Sunday, November 10, 2013

shot at the night

there is a close dance between night and day.  between winter and spring.  between grief and hope.  when is that moment when you can say, "yes! there is more light than dark!"?  I would argue it depends on which direction you're looking.  when your feet are pointing east, you see it first.  that pink, red, orange hue coming up as a warning to the sun.  the dance.  slight, varying moments in our lives that take it from dark to light and then into darkness again.  so much not at our doing.  so much of the spinning of this earth taking it's toll.  its years.  its moments.

but the things I know to be true remain.  the human story is one of resilience.  and redemption.  and forgiveness.  I'd like to think that my feet are pointing east, yet I await.  I feel like I'm sitting in the dark, just waiting.  and apparently I'm totally over thinking things.  shocking.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post.  I had an odd dream last night and I woke up feeling sad.  disappointed.  irritated.  I hate that.  I've been sick the last couple of days and the amount of work piling up is a bit crazy.  hence the strange dream.  darn cold meds!  it could also be that the sun hasn't made an appearance in days.  I see the clouds are breaking up right now, but the grey does change my mood.

in a couple of hours I get 24 hours of a kid-less house.  I need to work on report cards more than anything in the world, but really I just want to sit.  and I want to wish that all would be well in the world.  that my friends who are the kindest, most giving people find fulfilling relationships.  that my friends that would be the most absolute wonderful parents ever would be able to have healthy pregnancies.  that the sting of death would be less.  that change would move people from a place of insecurity and loss to a place of growth and hope.  that the biggest risk that one of my friends is wanting to take will lead to some peace.  I wish I could take my magic wand and just make the world better for all of them.

and that I'd just be able to choose joy.  today.  tomorrow.  forever.  without hesitancy or fear.  remembering that the night isn't forever.  joy comes in the morning.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

dead for the day

I have no voice.  okay, well I have a bit of a raspy bit of loveliness, but I really have nothing.  my chest is heavy and the cough deep, so it's been a day of coffee, the voice - the blind rounds, facebook and NOT TALKING.  oh, and John bought me a blizzard.  what a good man.  so I am not a reality show watching kinda girl.  I like my crime dramas.  I watch the chew - ck, baby.  freakin' fabulous.  and the voice.  I had 14 episodes sitting on my pvr and today I needed the inspiration.  music is my jive.  yes, I may be home on a couple of sick days, but emotionally I've needed a break as well.  I kinda eluded to it in my last post, but things have been a bit nuts in my world lately.  and not even for me, but for the people I love most.

loss.  pain.  disappointment.  hurt.  it's tentacles have touched me in direct and indirect ways.  mainly indirect.  but it's my peeps that are being touched directly, so it's me too.  does that make sense?  breakups, death, miscarriages, relationship crap, more death.  for real.  all since the beginning of october.

so I have a very unique job.  I say it often, but I am the most blessed person in the world.  I get to go to work every day with people I adore.  love.  admire.  and I get to be the go-to person in my building.  and I don't say that in an arrogant way, but I sit in a most lovely office that just begs people to come in, take a chair and pour their hearts out.  and it's my privilege to hear their stories.  it's a privilege to laugh with them and cry with them.  it really is.  but like I said, my office has seen more tears than laughter lately.  I feel it all, I've walked it all with them.  so my heart is heavy at news that one of my dear friends has again today experienced another loss.  we can't seem to get a win.

I know in my soul that joy comes in the morning.  that the sun rises again.  spring always comes.  hope.  it's there.  I just need to get healthy.  physically and emotionally.  to refill my soul so I have something to give.  it's what I'm good at.  it's what I am so lucky to be able to do every day.  self care is what I preach, yet I often forget to take my own advice.  so today is about taking care of me.  hence my pjs, hours and hours of the voice {and some AMAZING music, by the way!}, lots of coffee and my couch.    and I'm going to hit the repeat button tomorrow.

this song came across my fb feed this morning.  it made me smile, just because dave grohl is playing the drums.

Saturday, November 02, 2013

time warp

so first, if you've been checking up on me to see if I'm still around, thank you.  it's been just over two months since my last post and I'm sorry for not being around.  that said, apparently I've been on an accidental sabbatical.  or maybe not so accidental if you believe in "everything happening for a reason".  I did not begin september with the idea of taking a writing break, but as we head into november, a break was taken for me.  alas, rest.  kinda.  I could make the argument that spending some time blogging each day would have created less stress, but time is perhaps the thing that has been against me for the last while.

I can't remember the last time that a school start up has been this draining.  it's been busy in the past - I'll site last year on that front - but this has just been damn exhausting.  I am in bed at least one night a week, by 730/800.  and I sleep soundly for 10+ hrs.  that is unheard of in my world.  until now.  so sometimes taking care of myself and my boys becomes ridiculously important.  so there's my explanation.  thanks for sticking with me though.

so, I've had somethings on my heart lately, and they're too much for me to hold close.  I need to talk them out.  write them out.  process.

the changes I've had to go through in the last six months have been overwhelming.  they've all been work related, but considering I spend almost half of my day at work, well it's a pretty big thing.  there is nothing like huge change to develop some "in the field" research on how people deal with change.  how I deal with change.  I suck at it.  outwardly I'm really good at it, so people would say.  inwardly, I suck.

what I know to be true is that every change comes some sort of loss.  loss requires grieving.  and from the ashes, one must arise again.  hopefully a different person.  hopefully a better person.  unfortunately, often loss breaks people.  I am in the middle of a season that requires me to experience restoration.  hope.  joy.  it will come in the morning.  the sun always rises.  even on a season of dark loss.  this I know to be true.

I have a whole post on this.  I just need to mull it around in my head a bit more.

it's good to be back.