is because of the great job my mom did.  and she's not all super mushy and huggy, but she demanded independence, cultivated creativity, and we NEVER lipped her off.  maybe the biggest thing I remember growing up was that our house was always open - to their friends, people in need and neglected children; but also always open to our friends.  there were always kids at our house - playing, sleeping over, building forts, hanging out...you name it.  and in the midst of all the chaos, I learned how to cook for a crowd, how to be happy for a dishwasher {trust me.  doing dishes for 8 is NOT happy}, how to do my own laundry and how to care for others --- all because of my mom.  although growing up I often felt like I had to fight for time and attention, she is the person I call almost daily to chat with about my day.  she asks me how I did at weight watchers.  she gives me running shoes and tells me that I am walking another half with her and my sister.  and knows that I need that push.  so I may not love the celebration of being a mom {I often feel so inadequate}, I am certainly okay with celebrating MY mom.

so you may be asking, what did my lovely children give me for mother's day?  well, the kids did this clay thing at school and they each made me something special:

 {a toucan from nate - a lovely shade of gold, if you didn't see that!}

{an underwater themed picture frame and a little bag from ty}

and I know that a lot of people treasure these elementary crafts and keep them on display for years to come, and perhaps store them in a special box for memories and such.  not me.  they get ONE month in my house.  then they will find a nice spot elsewhere.  forever.  apparently I am more like my mom than I realize.

strange cup of tea

since I promised pictures {most of these match my last post!}

 {breakfast at timmys in the mall - the boys sat and watched skating}

{the pixies concert last sunday night} 

 {someone is SUPER excited about his first game!}

 {and he's kinda liking his practice on wednesday night too!}

it's just too bad that he's been sick ever since.  he ran a fever off and on for over 24 hours paired with a sore throat.  he stayed home with john on thursday {john's on nights right now!} and I stayed home today and took him to the doctor.  same gig as me, I think.  just a cold.  poor kid.  it didn't stop me from shipping him {and nate} off to grandma's house tonight.  john is in the middle of his nights rotation and both of us, due to the sick boy, are running on no sleep.  so off to grandma's they went!

and so I've decided that the gift of an empty house for 20 hours is the best mother's day gift ever.

{so this is my evening.  an excellent bottle of wine.  in a new tumbler.}

what are you up to tonight?

I'm just a kid

well, I've survived the massive cold of spring 2011.  it's been a rough 10 days or so of cold movement through my chest, throat and nose and it has now created a permanent {it feels like} home in my sinuses.  blah.  I'll do a wee re-cap on my week:

1.  thursday last week:  yeah.  I have no recollection of this day at all.  I "taught" all day and then came home and slept.  I think.

2.  friday last week:  we had a pd day at school.  and for once, it was good and productive and generally happy!  I was exhausted by the end of it - mentally and physically.  the boys and I went for supper with my sister.  that was nice...

3.  saturday:  john was still on days; the boys and I did a bunch of running around in the morning.  weight watchers for a weigh in {down 3 lbs...yippie!!}.  the mall for some breakfast and birthday present shopping.  then ty had a birthday party to attend.  then nate did {his was a sleep over, so I was down to one kid over night!}.  then I picked ty up and he went to a friends house for a bit while I had coffee with a friend.  it was nice and low key!

4.  sunday:  ty and I were at church EARLY!  I was on media, so he just hung out with me behind the computers.  then we went and bought some groceries and grabbed some lunch.  hanging out with ty is fun.  I like that kid.  then we went and picked up nate and RACED home so that katrina could pick me up for the pixies concert!  now THAT was a good time!  it was super loud and super awesome.  I like that.  I didn't get home until 1130 that night - way too late for a sick girl.  sigh.

5.  monday:  TIRED!  shocking.  and we started soccer on monday night.  ty plays on mondays and wednesdays.  nate plays tuesday-thursdays.  I love watching the boys play, especially when the sun is shining and it's lovely outside.  monday was LOVELY.  'cause after soccer I came home, poured a glass of wine and watched election results.  loved that!

