Monday, July 22, 2013

neon tiger

it's tough getting to the psychosis that is my brain.  I've been avoiding writing this for awhile.  in fact, I've been avoiding even thinking about the reasons I'm so screwed up.  auto pilot.  I rock the auto pilot. so you know the drill, more random that leads {hopefully} somewhere.

1.  I crave approval from the people around me.  this is really hard for me to write.  I'd like to think that I'm better than that.  that I live my life with an eff you attitude.  truth is that approval means everything to me.  this is a huge issue.  it's easy for me to act differently.  to play it cool.  I'm good at that.  but what I've realized is that this has impacted me far deeper than I ever realized.  I don't actually think that needing approval is a bad thing, but when it runs your life, it's officially a bad thing.  this has been running my life.  for a long, long time.  I have no plan.  I don't know what to do with this.  maybe I just need to process this for a bit.

2.  I'm a bit of an all or nothing person.  no surprises there.  ha!

3.  I self-sabotage most good things in my world.  okay, so usually the things that are fiercely personal are the things I sabotage.  the things that require some self care.  my diet {says the girl who thought a second piece of nate's birthday cake would be a good idea.  oh, that's right, I'm dealing with my emotional baggage, of course I'd eat more cake.}.  my finances.  I could keep going.

4.  there are three or four people in this world whose opinion of me matters more than it should.  when I don't get approval from them, it matters to me.  and because I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, these things matter.  and then I sabotage myself.  see.  I told you something would come of this.  I just don't like the outcome.  at all.

5.  I suck.  but there's hope.  I'm surrounded by people who love me.  I know I'm not perfect.  I have a good life.  but this shit needs to be dealt with.  I need to figure all this out.  and I have no idea what that needs to look like.  knowing there's a problem is a big part of dealing with the problem, right?

I'll revisit this.  soon.

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