Monday, February 18, 2013

ready or not

I have had a lot of stuff in my head as of late.  way too much.  so much that I've had this blog post started and restarted and restarted again for a couple of hours now.  mainly because I don't know where to start.  so in lieu of being the girl who writes nothing and generally ignores her blog or becomes the list girl {my standard default!}, I'm going to hunker down and just pick one of the random topics out of my head.

so let's talk about lent.  

but I'm going to backtrack for a couple of minutes.  so 1/3 of my new years resolutions didn't pan out.  I did two weeks without booze, two+ weeks totally gluten free and it was good.  the 30 day shred bit fell apart when I banged up my lower back.  pain had been loitering for a while; then I fell on the ice and landed on my ass.  oh, and then I ignored the tinge in my back.  so last weekend I leaned over to untie ty's hockey skates and ka-bang.  I couldn't move!!  needless to say, I've been to my chiropractor a couple of times over the last week, but really, I should have given up that damn shred when I first felt that tweek!  regardless, I can't work out right now.  and even though I did a great job on 2/3s of my resolution-revolutions, I've been beating myself up over the whole thing.  stupid, right?  so what does this have to do with lent?  everything and nothing all at the same time.  since I felt like shit, I ate like shit.  'cause that makes sense too, right?  ha!  the last three weeks have been an uncontrolled bit of chaos.  I don't do chaos very well, but it often leads to a breaking point.  the more I recognize these signs, the less I fear them.  in other words, I'm not surprised that my back seized last weekend.  a forced slow down.  restore.

now in my world, we don't do ash wednesday, but we do ash sunday.  saturday was my mardi gras.  I've been thinking for some time how my honouring of lent could be tied to my one word for 2013.  cut something out of my life in order to see restoration.  since I started with my health and considering with my struggles for the last couple of weeks, I decided that cutting refined & artificial sugar out of my diet for 40 days would make the most sense.  stupid, crazy, hard is what it really is.  

as I'm writing this, my brain is telling me that I need sugar.  lots of it.  more tea may be in order.  I've done this detox before.  it really, really sucks.  this time around though, I'm making a bit of a plan.  for the next week, I'm eliminating all refined and fake sugar {mainly because I have a hot date with my hubs next weekend and I'd like to have a nice meal and a drink with him}.  then I'm going to do the whole 30.  I've been reading a book called "it starts with food" and I've come to realize that I have such a toxic, unhealthy relationship with food.  I use it as entertainment when I'm bored.  it rewards me.  it punishes me.  when really, it just needs to sustain my life.  I've given all my power to food.  it controls me.  I am highly addicted to sugar.  it controls me.  and in this lenten season, I've decided to take back my power.  to restore my relationship with food so that I don't give it the control, but so I am always in control.  self-control.  my nemesis.  and in that regard, I'm breaking up with my scale for lent as well.  so I guess I'm saying this:  I'm not just giving up something for lent, I'm going to spend the next 40 days actively working on health restoration.  and during this time, I'm committing to at least two blog posts a week, with a focus on joy.  right now, my lack of sugar is leading to a lack of joy.  {tea is helping a tad!}

I'm not taking any of this lightly.  in fact, quite the opposite.  it sure seems like a lot to take on though; I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.  this type of diet overhaul scares the shit out of me.  I feel weak.  without willpower.  uninformed and ill equipped.  knowing nothing.  perhaps that's exactly where I'm suppose to be.  so although I wasn't perfect today {pretty darn close though...}, it's in the trying that restoration comes.

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