6.  today:  cold.  rain.  grey.  soccer wasn't so fun tonight.  holy wind, batman.  I came home and took a long shower just to warm up and steam out my sinuses.

yeah.  and now we're dealing with over-tired kids.  and I wasn't able to participate in the sugar challenge that I was planning to do before I got sick.  I just had no motivation.  so I am going to start up again tomorrow.  I tried today but hit a little glitch at about 3:45.  it was called the coconut mocha frappuccino. and I didn't really like it.  {okay, I liked it just a wee bit!}

so how was your week??  I throw some pictures in here soon.  too hard to do while fighting with small children...

fix you

so the doctor's office never called.  which means pneumonia is unlikely.  considering that it's move up into my sinuses, that makes sense.  not too sure if I don't like breathing because my it feels like someone is sitting on my chest or if I don't like breathing because my nose is plugged.  both suck.  I'm in sucky-sick mode.  blah.  so, some wednesday cheer:

 {the natester got a shining star at school today...}

{for excellence in his writing}

I'll let you know that I think all the kids in his class got this, but hey.  I'll brag on the one I own!  kid number two has been educating me on "sm".  he says that there was a lady in the library that was telling them about "sm" and about how your brain sends fast messages to your nerves.  so I started asking.  "what's sm?"  okay, the kid really tried to get something out.  none of which made any sense.  then I had an "a-ha" moment.  he's talking about "ms" - multiple sclerosis.  he's a lefty and often makes reversals!  and what five year old can remember how to say multiple sclerosis?  not mine.  but hey, he tried really hard!  and although he's sad tonight that his favourite hockey player, pk subban, is not moving forward in the playoffs, I'm glad he could educate me about the nervous system!

42

so I managed a half day of school today.  and that was just barely.  I seriously feel like I've had the wind kicked out of me.  so I saw my doctor - she swabbed my throat for strep and sent me for a chest x-ray to see if I have pneumonia.  apparently there was a crackle in my right lung.  I should know tomorrow.  meanwhile, I'm spending my night writing sub plans.  there is no way I can teach like this.  no voice.  no air.  no energy.  sigh.

however, my sweet nate made a card for me last night that just made me smile!

{such a pretty dress I'm wearing.  and I love that he drew my necklace - the one that has all of our names on it!  oh, and my hair.  love that too!}

he lost his fifth tooth in the middle of the night last night.  woke me up at 2 am to tell me.  it was already under his pillow waiting for the tooth fairy.  good times.  alas.  I need to sleep.  I just don't know if I'll be able to.  fun, fun times!

lost?

yes, it's british bands/song titles for blog titles this week in honour of the royal wedding!  and what can I say?  I'm in a coldplay mood!

and yes, this is my second post of the day.  I just wanted to show you the cards we made for club tonight.  I had such a good time, and it was a good distraction from feeling so sick.  that and the lovely alyssa came along with susan which was a nice treat too!!

 {one for mother's day}

{and one for father's day...even though this actual one says thank you!}

oh, and all products to make these lovely creatures are from stampin' up!

violet hill

nothing like the sore throat from hell to wreck a long weekend.  out of the blue, with no warning, it hit on saturday night.  and it was a solitary sore throat.  well, after barely sleeping on saturday night, sunday morning - the day in which I was suppose to start enjoying booze again...I mean the day that we are suppose to celebrate the resurrection of our saviour - was AWFUL.  I don't remember much of church {three extra strength cold f/x, some b12 plus advil cold and sinus makes for a foggy brain}, and dinner didn't taste completely right {thank goodness for take-home containers!}.  plus, chocolate doesn't taste quite as good since my round 1 of a lovely sugar challenge.  sigh.  I had one glass of wine with dinner.  a coveted bottle of layer cake {the shiraz} just wasn't as good as it was at christmas either.  nothing was good yesterday.  we walked in the house and I took some more meds and went straight to bed.  easter sunday sucked.

