Wednesday, September 19, 2012

the rising tide

and it continues.  the chaos.  no surprises.  and in the middle of it all, I'm faced with the opportunity to extend forgiveness.  and grace.  it's really hard.

and I wrote a really good post just now and lost it.  it had dorothy and red shoes and tornados.  and how I know I don't deserve grace and forgiveness but yet how I am truly worthy.  and if I am worthy, then the people around me are too.  it looked {my last post, my real post}, in word, like nothing I am about to attempt.  but it felt the same.  LOVE that when perfection is lost with a button.  ha!

forgiveness.  grace.  change.

redemption is possible.  I crave it, yet should model it.  in the giving and the receiving comes knowledge of change.  for so long I've expected it from others and have seen myself time and time again judge.  and expect.  and judge.  I have become judge and jury in my relationships.

in my chaos, I find myself sitting in a tension.  like the middle of a storm.  my feet are pointing in the right direction {away from the door}, but not yet engaged in the process.  my soul is screaming for reprieve and yet none comes.  alas, that is not entirely true.  in my swirling, twirling bit of chaos.  change comes.  reprieve from the crazy.  a lone light in the darkness of my heart.  in the choosing of silence when anger seeped through my pores.  in the allowing my heart to settle before saying words that I couldn't replace with a million years of kind actions.

I am no longer a child that gets to act out and react out of pure emotional frustration.  nor do I get to play the games of the passive aggressive.  that child in me needs to figure it out.  she is no longer.  she is the past, not the future.  in learning this, the tantrums have stopped and surrender has begun.

so as I ramble through this week, this life, I know that I will fail and I know that I will succeed.  two steps forward.  one step back.  mired in the chaos of my life.  the consequences of my choices.  the words that escape my lips.  the thoughts that haunt my dreams.  failure.  success.  both.  neither.  and the paradox that I live with.

and in the calm of the storm, I see more clearly.  like dorothy {wearing some kick-ass shoes}, in the middle of a tornado, needing to make choices that would help her find her way.  colour.  imagination.  and a road full of adventure.

my soul longs to be on fire, yet it doesn't trust me.  earning trust with oneself is a complicated process.  a process that does not happen overnight.  yet, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  with my silent exit to my back and restoration in front of me.  sometimes slow is best.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you Cori for sharing. I write a bit myself (not as elequently as you do) but last night I wrote my thoughts on this very thing, the chaos in my life and the need to bring my soul out of hiding. It is interesting how similar our thoughts are. I am sure a good portion of why these thoughts are in the front of my brain is because of Dean's talk on Sunday. As usual, he hit he nail on the head as to where I am in my life and where I need to to be! Anyway - long story short, I just wanted to thank you for your words - and keep sharing them. I truly appreciate reading/hearing them.
Erin Chenier