Tuesday, December 31, 2013

all alright

it's new years eve.  the end of one year and the beginning of another.  my motivation for doing much of anything has been lacking in the last week.  my ideal christmas break includes a lot of coffee and a lot of tv.  these two things have been solidly accomplished.  oh, and I've slapped myself upside the head for being a whiner and I've started eating like an adult.  clean, healthy, in moderation.  it was a tough fall.  that's my only lame-ass excuse.

restore was my word for 2013.  it was a really great word.  needed in a time where my focus needed to be inward.  "He restores my soul" was my mantra for this year.  and in many ways, this has come to fruition.  yet, I'm not feeling very restored.  I'm feeling tired.  asleep.  unmotivated.  hesitant.

I'm listening to mumford & sons right now:

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
my weakness I feel I must finally show
lend me you hand and we'll conquer them all
but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
lend me your eyes I can change what you see
but your soul you must keep totally free

awake my soul.

{my word for 2014 may have just found me.  that's for tomorrow though.}  although I don't feel it right in this moment, there has been a lot of restoration, reconstruction, resurrection in my world this past year.  change has been a prevalent theme for many around me.  although touched by change in my own little world, I could have never predicted that when the word restore found it's way into my heart that I would have the opportunity to be instrumental in the restoration of others as well.  and the refrain of my life plays again:  it's not all about you, cor.

I deeply contemplated keeping the word restore for another year.  I feel like I touched just the tip of the iceberg with it.  "there's no good reason why I can't move on...it was all alright and now it's all all wrong," sings the zac brown band in my ear right now.  okay, so they're singing a break up song, but you get the picture.  oh, and my boyfriend dave is on drums.  that's important.  "I'm as lost as a feather in a hurricane" - love that lyric.  okay, so I got off track and distracted by dave grohl.  fickle, I know!

maybe that's why I like new years eve.  it's like that last dance with a boyfriend that you know you can't hold on to anymore.  time to break up with the old and embrace what the new year brings.  time to shut the door on a year that was difficult and laborious and open up to the opportunities that 2014 will bring.

and in it all, it's me who has changed.  even if just a little bit.  I am not the same as I was 365 days ago.

neither are you.  one last dance.  then it's goodbye.  you were fun to play with, 2013, but far too difficult to live with for longer than necessary.  I'll wear the good memories like a badge in my {partially} restored heart.


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