to be alone

a lazy weekend.  kids in motion with friends and sleep overs.  big dumps of snow.  no sports.   cleaning off the pvr.  a bit of rest in the middle of the crazy.

two more weeks at this intensity.  in two weeks, hockey is in play-off mode, soccer slows down just a tad and school.  well school starts to ramp up.  I guess I can't really win!

so, in honour of the long weekend, a few of my {current} favourite things!

1.  so I was at the eye doctor's this weekend.  looks like I need reading glasses.  or bifocals.  or something else that makes me feel old.  grrrr.  so I'm looking for reading glasses that don't look like old lady librarian glasses.  I like these.

2.  hozier.  he's running things on my playlist lately.  take me to church is good.  the rest is even better.  TRUST. ME.  

3.  gotham.  for freakin' real.  I'm not even the biggest batman fan, but this.  this I like.  it's dark, slightly creepy and all sorts of fun.  and common.  it's ryan and marissa all over again.  okay, well without the warm OC sun and without marissa.  HA!  I really like ben mckenzie as james gordon.  and the frickin' penguin is all sorts of icky and lovely.  okay.  enough gushing.

4.  speaking of tv, how to get away with murder.  I am a complete sucker for crime shows.  mysteries make me happy - in book and in television form.  this show is smart.  slow moving.  back and forth.  it's a long running story arch, if you like that kind of thing.  I do.  

5.  I bet my life by imagine dragons.  I'm really loving this song.  ty and I have been plunking it out on the piano lately.  I'm a fan of a three chord song!!  good times!

6.  avocados.  no, guacamole.  I'm obsessed.  I eat guac with EVERYTHING.  and this is my new favourite, mainly because I don't have time to make it every second day.  and winter in canada?  well lets just say that the avocados aren't very great after they make the big trek north.  this does the trick every time!!

7.  I thought I could make it to 10 favourite things, but I think I'm stopping here.  but, I want to give a big shout-out to all my friends who've taken my kids in the last while.  I've been tired and sick for the last while and you've really kicked it up a notch.  you're my favourite favourite!!

it will come back pt. 2

if you need the back story, go here.

so I got a call from a friend of mine this week.  she invited my kid to go to an overnight family camp with herself and a couple of her kids.  this is a camp that I know and love.  he said yes immediately.   they were leaving friday night.  home sunday.  thursday night was melt down central.  full on panic.  he stayed up too late the night before and had just worked his butt off at a two hour hockey practice.  the makings of a perfect storm.

"mom, I just want you to come too", "don't make me go", and "I just feel so anxious".  that was the first time he really identified his feelings.  the first time he put words to how he feels.  when you can read between the yelling, fighting, and icky tantrum, that is at the root of his issues.  I feel so anxious.

I had no idea in that moment if I made the right choice or the wrong choice, but I made a choice.  I told him that he had to go.  he had said yes to his friends.  he couldn't go back on his word.  he was not happy with me.  he threw and broke the screen on his iPad.  his feelings are real.  I pushed them into a place of great discontent.  ten minutes later, his friend called.  they talked.  he was all smiles again.  reassured.

over the last few months, we've been working with the mental health clinic to get on the same page as parents.  just john and I go.  we try different strategies.  we want him to learn some self-regulation.  to gain control of this.  we want him in his own bed.  we want him sleeping at a decent time.  we've compromised.  we've tried a ton of things.  some work, some don't.  essential oils.  relaxation techniques.  a bedtime routine.  and we've seen a lot of progress.  he sleeps in a little cot next to our bed.  1030 is now a late night.  he told me he loved me.  once.  he cuddles.  he smiles.  and we've had one bed time tantrum in the last six weeks.

so friday after school he walked home with his friend.  they were planning to come by our house to pick up his stuff and say good bye.  he walks in the house and runs upstairs, asking me to come with him because he wants to talk to me.  we get upstairs and he bursts into tears.  no tantrum.  all tears.  all panic on his face.  "mom, I need you to come with me.  I don't think I can do this.  I feel so anxious."  so much raw honesty in his words.  usually it's about anger.  with him.  friday it was real.  real pain for my little boy.  I held him.  wiped his tears.  told him I believed in him.  told him that I loved him, had packed his blankets and special pillow and a ton of valentine's candy.  told him that he could call me at any time and that I would come and get him.  then I carried him downstairs.  and he left.

one phone call on friday night.  he wanted to be picked up in the morning.  I asked him to call me in the morning.  I prayed with him.  phone call in the morning.  "don't come.  I'm having fun."

