Sunday, October 31, 2010

people who died

L-O-V-E this song!!  it's super old and super great.  I am not a big halloween girl, but heard this on the radio on wednesday and I promptly downloaded it!

speaking of halloween [great segue, eh?  LOL] took the kidlets out and about to collect some treats.  HOLY CANDY, BATMAN!  it was crazy out there.  we have more candy than any family of four needs to ever own.  ty was bumblebee from transformers and nate ditched the skeleton costume in exchange for the ol' hockey jersey for a "hockey player" costume.  and honestly, the weather was phenomenal and the kids went hard for two hours!

and tomorrow is the start of my 60 day challenge.  if I was smart [HA!] I'd get up and exercise before I head to my inservice.  we'll see what time kids fall asleep and what time I can get my arse out of bed.  clean eating and daily exercise, here I come!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

mountain top

new addiction alert:  ANGRY BIRDS.  I am not a game player.  really, I play solitaire on my phone and the odd game of bejeweled.  other than that, I am more of a social media kind of girl. or I listen to music.  games?  not really.  then I discovered angry birds.  I have played this stupidly amazing game for three days solid now.  seriously.  since thursday night.  in all fairness, I was stuck on a level for close to 24 hrs, but still.  playing, playing, playing.  and now I have a headache.  can't imagine why.  could it be that I am stuck on yet another level? 3-6 could be the death of me.  it's not that it's that hard [okay, it is!] but they gave me the wrong birds.  I need my black bomber bird, not the yellow speed bird.  like SERIOUSLY.  man alive.  okay.  done posting.  gonna go play again.

oh, and what time is it?  10:38 and I still hear my kids playing.  damn halloween candy.  tomorrow will be worse.  sigh.

Friday, October 29, 2010

in vain or true

okay, totally DUMB looking video, but I love this version of this song.  it's off the friday night lights soundtrack and I really do love it!

okay, and pics of the halloween costume.  kinda.  the first one is a double exposure black and white of my evidence markers with my sunglasses and handcuffs.  love the artsy look of it!!  the second one is of me in the blond wig.  LOL  yeah.  it's funny too!!  really, you can't see the costume, but that's okay.  the wig is pretty funny in and of itself!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

time warp

so I want to paint my fingernails.  but I really suck at it for a number of reasons.  first, I'm not a details person.  that means that I usually don't notice mistakes.  until it's too late.  second, mistakes bug me...after the fact!  third, I suck at doing ANYTHING with my left hand.  such a good time.  NOT.  and then there is the damn dry time.  I never give nails long enough to dry.  and then they smudge.

okay, it's been 24 hours since I last started this post.  the nails look like crap.  LOL  but I love the dark purple/sparkly black colour.  they will need an update for tomorrow.

so tomorrow is officially the worst school day of the year.  HALLOWEEN!  kids were already hyper today.  so sad.  I, for once in my life, have prepared for halloween well in advance.  I bought a badge and a tshirt in vegas - CSI baby!  so at the halloween store I bought evidence markers, john has a ball cap and I have handcuffs!  it's a pretty decent costume - easy and includes wearing uggs and blue jeans!  L-O-V-E!

so I did something wild and crazy this week.  I signed up at a local gym for a 60 day challenge.  it cost $20 and basically I am committing to 60 days of right eating, exercise and general depravation.  november 1 until december 31.  and I am thinking of committing to a couple of changes - daily movement, no booze [SHOCKING!], and no refined or fake sugar.  the last one could KILL me.  it means no diet soda.  no candy.  no white bread products.  no baking.  no lattes [no gingerbread lattes].  in order to stay sane, I may allow myself to have a couple of free days - christmas day and the odd sunday.  but really, I need to detox my system and get my blood sugar under control.  I use sugar for energy and it's a quick fix, but then I get sluggish and lazy and cranky.  it's a stress thing [understandable!] but now that the stress has decreased, I need to get my butt back into shape.  good times.  tomorrow I go for a body composition thingy - they weigh and measure me.  EEEEKKKK!  and then every second week until it's done.  good thing, I have lots to fix so I could win the challenge...there is a prize, and $500 would be AWESOME.  but really, better than $500 would be a pair of size 12 blue jeans.  that's what I'm aiming for.  september was good, october has been awful and in 60-some days I am hoping for a leaner, meaner me!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

a stone would cry out

did this sam roberts song with my kids today as part of a lesson on figurative language - specifically personification and imagery.  I forgot how wretchedly sad this song is.  and I kept getting distracted by the fact that I could play it on the piano.  okay, I know I could...although I've never tried!!

