the river

writing has been hard for me lately.  I'm not too sure if I've just been too busy and it's taken 5+ days off to just decompress so that I can think creatively again, or if what I have to say is too real to have to sort through.  maybe a bit of both.

but today, the sun is shining and the snow is melting.  the great thaw has arrived.  ha!  it's a balmy +7C today.  last week we were knee deep in snow.  literally.  I think 20+ cm fell in 24-48 hours.  regardless, I'm ready for spring to make an appearance.  my house is quiet and I have no excuses.  okay, other than having to go pick up the kids in ten minutes.

so, three more days of my whole30 challenge.  three more days of lent.  and I'm a bit freaked out.  for the most part, I don't stay the course on anything for this long.  I'm a quitter most of the time.  also, I'm not too sure what to do next.  well, I have some ideas, but I'm a bit freaked out about heading into "no rules" mode.  the rules have served me well for the last 27 days.  have I broken any?  yep.  I failed in the "break up with your scale" part.  other than that, I haven't intentionally broken any eating rules.  there were some times when I had to eat out and I know that not everything was compliant, but I did damn good, considering the choices.  also, I made some unintentional errors.  and I self-corrected them as I needed to.  all things considered though, I did it.  I didn't quit.  I didn't give up.  and this is huge.  freaking huge.

things I learned:
1.  I'm not a slave to food.  it doesn't beckon me any longer.  it gives me energy and sustenance, but it doesn't own me.  I own it.  ha!
2.  I'm not a quitter.  that tape that keeps playing in my head is changing it's tune.
3.  I don't need food or booze to deal with stress.  I'm not too sure how I dealt with stress this past month, but apparently I did it without over eating and without a drop of wine.  shocking.  I think I took out all my frustration in the kitchen.  cutting veggies is more cathartic than you'd know.
4.  I will have to continue to work hard not to fall into old habits.  this is the first week that I've had full-on cravings for sugar and I'm very worried that I'll lose control.  freedom scares me.  that said, I don't think I'm ready for the big world yet.
5.  I didn't miss cheese as much as I thought I would.
6.  this works for me.  I've been sleeping better, dealing with life better, and doing life better.  I have more patience.
7.  when I started this process, I didn't know what I was taking on.  I thought it was health related when in fact it's been very emotional and very spiritual.  battling 40 years of food habits is not for the faint of heart.  and apparently it's got nothing to do with will power.  I still don't have a lot of that.  I was eating poor quality "healthy" food.  it still came from a package and it was still all weighed down with sugar in every name possible.  I have not conquered the sugar dragon quite yet, but he's cowering, that's for sure.

and so now what?  this has been the big question that has been in the forefront of my mind for the last week or so.  I don't think I'm ready for freedom in the big world of food quite yet.  I have a lot more healing to experience - physical and emotional.  so here's the plan:  I'm going to take a bit of a break from the hard core and live in 90/10 world for a week {it's our 10 year anniversary next week and I'd like to have a nice meal with my hubs}.  then I think I'm going to do a whole60.  and start training for another half marathon in July {walking, people, not running!}.  this journey has just begun for me.  and if this is a year defined by the word restore, then I need to remember that this is part of the journey.  a long journey.

so yes, my lovely blog is going to be continually haunted with talk of food and how I suck at cooking for a while longer, but I'm assuming the three of you are good with that :)