Sunday, June 26, 2011


the home stretch.  the end.  it's totally in sight.  it's been a long, difficult year - but rewarding.  my profession is a difficult one.  emotional.  draining.  lots of payout with sometimes little in return.  but as I was watching my all time favourite tv show {friday night lights} last night, I realized that all the sacrifice and hard work is worth it.

I do this job for kids who do not have parents that care.  for kids who feel unheard.  for kids that don't have an advocate.  for kids that struggle.  and sometimes I lose sight of that.  I wish I could insert my favourite tami taylor teacher moment here.  she's my new hero.  and I am glad that for once, a tv show is portraying my profession in a realistic way.  if you've watched season 5, you'll know what I'm talking about.  but the whole story arc between tami and epyck is something I totally get.

I started this post on wednesday last week already, but I've been too tired to sit down and finish it.  even as I sit here tonight, my entire train of thought has been lost.  regardless, I think you get the point.  maybe.

so I chickened out of weight watchers yesterday.  I don't do that often, but I didn't have the heart to pay money, only to be told I was up 2lbs.  you heard me.  up.  grrr.  totally my fault.  but still.  so today, I walked 13 km {some 8+ miles!!} and had two hours to have a little chat with myself about why and how I sabotage myself.  I didn't come up with any answers, but I am reminded about my inability to deal with stress.  and last week {okay, so the last two weeks} has been up there in the stress department.  I can't say no to sweets, sugar, ice cream, yummy-gooey-happy-chocolatey things when I am too tired and stressed to think.  so this week, I am going to try again, but with a plan.  get back to my walking {the weather is suppose to be nicer}, be in bed before 11pm and avoid sugar.  it's a plan that works.  but it's a plan that means that I need to pack my lunches.  it's a plan that requires work, and planning.  and it's a plan that requires sleep.

that said, I'm going to fold some laundry and get to it.  those two pounds that I gained are all in serious bloat, so they had better be gone, and more, soon.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

daddy's eyes

1.  happy father's day.  you know, to all those fathers who read my blog.  I fall into the fortunate.  I have an amazing dad and so do my kids.  I am incredibly grateful for that.

2.  although I did not go to weight watchers on saturday, I did step on a scale.  and I was down a whopper of a pound.  it brings me to -10.  I am happy.

3.  it was ty's birthday on saturday.  my baby is 6.  it was a crazy day.  our outdoor ball hockey party was forced indoors due to the rain.  I'll post some pictures this week, but we ended up moving the party into the shipping/receiving area of my dad's bakery and it was AWESOME!  the kids had so much fun.  I was exhausted, but it was totally worth it.

4.  I continue to have an incredible amount of work to do this week.  I did nothing this weekend.  and I will pay the price tomorrow.  sigh.

5.  and I'm watching 'letters to juliet' right now.  because I love italy.  and I'm procrastinating.  like always.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

tears and rain

looks like I need a kick in the pants.  I typically need lots of them.  so I'm linking up.  joining the movement.  becoming one of THEM.  ha!

the lovely mandy posted a comment the other day that resounded with me.  yes.  someone actually does comment occasionally!!  she said:  "Also, solid effort + solid effort + solid effort + solid effort = consistency. :)"

THAT makes sense.  she may not get the whole metric thing, but she's a smart girl.  sunday was a solid effort day.  monday was pretty decent too.  tuesday, not so much so.  wednesday's lunch included a donut. you get the picture.  so tomorrow, it's back to a solid effort.  'cause saturday is my weigh-in day.  and darn it all, I'd like to reach that elusive -10.

short term goals?
1.  down 8lbs by my birthday.  less than four weeks.  EEEEEKKKKK!!!  I would LOVE to go into year 39 weighing less than I ever remember weighing in my adult life.  gonna move it, move it.  and string some solid efforts into some consistency.

2.  I am walking a half marathon with my mom and sister on august 21st.  we want to do a 10 minute km.  that's a 3.5 hour completion.  I would be happy with that.

3.  and it's 12 weeks until labour day?  there's a skirt in my closet that I want to wear on the first day of school.  'nuff said.  it's a size 12.

