Tuesday, November 29, 2011

lonely boy

listening to some early release tracks of the new black keys album.  I'm pretty excited about this new music; their first single, lonely boy, ROCKS.

I know I haven't blogged in a while.  I've seriously had my brain full of school stuff.  and ty has been giving me a run for my money lately.  and for my wonderful six year old, it's been a november full of 11:00 sleep times.  yeah.  this started after the time change.  coincidence or conspiracy?  yeah.  my thoughts too.  needless to say, I took him to the doctor and she suggested melatonin.  it's made a world of difference.  like tonight.  both kids asleep BEFORE 9:30.  it's like I can just sit and take in the silence.  no fighting.  no drama.  no tears.  just silence.  sweet, sweet silence.  {oh, except for the black keys!}

a couple things in my head.  random and slightly related.

I leave for vegas on friday.  less than a week until I'm walking another 21k.  13.1 miles.  I have to get use to changing up the distance.  it's totally throwing me off.  today I did my last training walk.  3 miles {aka 4.8km} in 45 minutes.  this is good.  my dad said that if I did that entire race that fast that I'd be finishing in 3:15.  that said, I don't think I can maintain that pace, but it won't stop me from trying.  at least in the first half!  between the illusion of the distance that is ALWAYS vegas and the miles/km conversion, I'm going to be all "off".  but hey, my shoes are packed with my imodium.  trust me.  I'm not with my mom this time and I need to have ALL my bases covered!!!

so are you watching "the new girl" on fox?  WHY NOT???  I have a soft spot for the strangeness that is jess.  that said, a couple of episodes ago there was a conversation between jess and cece about your affections lying where your feet point {or something about that}.  then today, I was talking at a pd session with a principal who was trying to prioritize some things with his staff and the words "where are your feet pointing" came out of my mouth.  and I proceeded to talk about if you are pointed in a direction, any decisive direction, that your budget, your decision making, your priorities must all point in the same direction or you run the risk of exposing your inauthenticity.

and now I've been thinking.  about the truth in that statement.  and the fact that my feet and the rest of my life have been pointing in different directions.  and it's created a discontent in my soul.  a disharmony.  I've been saying one thing, and doing another.  and then I wonder why I can't get it together.  and honestly, I don't know what needs to move - my feet or the rest of me - but something needs to.  something is really not lining up in my life and I am feeling some clarity in a way I haven't felt in a long time.  and yes, alignment has began in small ways as of late, or perhaps my heart was just being prepared for some movement.  for some discontent to change and morph into something a little more authentic.  for contentment to have a season in my life.  I don't know how this all looks, and I'm sure I'm not going to love how this all feels, but I am excited to have a few days alone with John in vegas so that we can make a plan to get back on track - health/diet wise, financially, as parents, and as help-mates that are forging this road together to build a good and decent life for the "four fraser family" {as the natester calls us}.

alignment.  authenticity.  change.

where do your feet point?  are all your resources heading in that same direction?

Friday, November 18, 2011

{I can't get no} satisfaction

so, I hit a treadmill twice this week.  45 minutes of interval training.

in exactly two weeks I'll be in vegas.  two weeks + two days = marathon day.  EEEEEKKKKK!  I have a plan though, and it's going to mean a tough, seriously intense two weeks from HELL.  starting tomorrow, no sugar.  two weeks.  no booze.  two weeks.  6 days a week of hunting down some time and a treadmill to hit those intervals.  two weeks.  fourteen days.

oh, and I'll need to get my report cards done too.  oh, and john will have some shifts in there...

thank goodness for susan.  and her basement.  with the treadmill.  just down the street and around the corner.

I'm feeling the stress, but that's okay.  because in two weeks I'll have some time to chill with john.  report cards will be done and I'll be in the right shape to kick this race DOWN.

and now I'm going to try sleeping off some pretty sore legs...

