it will come back

first of all, I need to send out a big thank you.  I don't write for anyone specifically and for everyone in general.  mainly I write for me.  it's a part of taking care of my own mental wellness.  needless to say, I don't write for likes, shares or comments.  but it was really kind to see my blog traffic increase and the amount of support I experienced {on fb, specifically}, in regards to my last post.  I would hope that I always write from a place of vulnerability and authenticity, but I know that's not always the truth.  somedays I just write to get touches on the ball and not worry so much about kicking it through the goal net.  anyways, this is my thank you.  thank you for supporting me.  encouraging me. loving on me.  especially through a very raw post.

so it's monday.  the monday of a four-day long weekend.  and as a family, we've succeeded in doing nothing and not hating each other.  we revolve in a world of go.  soccer four nights a week.  hockey one to two nights a week.  and a husband that works five nights a week.  sometimes just pulling the plug on activities for a few days {okay, there were none scheduled!!}, makes all the difference in the world.  movies.  playing outside with friends.  swimming with cousins.  playing with other cousins.  street hockey with friends.  a lot of coffee.  and a lot of nothing.  part of me feels guilty that I accomplished nothing.  but maybe in not feeling stressed about getting anything done, I accomplished something bigger:  rest.

I suck at rest.  pressing pause.  taking a deep breath.  I really do.

and then I wonder why I'm exhausted all the time.  and always in fight mode.

well, perhaps this needs to change.  lower the expectations when I have a few moments in the margin.  be okay with that pile of papers on the counter.  not fret if the boys laundry is all where it's suppose to be.  take care of me.  and then be better at taking care of them.

it always cycles back to that principle.  taking care of me.  filling my jar.  so ultimately, I can care for others.  give to others.  be there for others.  because really, that is my joy.

did you hear the rain?

anxiety.

we try not to tiptoe around it.  we try not to cave to it.  we try not to fuel it's fire.

but I do.  I bow to its power.  I let it run free.

and then some days we talk.  we hash it out.   and love on each other.

these days.  these days I get to carry the burden.  these days he trusts me.  calls me mama.  knows that I would take this dragon that lives and breaths and fight it everyday if that would help.

alas, it's ultimately his battle.

anxiety.

the dragon.

today, I tiptoed.  I snuck up behind it.  I hugged it fiercely, when it wanted to roar.  I won.  it slowly quieted.  tonight it's letting my sweet son sleep.  tonight I loved the heck out of it.  and tonight I won.

it's ultimately his battle.

for now, I fight beside him.  it's part of him.  the son I love.

blame it on me

I always feel like I need to start with an apology.  a reason for ditching.  for ignoring my faithful reader {okay, so maybe there are more than one of you!!!}.  honestly, I think part of me has been avoiding writing.  avoiding dealing with my shit.  avoiding the honesty chat that I should probably be having with myself.  alas.  I'm here now.  ready to chat.

only tonight, I think I have a purpose.  and it has very little to do with me, I think.  or maybe that's the complete opposite of the truth.

so tomorrow marks that beginning of mental health week, here in the great white north.  the canadian mental health association has done this week for the last 60 some years.  this year, the focus is on boys and men.  their slogan?  let's get loud about mental health.  #getloud

so just over two weeks ago, a colleague of mine lost his son to suicide.  this shit breaks people.  and it hit me hard.  I too, am a parent of two boys.  I too, know my youngest does not have an easy path when it comes to his mental wellness.  I too.  I too.  this grief runs deep.  am I doing enough, is the refrain that plays in my head.   so, in part to live my talk and in part to honour my friends, my colleagues, the students who step foot in my office, my family and my own two kids, this week I'll be modelling mental wellness and I'll be getting loud about it.

self care.  I'm good at this in a lot of ways, but really on the surface.  I need to care for my soul.  the well that flows so I can give.  so yes, I take time for myself.  I refresh in the rare solitude of my weekend.  but I avoid those things that really care for my soul.  writing.  walking.  playing music.  these things.  these are the things that really are my self care.

this week, this week is about these things.  getting loud for d.  getting loud for my sweet t.  getting loud for all the boys and men {plus all the girls!} I know who suffer with mental illness.  and in the same breath, it's about practicing mental wellness.  and about putting my actions where my words are.

it's going to be a full week of blogging, kids.