4.  I am going to take some "before" pictures, but they won't see the light of day until labour day.  then I'll post the before and after pics.  I promise.

5.  and most importantly, I am going to book an appointment with my counsellor and start dealing with my stress a bit better.  I need help carrying this load.  and historically, that gets me into trouble.  you know, when I try to do it ALL on my own.  gonna try being proactive for once in my life.

oh, and on the whole comment thing, if anyone knows how to set up the comments on blogger so that I can comment back, HELP!!  otherwise, please know that I read them all and try to mention them in subsequent blog posts!!

I love you all for taking the time to read...even those who comment in their heads!!!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

fight outta you

we're in the final stretch, boys and girls.  I may not have any motivation.  I may have a kid with a birthday on saturday.  I may have 27 IPPs to complete by friday {individual program plans - one each for the kids in my class} and I just may have report cards to write.  that said, two weeks from today, the kids will be gone for the summer.  but it is the final stretch.  I can do this, right?

but at what expense?  I am going to be spending my summer making it up to my kids.  making cookies instead of buying them.  cooking food instead of mcdonalds {for a kid} and sushi {for the mom}.  I'm going to spend 13 hours in the car with them so that we can go to our favourite vacation spot and create some new memories.  I'm going to turn the phone off and take off my watch.  and invest in my kids.  I'm not good at this, at this time of year.  it sucks when your mom is a teacher.  and she can't go to the kid-who-got-an-award + parent special pizza lunch.  and she can't come on the last day of school to help you pack up your desk and drive your stuff home.  but on the flip side, she's too tired to care that you're up and riding your bike at 9 pm every night in june!!

so yes, it's busy. and yes, I'm not winning any awards in the "best mom" category.  but there are only two more weeks.  and they are learning how to just hold on for the ride!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

over the rainbow

we walked 10 km today {that's 6.2 miles for all you non-metric people out there!}.  in just over a 110 minutes.  that's a solid pace.  a ten minute kilometre.  and it's been a day predominately without sugar.  not perfect, but a solid effort.

and now I'm tired.  {shocking, I know!}  see the bags under my eyes.  sigh.  if I packed lunches for small children right now, that would be one more thing off my list.  so I guess it's off the arse and back to it!

how was your weekend??

Saturday, June 11, 2011


epic fail.  okay, maybe I'm being slightly dramatic!  I was down .5 today for a total of 9 lbs in what?  oh yeah.  15 weeks.  that's definitely less than my target of two pounds per week!  however, when I look at WHAT I ate this past week, it all makes sense.  and I am just grateful for the minus, since I deserved a plus!  and still, 9 lbs is not too shabby - that's the size of a large baby.  just gone.  off my ass.  okay, not my ass, but you know what I mean.  and there is a mere four weeks until my birthday, so it's time to kick it up a notch.  I'm aiming for those elusive two pounds a week for a total of 8.  that would be good.  the question is, am I willing to put in the work necessary to make it happen?  I want to say YES!  {with a resounding bit of determination} but the truth is that we are heading into the last two weeks of school and I don't know if I have the fortitude to stick with it.

that said, my mom is back in town so she'll get my butt moving on our long walk tomorrow. 10km.  and this week, I need to just get out there and do it.  get my time in on my shoes.  not too sure if this whole "no sugar" thing is something I have energy for.  if not, I'm not going to stress.  I'm just going to go back to the basics of tracking and eating my 5-6 small meals a day, combining a complex carb with a protein.  it's what works for me.  I bought tons of fresh veg at the market today, so I'll start there.  I can do this.  I can kick eight pounds of lard to the curb before my birthday.  I can go into my 39th year on this planet stronger, thinner and healthier than I've ever been.  {okay, all this self-motivating talk is tempting me into  going back to no sugar...grrr!}  I'm not going to commit to that right now, but I know it's what I need to do.  maybe I just take it day by day.

