Thursday, December 31, 2009

Don't rain on my parade

I got through a huge portion of yesterday's list: coffee, lunch, the disappearance of christmas, vacuuming, food, reading, GLEE!!! did not wash the floors [I forgot and won't be doing it until tomorrow!]. did not shred bills. did not do the card thing. 7 out of 10 is pretty damn good. and now I am sitting and watching "the Soloist" with John. not very often we get to do that together on a thursday afternoon. happy.

it's got to be a good thing to end off both the year and the decade in happy mode. at the beginning of this decade I knew John, but we didn't start dating until the march of 2000. almost 1o years. 10 mainly good, usually great, occasionally unsure years. but really, 10 years. crazy!

was I happy when this decade started? was I even remotely content? I have no idea. okay, I have an idea. I was completely miserable. lonely. self-destructive. a hater. a cynic. I hated myself and I hated my life. I don't like to think of who I was back then. when I think about it, I become incredibly grateful for redemption. and grace. and a god who loves me regardless. and then I remember that I must daily do this for others. exemplify redemption, grace and love. I am so glad that I am ending this decade in a much better place than I started it. this is a very good thing.

happy new years, friends.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

dancing with myself

things to do before tomorrow night:
1. take down christmas
2. vacuum [well, this is John's job, but nevertheless needs to be done!]
3. wash the floors
4. shred old bills [like, we're talking OLD!]
5. lunch with susan
6. make & mail new years cards
7. buy some food for tomorrow night
8. read my book
9. drink some coffee [should be much earlier on the list]
10. buy season 1 of glee on dvd. EEEEEKKKKK!!! this makes my heart happy.

other than number 6, potentially all of these could really get accomplished. so, I went to weight watchers today. the last time I had been was nov 28th, so it had been a month. and, I only gained 3lbs. I am quite pleasantly surprised, since I was so sure I had gained 10lbs and would be starting back in square one. so, I've set a goal for this week: I am going to track EVERYTHING - good or bad. I am going to drink 6-8 glasses of water per day. I am going to go on an alcohol fast as of friday morning. january 1 until feb 1st. one month. I have had more booze in the month of december that it's embarrassing. seriously. martini's and margarita's have more calories than I really need in my body. and I have seriously been drunk almost every weekend this month. I am flippin' 37 years old and have no business getting drunk all the time. so, detox for the month of january. I am also contemplating cutting out sugar, but that may send my system into complete shock, so for now I will track everything and replace booze with water!!

saw a quote today that I liked:
"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one that feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." [Theodore Isaac Rubin]

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

all you need is love

because I didn't post yesterday, I'll post twice today.

I read this blog post today [love her!] and then tracked most all of what I ate and did 30 serious minutes on my mom's treadmill. and tomorrow morning, I am going back to weight watchers. it's been nearly a month and I am pretty sure I've put on a few, just purely with all the booze I've inhaled this christmas. EEEEKKKK! to make myself feel better, I am drinking some baileys.

no more waiting for tomorrow.

can't fight this feeling

so I've already missed a day. oh well.

yesterday was a bit crazed, time wise and then I attempted to partition my time capsule/time machine thingy and this lead to some restoring, some erasing and some overnight backing up. still not too sure if I did it correctly, since I was really wanting part of this drive mounting on my computer. and some of you are reading and saying "blah, blah, blah". I get it. needless to say, my computer spent 12+ hours hard wired to the time capsule having a grand ol' time being backed up.

speaking of geek stuff, John & I watched the new star trek movie this past weekend and LOVED. it. seriously. was I ever remotely cool? because I know that now I am just a geek. I think I'm okay with that.

so my apple/mac one-to-one membership expired as of yesterday and I'm feeling a bit sad about that. I may renew. I was unaware that now it's only available to brand new mac owners. so I fall into a bit of a different category over there. I feel like really I know a lot, but am just generally forgetful. and in some cases, I know more that the trainers. not too sure how I feel about that. things to ponder.

alas, it's officially my first of three days in a quiet, quiet house. I hardly slept last night, so I may just go back to sleep. movie plans this afternoon - maybe sherlock holmes, if I'm lucky.

what movie would you choose?

Sunday, December 27, 2009

no day but today

okay, so Allison blogged an advent calendar of blog posts [everyday for the 24 days leading up to Christmas. I think I am going to blog an un-advent calendar [the 24 day leading away from Christmas]. I am already a day late.

so Christmas in the Fraser house was pretty nice. busy, but nice. just the right amount of family time. and the kids were really great. until today. today is payback for the late nights and the early mornings. oh well. reality had to hit at some time. tomorrow [until thursday] they are off to the dayhome so I can have 4 days of peace and quiet. or 4 days of cleaning up the post-Christmas mess!

