Sunday, January 22, 2012

stop stop

my title tribute to the black keys continues.  I am totally hoping that I win a contest where the winner gets a trip to nashville to see the black keys in concert.  THAT would rock my world!

so it's time to talk about my word for 2012.  I was so shocked that "surrender" ended up being my word for the year, that I've been kinda avoiding it.  actually, I've totally been avoiding it!  and in this, perhaps it's time to share part of my story.  part of my heart.  since it seems like everything is in perfect alignment as of late.

like I've mentioned before, last years word was grace.  and I think I'll just quote myself {how arrogant, eh?} from my dec 29th post:

I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding.  you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold.  and no one is gonna give up the fight.  I have been tantruming for a long time.  we all know that.  I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time. 
and then, grace shows up. 
and she showed me who she was.  and I don't feel worthy.  so I fight.  and I think right now, we're in the cage.  me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing.  her with her moves.  those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve.  and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch.  so right now, I'm in a headlock.  she's fierce.  powerful.  relentless.  and I need to cave soon.  I am tired.  weak.  worn.  and totally in need of grace.  far beyond what I can even comprehend.  I need her to be my new best friend.  to be part of my essence.  part of a new way of doing business.  grace has kicked my ass this year.  and I'm still not getting it.  I am effing dumb sometimes.  that's not new news either.

and wow.  two days later the word "surrender" took me by surprise.  it came to me as clear as day.  the word.  the scripture.  the feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me that I needed to listen, because this was a big deal.  so a couple of days later I committed to it.  said it out loud.  then walked away.

and in the last couple of weeks I just thought I could forget.  like if I didn't talk about it, it would go away.  that said, I've had a couple of interesting things happen.  first, I go to a great church.  I love the people and we've found community there.  the last few weeks, dean has been preaching on being worthy.  something I struggle enormously with.  and if I'm really honest with myself, I came up with a lame ass excuse to avoid going last week because I hate hearing how worthy I am.  'cause in my head/heart, I am not.  but apparently I am not meant to avoid things.  I woke up that morning with a strange thought in my mind:  "I love you and I'll take care of you."  repeating over and over again.

then move up the timeline by half a day.  I've been spending my sunday nights on my computer hanging out with the people at crosspoint {in nashville} via their internet campus.  I started joining in the chat portion before christmas.  so, this particular sunday was about {total summation!} pleasing God vs. trusting God.  okay.  I don't trust God.  yes, I go to church.  yes, I believe that he died for me and that I have eternal life in heaven.  yes, I know that I am flawed and exceptionally broken.  but I don't trust that God has good things for me.  so subsequently, I do my own thing.  and apparently, it's not going so well.  financially we're not doing good.  I am fighting with john ALL THE TIME {even though he doesn't even know it half of the time}.  I am a mess.  I am a mess.  if I take my eyes off the mess, I can see clearly that I don't trust anyone but myself.

and yet the thought pounding through my head was, "I love you and I'll take care of you."

k.  this is long.  I'll post the rest tomorrow...

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