helter skelter

so there's a song that I know, an old hymn in fact; the author, thomas dorsey, wrote it after his wife and baby died in child birth.  when I sing it, hear it, play it, I am reminded of the pain that it represents and the hope that dorsey felt.  the lyrics of the first verse have been playing in my heart for the last few days:

precious lord, take my hand
lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
through the storm, through the night
lead me on to the light
take my hand, precious lord, lead me home

then the church at that time said that he wasn't allowed to play it in church.  it was too bluesy.  it sounded too much like THAT music - you know, that jazz and blues that was being played in the clubs.

and all of that - the lyrics, the story - remind me of grace.  and how someway, the story is always bigger than our perception.  that the divine is working in a bigger place than what I comprehend or often trust.  and through it all, I get to choose.  I get to choose grace.  I get to choose joy.  I get to choose.

right now, right here, I am tired.  I am weak.  I am worn.  and I'm not sure I totally realized it.  and somehow I had thought that I had been forgotten.  dismissed.  left to be.  and apparently I was wallowing too much to see it.  that my hand is being held through the storm.

I am tired.  I am weak.  I am worn.  and I am ready to choose grace.  again.

there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears
get over your hill and see what you find there
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair  {mumford & sons, after the storm}