Wednesday, August 22, 2012

getting in tune

maybe today will be list-like.  just 'cause.

1.  I've been making {okay, in some cases just assembling} a lot of food lately.  I've been working hard to eat cleaner and healthier and cheaper.  ha!  so I've been scouting pinterest [follow me & I'll follow you!  my name is corifraser72.  shocking, I know.] and trying a bunch of gluten-free recipes out.  I made some granola bars for the kids {HUGE HIT!} and I tried some vegan cornbread and pizza inspired quinoa.  super yum!  and, in the vein of the whole pinterest thing, I created some ice cream sandwiches and made them look pretty!  The boys picked out cookies and ice cream and I slapped them together.  then I needed a way that the kids could eat them without as big of a mess as I could anticipate, so I wrapped them in wax paper.  HOWEVER, have you ever tried taping wax paper and throwing it in the freezer?  doesn't work.  string worked.  and looked kinda cool!  mom of the year.  that's what award I'm apparently going for.

2.  John & I went to the football game on friday night.  we lost.  but we had fun.  we haven't been in the same space for that long {like four whole hours!} in FOREVER!  our schedules have been not super coordinated as of late.  it's been a lot of spelling each other off with the kids and not a lot of us in the same space.  he's studying for his police exam {it's on or die!  eeekkkk!} and I've been spending a lot of hours at school.  throw in shift work and voila! living in the same house as someone and not ever seeing them!  alas, it was nice to spend the evening together.

3.  I've been actively avoiding dealing with some shit lately.  I've stalled.  and then I got an email from a friend that has catapulted my head into action.  and my heart is now yearning for change.  I am hopeful, where two years ago I was hopeless.  I've said it before, but I suck at maintaining relationships.  and I got called out on it.  big time.  this isn't new news to me, but it's hard to see it in print.  I like to flee.  I read this post last night, and preston may as well been talking about me.  when things get hard, I run.  it's been a big part of my history.  I run, I avoid, I move.  this summer, without really realizing it, I've confronted it.  kinda.  

every summer I make a plan to get rid of the kids.  I justify it with "I need a break" or "they like playing with their friends" or "I can't do the stay at home mom thing".  list the excuse, I've made it.  this summer, with what started out as financial reasons more than anything, I've kept the kids home with me.  they did swimming lessons, ty did hockey camp, they had sleep overs with cousins and grandmas, but for the most part, we've been home.  and although I ran away to vegas for seven days at the start of the summer, and although I have completed NOTHING on my to do list, I've spent the summer in the same space as my kids.  working on being a mom.  a better mom.  not running away from it.  and {wait for the shocking part...}, I've kinda enjoyed it.  yes, my kids are older.  I can kick them outside to play when I'm having a day.  but it's been nice.

I bring this up because the email I got last week had something in it that has stuck with me.  it goes along the lines of this:  no matter what people say they value, you can be sure by what they choose.  I've not been great at choosing anything but myself.  I've been selfish with my choices.  and it negatively affects my relationships.  all of them.  the relationships I've started to choose over my selfish desires are those I have with my children.  john is a bit more in, I'm not his mother and therefore do not have supreme control over his life...HA!!  but we're trying to work on that too.  {the relationship, not me having supreme control!!}

I have not nurtured any relationships in my life for a long time.  friends.  family.  kids.  husband.  and it's time to stop running away.  because there are some pretty great people in my life.  I just need to open my heart up to those relationships instead of bolting.  all the friggin' time.

and right now, these are the people that I'm looking to surround me in this journey.  the people who are grace.  people who send tough emails.  people who call me on my shit.  people that journey with me.

a wise person once told me that change isn't in the knowing, but in the doing.  and right now, it's putting one foot in front of the other.  and not towards the back door.

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