Thursday, March 31, 2011

all the pretty faces

okay, so here's my pretty awful movie.  no seriously, shooting with an iPhone in the middle of church on a sunday morning while you're playing the piano and watching two small children kinda sucks.  ha!!  there is no steady hand thing happening here.  and let's be honest, it's not going to mean a bunch to most of you - just unsteady, random shots.  I recorded the music at the end of the service while we were playing.  the rest of the sound in the videos was just so awful and "far away" that I just did away with it.  all that said, it's for brenda.  brenda, you'll know the people...most of them.  and you'll get the feel.  I hope.  so the rest of you can enjoy the music and brenda will forgive me for the quality.  lol.

winter winds

{totally poached this from a different site...but it kinda spoke to me this morning}

I did not go to bikram yesterday.  nor will I go today.  I have had a persistent headache that is rearing it's ugly head again this morning.  I am going to blame my kids for this morning's fun.  ha!  I am planning to go on friday and saturday.  because tonight I am going change the bed time routine just a bit.  and take them to my school this afternoon to play floor hockey for hours.  that should wear them out.  I hope!

anyways, we're home this morning for some lazy, coffee-drinking {me!}, tv watching {them}, pyjama wearing {all of us} good times.  ty has a blanky tied to his neck and he's metro man.  the lack of sleep around here is going to quickly disintegrate into some brother fighting very soon.  the signs are all there. oh it's going to be a long, long day!  it's a good thing I made an entire pot of coffee...

in other news {okay, that's over stating it!}, my kids have been totally into making smoothies as of late.  the blender is living on my counter.  chocolate banana, super strawberry, creamcicle...lots of fruit, yogurt and milk.  and they are addicted!  every morning for breakfast.  I like that my kids love fruits and veggies as much as they do.  and last night I roasted chickpeas.  those were a big hit too!  healthy eating can be fun.  and yummy.  lets not talk about how I have a package of hotdogs defrosting on my counter for lunch today!!!

have a happy thursday.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

neon tiger

and then just mere hours later, I feel better.  not 100%.  and to be honest, maybe the aleve has kicked in.  needless to say, I think that a 90 minute hot yoga class is out of the equation for tomorrow.  perhaps I need a day.

a strange thing happened during bikram this morning as I was helplessly destined to lay on my mat for 45 minutes {I started trying to write this earlier, but got a wave of exhaustion and nausea and couldn't do it!}.  instead of turning my head off, I used the time to think.  to focus.  to re-focus.  I've been in a self-imposed pause for the last six weeks or so and it's like I had a moment where I felt like it was time to stop pausing and start moving forward.  I was reminded of my word for 2011 {grace} and how perhaps it's time to start extending it to myself.  forgiving myself.  and my scripture for this year also came to my mind:

"come to me.  get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest." {matthew 11:28-30...I just took out the middle part this time}

rest.  recover my life.  learn the unforced rhythms of grace {it's in the same passage}.  rest.  recovery.  grace.  and in all of that, it came to me that I need to start by taking a huge step in trust.  and it has to do with forgiving myself.  and trusting that I am forgiven.  I'm not even too sure how to form my words around this other than to say that I feel like the time has come to start moving forward again.  and for me, it starts with being in relationship with people who can support me.  hold me up in prayer.  encourage me.  and occasionally kick my butt.

rest.  recover.  grace.

who let you go?

so bikram kicked my ass today.  mid way through the class today I started to get a massive headache.  occasionally I clench my teeth in my sleep and I know this because my headache lasts all day and radiates from my jaw.  I don't get these often, but I have one now.  and it began half way through class.  my goal today had been to do every pose once {every pose is done twice in class}.  yeah.  I spent 45 minutes on my back with my eyes closed, rubbing my jaw, just hoping that the pain would subside.  it didn't.  and now I feel like crap again, just in the last hour.  I just can't seem to kick this bug.  grrr.

