Wednesday, August 22, 2012

getting in tune

maybe today will be list-like.  just 'cause.

1.  I've been making {okay, in some cases just assembling} a lot of food lately.  I've been working hard to eat cleaner and healthier and cheaper.  ha!  so I've been scouting pinterest [follow me & I'll follow you!  my name is corifraser72.  shocking, I know.] and trying a bunch of gluten-free recipes out.  I made some granola bars for the kids {HUGE HIT!} and I tried some vegan cornbread and pizza inspired quinoa.  super yum!  and, in the vein of the whole pinterest thing, I created some ice cream sandwiches and made them look pretty!  The boys picked out cookies and ice cream and I slapped them together.  then I needed a way that the kids could eat them without as big of a mess as I could anticipate, so I wrapped them in wax paper.  HOWEVER, have you ever tried taping wax paper and throwing it in the freezer?  doesn't work.  string worked.  and looked kinda cool!  mom of the year.  that's what award I'm apparently going for.

2.  John & I went to the football game on friday night.  we lost.  but we had fun.  we haven't been in the same space for that long {like four whole hours!} in FOREVER!  our schedules have been not super coordinated as of late.  it's been a lot of spelling each other off with the kids and not a lot of us in the same space.  he's studying for his police exam {it's on or die!  eeekkkk!} and I've been spending a lot of hours at school.  throw in shift work and voila! living in the same house as someone and not ever seeing them!  alas, it was nice to spend the evening together.

3.  I've been actively avoiding dealing with some shit lately.  I've stalled.  and then I got an email from a friend that has catapulted my head into action.  and my heart is now yearning for change.  I am hopeful, where two years ago I was hopeless.  I've said it before, but I suck at maintaining relationships.  and I got called out on it.  big time.  this isn't new news to me, but it's hard to see it in print.  I like to flee.  I read this post last night, and preston may as well been talking about me.  when things get hard, I run.  it's been a big part of my history.  I run, I avoid, I move.  this summer, without really realizing it, I've confronted it.  kinda.  

every summer I make a plan to get rid of the kids.  I justify it with "I need a break" or "they like playing with their friends" or "I can't do the stay at home mom thing".  list the excuse, I've made it.  this summer, with what started out as financial reasons more than anything, I've kept the kids home with me.  they did swimming lessons, ty did hockey camp, they had sleep overs with cousins and grandmas, but for the most part, we've been home.  and although I ran away to vegas for seven days at the start of the summer, and although I have completed NOTHING on my to do list, I've spent the summer in the same space as my kids.  working on being a mom.  a better mom.  not running away from it.  and {wait for the shocking part...}, I've kinda enjoyed it.  yes, my kids are older.  I can kick them outside to play when I'm having a day.  but it's been nice.

I bring this up because the email I got last week had something in it that has stuck with me.  it goes along the lines of this:  no matter what people say they value, you can be sure by what they choose.  I've not been great at choosing anything but myself.  I've been selfish with my choices.  and it negatively affects my relationships.  all of them.  the relationships I've started to choose over my selfish desires are those I have with my children.  john is a bit more in, I'm not his mother and therefore do not have supreme control over his life...HA!!  but we're trying to work on that too.  {the relationship, not me having supreme control!!}

I have not nurtured any relationships in my life for a long time.  friends.  family.  kids.  husband.  and it's time to stop running away.  because there are some pretty great people in my life.  I just need to open my heart up to those relationships instead of bolting.  all the friggin' time.

and right now, these are the people that I'm looking to surround me in this journey.  the people who are grace.  people who send tough emails.  people who call me on my shit.  people that journey with me.

a wise person once told me that change isn't in the knowing, but in the doing.  and right now, it's putting one foot in front of the other.  and not towards the back door.

Friday, August 17, 2012


yes, I've fallen off the face of the earth (aka I'm back at work and my world is not my own!). it's been a busy couple of weeks. I'll give you the low-down via pictures! {and they are terribly out of order; just work with me on this!}

{edmonton folk music festival - night time on the hill}

{the lake}

{discovering the barr brothers at folk fest.  they are AMAZING}

{the zoo with the smalls}

{ty & I, feet in the water, before the storm}

{unpacking new xylophones & metallophones at school}

{the plan for august...with most of the stuff on it!}

{the cabin after the was CRAZY!}

{my fave zoo picture - on the little stone elephants, watching the elephants}

in the last two weeks:  the boys and I drove almost 8 hrs over 48 hrs, we survived a violent, sudden storm at the lake, we survived a mosquito swarming, I helped my sunburn along {grrrr}, I sat on a hill in the dark, listening to music, I made the kids come and watch jim cuddy play on a side stage, we played with cousins {first cousins & second cousins...and some sleepovers were involved, and bale hopping}, and I've unpacked {with some help} a library, a textbook room, a music room {okay, well it should be done today!} and a drama room.

it's been good to spend time with the kids.  and it's good to be back at work.  so, now I must find coffee...have a great day, peeps!!

Friday, August 03, 2012

penny lane

I'm feeling really out of sorts tonight.  and not just because I have the sun burn from HELL {totally my own fault.  I own this one.} and the mosquito bites from a place worse than hell.  my spirit is restless.  and lonely.  and just really out of sorts.

this isn't new.  I experience this feeling on a fairly cyclical basis.  only I'm usually too busy to take notice and the feeling passes.  apparently being out of sorts when one is not working kinda forces a person to take a closer look.

I have an enormous fear that looms high above my head.  like dark, foreboding clouds that hang in the sky, never giving way to rain, just sitting there, blocking the sun.  and this week it got pointed out and I had to give it a name.  it's almost by giving it a name, by giving it being, I have the ability to squish it like the little bug that it is.  I fear rejection.  I live to please others in hopes of not being rejected.  I know that this may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you {okay, well it surprised me a bit}, as I usually come off as quite confident and outgoing with my usual "I don't give a rat's ass" attitude, but fear drives much of what I do.  when I let it.

someone along the way once told me that I wasn't good enough.  and I believed it. it cripples most of everything I do and think.  I literally over-achieve or under-achieve based on my perceived success.  does that make sense?  there is a duality to my thinking.  I am super confident and overly bold in my professional life.  I rarely second guess my choices at work.  I'm a total geeky over achiever when it comes to my career.  in a lot of other areas, I often don't try things because I am so afraid of being rejected.  being laughed at.  being told I suck.  being told to stop showing up.  it makes me very reserved in my relationships.  and in the last few weeks, I've succumbed to it and it made me feel unwanted.  uncared for.  unloved.

I know that so much of this comes from the negative self-talk I'm working really hard to break.  and I know that it is also about my perception.  the bottom line is that it comes from a place of fear.  I do not want to spend the next 40+ years feeling afraid.  I'm not too sure why in the last few weeks I've been placed in a position where I have had to face rejection on such a big scale.  and my response?  feel sorry for myself.  ha!  {yeah, I'm not joking...}  but rejection is often a perception of reality.  pain that others wear.  a lack of communication.  but my heart takes a blow every time, especially when the clouds of fear are lurking closer than they should.

well, I'm done.  totally and completely done.  I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will always tear into a situation with my opinion and with as much honesty as I can muster.  the bottom line is that I cannot let this fear change who I am.  I am the kind of person who isn't always guarded and I like that about myself.  I'm done with letting fear label me.

talk about wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm going to go bury myself in my book until these storm clouds pass.  I'm counting on some sun tomorrow.