Sunday, March 09, 2014

gone, gone, gone

I've not had a great couple of weeks.  auto pilot is the name of my game right now.  asleep.  sleep.  lethargic.  cranky.  the absolute antithesis of how I like to live.  there are many contributing factors that are not really excuses, but I've let them become excuses.  mom of two very active boys.  both boys in high level sports.  wife to a man who works shift work.  full time teacher/administrator in a fairly demanding work environment.  busy is my reality and I've let it become my excuse.  my excuse for opting out of my life.  couple this with my desire to please and it's a recipe for emotional disaster.

it's been almost four years since the summer of my crazy.  and I feel the symptoms yet again.  disconnecting.  mood swings.  exhaustion.  auto pilot.

and it's lent.  historically I've given something up for the 40 days leading up to easter, but this year, in light of my head not being in the game, I've decided to shake it up just a bit.

I am ridiculously introspective.  I don't live in my head, but I have a fairly good grasp on how I think, why I think and reflective on the choices I make.  there are pros and cons to having my brain.  I am absolutely my own worst enemy.  and I have a tape in my head that tells me daily that I am a failure.  that I'm a procrastinator.  that I'm lazy.  that I'm fat.  that I'm not worthy.  just to name a few.

in the last few weeks, I've been giving that voice in my head far too much air time.  I am starting to sabotage myself and believe the lies I tell myself.  well, I see it.  I effin' see it.  so, for lent this year, I'm giving up those messages.  I am going to refuse to listen to them.  I am going to SHUT THEM DOWN and give them the finger.  I am going to replace them with messages that are more true:  I am worthy.  I am enough.  I am grateful.  I am beautiful {just the way I am}.  and in this, I am going to practice moderation.  I am going to not let work consume me.  I am not going to let my kids schedule consume me.  I am not going to diet, just fuel my body.  I am going to drink in moderation.  I am going to live my life awake.  not self medicating with food and alcohol.  not wallowing in self pity.  just living my life awake.  in the moment.

I'm going to wish that I just gave up chocolate, aren't I?  and on that note, I wish I could give up marking grade 7 book reports.  but alas, I can't.  sigh,

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