The cinematic after effects of alcohol
Have led me to believe
That there's nothing more beautiful
Than a face as it starts to fade
From your memory, what had Once been clear as the day
Obscured by the shade

And I was always the thorn to your rose

A long string of disappointing days
Led me to concede that I'd been losing sleep
And I'm tired and frayed at the seams
And things are changing in me
It's been two hard months since I could call you my own
It cuts to the bone
Is there anything that I can do when I've been turned into stone?

But I was always the thorn to your rose
Some doors are better left closed

You move like a rolling wave
One night don't fade when it's gone
Beyond a doubt it gets so hard a stone would cry out

I know there's a lesson in here
But it's so hard to find
I've been searching my mind
A little pearl of wisdom for the later years
When the thread of this life starts to unwind
I never had to fight for my love
But that's over I know
It's just how it goes
I never had to fight for my love
But that's over I know
It's just how it goes

And you move like a rolling wave
One that don't fade when it's gone
Beyond a doubt it gets so hard, it gets so hard
That a stone would cry out
Some doors are better left closed
Some say this place makes it hard to hold your head up
Some days this face makes me feel like I've been set up

see, super sad.  and super full of teenage angst and figurative language!!

and in happier news, my dad went home today.  he's happy to be sleeping in his own bed and eating real food.  what an incredible week.  an enormously stressful, roller coaster week.  SUPER CRAZY!  today I finally felt a bit back to normal.  still haven't started my IPPs, but I guess that's why wednesdays were invented!  I LOVE wednesdays!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

restore me

more photobooth fun [I took these at school this afternoon!].  I'm a dork.  and I got nothing done today.  it was just a lot of fun being in the same room as my students today - hanging out, doing work, catching up.  it's been a while since I've been able to do that with them.  I did not start IPPs.  I did not get coffee on my prep.  I did not get anything done for tomorrow.  but I chatted with my kids and got to be in their space.  my favorite kind of day.  now tomorrow, I really need to be on my game!  yeah, to make up for my slack off day today.  oh well.  tomorrow could be fun.  my head is just not in the game at all, but I do get a lot of joy from my job and a lot of irritation, but it takes my head out of the stress mode.  and right now, it's a blessing.  now legitimately, they are their own stress, but they aggravate me and make me laugh all in one breath.  I am a lucky girl.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


so my dad gets to go home on tuesday.  this is good news.  although I continue to find it extraordinarily difficult to see my dad in the hospital, looking so weak, everyday is better than the last.  it's been a long, long week.  and now I am significantly behind at work, so it'll be an early start tomorrow!!  oh well, such is life.  IPPs are due on friday - that's gonna be my biggest challenge this week.  sigh.

but, tomorrow [and tuesday!] I have club.  I am super excited about that - it's going to be all 3D halloween stuff.  I need to get some candy corn!  and some other candy!!  yeah, so I really haven't made any real decisions yet, but I have some ideas in my head, so it's ALL good!!  all the 3D project have candy involved, so I'm not too worries.  and really, club is about hanging out with the girls and that's really the part I am excited about.

it's a short post.  I'm preoccupied.  my brain is full and disorganized.  I need to get my head sorted out.  fun stuff.

