Tuesday, April 05, 2011

papa was a rolling stone

this has not been my best week.

It seems as if all my bridges have been burned,
You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works
It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart
{mumford & sons - roll away your stone}

these lyrics are kinda how I'm feeling.  like I just muck everything up all the time.  the ol' hormones have kicked in big time this week and my head is haunting me.  I don't have the energy to fight and in not having the energy, my self-destructive tendencies start to kick in.  self-implosion.  okay, so maybe I'm being just slightly dramatic.  or maybe I am just beginning to recognize this before it hits and I'm in the middle of it.  bottom line, I'm my worst enemy.  I don't cut myself slack, because in my head all I do is cut myself too much slack!  and this whole two weeks with no sugar is proof of that.  yeah.  I haven't recovered from the weekend.  at all.  not too sure if I can.  ha!  but on the flip side, I've held down my lent-no-booze-committment without any problem.  so it's not that I give up on everything.  so I shouldn't be so hard on myself, should I?  grrr.  {don't worry...this isn't even really making any sense to me either.  I'm a tired, rambling girl tonight!}

I think it boils down to this:  I have lived my life being called a procrastinator, believing that I had no discipline, being told that I always gave up and took the easy way.  and to this day, I believe them to be true.  so I live up to what I believe.  and I can pull proof out and show you throughout my adult life how I gave up on things, changed my mind, caved, conceeded, waited until the last minute, and avoided hard work.  never do I look at these situations, this proof, and see how no one guided me or mentored me when I didn't understand the path to take or how my childhood/church/upbringing distorted my view and crippled me, forcing me to be so unsure of myself.  I don't look at how I was bullied by a classmate in school.  I don't look at how little I trust people.  I don't look at anyone else and their adult decisions, just how once again I didn't measure up to expectations.  I don't cut myself any slack.  and I don't forgive myself.  I don't even know how.  so here I sit, giving up again.  and beating myself up over it.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
{mumford & sons - awake my soul}


so I guess it's time to change the soundtrack of my life.  the tape player in my head that consistently sends me messages that are lies.  grace is for me.  for my life.  for my sin.  for my salvation.  for my relationships.  the welcome I receive at the restart.  sometimes I get it.  this week I know it, but I feel so far away.  which I am learning is when I am closer, more surrounded, more loved than I even know.

okay, I know this is pretty raw honesty here.  but it's my cheap therapy.  sometimes talking {writing!} it out totally helps.  not too sure tonight, but it gets the conversation started.  for me at least.


Mike Hamilton said...

Cori, maybe it's because I've met you IRL (subbing in 2006), but I have reading your blog regularly. From what I know of you from our shared profession and the information you share in your blog, I think you're a fantastic teacher and a caring mom/partner. Keep writing, stay positive and make sure to find time to enjoy life. :)
Mike Hamilton 

(too long for a DM, couldn't find an email address on here and didn't feel like sending it to your work address)

Frances said...

As a person who also feels that I haven't lived up to my potential (who knew you could peek in high school) I totally get the constant battle with the voices inside your head) Our pastor is currently doing a series on grace and it's amazing how all this stuff I know in my head has never made it into my heart as something that is true for me and not just everyone else.

All that being said, anyone who chooses to be a teacher for junior high is amazing (let alone for kids with learning issues) I've seen the passion you have for these kids and learning, so stop beating yourself up. (said the pot to the kettle ;)

haven't seen you with your hubby too much, but i have seen you with your kids and I think you are a great mom.

Let me know if you figure out the secret to all the negative running through your head. I need it too.

cori fraser said...

Mike, thank you for your kind words. and thank you for reading my blog! I consider myself a work in progress and sometimes I use my blog as a forum to expose the journey...lately it's been a bumpy ride!!

and Frances, thank you as well for your kind words. oddly enough, at school is where I tend to feel the most successful. and trust me, when I figure out how to change the negative self talk, I'll sell you the first copy of the book!!!!

Jennifer said...

love your final paragraph. yes, yes, yes. "grace is for me."