Sunday, October 28, 2012

carry me home

you all with perfect eyesight aren't really going to get this metaphor, but I'm going to use it anyways...'cause it's the best way to describe what I'm feeling today.

I used to be super blind.  no glasses equaled full-on handicapped functioning.  I had to squint to see the alarm clock and all of it's bright red lights.  the only reason to go without glasses back then was to put on my make up.  I could see close up, but not far away.  I wore huge pop-bottle-like glasses and hard contact lenses.  it was pretty ridiculous.  when I was 24 or 25 my eye doctor told me that I need to stop wearing contacts - that they were wrecking my eyes.  at that point I made the decision to have eye surgery and my vision was corrected to better than 20/20.  talk about a radical change!  it took months for me to get used to seeing that darn alarm clock.  my sight was perfect.

and then, ever so slowly, over the next 10 years, my eyes began to change.  my corneas continued to reshape and my eyesight began to fade.  it never went back to what it was.  I wear glasses now {okay, well mainly contacts!} but I can function without them.  my eyes are still bad, but not like they were...not even close.

this is how I feel my life has been.  seasons of complete blindness {like my 20s? ha!}.  seasons of clarity and vision.  and seasons of that in between - like I can see but I should put my glasses on.  not as bad as it used to be.  but not as good as it could be.  and that's where I am right now.  in the in between.  and I need to put my glasses back on.  I feel an air of ominous lingering over my life.  like a hovering warning.  "PUT THE DAMN GLASSES ON...'cause there's a piece of lego hiding in the carpet and you're going to step on it!"

I know what I need to do.  I don't want to do it.  every fibre of my being knows the right way to turn and yet I want to hold on to an illusion.  I'm holding on to blindness because seeing is scary.  it sounds silly, doesn't it.  'cause it is.  so this week, I am going to make seven drastic changes to the way I do business.  some I'll share with you and some I won't, but trust me when I say that for the first time in a really, really long time I feel like I'm not alone.  and that I have the courage to see clearly again.

and some crazy reckless love.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

from here on out

it's been too long.  and the last three weeks have been a blur.  I've been sick this week, so I don't have the emotional fortitude to be very deep, but I do have pics.  lots of these I share on twitter {@corifraser} or facebook and instagram {corifraser}, but honestly, it's a good way to chronicle my life...and remember where I've been in the last three weeks!

 {my office - my view every morning - I spend a lot of time in this space.  it's a good space though and for the most part, I love my job and I'm so incredibly grateful for the people I get to fight in the trenches with.  I totally get how lucky I am.}

 {I just like this picture - my blinged out lanyard with yoda attached!}
 {this kid loves this game.  we waited a long time to jump on the hockey train and somedays I have to work on not resenting the time commitment, but that smile says it all.  and you couldn't wipe it off his face when he scored his first goal last front of his grandparents, aunt & uncle and cousins.}

 {this was part of "crazy thursday".  ha!  it was read-in week at school, so a couple of the edmonton eskimos came to read to our kids.  plus it was grandparent's day in the elementary classrooms...oh, and our big grand opening that night!  super crazy and a ton of fun when all was said and done.}

 {number 9.  playing defence.}

 {wasn't loving the 645 ice time last sunday.  no wonder I've been sick this week!}

 {voice or no voice, I do love having this job once a month on a sunday morning.  last sunday was rock solid in every way and I am so grateful that I get to be a part of it.}

{and just so no one thinks that nate's been neglected...we've been through a whirlwind with him in the last three weeks.  on one of his best friend's recommendation, he was asked to try out for a u12 rep/club soccer team.  although he's a bit young for the team and I know darn well that if they were only filling two spots with the three kids that showed up, he wouldn't have made the cut.  that said, they had room for him and were willing to take a chance on poor boy who was WAY too nervous that night!  so now we're up a level and into far more skill development than just community soccer...which means two 90 minute practices per week and a soccer schedule that I haven't seen yet.  so this week, ty & I dropped nate off at practice and we went to grab a coffee!}

{and today, the morning after one of the worst fridays in recent history - at school - I have the killers playing in my ears, a sinus headache that doesn't want to leave, kids in pjs playing pokemon & watching dumb tv, drinking coffee and just being grateful for our "four-family".  in the same room.  grateful for my boys.  for a house that keeps us warm and protected from the wind and snow.  for food in my fridge.  and that I can love on my kids so they always know how loved they are.  so grateful.}