this morning, although it hasn't been a ton better, has been better.  we haven't had to leave the house.  I haven't had to shower yet {okay, but I totally need to because I STINK!}.  the kids are watching movies.  and I've been able to enjoy a pot of coffee with my mini bottle of baileys.  this cold has migrated from my throat into my sinuses and chest, but the whole "throat on fire" thing is gone.

so tomorrow I start my round two of a sugar challenge {I wasn't around for their round one so for me this is round two, not three!}.  I do make some modifications though.  last time, I cut almost all non-fruit and non-veggie carbs from my diet for two weeks.  I had some grains with dinner, but other than that, I stayed away from grain-based carbs for two weeks.  as a result of this decision, I did not limit my fruit intake, as they are doing in this challenge.  when all was said and done, I saw losses on the scale both weeks, even with this last week having some major hiccups {accidentally/on purpose sugar OD on thursday and ate out a TON on friday}.  because I'm so sick-ish today {and needed to get that mini of baileys out of my system...I've been looking at it for 7 weeks!!}, I am starting tomorrow.  and I am going to keep to my same modifications, only I am going to try having some grain-based carbs with lunch and do more of a salad with protein for dinner.  I just found it hard with school, to pack a salad every day.  not impossible, just difficult.  I'll try this for a bit and see if it makes a difference.  and yes, this means no booze for two more weeks.  I didn't do so bad for lent, so I can do two more weeks, right?  and I suppose if I just HAD to have a glass of wine, I could do one glass.  {yeah, like that ever happens!}  if this is a new lifestyle choice for me I will need to get real about where alcohol fits into it.

I have discovered, over this season of lent, that I can say no.  I can stick to my guns.  I can put up with the jokes and the ribbing from my colleagues.  I can follow through on my word.  I can live in moderation.  I am not a quitter.  I read something interesting this morning that just got me thinking:

"I am unfaithful.  I love the Avett Brothers' line "I like to think that I'm a faithful man but it may not be true" because that's me, always teetering.  I want to be one of the people who gets to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant" when I am finally face to face with God, but I kind of get the feeling it'll be more like, "Wow, you sure effed up a lot.  Good thing I gotcha covered."" {got this from Tamara Out Loud}.

and it's true.  I may have done the no-booze thing over lent, but that's about all I did.  I bailed on the rest of my lent commitments.  it's a good thing that perhaps that is the whole point.  it's in the failing that I recognize His strength.  it's in my inadequacies that I recognize His grace.  and it's in my unfaithfulness that I see that He is always faithful.

strawberry swing

my long weekend {or maybe just the last week!} in pictures... {so far!}

 {lazing in bed on wednesday morning...well before the long weekend, but still how we do business here!!}

 {the berry smoothie; the boys and I make these for snack almost every night.  this one required a TI pirate cup!}

 {the painting that we all contributed to at church on friday morning}

 {voting at the advance polls on friday...only two out of four names were familiar on that ballot.  no signs, no pamphlets, no nothing on the bottom two.  just wrong.}

 {going for coffee, alone, after church, voting, buying groceries...the lovely doppio espresso con panna!}

 {getting the dye ready for the boys}

 {eggs were boiled and everything lined up}

 {yes, I bought a kit.  just be impressed that I didn't do it on sunday morning before church...'cause you know that has happened in the past!!}

{eggs the kids came home with this week}

{and these are our final products!}

I'll do a more in depth post later this weekend...

have a blessed easter. 

