Friday, December 01, 2006

not too sure even where to start

I think this has been one of my most intense teaching weeks of my career. as a result, I feel like I am in an impasse. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan for me and I know I am doing what I need to be doing with my life, but at this moment it just doesn't feel like it's enough. maybe I am just in denial about the spiritual aspect of my job. or maybe I am in tune with it and that's why this week was so incredibly difficult. I have a little girl in my class who is in so much crisis that I am paralyzed by my concern and so totally annoyed that I've let it get to me and on the other hand, know that if it didn't get to me, I would have to quit teaching. she has been an on going concern and this week it came to a head. her mom has no support network, no one to lean on and she is trying hard, but she's alone with a high, high needs child. and in all of the hurt and pain for this little girl and her mom, I keep hearing the words "hold on. perservere." how do I do this? how can teaching hurt so badly and affect me in such a raw way? I feel like this week has brought me to a crossroads. an impasse. I am on the verge of a huge career move. am I quitting teaching? yeah, not on your life. I have toyed with getting my masters degree in assessment, reading, special needs but I have decided I need to do crisis work with kids. okay, I didn't say that correctly. I already do crisis work with kids. I need to continue. it's okay to feel bad. it's okay to hurt. and it's okay to care. and cry. and do whatever I can to be Christ in their lives. I have thought about the path I need to take with my career and whether or not I would move in to a mentor/consulting role or whether I would pursue administration. I chose the latter. I need to remain in school. I need to stay where I am. I need to talk to Chris. and I need to go back to what I know: my job, my ministry, my life was made for this moment. I need to just perservere through the pain and grow into the woman-teacher-mother-wife-sister-daughter-friend I was born to be.

1 comment:

susan santos said...

Wow Cor!

Sounds like we NEED to meet for coffee...soon!