Monday, October 18, 2010

amazing grace

so it's been a bit of a crazed day.  my dad is in the hospital, as I write this, having major open heart surgery.  I should really be more stressed out than I am.  I am actually just more in a fog.  and I have a massive headache.  I think I've been clenching my teeth for hours.  anyways, there's been a thought in my head all afternoon - in regards to my dad and in regards to my own stuff.  maybe the emotional toll of my dad being sick has got my brain working in a different direction.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.

this verse from matthew 11 has been in my head for a long while now [via the message] and it came to me again today.  mainly because I feel so tired.  emotionally and physically.  and in the last few hours, it's almost overwhelming.  I think just due to sheer exhaustion that I am almost ready to just stop moving.  stop thinking.  stop everything.  I have learned something about myself in the last few days and that is how incredibly selfish I am.  it comes out in all sorts of ways, but really I am just selfish.  I like me best.  self-preservation.  and now I want to stop moving instead of always feeling like running away from things.

I read this today at serena's blog:
"The only way to experience sorrow is to let go of self-condemnation. You have to focus on what Jesus did and not on what you did. No matter how long you beat yourself up or try to out-do your bad with good, you’ll never be able to make it go away. The only thing that can make it go away is grace. Self-condemnation is a barrier that feels right, but is detrimental to your spirit."
and although this blog quote has nothing to do with my dad right now, it totally has to do with me right now. I need to feel sorrow in my life. and I need to take the focus off of me. I don't like me right now. but I do like that I have a saviour that has done something incredible for me. I told someone today that I feel for the first time that I am at the foot of the cross. a christian lingo thing that gives me the heebie-jeebies, but it best describes how I feel. like a sinner in need of grace. maybe I have made a bit of progress in this area.

I know that this is all a bit random and without context, but I am tired. in need of real rest - spiritual, not just physical.

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