Monday, March 28, 2011


just a heads up, there is a whole lot of random this morning...and none of it is very connected.  no smart segues in my writing today!

it's day one of spring break.  thank god.  last week was rough at best, stringing together a number of fairly intense weeks.  like what the heck happened to march?  no, for real.  being in "pause" mode has been good considering the busy that has been march.  and seriously, check out the view.  it looks like november out there.  grey, icky, cold.  I am trying to emerge from my state of emotional hibernation, but this weather is not doing me any good.  and I am trying not to complain too much.  we're very fortunate here in alberta.  it gets snowy and cold, but we don't get earthquakes and tsunamis.  I have much to be thankful for.

so I had this big spring break plan - to do a 10 day stretch of bikram yoga - and to do it just to get myself out of this funk.  like a cleanse.  leave all the garbage in the studio.  sweat it all out.  and now I'm sick.  coughing, congested and just icky.  not sick enough to spend the day in bed, but too sick to do hot yoga. I am really bummed out about this.  and I am really hoping that this cough thing clears so I can get a few days in before spring break is over.  grrr.

and I have another spring break goal.  to make some phone calls.  I am a horribly wretched friend.  especially to those people who I don't see on a regular basis.  and don't argue with me.  it's true.  I know I can legitimately blame the whole thing that is my life:  working full time + mom of two boys + soccer + report cards + wife + daughter + stampin' up + church = barely enough time to think.  the people I'm friends with that are in my general circle of interaction are good.  step out of that circle and beware.  I fall off the face of the earth.  and I don't know how to fix this.  other than picking up the phone when I have some down time, like this week.  I just feel really crappy about letting it get so far gone.  and just really unsure how to change my behaviour.  because I own this.  it's me.  see.  I get tired just thinking about it.

okay, and my friend brenda {HI BRENDA!!!} is off in indonesia doing wonderful things with her life.  we were trying to get her skyped into the service yesterday and it failed miserably.  audio issues.  she facebooked me and asked if I would video some of the service.  well, that's hard when you're at the piano!  I did get a bit of video taken, but it's going to need some editing.  I did get this song recorded though...{let's see how long it takes to get it imbedded...!}  okay, never mind.  I'm going to make a video and use it as the sound track.  the internet connection at this lovely starbucks is a bit too slow for uploading.  I'll see what creations I can make this afternoon...!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

take a minute

okay.  I got inspired yesterday.  first, GO HERE!  but come back...

5 things that inspire me: {in a fairly random order...and I combined the kids!}

 {this view: sitting at the keyboard on a sunday morning and playing with phenomenal musicians}

 {school - the kids I teach - the people I teach with}

 {colour:  finding combinations that allow me to make beautiful cards}

 {kid #1}

{kid #2}

{good music}

your turn.  what inspires you?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

comfortably numb

{my view from behind the computer this at 9am!}

1.  once a month or so I get to play the piano on a sunday morning.  and then once a month or so I run all the media for the service.  today was media.  and this was rehearsal.  it was all good.

2.  we played 'comfortably numb' by pink floyd at the end of the service.  I had forgotten how good that album is.  and how much I like that song.

3.  dean preached on money.  this happens VERY rarely in our church.  bottom line, I was reminded of how many trust issues I have.  and how much I am working on this.  in all areas of my life.  {yes, the credit cards are still in lock-up...11 days and counting!}

4.  I read this blog post yesterday and cried.  it gave me hope.  and words to describe what I'm coming to believe about myself.  and the hope that I can change.  since I feel like I am back at the crime scene, dealing with the pathetic bandaid.  {I love that imagery}.  

5.  I did my workout dvd last night with the boys.  my legs HURT!!!

6.  I was down 2.6 yesterday at weight watchers.  much better than the 1 up from last week.  damn pms.

7.  and now I'm watching megamind with the boys.  and john is sleeping.  and the house is generally clean and generally quiet.  that soothes my soul on this cold, grey sunday.  sigh.

8.  and I'm out of stuff.  so I think I'll go prep for club tomorrow...


