Friday, August 03, 2012

penny lane

I'm feeling really out of sorts tonight.  and not just because I have the sun burn from HELL {totally my own fault.  I own this one.} and the mosquito bites from a place worse than hell.  my spirit is restless.  and lonely.  and just really out of sorts.

this isn't new.  I experience this feeling on a fairly cyclical basis.  only I'm usually too busy to take notice and the feeling passes.  apparently being out of sorts when one is not working kinda forces a person to take a closer look.

I have an enormous fear that looms high above my head.  like dark, foreboding clouds that hang in the sky, never giving way to rain, just sitting there, blocking the sun.  and this week it got pointed out and I had to give it a name.  it's almost by giving it a name, by giving it being, I have the ability to squish it like the little bug that it is.  I fear rejection.  I live to please others in hopes of not being rejected.  I know that this may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you {okay, well it surprised me a bit}, as I usually come off as quite confident and outgoing with my usual "I don't give a rat's ass" attitude, but fear drives much of what I do.  when I let it.

someone along the way once told me that I wasn't good enough.  and I believed it. it cripples most of everything I do and think.  I literally over-achieve or under-achieve based on my perceived success.  does that make sense?  there is a duality to my thinking.  I am super confident and overly bold in my professional life.  I rarely second guess my choices at work.  I'm a total geeky over achiever when it comes to my career.  in a lot of other areas, I often don't try things because I am so afraid of being rejected.  being laughed at.  being told I suck.  being told to stop showing up.  it makes me very reserved in my relationships.  and in the last few weeks, I've succumbed to it and it made me feel unwanted.  uncared for.  unloved.

I know that so much of this comes from the negative self-talk I'm working really hard to break.  and I know that it is also about my perception.  the bottom line is that it comes from a place of fear.  I do not want to spend the next 40+ years feeling afraid.  I'm not too sure why in the last few weeks I've been placed in a position where I have had to face rejection on such a big scale.  and my response?  feel sorry for myself.  ha!  {yeah, I'm not joking...}  but rejection is often a perception of reality.  pain that others wear.  a lack of communication.  but my heart takes a blow every time, especially when the clouds of fear are lurking closer than they should.

well, I'm done.  totally and completely done.  I will always wear my heart on my sleeve.  I will always tear into a situation with my opinion and with as much honesty as I can muster.  the bottom line is that I cannot let this fear change who I am.  I am the kind of person who isn't always guarded and I like that about myself.  I'm done with letting fear label me.

talk about wearing my heart on my sleeve.  I'm going to go bury myself in my book until these storm clouds pass.  I'm counting on some sun tomorrow.

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