Friday, October 22, 2010


me and stress.  we are not friends.  at all.  I strongly dislike being out of control.  shocking, I know.  and all the hard work I've done with the kids has really derailed.  I am too tired to deal with them.  I get tomorrow night off though, so that's a good thing.  my mother-in-law is going to take them overnight.  sigh.  I love my family.

this is my new app - a photobooth app!!  ty & I had some fun tonight!!!  super fun.  he is a goof, my kid. just like his mom, I suppose.

so I ordered some new boots last week - from the toms website.  okay.  I LOVE these boots.  they are super comfy and easy to wear.  now I want them in black!!  so sad.  alas, I may just get them.  see, I have a significant problem with boots.  THEY NEVER FIT.  my calves are just not small enough to fit into all the cute boots.  and seriously, I like boots.  I like how they look with tights and my denim skirt.  or with capris.  these boots are wrap boots, so the size of my calves can change...and they'll still fit.  see.  there is a method to my madness!!

and in other news, my dad had a good day.  he got some blood today to get his hemoglobin up but he did do a couple of walks around the 4th floor.  I'm on watch tomorrow morning.  hopefully he has a good night.  I suppose I should help John get the kids to bed.  I am so not motivated.  sigh.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

get back up

so, things are looking better for my dad.  he got moved out of ICU this afternoon.  he was asleep the whole time I was at the hospital tonight - still dealing with some sedation issues [different ones from before, but he was a bit wonky, to say the least].  I find this whole thing really surreal.  like it's a glimpse into the future.  the roles we'll each play one day.  the avoider.  the panicked.  the crier.  the organizer.  not too sure where I am in the mix.  it's very strange.  it's like I can see the future.  and I really don't like that.  I definitely do not like my parents getting old.  it SUCKS.

time to cuddle a small boy who is very out of sorts...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

wild world

so just a quick dad made it through surgery needing less complication than expected.  they had expected it to take 8+ hours and he was done at around the 6 hr mark.  they found some other stuff though, so fixed that too.  and then they let him sleep.  they started weaning him off the sedation meds this morning and increasing the pain meds and when I left the hospital at 4 pm, he still had a breathing tube but he was more alert and joking a bit [via sign language].  it's been an incredibly stressful 24 hours and although we're over the big hump, he's still in icu and we're not out of the woods completely.  I don't have the energy to pontificate on much else right now [shocking!], but I know that your continued prayers are felt and appreciated.


ETA:  he's off the ventilator now.  the dr's told my mom NOT to sleep at the hospital tonight [glad they said that - she'll listen to them!].  my dad was talking with her and is now just getting fluids and pain meds. it's looking better.

Monday, October 18, 2010

amazing grace

so it's been a bit of a crazed day.  my dad is in the hospital, as I write this, having major open heart surgery.  I should really be more stressed out than I am.  I am actually just more in a fog.  and I have a massive headache.  I think I've been clenching my teeth for hours.  anyways, there's been a thought in my head all afternoon - in regards to my dad and in regards to my own stuff.  maybe the emotional toll of my dad being sick has got my brain working in a different direction.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

this verse from matthew 11 has been in my head for a long while now [via the message] and it came to me again today.  mainly because I feel so tired.  emotionally and physically.  and in the last few hours, it's almost overwhelming.  I think just due to sheer exhaustion that I am almost ready to just stop moving.  stop thinking.  stop everything.  I have learned something about myself in the last few days and that is how incredibly selfish I am.  it comes out in all sorts of ways, but really I am just selfish.  I like me best.  self-preservation.  and now I want to stop moving instead of always feeling like running away from things.

I read this today at serena's blog:
"The only way to experience sorrow is to let go of self-condemnation. You have to focus on what Jesus did and not on what you did. No matter how long you beat yourself up or try to out-do your bad with good, you’ll never be able to make it go away. The only thing that can make it go away is grace. Self-condemnation is a barrier that feels right, but is detrimental to your spirit."
and although this blog quote has nothing to do with my dad right now, it totally has to do with me right now. I need to feel sorrow in my life. and I need to take the focus off of me. I don't like me right now. but I do like that I have a saviour that has done something incredible for me. I told someone today that I feel for the first time that I am at the foot of the cross. a christian lingo thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies, but it best describes how I feel. like a sinner in need of grace. maybe I have made a bit of progress in this area.