Friday, March 18, 2011

london girl

I wish I knew of a song title that would express the crap that was my day.  maybe f*** you by cee lo green would actually be the most appropriate.  normally I have good rebound when crap happens.  not today.  it started with me dumping a third of my scalding-hot-not-even-ten-minutes-old americano down the front of myself.  yeah.  I cried.  and was glad I was wearing a dress with jeans.  the dress went into the dryer at school after I rinsed it out.  and I wore my wet, cold jeans which probably saved my legs.  I have one little burn mark/blistery thing on the top of my leg, but other than just some ongoing general stinging, I survived.  but that was the start.  and I never really recovered.  I lost my mojo before I even entered the building.

by the time I got home, I was done with people.  and I had a mere 45 minutes before john had to leave [he's on nights, which plays a big part in my inability to deal], so I put my pjs on and crawled into bed.  alone.  silence.  just me.  quiet.  sigh.  thank goodness the boys are fairly happy.  I promised a camp-out tonight, so they have their blankies in hand and are watching a movie upstairs.  and there are potato chips.  which has bought me a bit of time to clean up the lego fest downstairs, clean my kitchen and watch some mommy tv.  ace of cake re-runs.

I don't know if I've ever been THIS ready for spring break.

and in the grateful department?  well I am grateful that john and I have been together for 11 years.  totally crazy, eh?  yeah.  yesterday [also known as st patrick's day!] was the anniversary of when john and I started dating.  and yes, there is a story there.  and no, it's not one I have the energy to tell tonight.  I am kinda sad that I didn't really get to see him yesterday, but that's okay too.  when all is said and done, I am very grateful for making it 11 years.  it's never easy living with me, but he's managed almost 8 years of that.  the man deserves a medal!!

{although this cup of coffee messed with my day, the note on it made me happy!}

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

you make me feel like a natural woman

I'm livin' on the edge.  trying something new.  out of my comfort zone.  hehehe!
{a tall espresso con panna}

two shots of espresso with a dollop of whipping cream on top.  kinda yummy.  and not too sweet, considering I drink most of my coffee black.  I would do it again.  maybe not so wise having a double espresso at 8:00 at night, but hey.  there's some tv I need to get caught up on!

and today's bit of gratefulness is not a quite trip to starbucks by myself {although I am enjoying the quiet!}, but my job.  I know I often mention it as something I am grateful for, but it's not even about having work {although I am grateful for that too!}.  it's really about getting up every morning and loving where I work and what I get to do each day.  I enjoy the company of the people I work with.  in fact, I love working with them.  teaching is a hard job.  too hard to do alone.  I get to do it daily with great people {read that sentence in context people...NOT by itself!!}.  I know I am fortunate.  and I am grateful.  in addition, I teach some pretty great kids.  they are not always wonderful, but sometimes they show, in their little jr. high way, their potential to be great people.  like my one girl who can totally push my buttons and generally drives me CRAZY - she showed up with coffee for me last monday morning.  and another kid, totally owing his mistakes today and taking his consequences like a man.  and another little elementary kid who decided not to get all defiant with me today, but gave me a moment to explain how his whole week wasn't wrecked by one bad choice {does my picture make any sense??}

{and so proud of our boys basketball team for winning bronze today in their playoff game}

{and glad that john brought the boys to come and watch}

although a lot of the reflection in lent is about dying to self, I am remembering that I am blessed.  I am trying to change my focus so that it's not so "me" centred.  and that's REALLY difficult to do.  I am selfish.  I am "all about me".  trust is hard for me.  yet, in these days of lent, I am feeling the pull to trust. the necessity to take my eyes off of myself.  and focus on the cross.  and the death-love-pain-grace that it represents.  this is not easy.  but I guess good things are not.

not too sure if I mentioned the other day that I'm taking dairy off the lent list.  but I am.  but I feel like it needs to be replaced.  so I am adding candy to the list.  I am having problems getting my system off sugar, and candy is not clean.  or weight watchers friendly.  or necessary for existence on most days.  so although almost a week late and way too overdue, candy is in the "forbidden" list.  as of now.  {it's suppose to be a bit painful, right??}

