Thursday, December 29, 2011

going to graceland

so, it's time for some review.  a look back in order to make a path forward, right?  only I feel like the three steps I've made forward in 2011 were countered by the five steps I took backwards.  it's not suppose to be like that, right?  however, I feel like I have made some gains emotionally.  but I've yet to discover if they are positive or negative.  so then are they gains?  I would say yes.  because I am aware.  more aware then perhaps I wanted to be.  and yet, I have not committed myself into the local mental hospital.  so yes, progress.

so although this is my official "one-word-year-end-up-date" for twenty-eleven, there are a couple of things I want to commit to over the next few days:

first, I just pulled up my blog post from dec 31st of last year - just to check my head space.  I did a top ten things that I was thankful for in twenty-ten.  I'm going to do that again.  join me, and send me your links if you want to do the same!

second, I'll post my "one word" for twenty-twelve on new years day.  I haven't figured out what I want to do with that yet, although there is a lingering thought in the front of my brain that is looking for some exploration.

okay.  my one word update.  last year I wrote THIS.  it was my word, my thoughts behind my word.  all of that stuff.

I feel like this year, grace showed up at the table and we have been fighting ever since.  {I'm going to site THIS post from carlos whittaker for my analogy on this one.}  I feel like grace and I are at war - like siblings over a misunderstanding.  you never remember where it starts, but the grudge just continues to hold.  and no one is gonna give up the fight.  I have been tantruming for a long time.  we all know that.  I have been having 5 year old hissy fits with god for a long, long time.

and then, grace shows up.

and she showed me who she was.  and I don't feel worthy.  so I fight.  and I think right now, we're in the cage.  me with my moves of denial, sin, loathing.  her with her moves.  those serious bad ass ones that I don't think I deserve.  and when I tire of the fight and start to let her win, it's like I give in for a moment and get a taste of what could be in my life, then just because, I feel the need to prove that I'm a bad ass too and I kick it up a notch.  so right now, I'm in a headlock.  she's fierce.  powerful.  relentless.  and I need to cave soon.  I am tired.  weak.  worn.  and totally in need of grace.  far beyond what I can even comprehend.  I need her to be my new best friend.  to be part of my essence.  part of a new way of doing business.  grace has kicked my ass this year.  and I'm still not getting it.  I am effing dumb sometimes.  that's not new news either.

but, I am still standing {not in the metaphor anymore peeps - 'cause there, I'm on the ground, in a head lock!!}.  I'm not super crazy {yes, that's up for debate}.  I've dropped the ball on many relationships.  but I've picked up the ball on being a bit more hands on in my parenting.  I'm still a mess.  but I am considering this year to be one of progress.  and of hope.  those three steps forward were HUGE.  those five steps back were baby steps.  and although I never want to admit it, grace is winning.  and will win.  and then I'll give her a big high five and take her into the garage to smoke a cigar.

glad to have y'all around on the crazy train!!  xo

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