Monday, June 06, 2011


well, THAT was a disaster!  and I am fighting the old feelings of failure and defeat.  but like I told ty during a soccer game last week, "you need to fight back by getting in the game and scoring some goals".  and this was after he got pushed by another kid on the other team.  and this is me talking myself down of the ledge of "throwing in the towel".  my usual m.o. is to just quit everything because I had a couple of bad days.  but dude.  I need to take my own advice and just get back in the game.  today, I just stuck to my points and gave up on the sugar thing.  fighting this sugar battle during a high stress + pms week is just not honouring my body.  or my mind.  so today I just tracked everything.  and I am not going to throw in the towel, I am just going to get up and try again tomorrow.  and that in and of itself is a victory.  the psychological hurdles are so much higher than the physical ones.  and I need to focus on the positive - like I went into a store today and bought a dress {yeah, I know.  a dress}.  and I bought a large.  not an extra large.  a large at a regular store.  and a medium cardie.  I didn't even look at the size until I got home.  and it says medium.  so yes, I "perhaps" have had a rough go with cutting out sugar. but tonight I'm going to celebrate the successes.  with a cinnamon bun.  'cause a carrot stick just doesn't cut it!!  {and every bit of those 8 points was worth it!}

Thursday, June 02, 2011

no arrows

well, day one wasn't awful.  but it wasn't great either.  there was some ice cream tonight.  and a rum + diet coke just an hour ago.  but other than that, it wasn't awful.  an okay first day.  I am having some emotional eating issues in the last 24 hours.  I am trying not to think too much and therefore distracting myself with food.  there have been some fairly significant kid issues at school this week and some are just hitting a bit too close to home.  I am pms'ing big time and the combination of this type of stress and hormones are creating a bit of a perfect storm.  I mean, I had mcdonalds for the first time in FOREVER on tuesday night.  a two cheeseburger meal.  and I don't even eat beef.  I suspect I will pay the price on the scale on saturday. that said, I am due for a long walk tomorrow.  and a salad.  I am craving these two things.  sigh.

in other news, we have grass!  {yes, this news deserves it's own line!!}

and I get to accompany the grade 9s out to camp for the day tomorrow {we get to go to nakamun!!}.  a day away from "the building" will suit me just fine.  there are just some stressors that are not good for my spirit.  and I feel just very heavy with information I am carrying.  I know I'm being vague.  I have to be.  but if you are the praying sort, pray that I have words to speak and the instinct to know when to speak them.  as hard as today was, I know more than ever, that I am where I am suppose to be for this moment.  but in knowing that, I also feel helpless.  I am not seeing hope right now.  perhaps some sunshine and a day outdoors in a beautiful camp will change some of that.  tonight I ate some ice cream and drank some rum just to distract myself from thinking.  tomorrow I'll get in a canoe and work my body hard.  and perhaps the need for tonights "medicine" will not be needed tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

twist the knife

lots of miscellaneous tonight.  the last post was a tad heavy.  this one, well hopefully not so much!

1.  LOVE this picture!  that's my boy --- in action!  it's been a tough, tough week.  John is on days {7am to 7pm} and so I am ON.  getting the boys up and dressed and out of the house.  work all day.  pick up the kids.  feed the kids.  get them to soccer.  I am SO tired.  one more day!

2.  I've been avoiding posting this week because I know that I need to fix my intake/inhaling of food that has mysteriously occurred over the last few days.  no seriously.  so starting tomorrow, I'm challenging myself to a 2.5 week no-sugar/low carbs challenge.  from tomorrow until june 17th.  so what's that?  16 days?  yeah.  I've totally over done it in the last 48 hours and I feel like shit.  and it started after I walked the other night.  on monday night I went for a walk and I did 7.5km.  by myself.  and I felt good.  and motivated.  and it's all fallen apart since then!  so tomorrow, I start again.  and YOU are my accountablilty.  I'll keep you posted on my daily progress, because I know I am going to have a big fat headache tomorrow.  yippie.

3.  and when all is said and done, I am really hoping that my mom-in-law will take the boys on friday night {yes, overnight} because I am too exhausted to even think.  it's been a terribly emotional week {kid stuff happening at school...} and I need to refill me.  I need to go to the market alone on saturday.  I need a night out with my husband on friday night.  I need to nap.  and finish my book.  and be refreshed before I tackle the last 3 weeks of school.

good times!