Friday, November 02, 2012

stubborn love

y'all know my titles are song titles, right?  well the lumineers have been toping the playtime on my iPod as of late.  LOVE.  they make for some good thinking music.  so hunker down.  it's a long one tonight. oh, and I'm on meds - buckleys AND antibiotics; if stuff makes less sense than normal, well it's my normal for today...a little left of centre!!

so this week has been the start of a season of purging and fasting.  and full-on chest cold from hell.  eff.

on sunday I offered up a challenge to myself: "seven drastic changes" is what I called it.  heck if I know where I got the number seven from.  maybe just one for each day of the week!  and today, looking back, I'm not sure if seven was the correct number, but the effort has been there.

the purge:
I hold on to things.  physical and emotional.  this week has brought a conscious effort to purge my heart, more than anything, but it has been kick started by my drive to purge "the stuff".  the physical purge is one that I need help doing.  the garage is FULL of boxes that have been sitting there for 2+ years.  they need to be sorted through, purged and re-packed.  it's been on my to-do list for almost 6 months, but I can't do it alone.  it's just stuff.  stuff that I don't need, but it belongs to me, so it's my job.  john and I have an official plan that is going to work.  I don't know why it takes me so long.  funny enough, I don't have issues with throwing things away, or with giving them away; I have issues with getting started.  this was the week to get the plan in motion.  tomorrow is the actual day.  no more procrastination on the purging of "the stuff".

purging my heart has also come with some emotional procrastination.  I hold on.  I hold on to bad habits, unforgiveness, memories...all things that create a toxic place in my soul.  this week I've begun the purge.  it's making a conscious effort to forgive.  it's making a conscious effort to make a bigger effort with some people and no contact with the ones that are harmful.  it's hitting the delete button and not the send button.  and it's immersing myself in truth.  and it's bloody hard.  and I've not been super great at it this week.  but I'm trying.  trying hard.  forgiving myself is ridiculously difficult.  trusting myself, even harder.

the fast:
well this went sideways big time.  getting sick through my resolve out the window, especially since the bulk of this was food and drink related.  that said, I can't drink booze while on antibiotics.  somehow the fast wins.  no booze for two weeks has turned into no booze for the next 10 days.  My stomach was feeling pretty crappy last weekend and I know that is totally related to the amount of gluten I eat or don't eat.  I had planned to sort that back out this week too, but sickness makes me want kit kat bars.  yes, those ones all collected while trick-or-treating.  I've totally been snitching from the kid's candy stash.  I'm blaming the fever.  I should be back to normal in the next 24-48 hrs.  I'll start again.

john and I have also spent tonight working on creating a debt active fast from what we want to a focus on being good stewards with what we've been blessed with.  this goes with a shopping fast and man, that's hard!  we are held hostage by our debt situation and for the first time in a long time, I feel like we're taking it on.  together.  no more fear and shame when it comes to our money.  just a singular focus on the goal.

I know this doesn't look or sound like seven things.  and it's not.  and I got messed up in my plans by sickness, but I'm moving forward.  taking it all in small steps.  and feeling like sometimes when you fail to plan, you plan to fail.  auto-pilot is not an option, regardless of how busy and overwhelming my life can feel.

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