I bruise easily

day 8.  no headaches any more.  but I am fighting the psychological need I have for junk.  I have some "clean" sweets that I pull out in case of an emergency, but those are for emergencies only.  and the sugar in them is all natural.  so this week, my goal is to continue with no sugar {natural/clean, fake, natural-ish/unclean} no carbs until dinner {except fruits and veg} and to continue tracking everything I eat.  I survived today which means I can do this again tomorrow.  and be successful.  it took me many years to put weight on, it's not going to come off over night {I WISH!}; however, I feel like I am finally setting myself up for success.

okay.  I'm typing and falling asleep at the same time.  the kids went to bed early-ish {and without fighting, I may add!!} so I need to take advantage of the quiet house and attempt to get 7+ hours of sleep tonight...

xoxo

showtime

so my friend did a bit of a blog review/fave posts thing on her blog this weekend.  and she was kind enough to post my blog {thanks, suz!}.  I would reciprocate, since I think she's a great writer, brutally honest and super funny; however, she keeps all of her loveliness under lock and key!  some day soon, I'll get her to guest post something...!

okay, fave blog post #1:  my newest love, the gracious pantry.  and this post is what I am going to try to make for breakfast some point this week!

the gracious pantry

this site is a fantastic resource for recipes and meal ideas and they've all been modified so that they're clean and healthy!  PLUS, she puts all the nutritional information after the recipes, which is great for calculation points!

fave blog post #2:  this blog post popped up today.  and as are all of serena's posts, this one was timely on so many levels.  I quote her all the time and her perspective/thoughts/theology on grace have continued to renew my soul and it keeps me searching and looking for more in my relationship with God.

grace is for sinners

and this post, this morning, well go and read it for yourself.  I need to read it again.

fave blog post #3:  this one is not just one post.  I don't have a favourite post, it's just one of my favourite blogs.  it's a place that invites comments and conversation.  and I like that.  mandy is super authentic and I think I posted once {in her comments!} that I think she's a person I could be friends with in real life.

mandythompson.com

fave blog post #4:  and this one is not just one post either.  as a writer and storyteller {dude, that's what teaching social studies makes me!}, this blog excited me when it got started.  it features daily stories from some amazing bloggers and storytellers, with a focus on faith and controversy, it's totally up my alley!

a deeper story

go check out some of the stories - they rock! and they'll get you thinking.

okay - that's all I have for today {because trust me, I have lots more that I visit daily...you can check out the links on my side bar!} - what are your faves?

billy brown

well yesterday was ROUGH.  super rough.  I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep.  how do I know?  I wake up with the worst headache ever.  yesterday I woke up with one of these and the meds I took were not even enough to make a small dent in it.  BRUTAL.  and it was not a pretty/easy/lovely day at school either.  {of course!}  needless to say, sleep is what usually gets rid of the monster, so I was in bed by 9.  and now up at 730!  sugar/carbs wise, it was a pretty good day.  since I was feeling so awful, I had a mid afternoon meal/snack of some cheese, an egg, apple and a small pita with peanut butter.  it didn't get rid of my headache, but I wasn't hungry again until about 7!  needless to say, it was an off day.  but I held the course with my eating.

and then I went to weight watchers this morning.  and I have to put everything in perspective.  I'll explain:  last week I didn't go.  I worked that casino last weekend, had been in the throws of the pms from hell, and had totally crashed/failed/feeling like a failure on that sugar challenge.  so last saturday, I stayed in bed.  I got on the scale the next day and I was up two pounds.  when I went this week, I was down 1.2 from two weeks ago {which in my head sounds like all my work was for nothing!!} when really, I was down 3 from  last sunday.  does that make any sense?  add in there that apparently my scale has a 1 pound difference in the WRONG direction...!!  yeah, it was hard not to be discouraged about this weeks progress.  remembering what the scale said last weekend helps.

okay.  and let's talk about something super important:  butternut squash.  why have I never eaten this before?  no seriously.  I love the stuff.  gonna go to costco this afternoon to get some more {it's impossible to find in this city as a whole squash...grrr}.

{and yes, I pay every week to get the stickers!!}

I do have deeper, more interesting things to write about but they're buried deep in the back of my head.  I'll gather my thoughts and get back to you!!  off to go pack a suitcase for the wee ones.  they are having a sleep over at grandma's tonight!  yippie!!

in repair

just a heads up, this is a "yeah me" post.  so if you can't respond with a "you go girl", then stop reading.  I only want to hear the positives!!