Monday, March 14, 2011

the band played waltzing matilda

happy monday!  and really it was.  okay, maybe not happy, but it was good.  the time change this weekend has sent the kids for a loop.  and last night, small boys were still awake at 11pm.  yeah.  getting the kids up this morning was HELL.  so tired.  this too will pass, right?

as tired as we all are, the thaw has arrived.  it's been a long, cold winter and spring cannot come fast enough.  so, with the sun shining and the snow thawing, the boys and I went out for dinner tonight.  I like going out with them, especially when they want japanese food!  as I eat sushi, they eat spring rolls.  yummo!  I wonder if I go to bed now, if I'll have the energy to get up early and make lunches tomorrow morning?  I am going to hit the clean eating hard this week - I need to purge these sugar cravings out of my system.  I feel groggy and icky.  and I don't like it.  sigh.  okay.  I'm getting up.  for real this time.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

a pair of brown eyes

so I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday.  it's been an outrageously busy week.  last night john & I attended a third of a marriage retreat at our church.  the part we were there for was good, but I wish we could have gone today as well.  oh well.  he's on days and nate had a soccer tournament.  ty's been at galaxyland with one of his little buddies all day, so nate & I were on our own.  his team lost both games, but nate played hard.  and well.  and yes, I am a wee bit biased!  since we were out south for soccer, we decided to go to ikea for lunch.  just the two of us.  good times!  he's a good date!

{nate getting his medal after the game}

{pushing the tray cart thingy}

{swedish treats}

so, lent.  well the dairy thing is driving me nuts already.  I need to be a bit more vigilant about what is INSIDE things {like the above swedish treat...cream filled} and cream in my coffee.  grrr.  just wasn't thinking.  and the booze thing?  well no one thinks I can do it.  HA!  you bet I can.  and john and I decided on one more thing to "give up".  we decided on wednesday to put away all of our credit cards.  to live without them in our pockets.  debt is no fun.  credit card debt is even less fun.  although we generally keep to a budget and try to save, it seems like we always "need" something, when truly it's a want issue, not a need issue.  so for the next 40 days we are going without.  I am incredibly grateful that john was as committed as I was to this idea.  so as a result I walked out of ikea with curtains and a curtain rod, a bath mat and a frame.  and I stayed in my "what I can afford" range vs. my "what I want" range.

tomorrow we celebrate ash sunday {our take on ash wednesday}.  my focus will be on death to self.  to my desires.  my wants.  christ suffered and died for me.  the least I can do during this season is to honour him the best I can - to be in remembrance.  and in gratitude.  the grace I've received {and continue to receive} came at a cost.  I am sobered when I reflect upon what forgiveness for my sin cost.  I am so incredibly grateful for that grace.  I shall not forget.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

let it rain

{nate building something, after building it the right way the first time then taking it all apart!}

my sweet nae.  serious.  funny.  intense.  studious.  so happy in the mornings, so unhappy at night.  needs a solid twelve hours of sleep a night.  and he loves chocolate milk.  and it kinda freaks me out that he'll be 8 in july.  SUPER CRAZY!  

he's grown into a wonderful boy.  so much like his dad that it's nuts.  but it's one of the things I love about him.  he's an observer.  shy.  quiet.  until you get them into a safe place.  and he memorizes everything.  lately it's commercials.  and jingles.  drives me nuts.

I am super proud of this kid.  and I love his hugs.  I am super proud to be his mom.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

last train home

happy ash wednesday.  and happy day #1 of things I am grateful for.

and today, it's my sweet tyrone.  my number two child.  the one who tries my patience with his anger  and melts my heart with his cuddles.  he asks great questions, loves music and hockey and lego.  he is fierce and kind.  his teachers and friends have nothing but kind words about my ty.

and he has an amazing memory for details - especially hockey schedules, football plays, player names, games and dates.  I just wish he could remember where middle c was on the piano!!