I know that this is all a bit random and without context, but I am tired. in need of real rest - spiritual, not just physical.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

gimme shelter

well, my house is clean.  bathrooms and tubs are scrubbed.  floors are vacuumed.  the boy's rooms are generally organized and I am almost done the third load of laundry this weekend.  I just need to wash the floors, but I needed a break.  so my computer & I have come to hang out at starbucks.  and it's killing me that I didn't bring my earphones because I bought the new fistful of mercy cd and I haven't listened to it yet.  grrr.  it's ben harper and I haven't listened yet.  WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME?  I am distracted.  and have been for a while.  need my groove back.

so I tried out a new picture app - it's called pinpoint camera and it does a cool double exposure thing.  I like this one!!

and then there is the good old standby, the hipstimatic.  I love the finishes on this app and I love how fast it's working on the new phone.  no more delay.  sigh.

and then this one was taken at the airport last week - yes, I am wearing orange stripped socks.  got a complement on them from the security guy when I had to take my boots off to go through the scanner.  good times.  I am still paying the price for tuesday.  my body has not caught up on the sleep.

we started indoor soccer on saturday - nate's first game was at 830 saturday morning.  and I am the proud owner of a soccer card.  good times!!  then this morning I had to be at church at 830 for rehearsal so there was no sleeping in.  oh well.  I am not complaining [really!], just in need of a nap.  perhaps I'll drink up, get home, wash floors, finish the laundry and then just veg on the couch.  and watch all the ace of cakes that I recorded this week.  mmmmm.  duff.  LOL

Friday, October 15, 2010

love in an elevator

I am in love.  I finally got my hands on the iPhone 4.  I had been running 4.0 software on my 3G and they were NOT loving each other.  the main word I'd use to describe the situation was SLOW.  very, very slow.  today I went into my rogers store at lunch time and walked out with upgrades for both John & I.  and now we own FAST.

and then it does something wonderful.  it takes self portraits.  what a great, great thing.  no more random.  so I took some pics of the traffic lights.  aren't they lovely???  LOL  I really like my traffic lights.  and I am even okay with them being traffic lights.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

till the morning

some of my favorite pictures...I didn't edit any of these, just am posting them!  I can't even put my finger on why I love them so much, just do!

coming back this week has been a bit hellish.  let's be honest, it always is.  it's hard to get back into the groove.  and hey, I just don't really want to do laundry and dishes.  but what's new with that, you may ask...NOTHING!!  lol  I know.  shocking.  and on top of getting back into the routine and trying to avoid the general shunning that often occurs after being away for a few days, I've been working in the office this week.  chris is away, so I'm the boss.  seriously.  they left me in charge.  and I tell ya, it's a good, good time!  yeah.  my stress level is through the roof and today I didn't really eat any real food until supper time.  today was packaged oatmeal, coffee and pretzel m&m's.  WRONG.  on so many levels.

insert amazing segue here - andrea asked me if I'd sign up for a 60 day challenge.  an ass-kicking challenge.  and I think I'm saying yes.  we're doing it through her gym so I'll get my ass kicked all the way until christmas.  SWEET!  considering my diet as of late, it might be a really good idea.  and, considering my fairly fragile emotional state, I'm thinking that a focus on my health is a good, good thing.  and this gym has a boot camp thing at 5am.  is it wrong that I am considering joining?  I am sick of this bulge business.  I am seriously sick of the fat.  and I need to get myself motivated again.  things around me are just falling, falling, falling and if I don't take care of myself and make myself feel some serious pain, it will over take me.  the panic attack I had tonight is proof.

change is coming.  and I'm scared.  terrified.  I have made the first step, but I need to take a ton more.  and I'm panicking.  and so I'm having some rum.  some of my 1.4L bottle of mount gay rum that I spent my last $20 on while waiting in the sea-tac airport.  LOL.  cheers!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

blue skies

some really pretty market pictures.  I loved the time we spent in pike place market.  it was really lovely.  and the flowers...WOW!  I wanted some SO badly.  these pictures will have to do the trick!  I love this place!  one of my top ten spots.  in the world.