1.  no headache today.
2.  there was a potluck at school today and I still brought my own lunch.  and I ate it.  in the same room as everyone else.  and I survived.
3.  I had two of my little chocolates to make me feel better about not eating the tub of cool whip that was sitting out for the potluck.  yes, I am still an emotional eater.
4.  I didn't really want the potluck food.  I really wanted my salad.  {so odd}
5.  other than that wee bit of chocolate, every other carb I ate today was a complex carb and most of it came from fruits and veggies.
6.  I made butternut squash for the first time ever, but then I was scared to eat it.  after trying it, I'm confused why I'm 38 and eating this treat for the first time ever.
7.  and I did 12 push ups and a half plank for no good reason.  SO ODD!

I am going to go out on a limb and say that I made it through detox.  PHEW!  now only ten more days to go!  two weeks of no sugar isn't easy by any means.  but I am having an easier time by really cutting out all simple carbs and relying on fruits and veggies for my complex carbs.  it's not a permanent diet change, there are totally healthy grains out there that are good and clean, but for now, it seems that cutting back on grains is helping me detox out of my sugar addiction.  plus.  I had a blueberry-kiwi protein smoothie for breakfast today that was so super good.  who knew I would need to find a place for my blender out on my counter?  now I just need to get to sleep earlier...

bridge over troubled water

yes, I'm watching american idol.  I can handle this show at this stage of the game.  no mom's are lying to their kids about being good singers when they are obviously tone deaf.  they all kick butt by the time the final ten hit.  I can even stomach j-lo and steven tyler.  but will.i.am has been on a ton.  and I kinda like him.

okay.  so day three {because you're dying to know!!} and no chocolate required.  I had a short headache at around 5pm and it was short lived.  I was hungry.  and it had been a long afternoon {I was in the office.  it was l-o-n-g}.  needless to say, I avoided the chocolate chip cookies on connie's counter and made it home without a feeding frenzy.  I made chicken quesadilla's with low fat mozza, lots of veg and some of my favourite paul newman tequila lime salsa!  I use these uber healthy-super-high-fiber tortillas, load them up and throw them in the oven.  super easy and yummy.  it was all good.  then I did something even braver.  I went and bought some groceries.  the chocolate easter eggs were calling my name.  and I didn't listen.  yeah me!

and on a totally different note, I was going to tell you about a book I read last weekend:

it had been handed to me by a lady at school with a "you'd really like this",  okay.  then as I was walking down the hall with it in hand, another friend stopped me and told me how she had read it in one weekend and how much she loved it and how she just knew I'd love it too.  such enthusiasm!  mind you, these are people I trade books with all the time, so I do trust them.  and shockingly, they were right.  this book totally caught me off guard.  and in the first couple of pages I had it figured out.  but it had hooked me with it's narration.  it's told from the perspective of a five year old boy.  and it's hard for me to tell you much without giving it all away, but just the point of view that the author uses is enough to grab anyone. and partly because of the suspense.  and as a reader, you fall in love with jack right away.  and you never want anything to happen to him.  but on the flip side, something awful happened long before he was born that shapes his entire existence.  so I picked it up on saturday afternoon in the bath and didn't go to sleep until I was done.  it's not by any means a difficult book to read {which makes it a quick read} but it's a difficult book to get through because of the content.  all that to say this:  if you can get your hands on a copy, it's totally worth reading!  and when you're done reading it, LET'S TALK!

ordinary day

and today was better than yesterday.  less headachy.  nothing until 4pm.  had to skip yoga at school today because my sister picked up the boys and ty had a complete meltdown.  just wouldn't stop.  he wasn't being bad, just really sad.  this is where the lack of communication is rough.  so I had her meet me at home and I came home early.  at that was it.  he was sad.  something is up with my kid.  sheesh.

