Tuesday, May 11, 2010

come thou fount

o to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
let thy grace now like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.
prone to wander, lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
here's my heart, o take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

I've often used the metaphor of the kite and the holder of the kite to describe my life and my relationship with John. I was this very airy-fairy, loose flying kite before I met him. he grabbed that string and has been holding on for dear life ever since. luckily for him, this crazy kite has stopped flying so out of control to the point where there is this syncopathy [yes, I made that word up]. this harmony. the problem is that I am getting restless. a bit more than I have been in a long, long time. I think this is for a couple of reasons - I've been in the same job description for 3 years [longer than any other time in my career]; this has been an enormously stressful spring and I haven't been able to have the same type of connection with my husband that I typically need [I need time with him - time without the stress of kids, time just hanging out]; we've bought a house [a terribly adult decision with very adult responsibilities]; nate's been out of sorts and I don't always like the kind of mom I am with him; ty's been generally sweet and wonderful and I feel guilty that I sometimes like him more than his brother [although I know this was not the case even six months ago when all roles were reversed]; I have fallen off the wagon with my diet & exercise and I really am not liking the extra-extra 10 pounds I have to loose to get back to where I was in october.

discontent. restless. unhappy? I really don't know. maybe stress is masking and morphing my emotions and my reality. I have no reason to be unhappy. I am uncertain though, and historically change brings out the crazy in me. so, this is me breathing deeply. enjoying the moment. loving that I got the phone call saying that we get possession of our new house a full 5 weeks earlier than expected. instead of stressing about all the details, I am going to enjoy this moment. the one where the holder of this crazy & the kite that gets to be held onto in a forever kind of way get to move into their very first house of their own. eeeeekkkkkk!!!

and in other news, I stayed within my points today. I made good nutritional choices. I walked for 50 minutes and included a significant hill. and tomorrow I will endeavor to do the same.

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