I went to Connie's last night to drink and hang out. we ended up watching rent - one of my FAVORITE musicals. I would love to see it on broadway someday. a serious "must-do" in my life time. which got me thinking of other things I want to do in my life time. I'd like to say that I could share this list, but so far I only have one thing on it. I think that it's kinda ironic that I haven't thought about this before now, since I am totally a future thinker [it's my new self-analysis. like it?]. I am usually a planner in my head. I make lists, dates, add to calendars and live my life accordingly. and, in my defense, it's how I make my life generally work with work, kids, husband, church, family, fun, friends, etc. I am really all about what is going to happen later, tomorrow, next week. this is not really a bad thing. in fact, I am good with my futuristic thought patterns and life. HOWEVER, in being this way, I do need to force myself to slow down and enjoy the moment. I spend a lot of time talking and planning and worrying about the future and perhaps I don't balance it with living in the present. and here comes the rent tie-in. these are the lyrics from my favorite rent song. although I don't plan to go from being an unbalanced futuristic thinker to an unbalanced "present-only" thinker, the lyrics do resonate with me in a way that perhaps I need to consider.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright

No other course
No other way
No day but today
I can't control My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

so, today, I will endeavour to just enjoy today. and then tomorrow, I will try to do the same. and just really work on living with no regret, whether I make it to NYC to see rent or not.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

no air


I am at home today - yes, it is torturous of me to leave a sub with my class on the last week of school before Christmas break, I know. I felt a bit off yesterday morning and should have just stayed home in the first place, but no, I drove all the way in and just sat in my chair starring off into space, until I could handle no more. so I ditched my class at 11:00 and drove all the way home.

my symptoms, other than the lovely cold I have, include the chills [like seriously, warmth was NO where to be found], sore skin, and the lower half of my body just ached. laying in bed was torture. it felt like my blood was pooling. there is no way to describe this, other to say that there were spotty aches on the sides of my legs that were touching a surface. then this morning, a miracle happened. I woke up feeling like it had all been in my head. no chills, no soreness. the cough is back, but hey, that is a familiar. the only lingering thing I have is these large red spots on my right shin. they're tender and feel/look like an allergic reaction. SO STRANGE! so, don't know what I have/had. if this was the H1N1, then it wasn't so bad. if this is just the prelude to the flu, then EEEEKKKK!!!

personally, I think that I may just be allergic to cold weather. we've had an unbelievable cold stretch - like 4-5 days lingering in the -35/-40+ weather. like brutal. honestly, I enjoy winter. I love how the snow looks and feels under my feet. I love how it makes a city incredibly silent. I just love winter in the -10/-15 range, not any colder! so, I am sticking to my story of my sudden illness being my body just having an allergic reaction to the steady cold. today is warmer, hence the miracle recovery!!

so, I am still taking the day off [had made that decision yesterday when I felt like a smushed cracker]. I think I may shower. go to the drug store. make some cards. so exciting!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

some pics...

so we're house bound. ventured out into the great big world of snow today and ended up with a blown out tire on one car and another car a bit suck in the snow. after some help, we got home from the gingerbread house making party in one piece, and set up christmas. it's a bit nuts. oh well, we'll try again tomorrow!!

the snow

know how I was wishing for snow? well, be careful what you wish for - we went from BONE DRY to 10+ cm of snow in 24 hours. honestly, it's not the actual snow that I have issues with. I like the snow. it's like magic. the whole "leaving in the dark" [aka 7am] and "coming home in the dark" [aka 430pm] seems all a bit less dark with the whiteness of the snow. I actually want to pull out the Christmas tree tonight. magic.

HOWEVER [and you knew that was coming!], I hate how the city of edmonton can't seem to get the graters out. especially on the side streets. I rather dislike driving my little car in this heaping street mess as well. and I especaially dislike how all the truck drivers in this town [and THAT is a high ratio] seem to think that they own the road. and can go any speed they want, regardless of the road conditions. I spent 2.5 hours on the road yesterday [just going to and from school] and hated every minute of it. however, slow and steady wins the race! maybe when we head out today, the roads will be in better shape, but I have no hope for edmonton drivers!!

in other news...
1. I was going to post the pictures of the cards we did last week for the christmas card thingy I hosted. I'll see if I can find them and show them off.

2. I know I haven't talked about weight watchers lately. I've been going fairly regularly, and the scale has stayed pretty much the same since september. I am fighting feeling really discouraged about this. it's been a year since I joined and I am in no way belittling the fact that I am 20lbs lighter than I was last year. I had just hoped for double. thing is, I need to own this. be proud of it. not make light of my accomplishments. and forge ahead. I know this program works for me. and I would love to write a similar post next year saying that I've lost 20 more. so what's holding me back? laziness. my dislike for hard work. my ability to stop talking about it when I don't want to be accountable. boredom. my love of food. my need to feed my stress. you know them all. am I proud of the year I've had? absolutely. I lost a small one-year old off my ass and walked the equivalent of a marathon this year. I did 7 weeks of bikram. I've been going to my exercise every chance I can. I feel better and xl t-shirts are too big. my tendency is to be okay with this. this is my mantra: DO HARD THINGS [get your mind out of the gutter!] it's about doing things that are difficult because all good things come with some seriously hard work.

3. I signed up with norwex.

4. I really am so lucky that I get to go to work everyday with people I respect and care about. I love my job. I love my students. I feel so fortunate to be in this time, in this place, doing what I get to do.

5. we get to make gingerbread houses at my cousins house this afternoon. this is one of my favorite traditions. it's going to be CRAZY fun!

6. have you been watching glee??? why not? the world is being overrun with crap reality shows. support the good stuff! oh, and if you're not already watching it, FNL makes a comeback in Canada in january - you should be watching FNL too!!!

7. gonna take a shower now. oh. maybe I'm out of time. perhaps a hat will do the trick!!