Saturday, August 31, 2013

Paul Newman vs. The Demons

it's been too long.  I'm not too sure where the summer has gone... {oh, and go discover the avett brothers.  AMAZING!}

{hockey.  yep, it never ends!}


{cute belly at the lake}

{a great way to enjoy great music, and meet new people!}

 { shakey graves!}

{a trip to the country}

{cousin sleepovers}

{a new-to-us car}

{volunteering at the edmonton marathon}

{crazy car adventures on the highway...sheesh!}

{and today, this started.}

I've been back at school for two weeks already {kids start on tuesday!} and I've struggled to get back into a routine.  but I feel gross.  and bloated.  and just icky.  time to refocus and start the work again.  I have to be honest though, the summer hasn't been full of stupid eating.  just not at the level I know I can be at.  not all is awful, just needing another fresh start.  it's all good.  that said, it's been a journey this summer.  a journey to realize that even if I never lose another pound ever, that I can be okay in my skin.  I'm not totally "there" yet, but I'm getting there...

Tuesday, August 06, 2013


so the new civil wars album dropped today.  this is important for a lot of reasons:
1. I was in need of some really great blog post titles
2. I needed a good cry.  not a lot of music stirs this kind of emotion in me.
3. I was pretty sure this album was never going to happen.  the band took a break.  I read an interview with joy and it kinda broke my heart.  then I realized that I totally get it, on far too many levels.  and now when I listen to this album, there is this sort of angst and sadness.  and it makes me sad.  
4.  I saw this review today and it resonated with me.  especially the title.  tension and grace.  and it got me thinking.  
5. I also read this blog post today and I may have had an ugly cry.  tension and grace.  

why am I always fighting?  why can't I just surrender?  there is such a deep self-loathing in my heart paired with such an incredible desire to be pursued that I can't buy that I have been pursued.  that I'm not worthy.  I do not feel worthy.  of grace.  of love.  I push away.  I shove my heart away.  I move.  I run. I escape.  I do not feel worthy.  am I just having a moment?  yeah, probably.  but as I work through the word "restore", and I take time to rest, the truth about myself rises to the surface.  and it's ugly.  

interesting enough, I'm feeling close to the breaking point.  that I've almost been pinned down long enough and I'm ready to say "uncle".  but I'm afraid.  what happens when I give in?  what do I lose?  what do I gain?  I'm afraid.  what I do know is that it's time to quit acting like a kid and just start pull up my socks, get off my ass and just start moving instead of wallowing.  sometimes behaviour needs to lead when your attitude is acting like a petulant little girl whining in the corner.  I love how I have this pep talk every couple of weeks.  are y'all getting tired of it yet?  I am.  

Friday, August 02, 2013

same old same old

I know, I know.  my blogging has been sporadic at best.  but I've been reading.  and going out with kids.  and getting my sun on.  and watching a crapload of tv.  I've been busy.  and my schedule is off.  we've been going to bed way too late and waking up way too late.  as much as I love sleeping in, it's august already people.  I need to get everything back on schedule.  oh, and I haven't done anything all summer, so I need to get at least one project done!  I feel like I've been hampered but the financial crisis that has been the summer of 2013 - we've poured almost $1500 into john's car then add the whole "cori getting pulled over by the cops" thing that happened this week; okay, so it's been a super expensive summer.  grrrr.  my project motivation has been low.  I'm rambling.  and maybe I'm having a little pity party.

so, I need a plan of attack.

1.  I need to start getting up a bit earlier.  I start back at work in two weeks.  and I read THIS today.  sigh.  I need to get my ass up out of bed earlier.  I think I'll start on monday!!

2.  hydration - must drink more water.  really, there's no explanation needed.  it means drinking less booze, I'm sure.  maybe I'll start this on on monday too.  ha!  never mind, I'll go get my water bottle right now.  I made another cup of coffee too.

3.  if you're looking for a book to read this summer, jack of diamonds by bryce courtenay is totally worth your time.  I may have been up until 2am finishing it last night.  it's a bit over the top, and not my favourite bryce courtenay book {that would be the power of one and jessica...tied for first place!}, but it's a great ending to a wonderful career.

4.  two weeks until I'm back at work.  and the next two weeks are pretty jammed packed.  folk fest {I'm volunteering this year!}, a trip to the north country {two nights with my bestie}, maybe more lake, john working on weekends instead of weekdays, hockey...well it's going to be busy.  so by the 15th, I'm getting my whole30 back on.

5.  I moved the pictures from my mom's camera to my computer.  so yes, you're being tormented with more vacation pictures!! {but these ones were not in my constant instagram feed while on vacay!}

 {I love this one of nate and minnie.}

 {wow, a family photo...and we're all looking at the camera!}

{the boys and I in line for something...maybe it's the boat ride at legoland?}

{neon in hollywoood}

{I think this is my favourite picture from the whole trip.  my dad and the boys.}

{the hunky hubs}

{the boys at the angels game}