Sunday, September 23, 2012

heart of a girl

I am selfish.  selfish with my time.  selfish with my words.  my actions.  I don't give freely enough.  I live under a measure of obligation.  I don't trust.  myself or others.  I let people in, but often at arms length.  I overcommit and undercommit based on my wants.  I am selfish.

but I struggle with the tension between needs and wants.  between obligation and respect.  between sacrifice and martyrism {yes, made that word up!}.

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this, but I feel like I live in this tension.  there are things that I must do as an employer, mother, and wife.  I don't always like scrubbing little boy pee off the toilet, but I must.

okay.  I can't formulate a thought today, so I'm going to save this and come back to it.  it's like this idea is a bit of an itch on the edge of my consciousness but I just can't see it clearly yet.  I hate that and love it all at the same time!!

I think this is where I was going the other day.  we live in this dichotomy.  this tension.  good vs. evil.  judgement and mercy.  grace and holiness.  one of my biggest life struggles is finding balance in all things.  and practicing reckless love.  balance and recklessness.  in tension with each other.

balance is so elusive in my life.  I live in the extreme.  I'm an outlier.  chaos is my world.  I stand and move for days on end.  and then I sit.  I don't know how to do balance.  the middle.

but it's not all bad.  I'm learning.  I'm figuring this out.  and I am learning that I have so much to be grateful for.  a community that surrounds me and holds me close.  health.  cars that keep working when they should be dead on the side of the road.  bills that can be paid at the end of the week because it's finally payday.  a kid that loves playing hockey.  in the equipment we were given.  my house.  our home.  amazingly irritating yet lovely children.  so much to be grateful for.

I may not have this whole living life in balance figured out, but I am going to focus on who matters and loving them recklessly.

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