anyways, I had two small pieces of 75% cocoa chocolate after lunch today.  and three chocolate covered coffee beans {and these aren't the awful, cheap, nasty ones...they're the really good dark chocolate ones}.  that was my only non-fruit based sugar intake on the day.  for dinner I had some non-fruit carbs.  I made a lovely 6 point pita pizza - loaded with spinach, peppers, canadian bacon and some low-fat mozza.  it was the best thing I've made for supper in a long time.  I proceeded to make a similar {kid friendly...ham & cheese only!} for the kids.  they didn't love the whole wheat pita bit, but too bad, so sad!  I kinda had a revelation today though...the less sugar {of the unnatural or added version} I eat, the more clean my eating is.  a lot more veg.  a lot more fruit.  smoothies with greek yogurt and blueberries.  yum.  and better yet, the less sugar I eat, the less points I'm eating.  I know.  this shouldn't be rocket science.  and it's not.  but it is tough.  and two days are done.  twelve more to go.  for the first time, I kinda believe it.  because all things considered, I feel kinda good.  I wasn't as tired this morning.  and if I can finish writing this and get some sleep, the same may be said about tomorrow too, I hope!!

found a quote yesterday:

{your past never defines your future}

which means that today's success or failure isn't going to define my day tomorrow.  in the words of miss shirley {of anne of green gables fame}, "tomorrow is fresh with no mistakes in it".  I'm going to embrace that.

things go round

it's been a day.  and I like mondays.  usually!  I was pretty good with the no sugar bit today.  mainly because I gave it a fair go.  and I planned in advance.  that always helps.  however, I was not counting on the MASSIVE headache I would get at around 1230.  yeah.  that lasted in some form until nearly 6pm.  grrr.  I caved at one point and ate 5 chocolate covered espresso beans.  other than that, all my sugar came from fruit sources.  and I didn't eat any carbs until dinner.  and then it was two pieces of bread.  and surprisingly, I feel okay this evening.  other than all the tears and yelling that happened in this house after supper tonight.  holy moly.  okay, so my pre-menopausal pms is in HIGH gear.  I haven't had it this bad in quite a long time.  all of last week sucked.  and today, I had an out of body parenting moment from hell.  there was a lot of screaming.  and a lot of hitting {mainly ty taking it out on me}.  and he cried.  and I sobbed.  and now he's cuddling with me.  but I just feel so helpless in parenting this kid.  he truly believes that no one gets to "be the boss of him".  changing his mind on this is becoming increasingly difficult.  usually I can be more detached with his tantrums, but today?  no such luck.  and did my head ache help?  nope.  sigh.

I did stay after school today and participate in a torture/yoga class with some of my colleagues.  headache or not, I made my body do some crazy things.  and I'm doing the same thing tomorrow after school.  moving this ol' body of mine is good, but I hurt!  and yes, I am officially complaining.

regardless, all of that to say this:  getting back on the wagon feels good.  I feel like less of a quitter, because I am now more of a "trying again" kind of girl than a "quitting again" kind.  plus, I feel like I can do this again tomorrow.  and I have all my food packed up.  and I've heard that if I can make it to the end of day three, that the headaches will go away.  I'll keep drinking tons of water.  and although I'm not a gum chewer {yes, I know there's fake sugar in gum...leave me alone about it!!}, gum saved me today.  gum, water and a package of peanut m&m's in my gym bag.  I am determined to have those m&ms still in my bag two weeks from now.

okay, the kidlet is being carried off to bed.  I have some fistful of mercy playing {I heart ben harper!} and I'm going to do some blog hopping.  apparently the whole day doesn't need to be awful just because a solid section in the middle was...WHO KNEW?  lol.

may you be the road

a few of my favourite things:

{crazy rolls from teriyaki corner - a little sushi place just down the block!  crab, avocado, cucumber then tempura-ed.  super yummy!}

{some lovely tulips from save-on...nothing like grocery store flowers to make a day happy!}