I don't know if I'm doing this right.  I don't know if I'm honouring my kid and his mental health.  I don't have a clue what I'm doing.  something in my gut told me to push him on this weekend.  in return, I got his iPad fixed.  I want him to become a person who is in control.  who has choices.  who feels empowered.  this thing.  this anxiety.  it's not going away.  it's his gig.  for the next couple of years I have to help him manage.  and there's an ebb and flow to that management.  I'm going to mess up.  but in that, we all get to learn.  if the stigma around mental illness needs to stop, then it needs to stop with me.  my family.  my kid.

it will come back

so I've really hesitated with this post for some time now.  but its content has been eating away at me, like it's time.  so sometimes I just need to trust my gut and believe that the time is right.

I share a lot of personal stuff on my blog, and I have waded into some of my parenting struggles, but for the most part, the things I post about my kids are usually fun.  and honestly, they're getting to the age where they don't want all their stuff out there.  and it's nice posting fun pictures, making my family look sweet and happy and lovely all the time.  it's easy to make my sports-loving, super cute boys look good in social media.  for our family to look happy.

for the most part, we are happy.  we laugh hard, we fight loudly.  but I am a mom of a little boy that struggles with anxiety.

anxiety.

mental health.

my kid.

this past summer there were a lot of fights over bed time.  but I don't work in the summer, so late nights and late, lazy mornings were okay.  and he was still sleeping in his own bed this summer.  for the most part.  but, when dad works 5 nights a week, sometimes everyone just crashes in our king sized bed and we call it a night.  then school started.  my first born easily adjusts to change.  a few early mornings corrects his schedule and he's super happy to be up in the mornings.  my second born, not so much.  throughout the month of september, I think I was considering midnight an early night.  1230.  1.  130.  the melatonin that we had been using for the last couple of years had stopped working.  the cycle of lack of sleep for both of us, was leading to some pretty rotten parenting.  I work a job that requires me to be on my game.  especially in september.  pretty sure I was sucking at all my jobs in september.  and every single night there was a fight.  the overtired kid battling his overtired mother for power.  and he was winning.  every night.  I'm an educator.  I'm smarter than this, right?

then he said that he hated his life and just wanted to die.  and a part of me died a bit inside.  my baby. my hockey-playing-music-loving-cutest-face-ever 9 year old wants to die.  how do you hear that as a mom and be okay?  I totally wasn't okay.  we weren't.

when asked one sunday morning, "how are you doing?" by a trusted friend, I decided to answer with something other than "fine", as I broke down and told him of my sheer exhaustion.  and the words.  the words my kid had said out loud.  he told me how they went through something similar with their son and told me that it was okay to get some help.  so I did.  I went and had a breakdown in my doctor's office.

the last five months have been a journey.  the kid was a complete nightmare when we went to the doctor together, crying at me that he just wanted to be a normal kid.  more so when we went to our first appointment at the mental health clinic.  "I just want to be a normal boy".  over and over.

since then, things have changed quite drastically in our house.  not perfect.  never perfect.  but definitely not september.

there is definitely a part two to this post {tomorrow, if I can get my head on straight}.  I just hear the echo of students past, dear friends, close family and now my second born in his words:  I just want to be normal.

mental illness sucks.  just like cancer sucks.  I don't understand it.  I don't like it.  but it's part of our reality.  I don't have a ton of answers, just a part of our story.  and if even knowing that you're not alone with this struggle, is what you need to hear today, it's true.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

and the one thing I have learned is this:  not talking about it doesn't make it better.  there is healing in words.

tomorrow.  part 2.  I promise.