from this moment

if you know the song reference, you get some ol' school brownie points!  it's stuck in my head, what can I say?

so I've had a lot of random rattling around in my head as of late.  it's really the same old shit, different day, but apparently this demon hasn't been laid to rest.  yet.  so, let me ramble my way through the unconnected and see if you can follow my thread.  I know, I ask a lot of you.  that's why I love you best.

I have been feeling really blah since we got back from vacation.  kinda normal, right?  well, it's gotten old.  really fast.  there is stuff that needs to get done around this house.

I really worked my ass off this spring, and at the end of june I was down a total of 20lbs and feeling really good.  I came back from vacation and was up 8.  not a huge deal, but a bit of a biggish deal.

this past week I tried a kazillon times to get my eating back on track.  my days were solid {for the most part} but then when john was at work at nights, I fell apart.  and there may have been an incident with the bottom of a jar of nutella last night.

blah + tight clothes + no motivation = more blah.  makes sense, right?  plus, I've been really bitchy with the kids.  I am flying off the handle just a bit too much.  it's kinda reminiscent of the summer of 2010.  the summer of CRAZYTOWN coming to live in my head.  THAT summer.

sugar is my nemesis.  the sugar dragon has it's claws in my head.  motivation is not my problem, but eating sugar in every form possible is totally my problem.  something I'm eating {that I think is healthy} has sugar in it.  it's making me crave more.  okay, so maybe I'm being over dramatic; what I know to be true is that all the will power in the world can't beat the chemicals and sugar in processed foods.  it sucks, but I need to cut that crap out.  all of it...{good bye yummy organic maple almond butter}.

then this morning, I had a bit of a revelation.  part of my revelation was this:  last night, my nephew slept over.  the kids were up too late and by the the time we got home from our movie, they were hyper and done all at the same time.  ty had sugar flowing through his veins and nate was whiney beyond control.  first he was hungry.  then he wasn't.  then he wanted toast.  then he wanted grapes.  then he expected that I'd just hop to it.  then he got mad.  he was having an-almost-ten-year-old-style temper tantrum.  and I was frustrated.  why can't the kid just pull it together for crying out loud?  you see where I'm going with this?  I've been having a tantrum.  a big one.  I'm tired.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad.  {insert whining and stomping noises here} I'm bored.  you get the idea.  so lets try the math on this one:  tantrum + tight clothes + the sugar dragon = an absolute bitch.  that's the reality.  and I'm trying to sell it in a nice pretty package of "post-vacation-blues".  eff that.

so, it's time to put on the big girl panties and start acting like a friggin' adult already.  kids can't say no to sweets.  I can.  kids have tantrums.  I don't need to.  kids push the boundaries with the rules.  been there, done that, have the t-shirt.  you get my point, right?  I am not a child.  it's time for me to start acting my age.  I can say no to the third glass of wine, knowing then I'll want to eat crap.  I can say no to ice cream, because I know it gets that sugar dragon roaring in my head.  I can say no to all of it.  I have that power.

so there are lots of reasons why I fall back into the same old habits.  and I'm not sure I want to get into them all tonight.  I'll do that later this week, I promise.  let's just say that seeing this quote today really hit close to home.

and just for the record, I was a big girl today.  there was no sugar binge.  there were some really healthy meals and some really great conversations with my "I knew her in kindergarten" lunch/shopping date today.  and perhaps a wee tweet that said this:  it's time to call bullshit on myself.  I'm done with the 10 year old pity party.  and I'll need this reminder tomorrow.  I'm old people, what can I say...