Monday, November 14, 2011

you can't always get what you want

tomorrow is John's birthday.  he's on nights, so the boys and I created this video for him:

happy 39th birthday, sweetie.  although we're sad that you have to work on your birthday, we made you some cupcakes and they're in the fridge just for you.  carrot cake, your fave.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

ruby tuesday

so something interesting has happened this weekend.  I have an enormous amount of deadlines at work, so I came home with all the work {it's still in my bag!}.  instead, I chose another path.  I've had a bit of a theory for some time {thanks to glen erickson like 20 years ago talking about this at a youth camp that involved some crazy people and crazy singing other crazy things}.  and it's all about needing to be filled up so that we can give of ourselves.  it's kinda a biblical principal and the way that I generally live my life.  and somehow, in the last while, I've forgotten about this.  yes, I've carved out some time for me - I've gone and taken some breaks from the crazy - but somehow it hasn't been working.  and I think I know why.

this weekend, a series of unforeseen decisions and unexpected invitations have created a bit of rest in a different way.  a coffee date with a friend.  a meal with other friends, new friends, where all four boys go and play and we sit with wine, food, hockey and pizza.  and we talk.  creating community.  filling my soul again.  repeat today.  lunch with a friend.  dinner with another friend and her girls {both of our husbands are on nights} where it's just comfortable.  creating community over wine and laughs and food.

it's been a weekend of cuddles with small boys and sleeping in.  a weekend of snowfall, the first of the season.  a weekend of pots of coffee and csi re-runs.  a weekend of hockey games and football games.

as I continue to ignore the work in my bag, I know that this weekend I just needed some filling up.  some community to surround and strengthen me.  so that monday can come and I can be fierce again.

tomorrow I get to surround myself with more community when I step foot in my church.  the relationships are different there, but it's still a place where I belong.  a place that fills me when they don't even realize they're doing it.  with a smile.  a hello.   peace given and received.  and bring on monday, I'll be ready to give my heart again.  it's getting stronger.  fuller.  better.  when I didn't even recognize what a lonely, empty heart it had become.

grace when I least expect it.

Friday, November 11, 2011

gimme shelter

I'm trying to muster the energy to write about something more interesting than how exhausted I am!!  that said, I am sitting on the couch - drinking coffee, watching csi reruns [I think 2005 is my favourite season!] and watching the boys play "army".  and in this moment, I feel compelled to explore the gratitude I am feeling.

taking a pause.

in the pause, remembering that I get to freely write anything I want, with whatever religious, gender based bias I choose, because someone sacrificed their life for this freedom.  we hosted a most amazing remembrance day ceremony at school yesterday and it forced me to a take a pause.  as I ate lunch with a father of one of our students, a master-corporal,  I took pause.  as I listened to the stories of another parent and the stories of students whose parents are still in afghanistan, I took pause.  I am grateful.  for those who fought in world wars, for those who fight now.  for those who came home and for those who don't.  for those who come home broken visibly and invisibly.  I am thankful.  

politically, I have mixed views on war, especially the kind that has occurred in my lifetime; and definitely mixed views on the government that makes all of these decisions.  but today that doesn't matter.  my family chose to come to canada because of the sacrifice that canadian soldiers made in the netherlands during ww2.  I have friends that have gone to war and come home, some broken, some not.  and I have students who are waiting for family to come home.  and for all of this sacrifice, I am grateful.  because it's closer to home than I think.

Thursday, November 03, 2011


600 - up, after reading emails.  I know today is going to be emotional.
640 - in my car heading to starbucks
650 - on the road - the new road - the one that has cut my travel time in half.
710 - at my desk in my dark classroom, music playing; lots of work got done!
820 - parent phone call {just a bit intense!}
840 - school starts
845 - crying girl, worried about how she's going to make it through the weekend without being yelled at.
845 - everyone else coming into the classroom, getting ready for their day
940 - different girl, giving me the low-down on the girl "drama" going on...
1130 - lunch supervision.  'nuff said.
210 - kids leave
230 - staff meeting
400 - start of parent-teacher interviews
700 - end of parent-teacher interviews
720 - at church ready to play the piano for the prayer service
730 - gathering in community to pray for one of our own.  for healing.
830 - heading back to starbucks to calm the emotion.  this time, a gingerbread latte.
845 - home.  hugs for small boys, remembering to take in all the moments
859 - downstairs in the craft room packing up to take my stamping show on the road
1030 - kids are sleeping, john's carried all my stuff up the stairs, overnight bag is packed.  computer open.

not a typical day, but a day.  ups, downs, all arounds.

then I read THIS.  and am fighting tears.  I know it's all the stress, emotion, crazy, tired, pms from the day, but it hits deep.  so I get up and go take a moment to watch the small children sleep and get a hug from John.  and know that I get to love fiercely because I am loved and because my heart has been wrecked by love.  and I get to live because I have fallen hard.  sung terribly.  wrote crap.  feared all.  and in that, I get to live out grace.  and know I am blessed.