Sunday, September 16, 2012

a matter of time

there is so much rolling around in my soul right now that I can't process.  or see the pattern.  although I know there is one, just waiting on the cusp of discovery.  if change is in the doing, then change is happening.  I am no longer standing still.  I wrote this yesterday:  I'm feeling like I'm beginning to move away from the back door {the one where I exit quietly from and run away from my life} and I'm beginning to cut myself some slack.

do you watch the show touch?  kiefer sutherland is the main actor.  it's hard for me to hear his voice and not hear jack bauer.  ha!  I really like this show though and I think it's because it touches on connections; how the action of one can impact in ways that you'd never see or know.  that connections and actions are not random, but the result of conscious choice.  I watched the season finale today and the first episode of the new season.  everything thing happens for a reason.  there are no coincidences.  this is the premise.  that's how I'm feeling right now.  it's all connected, but I can't quite see the thread yet.

this I know to be true.  I am being pursued.  the word surrender has nipped at my heals, grabbed my pant leg and isn't letting go.  I can't escape.  so here is the random connections that my brain is making right now:

1.  I listened to a podcast this afternoon.  recommended by someone who knew I needed to listen to it.  it's no coincidence that I listened today.  nor is it a coincidence that I had coffee with this friend this week.

are you tired of existing?  do you want to live?  what am I passing on?  death and despair or life?  there is a future waiting to be unleashed through my future, through my faith, through my life.  God is waiting to do something extraordinary.  surrender.  {paraphrased from erwin mcmanus}

2.  I'm glad that jason was quick enough to tweet this quote from church this morning:

and the question that was asked:  is your soul in hiding or is it wild?  {the answer, for me, is glaringly obvious}

3.  and I can't get this song out of my head:

in these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
where you invest your love
you invest your life

awake my soul
awake my soul
awake my soul
for you were made to meet your maker
{mumford & sons}

this thread that is surfacing and making it's way through my life and through my head is weaving in and out of my consciousness.  the busy chaos that is my life squelches its music.  it's in perpetual tension.

but a revelation has occurred.  change, for me, is not linear.  it's not a + b = c.  I've been looking for linear, a straight progression of "do this" and "this" will be the result.  it's not me.  it's not how I operate.  I am a mind map of colours and images, not an equation.  and it's taken me 40 years to figure it out.  {okay, well 30...I wasn't so cognizant in my early years!!  ha!}.  and it's in the realization, peace has come.  

grace.  surrender.  peace.  joy.  life.  the essence of my soul.

I'll keep you posted {but of course!!} as things surface.  'cause you know I spin in circles.  and hear music in strange places.


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