eavesdrop

so the new civil wars album dropped today.  this is important for a lot of reasons:

1. I was in need of some really great blog post titles

2. I needed a good cry.  not a lot of music stirs this kind of emotion in me.

3. I was pretty sure this album was never going to happen.  the band took a break.  I read an interview with joy and it kinda broke my heart.  then I realized that I totally get it, on far too many levels.  and now when I listen to this album, there is this sort of angst and sadness.  and it makes me sad.  

4.  I saw this review today and it resonated with me.  especially the title.  tension and grace.  and it got me thinking.  

5. I also read this blog post today and I may have had an ugly cry.  tension and grace.  

why am I always fighting?  why can't I just surrender?  there is such a deep self-loathing in my heart paired with such an incredible desire to be pursued that I can't buy that I have been pursued.  that I'm not worthy.  I do not feel worthy.  of grace.  of love.  I push away.  I shove my heart away.  I move.  I run. I escape.  I do not feel worthy.  am I just having a moment?  yeah, probably.  but as I work through the word "restore", and I take time to rest, the truth about myself rises to the surface.  and it's ugly.  

interesting enough, I'm feeling close to the breaking point.  that I've almost been pinned down long enough and I'm ready to say "uncle".  but I'm afraid.  what happens when I give in?  what do I lose?  what do I gain?  I'm afraid.  what I do know is that it's time to quit acting like a kid and just start pull up my socks, get off my ass and just start moving instead of wallowing.  sometimes behaviour needs to lead when your attitude is acting like a petulant little girl whining in the corner.  I love how I have this pep talk every couple of weeks.  are y'all getting tired of it yet?  I am.