{same shot, different finish...}

 {a picture of ty and his little friend from a couple of weeks ago.  I love this one!}

 {a pedicure - my sister gives the best ones and now my feet feel like they're ready for spring...happy, happy sunday!}

{three sleeping boys in bed as I get ready for church this morning}

it was a nice, refreshing weekend.  john was off this weekend, so it allowed for some real downtime.  I slept in on saturday {I had volunteered at a casino on friday night and didn't get home until almost 3am, so a sleep in was in order!}, my friend came over to scrapbook for a while - I made cards, she did some pages in her scrapbook.  it was lovely and needed.  the kids played outside.  they biked and played in the puddles.  and I read an entire book on saturday night {I'll review it this week!}, while having a bath and crawling into bed super early!  then today was such a good sunday.  I played the piano at church, so I had to be there early {not complaining though...}, after church john and I took the boys for sushi.  okay, they had spring rolls, john had a noodle bowl and I had sushi.  then it was home for a bit and off again to my mom's {alone!} for a pedi.  my sister seriously gives the best pedicure.  she is an esthetician by trade, but is upgrading at school right now, so she just sets up in my mom's basement when we're all in need.  it's a good gig.  while she was on lady #2 {my mom's friend - I was #1}, I went for a run-walk-interval workout on the treadmill.  25 minutes of good times.  it had been WAY TOO LONG!  my legs are super sore now, but it felt really good.  I had supper at my mom's, did some grocery shopping and came home. john had fed the kids and had them in the bath when I walked in the house.  it's this that I miss most when he's working on the weekends.  this rest.  this break.  sigh.

so while running today, I had a bit of a talk with myself.  I am going to choose NOT to give up.  so I had a bad sugar week.  who cares.  failure is choosing not to try again.  I am going to get up and try again.  I have packed my lunch/snacks/day for tomorrow and I am going to give it a fair shake.  because I am not a quitter.  and even if I can't do every day, every day that I can do will matter.  I read a bunch of motivational quotes over the weekend and I was reminded that trying and failing and then trying again {and failing a kazillion times more} does not make me a failure.  it makes me human.  and it's time to cut myself some slack.  and just keep trying.

how was your weekend?  did you find some rest?

fools tattoo

sleep issues.  I currently have them.  could be the amount of coffee I had today.  ha!  moral of the story:  don't have a double shot espresso con panna at 830 on a wednesday night.

in re-reading yesterday's post {and spending some time in self-analyzation}, I realized something kinda important.  there is one area of my life that I have full {okay, like 85%} confidence in.  and that's my professional life.  at school, I am a finisher.  a bit of a procrastinator, but highly efficient.  I don't give up on kids, on myself, my colleagues, or general crap that flies my way.  at school, I am relentless.  passionate.  empowered.  I teach difficult kids.  and I'm good at it.  and I love it.  so why doesn't that translate to the rest of my life?  yeah, not too sure.  this is the question I am left asking.  am I the only one that thinks this is really strange?  do all of these really great things about me go away when I walk into my house?  or are there 30 some odd years of some really bad self-talk that habitually takes over when I don't need to be "on"?  not too sure that I need answers right now, but it is something I need to think about.

on another note, totally addicted to a scrabble game on my phone.  words with friend.  the free version.  I suck at scrabble, but am having fun with it.  download it and challenge me to a game - my handle is cori1972 :o)

I beat one random person but am losing to my friend who apparently knows words like qi and surley.  sheesh.  anyways, add me.  I'll play you.

papa was a rolling stone

this has not been my best week.

