Sunday, March 31, 2013

how great thou art

I was asked to contribute to a devotional series based around holy week {you can see all of them here}.  this is what I wrote.

so I've decided that I got the worst day to have to write about:  the grand finale.  the biggest deal in the christian calendar.  the super bowl of christian holidays.  no lead up, no nothing.  just the main event.  easter sunday.

and in preface to writing this, as a systematic rule breaker/bender, I don't like tight guidelines.  so I can guarantee as you read this, it's not going to be a quiet reflection of the memory of a great day in history.  nope.  I'm going to blast this one open in fine style.  the grand finale deserves some good champagne.  and I am going to try to honour that.  okay, well theologically speaking, it's not even really the grand finale.  more like the end of the second act, but y'all know what I mean, right?

I've also chosen not to focus on a specific scripture, but on two words:  grace and restoration.  neither of those words turn up in the verses that describe the resurrection, but they are weaved into the interconnectedness of this most holy week.  and perhaps the person that has always grabbed me the most is peter.  maybe because I am peter.

you all know the story.  peter effed up.  big time.  he betrays christ.  and at this point, even if peter doesn't totally get that Jesus is the Son of God, he's dissed his friend.  big time.  he was a coward and a big mouth.  I am peter.

I really don't know if peter understood that Jesus was God.  perhaps he had an inkling, but I don't think he really knew.  I think he knew in his head but not in his heart.  he had witnessed great miracles.  he had walked with Jesus and heard him teach.  he was in the inner circle.  but I'm not sure he really believed.  that he really trusted.  I think that peter thought it was really over.  he totally stabbed his friend in the back and now that friend was dead.  that is an enormously hopeless place to be.  I would suspect that the days between the crucifixion and the resurrection would have been absolute emotional torment for peter.  all the "what ifs" and the "I should haves".  the desolation in peter's heart.  I am peter.

and then those words: "he's gone".  john 20 says that peter was the first one to the grave after the women came and found him.  the grave was empty.  that little twinge of something in peter's heart.  that bit of hope.  that tiny piece of expectation.  a small reminder of the words Jesus had spoken just days before.  knowing in that moment that restoration could be found.  I am peter.

now go and read john 21.  restoration and grace.  the two things that I believe Jesus died for.  I deserve death.  He took it for me.  and He restores my soul.  I deserve death.  and He gives me the gift of grace.  peter did not deserve the love he received.  yet it was freely given.  restoration and grace.  peter did not deserve his second chance, but grace offered it with a heart wide open.  and in those moments on the beach by the sea of galilee, peter was restored.  forgiven.  redeemed.  loved.  I am peter.

this song has been in my head a lot lately.  it has less to do directly with easter sunday than it does a celebration of restoration.  an anthem of worship in honour of the grace given.

O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed. 

Then sings my soul, 
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, 
How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, 
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, 
How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.
When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur
And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze. 

And when I think of God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin. 

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

may I always be in humble adoration, living a life restored.  a life where "second chance" is my middle name.  a life where grace is offered freely, yet treasured for the price that was paid.  for me, easter sunday is when I proclaim:  "My God, how great Thou art!"

Saturday, March 30, 2013

I don't mind

saturday.  the lost day in the middle of holy week.  super saturday?  sad saturday?  common, it deserves a name too, right?

well, since I am sitting at home in my pjs, drinking coffee and cleaning off my pvr, I am lacking in a whole lot of creative thought this morning.  however, it's been a good spring break.  lots of coffee.  lots of pj days.  lots of tv.  and lots of sleep.  and a hair cut.  and a pedi.  and some shopping.  happy spring!

if you follow me on instagram, you've seen most of these...but they are my week!

{best store ever!  infused olive oils and vinegars.  so much yummy it's ridiculous!}

{denny's brunch with the kids.  their choice.  all sorts of crazy!}

{best whole30 breakfast ever.  
and it's sooooo happy making eggs in the morning and not eating on the go!}

{nate dying eggs}

{I did some crafting this week!}

{love the glitter!}

{ty dying eggs}

{bought myself some tulips from costco.  I thought they were white, turns out they're pink!}

Thursday, March 28, 2013

the river

writing has been hard for me lately.  I'm not too sure if I've just been too busy and it's taken 5+ days off to just decompress so that I can think creatively again, or if what I have to say is too real to have to sort through.  maybe a bit of both.

but today, the sun is shining and the snow is melting.  the great thaw has arrived.  ha!  it's a balmy +7C today.  last week we were knee deep in snow.  literally.  I think 20+ cm fell in 24-48 hours.  regardless, I'm ready for spring to make an appearance.  my house is quiet and I have no excuses.  okay, other than having to go pick up the kids in ten minutes.

so, three more days of my whole30 challenge.  three more days of lent.  and I'm a bit freaked out.  for the most part, I don't stay the course on anything for this long.  I'm a quitter most of the time.  also, I'm not too sure what to do next.  well, I have some ideas, but I'm a bit freaked out about heading into "no rules" mode.  the rules have served me well for the last 27 days.  have I broken any?  yep.  I failed in the "break up with your scale" part.  other than that, I haven't intentionally broken any eating rules.  there were some times when I had to eat out and I know that not everything was compliant, but I did damn good, considering the choices.  also, I made some unintentional errors.  and I self-corrected them as I needed to.  all things considered though, I did it.  I didn't quit.  I didn't give up.  and this is huge.  freaking huge.

