lots of stuff in my head. so much so that I almost don't know what to write about. however, I know that I must - my head is just a TAD cluttered, so bear with me.
bottom line, I've been neglecting my soul. I have been working very hard at balance - family, work, health, me - and I haven't really been doing a great job. a decent job, yes. a great job, no. I've consciously worked hard at not bringing school work home so that when I am at home I can have "boy time". I also have been working hard to improve my health and fitness, which in turn has decreased my stress and increased my creativity. so, all should be well. right? yeah, seems like I am more miserable and cranky than before. and the scale keeps going in the WRONG direction. so the question needs to be asked: what am I missing? my relationship with God is being neglected. and really, that is the glue that holds it all together - no wonder I am feeling cranky.
I was talking with erika a while ago and we were talking about losing weight and sin. if I know what I am suppose to do, yet continue not to do it, then it's sin. when I overeat, knowing how bad it is for me, then that is sin. when sin is present [and let's be honest, we all have it], repentance is needed. and somehow, I am unable to ask for it. why? I know God is faithful to forgive, but it's like I have it in my thick head that I am somehow undeserving. okay, so technically, I am undeserving...but not unworthy. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve God's grace or His forgiveness, but He loves me nonetheless and is just waiting for me to come to Him. so why is that so difficult? grrr. my stubbornness drives me CRAZY. I am SO being like nate right now, yelling at God, saying, "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!!" all the time knowing darn well that I so cannot do this - lose weight, keep the balance, be a great wife and mother - without God.
so I was listening to a podcast this past week. mosaic, in los angeles. and the sermon was about soul cravings. the scripture that he mentioned was in psalms: "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." [ps 63:1] it got me thinking that there are a lot of things that I crave: chocolate, coffee, affirmation, love, acceptance, satisfaction/fullness. and nowhere on that list is God. so the list needs to change and the list will change when my focus changes. and my focus needs to change today. so as of today, I am going to make a relationship plan: a plan that will bring me to a place where I am craving God - His word, His spirit, His presence. I am going to start with downloading the bible on my ipod so that I can get a daily dose of the bible on my way to school. I think I will start with this one step this week. I also want to endeavour to comment on the scripture I am reading/listening to on this blog. and in there, I know what I really need to do to repair this relationship from my side. repent. make things right. come to my creator - broken, undeserving, alone.