It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart
{mumford & sons - roll away your stone}
...


these lyrics are kinda how I'm feeling.  like I just muck everything up all the time.  the ol' hormones have kicked in big time this week and my head is haunting me.  I don't have the energy to fight and in not having the energy, my self-destructive tendencies start to kick in.  self-implosion.  okay, so maybe I'm being just slightly dramatic.  or maybe I am just beginning to recognize this before it hits and I'm in the middle of it.  bottom line, I'm my worst enemy.  I don't cut myself slack, because in my head all I do is cut myself too much slack!  and this whole two weeks with no sugar is proof of that.  yeah.  I haven't recovered from the weekend.  at all.  not too sure if I can.  ha!  but on the flip side, I've held down my lent-no-booze-committment without any problem.  so it's not that I give up on everything.  so I shouldn't be so hard on myself, should I?  grrr.  {don't worry...this isn't even really making any sense to me either.  I'm a tired, rambling girl tonight!}

I think it boils down to this:  I have lived my life being called a procrastinator, believing that I had no discipline, being told that I always gave up and took the easy way.  and to this day, I believe them to be true.  so I live up to what I believe.  and I can pull proof out and show you throughout my adult life how I gave up on things, changed my mind, caved, conceeded, waited until the last minute, and avoided hard work.  never do I look at these situations, this proof, and see how no one guided me or mentored me when I didn't understand the path to take or how my childhood/church/upbringing distorted my view and crippled me, forcing me to be so unsure of myself.  I don't look at how I was bullied by a classmate in school.  I don't look at how little I trust people.  I don't look at anyone else and their adult decisions, just how once again I didn't measure up to expectations.  I don't cut myself any slack.  and I don't forgive myself.  I don't even know how.  so here I sit, giving up again.  and beating myself up over it.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
{mumford & sons - awake my soul}

...


so I guess it's time to change the soundtrack of my life.  the tape player in my head that consistently sends me messages that are lies.  grace is for me.  for my life.  for my sin.  for my salvation.  for my relationships.  the welcome I receive at the restart.  sometimes I get it.  this week I know it, but I feel so far away.  which I am learning is when I am closer, more surrounded, more loved than I even know.

okay, I know this is pretty raw honesty here.  but it's my cheap therapy.  sometimes talking {writing!} it out totally helps.  not too sure tonight, but it gets the conversation started.  for me at least.

midnight rocker

okay, so day two sucked.  don't get me wrong, it was a good day, but awful in the sugar department!  what can I say?  4:00 hit and it wasn't happy.  the nutella called my name.  the first tablespoon was lovely.  the second pretty good.  the third was icky sweet.  it's kinda a good thing that sugar is my drug of choice because if it was anything else, it would be awful.  it was awful anyways.  relapses are not good for my soul.  I'm not a "get back on the horse" kind of girl.  I'm a "throw in the towel / failure is eminent" kind of girl.  so it's a big deal that I am going to get back on the horse and start fresh again tomorrow.  I am not going to let this wreck my day.  or week.  because I showed up at weight watchers this morning and was down 0.8...which almost is what I was up last week!  man I suck at this.  maybe it's that my body likes this.  nope, that can't be it.  sigh.

wake up

I did something severe.  last night.  without much thought.  thoughtless and severe.  and good for my health.

back in november I worked hard to cut out fake sugar from my diet.  I quit drinking diet soda, cut out high fructose crap stuff, and had started to walk towards the life of clean eating.  then january happened.  cold, dark, bad meds.  that january.  although I kept the diet soda out of my diet, the junk crept back in.  and the five pounds that settled on my thighs is still there.  that's because I can control a lot of things, but I am totally and unequivocally addicted to sugar.  and although I don't have any real proof, I completely believe that my sugar issues are what is zapping my energy and making it so hard to lose any weight at all.

so, in an effort to shake it up a bit, I've done something drastic.  I've committed to two weeks of sugar-free eating.  a complete cleanse.  I went to find a recipe on one of my favourite recipe sites last night and I saw this challenge.  without giving it too much thought, I committed.  and now I may be freaking out just a bit.  two full weeks.  maybe not thinking stuff like this through too much is a good thing.  I probably would have talked myself out of it!  anyways, I am suspecting that the next 72 hours are going to be rough, but if I can get to monday, it'll be do-able.  I'll keep you posted!