things I learned:
1.  I'm not a slave to food.  it doesn't beckon me any longer.  it gives me energy and sustenance, but it doesn't own me.  I own it.  ha!
2.  I'm not a quitter.  that tape that keeps playing in my head is changing it's tune.
3.  I don't need food or booze to deal with stress.  I'm not too sure how I dealt with stress this past month, but apparently I did it without over eating and without a drop of wine.  shocking.  I think I took out all my frustration in the kitchen.  cutting veggies is more cathartic than you'd know.
4.  I will have to continue to work hard not to fall into old habits.  this is the first week that I've had full-on cravings for sugar and I'm very worried that I'll lose control.  freedom scares me.  that said, I don't think I'm ready for the big world yet.
5.  I didn't miss cheese as much as I thought I would.
6.  this works for me.  I've been sleeping better, dealing with life better, and doing life better.  I have more patience.
7.  when I started this process, I didn't know what I was taking on.  I thought it was health related when in fact it's been very emotional and very spiritual.  battling 40 years of food habits is not for the faint of heart.  and apparently it's got nothing to do with will power.  I still don't have a lot of that.  I was eating poor quality "healthy" food.  it still came from a package and it was still all weighed down with sugar in every name possible.  I have not conquered the sugar dragon quite yet, but he's cowering, that's for sure.

and so now what?  this has been the big question that has been in the forefront of my mind for the last week or so.  I don't think I'm ready for freedom in the big world of food quite yet.  I have a lot more healing to experience - physical and emotional.  so here's the plan:  I'm going to take a bit of a break from the hard core and live in 90/10 world for a week {it's our 10 year anniversary next week and I'd like to have a nice meal with my hubs}.  then I think I'm going to do a whole60.  and start training for another half marathon in July {walking, people, not running!}.  this journey has just begun for me.  and if this is a year defined by the word restore, then I need to remember that this is part of the journey.  a long journey.

so yes, my lovely blog is going to be continually haunted with talk of food and how I suck at cooking for a while longer, but I'm assuming the three of you are good with that :)

Saturday, March 16, 2013


are you listening to imagine dragons yet?  why the heck not??

I haven't blogged in a bit.  the last two week have been insane on way too many levels.  we're in hockey playoff mode and in soccer tryout mode.  I am out of the house way more than I'm in my house and I am tired.  perpetually tired.  whine, whine, I know!

so two weeks ago today, I started the whole30.  and honestly, for the most part, it's been pretty easy.  okay, well the cooking every night at 930 sucks, but really, the eating part hasn't been too difficult.  I've had only a few cravings and for the most part, my late night snacking has disappeared.  that said, I have set some goals for the next few weeks:  drink more water and cut out all snacking.  I haven't quite figured out how much breakfast to eat, or what that should look like.  and either I'm wanting something to eat at 1030 because it's a habit or because I'm actually super hungry.  regardless, I'm going to focus on picking up my water bottle first.  these last two weeks have forced me reset my relationship with food.  in the past, being busy has become an easy excuse.  if I can do this challenge and not let a grain of sugar pass my lips during the most intensely crazy two weeks ever, that is progress.  and it's freeing.

the only cheating I've done, is that I've weighed myself three times.  during this challenge, I'm suppose to break up with my scale.  and yes, three times over two weeks is a huge improvement over the every day that is my usual; but I'm going to conquer that crazy that is my scale over the next two weeks.

and on the good side: I feel good, my belly loves me again and I'm down 7lbs.  oh, and I like cooking.  it's a lot of work cooking and packing up all my meals, but I've been having fun playing with some new foods.

speaking of foods, I need to find some lunch.  two more weeks.

Sunday, March 03, 2013

house on fire

day two of the whole30.  so far, so good.

that said, I haven't cooked this much in...well ever.  I do a good job of making food, but not cooking food.  there is a big, big difference.  when I get home from a long day, I throw stuff in the oven.  I don't actually cook.  on occasion, I'll be on the ball enough to throw food in the crock pot and set it before I leave the house.  even this is rare.  and meat?  yeah, we don't eat a ton of meat in this house.  I think it's because it requires actual cooking.  my poor children.  to be honest, supper is usually on the go because of all the sports stuff we do during the week.

this weekend I've made sweet potatoes, egg/spinach thingies, baked chicken thighs, turkey burgers, and I've cut up more veg than I ever thought possible!  oh, and the turkey burgers?  I made a recipe out of my head.  'cause that's how I rock.  ha!

it sounds like I'm complaining, but really, I've kinda enjoyed it.  my goal has been to make meals can be a lunch then a dinner tomorrow.  or breakfast that I can pull out all week {my egg things}.  the spinach salad I just made - packed the exact same thing for lunch tomorrow.  I'm hoping that all the doubling up of meals will pay off when the week from hell starts.  yep, that's tomorrow.  we have either soccer or hockey every night next week. and on thursday, we have both.  good, good times.

so far this hasn't been super hard.  I feel good and I feel full.  my sweet tooth is my biggest fear, but fruit and tea are keeping that at bay.  I am not so naive as to think that the entire 30 days are going to be this easy, but I know that if I can make it through next week, I'm doing okay.  between raw pecans, hard boiled eggs and lara bars, I can survive the busy.  and when I'm not as busy, I'll cook and create some more interesting things in the kitchen.

I know, super exciting post.  I think it's time for a nap.  I'll be glad when we get a break from the 745 am ice times!


{nate playing soccer this weekend}

{ty playing hockey this weekend}