Saturday, February 14, 2015

it will come back

so I've really hesitated with this post for some time now.  but its content has been eating away at me, like it's time.  so sometimes I just need to trust my gut and believe that the time is right.

I share a lot of personal stuff on my blog, and I have waded into some of my parenting struggles, but for the most part, the things I post about my kids are usually fun.  and honestly, they're getting to the age where they don't want all their stuff out there.  and it's nice posting fun pictures, making my family look sweet and happy and lovely all the time.  it's easy to make my sports-loving, super cute boys look good in social media.  for our family to look happy.

for the most part, we are happy.  we laugh hard, we fight loudly.  but I am a mom of a little boy that struggles with anxiety.


mental health.

my kid.

this past summer there were a lot of fights over bed time.  but I don't work in the summer, so late nights and late, lazy mornings were okay.  and he was still sleeping in his own bed this summer.  for the most part.  but, when dad works 5 nights a week, sometimes everyone just crashes in our king sized bed and we call it a night.  then school started.  my first born easily adjusts to change.  a few early mornings corrects his schedule and he's super happy to be up in the mornings.  my second born, not so much.  throughout the month of september, I think I was considering midnight an early night.  1230.  1.  130.  the melatonin that we had been using for the last couple of years had stopped working.  the cycle of lack of sleep for both of us, was leading to some pretty rotten parenting.  I work a job that requires me to be on my game.  especially in september.  pretty sure I was sucking at all my jobs in september.  and every single night there was a fight.  the overtired kid battling his overtired mother for power.  and he was winning.  every night.  I'm an educator.  I'm smarter than this, right?

then he said that he hated his life and just wanted to die.  and a part of me died a bit inside.  my baby. my hockey-playing-music-loving-cutest-face-ever 9 year old wants to die.  how do you hear that as a mom and be okay?  I totally wasn't okay.  we weren't.

when asked one sunday morning, "how are you doing?" by a trusted friend, I decided to answer with something other than "fine", as I broke down and told him of my sheer exhaustion.  and the words.  the words my kid had said out loud.  he told me how they went through something similar with their son and told me that it was okay to get some help.  so I did.  I went and had a breakdown in my doctor's office.

the last five months have been a journey.  the kid was a complete nightmare when we went to the doctor together, crying at me that he just wanted to be a normal kid.  more so when we went to our first appointment at the mental health clinic.  "I just want to be a normal boy".  over and over.

since then, things have changed quite drastically in our house.  not perfect.  never perfect.  but definitely not september.

there is definitely a part two to this post {tomorrow, if I can get my head on straight}.  I just hear the echo of students past, dear friends, close family and now my second born in his words:  I just want to be normal.

mental illness sucks.  just like cancer sucks.  I don't understand it.  I don't like it.  but it's part of our reality.  I don't have a ton of answers, just a part of our story.  and if even knowing that you're not alone with this struggle, is what you need to hear today, it's true.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

and the one thing I have learned is this:  not talking about it doesn't make it better.  there is healing in words.

tomorrow.  part 2.  I promise.

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