he crawled into bed with me last night because he couldn't go to sleep and we had a chat about creativity.  about the importance of using your imagination.  and not always following the music or the directions on your lego instructions.  and I had a moment.  I love this kid.  and I love being his mom.  I am so grateful that I get to spend my days with him.  he's my favourite five year old!!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

walking in memphis

I am having my last glass of wine for the next 40 days.  tomorrow it begins.  and right now I have a "bring it on" attitude.  mainly because I am drinking wine and eating lots and lots of cheese!  and sour cream.  all things dairy!

and in other news, my beloved starbucks revealed their new logo.  my first day with the cup.  I like.  I like it better in real life than I did when I saw it on the internet months ago.  and they have new food.  new little food.

like these little cake pop things that are lovely and little and happy.  this one was rocky road cake.  and yes, I had it first thing this morning.  for breakfast.

and there's no good tv on tonight.  so I rented a movie.  love and other drugs.  kinda slow, but kinda lovely.  so far.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

waking the dead

so I survived two nights of casino fun.  it was a lot of fun.  this morning, however, it was hard getting out of bed!  so this afternoon I took a nap {I will totally be regretting that in about an hour!} and while I was napping apparently the boys decided to pull out some lego.  these are sets that they got for christmas.  nate is super methodical with his building.  he pulls out only what he needs and goes step by step.  ty rips the instruction book apart, spreads out all pieces and just goes, not really following the order {and I had to help him with the last few bits}.  in both cases, the boys ended up making some fun stuff.  and they were quiet.  sweet bliss!

so I've been thinking about lent.  ash wednesday is this week and the celebration of lent is something that has become more and more a part of my yearly remembrances.  christmas is always celebratory, but easter is more somber.  I spent the christmas season in reflection on joy.  and I spent a considerable amount of time during advent focused on something very specific.  something that redirected my focus during a busy, busy time.  I need to do something similar during lent.

there are actually three parts to lent - fasting, praying and giving.  this year my fasting portion will be in the giving up of dairy products.  I did something similar last year and I am going to give it another go.  last year I also gave up meat and out of that I have continued to not eat beef.  dairy gives my belly a hard time.  so that one is a no brainer.  I am also feeling like I should give up alcohol as well.  the fact that I don't want to makes me think that I really need to.  no diary, no booze.

in the prayer department, I am going to commit to daily blogging.  blogging with a focus on gratitude.  I sometimes feel like I can be a really negative, complaining person.  I want to spend this time in reflection on things that I am grateful for.

and for the giving portion, well I have no idea.  okay, I have a bit of an idea.  and it involves some purging.  getting rid of some stuff that isn't needed any longer.  and I think I'm going to get the boys to help me.

so, that's the plan.  keep me accountable, okay?  and if you want to join me on this lenten adventure, leave me a comment.  if your a blogger or not, it doesn't matter.  I just know that it's easier to do these things within community.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

wait for you

it's been a week.  I've been fighting a cold, recouping from last week's chaos and sick kid business, and having fun with John working nights!  on a work front, it was teachers convention this week.  two days out of the classroom where we get to go to sessions and get caught up with our peers.  typically I really enjoy convention.  this year I wasn't so happy with the choices for sessions, so we went to see a bunch of the keynote speakers.  keynotes are a safe bet.  lol.  and I always walk away feeling reenergized.  it was good.  I took this picture on friday morning as I was waiting for my session to start!

and then last night {and I'm going again tonight!}, I was working in the cash cage at a local casino.  our school gets to have a casino every two years and it raises a ton of money for our school.  I volunteered two years ago and again this weekend.  it's a ton of fun, but the hours SUCK!  like 615 pm to 215 am.  good, good times.  anyways, I'm exhausted this morning {see exhibit c below!!}  yes, that's me at weight watchers this morning with my coffee and tired eyes.  but I was down .8 this morning and all things considered {like eating casino food at 11 pm last night}, I'm okay with that.

and then I came home and made a super healthy veggie/egg white omelet.  5 points of healthy happiness.  spinach, peppers, canadian bacon with a bit of low fat mozza.  mmmmm.

it may be time for a nap.  4.5 hours just isn't going to be enough today.  ha!