Sunday, October 28, 2012

carry me home

you all with perfect eyesight aren't really going to get this metaphor, but I'm going to use it anyways...'cause it's the best way to describe what I'm feeling today.

I used to be super blind.  no glasses equaled full-on handicapped functioning.  I had to squint to see the alarm clock and all of it's bright red lights.  the only reason to go without glasses back then was to put on my make up.  I could see close up, but not far away.  I wore huge pop-bottle-like glasses and hard contact lenses.  it was pretty ridiculous.  when I was 24 or 25 my eye doctor told me that I need to stop wearing contacts - that they were wrecking my eyes.  at that point I made the decision to have eye surgery and my vision was corrected to better than 20/20.  talk about a radical change!  it took months for me to get used to seeing that darn alarm clock.  my sight was perfect.

and then, ever so slowly, over the next 10 years, my eyes began to change.  my corneas continued to reshape and my eyesight began to fade.  it never went back to what it was.  I wear glasses now {okay, well mainly contacts!} but I can function without them.  my eyes are still bad, but not like they were...not even close.

this is how I feel my life has been.  seasons of complete blindness {like my 20s? ha!}.  seasons of clarity and vision.  and seasons of that in between - like I can see but I should put my glasses on.  not as bad as it used to be.  but not as good as it could be.  and that's where I am right now.  in the in between.  and I need to put my glasses back on.  I feel an air of ominous lingering over my life.  like a hovering warning.  "PUT THE DAMN GLASSES ON...'cause there's a piece of lego hiding in the carpet and you're going to step on it!"

I know what I need to do.  I don't want to do it.  every fibre of my being knows the right way to turn and yet I want to hold on to an illusion.  I'm holding on to blindness because seeing is scary.  it sounds silly, doesn't it.  'cause it is.  so this week, I am going to make seven drastic changes to the way I do business.  some I'll share with you and some I won't, but trust me when I say that for the first time in a really, really long time I feel like I'm not alone.  and that I have the courage to see clearly again.

and some crazy reckless love.

No comments: