"on the battlefield of ideas, winning requires moving towards the sound of the guns" this quote struck a chord with me as I was sitting in church, drinking my coffee [that's what happens when church is pretty much sponsored by starbucks]. I am in a bit of a funk - thought I was getting over the effects of the "winter funk", considerably worse this winter, for some reason - and the weather has me going stir crazy.
back to the quote - I generally hate conflict. I try not to cause it, I try to solve it, I talk myself down from it...all of those great things. not too sure if I ever want to be a winner, if I have to find the guns. it does get me thinking in a more philosophical train of thought though. good things take hard work. nothing comes easy. ever. how do we ever know peace, if we've never stepped into the fire? how do we ever recognize goodness, if all we have ever known is evil? and then what? how do you change the survival mode from "I'm just holding on for dear life" to "I am okay"? the shift in mentality is a tough one. for me, for the last 5 years, I have lived a life that puts my kids/family/career in full dependency mode. small kids need their mother. a new marriage needs a wife present [and not just to do the laundry!!]. a new teacher needs to figure it all out on a lot of levels! now that as a family we are not so new, more familiar, more grown up, perhaps I am not feeling so overwhelmed by it all. and now that I am not feeling so overwhelmed by my life, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel restless. the mentality shift hasn't keep up to my ever-changing life. this is a time where my kids need me more than ever. what a mondo-huge job. a hard job. but the job I am, above all else, called to do.
I feel like this winter, I've been a coward. a person who has just shut themselves away from life and just maintained. and in some cases, not maintained at all. and perhaps this is why the snow today has me in a tizzy. I have not been really great at anything lately. not a great friend. not a great mom. not a great wife. not a great sister. I have been terribly self-absorbed.
so, as all things are, this is going to take some hard work on my part. and it's going to start by making some things right, and making some apologies. and I am going to beat this thing that is on me and start by looking for where I need to be in battle right now. and as a friend told me this weekend - it's not how high the airplane flies, or how fast it gets there, but that it just keeps going towards it's destination [totally paraphrased from a very drunk conversation!].
the realist in me needs a plan, but I think that I need to sleep on all these thoughts and the conversations I've had this weekend. the right choices are never the easy ones. and for once, I think I may be okay with that.
[and this is what happens when you help someone drink 2 bottles of wine on a friday night, watch "the assassination of jesse james" on a saturday night and drink starbucks coffee on a sunday morning in church...God works in some pretty cool ways.]