nothing like you

there may not be words that work here.  I am the owner of some lovely new mugs...and I had a most lovely thanksgiving "triple grande non-fat pumpkin spice latte".  good times!

on the sky

I worshiped at the church of starbucks today.  paid tribute at the counter of the pike place location.  I have pictures.  and will post.  sigh.  LOL

Saturday, October 09, 2010

leave the bourbon on the shelf

the first 24 hours...
okay, so I may have a serious crush on vegas [y'all know about that!] but I am IN LOVE with seattle.  love.  love the architecture.  love the vibe.  this is my first view of pike place market:

seriously cool building additions - like these pipes with things growing.  there is all sorts of building oddities in this town...

and then I broke out the hipstimatic.  way cooler pictures, even though it loves to drain my battery!  this is one of the sewer's also a map of the downtown area.  reminds me of this map thing I saw in ottawa.  why can't edmonton be this cool?

and this is my view from here on a saturday afternoon.  an americano.  lovely.

we did our coffee crawl today and had a great time touring a bunch of independent coffee shops and getting all the coffee folklore from our tour guide.  it was an interesting way to see the city.

we have plans to go to mars hill church tomorrow and I think the space needle is in the plans.  good times!!

Friday, October 08, 2010

smells like teen spirit

some nirvana for y'all.  I am in seattle...!!

it's been a bit of a wonky 24 hrs, but I'm here and I am waiting for erika to come get me!  and it's not raining right now.  grey, yes.  but no rain.  I can live with that.  I have no idea what the plan is for today, but I am totally good with that.  I got some sleep last night.  a better sleep than I've had in a long time.  it's all good.  above all, sleep is my friend.  and I could use a ton more.  I'll get there.

I'll post some pictures later!

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

this time tomorrow

a little bit of the kinks, in perhaps the most appropriate song-title/blog-title in recent history!

love me some kinks.  and I love this song...and I'm having some deja vu since I totally think that we've had this conversation before.  maybe I should be doing some john denver - leavin' on a jet plane!  and guess what the weather forecast is for seattle this weekend?  that's right.  rain.  more rain.  still more rain.  my hair is going to have some SERIOUS issues with this trip.  HA!  bringing along the good product.

good thing that the space needle, the experience music project, nordstrom rack, and starbucks are all good in the rain!  a coffee crawl, well that's going to require an umbrella.  have one in my bag.  it's all good.

so, this time tomorrow, I'll be in the rain [okay, well there is suppose to be sun's to hoping!].  and perhaps there will be some coffee in hand.  it's all good.

I'll talk to y'all on the other side of the 49th!

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

show you how

two more sleeps.  two more teaching days.  two more days of lunches, school work, marking, laundry...I could go on.  and then it will be 5 days of nothing.  nothing except lunch, shopping, visiting, bottles of wine, coffee tours...good times!  I am super excited to meet up with erika and I am super excited to spend some time just with no schedule.  no worries.  sigh.

and then, it'll be back at it.  but I refuse to think about that!!  and in this moment?  I am watching hawaii 5-0 from last week.  and then I'll watch the one from this week.  still having problems with dan's character being played by the guy from ocean's 11, but hey, I'll get over it!!

oh, and in related news, I scored a serious deal on a room at inn at the market.  for two of our four nights, we are staying in what appears to be the coolest place in seattle!  WOOHOO!!   I am pretty excited about being able to score this for at least half of our trip!

okay.  have to focus on my show!!
later skaters!!

Monday, October 04, 2010

sam's town

well apparently I spoke too soon.  getting kids to bed tonight was awful.  so I ran away to the mall for a bit.  I am in a serious hunt for a pair of black slip-on heels.  thought I found them tonight, brought them home and yeah.  a big no-go.  grrr.  so I have to go back tomorrow and return them.  no fun.

and seriously my kids were pushing the buttons tonight.  just super hyper and unable to settle down.  no points.  nothing.  10:00 is WAY too late for them to be going to sleep.  not to mention, but nate did the strangest thing today.  he grabbed his pillow and his stuffy and decided that I was mean and ran down the street in his socks so he could go live at a different house.  I looked out the front bedroom window and he is running up the street and out of view, clutching his pillow.  the neighbours must think we're nuts.  we had the old ones fooled, I'm sure!  yesterday I offered to pack his bag.  he was mad when I didn't really.  sarcasm coming to bite me in the ass.  that's his new thing.  we're mean.  and we hurt his feelings.  um.  YEAH.  that's my job, dude.  so tomorrow it's back to square one.  follow the schedule.  give them some gravol [did I just say that??] and get them to bed at a decent hour.  it just really disintegrates if it's too many nights in a row.  we all need our sleep around here.  me included.  sigh.

so here there lies the on-going saga of the fraser family bedtimes.  stay tuned.  tomorrow I might REALLY help him pack his bag.  and actually drive him to his grandmother's house!!

Sunday, October 03, 2010

sweet talk

I found this in my writing folder.  I wrote it on august 22nd and I felt the need to post it tonight - to remind myself.  to remember the why.  sometimes it's just good to be reminded.

I've been thinking. and these words won't leave my head. I'm thinking it's a good thing.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
was blind but now I see.

maybe it's the story behind the hymn that's having a bigger impact on me right now. john newton wrote this song in 1773 after a career in the north atlantic slave trade. he experienced a spiritual conversion that changed the course of his life. legend tells it that after he studied theology that he met a young wilber wilberforce, the political force behind the british abolition of the slave trade.

all that to say this. if john newton, a slave ship captain, could find grace, I can too. grace is for me. 

there is another hymn that really has resonated with me lately - in christ alone:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

still working through all of it, but I feel like there hope. hope for this really sinful, wretched soul. I think I'll be okay. because of grace.

move away

I may be out of brandon flowers song titles, but I have about 30 that I can use by the killers!!  random facts, I know.


#1  "the plan" is STILL working!  the bedtime drama has been at a minimum and it's feeling like we're finding a rhythm.  and this is good.  more sleep for them is more downtime for me and both lead to happier people.  them and me.  they each have 9 points right now, so tomorrow could be toy buying day.  fun stuff!!  [I am not complaining.  it's working...]

#2  the tattoo.  it looks more like traffic lights than anything else.  sheesh.  only I would have this issue.  it's about the order of the colours - red, orange, blue.  only, because it's healing, my colours guessed, yellow, green.  I am a good, good time.  LOL

#3  there is no number three.

HOWEVER, I did get a pedicure today.  my sister does a kick-ass job.  and she did my eyebrows.  I feel rather normal for once.  hair is black again.  eyebrows match.  grey is gone.  seriously, getting older is WAY too high maintenance.

4 more sleeps.  hehehe!!

Friday, October 01, 2010

bells of 59

so I did it.  out of the blue.  went today and got a tattoo.  back of my neck, three coloured dots.  red, orange & light blue.  I know, sounds strange.  trust me, it's all good!  ...  my wee ellipses.  it's all sorts of symbolic for me.  the ellipses in my world of language arts and punctuation is a sorta "to be continued" thing.  I feel like in this stage of my life, it's good to be reminded that I'm not at a finished point yet.  things are still happening.  I'm still happening.  then the colours - red for canada, orange representing my dutch heritage and blue is for the boys.  although VERY swollen when I saw it, I LOVE IT!  I'll post a picture once it heals.

and yes, it really, really hurt!  found out after the fact [from my hairdresser] that the top of my back/base of my neck is one of the more painful places to get a tattoo.  shocking.  I think it's funny that although tyler, my tattoo guy, knew it was my first tattoo, knew I was super nervous, and never once let on that the entire seven minutes were going to hurt so badly!!

anyways, john doesn't know yet...could be fun to show him!!!