smile

I'm having a hard time with that right now. these last two weeks have been almost unbearable in many ways. emotionally draining and a huge toll on my mental health. and yet, so little of it is really about me. the whole mortgage/house/stress thing is one thing. seriously, in light of all things good and special, it's low on the list of importance. exciting, but nicely in it's place. then the whole funeral thing last week has lead to some sacrifice this week, dealing with the aftermath in a 15 year old boy who really doesn't know how to deal with grief. we've had to put our plans on hold to do what we can to comfort and support and rally around, as a family. the strain has been hugely on me, however, just because of all the communication stuff. and this is what I do in my job at school - counsel, support, cry with, hug, fix, care for - with kids the same age. and then there was all the other stuff that was last week. and now today. I got some news this morning that a good friend of mine had a brain aneurysm last night. I am selfishly saying, "God, now I'm at the too-much point". my heart is so sad. she is in critical condition, but it's really critical. and yes, I know her family is really going through it BIG TIME and I am not that close to be in that circle, but I have been just so disconnected today. so sad. so shocked. all the house drama and stress seems so minor in comparison.

so, I came home and hugged my kids and john. because I can. I cooked dinner. because I can. I prayed with some friends. because it's the only thing I can do. and tomorrow, I will do the same. and the next day after that. just reminders that life is so precious. time is a gift. relationships are everything. stuff means so little. I want to be the person who spends more time kissing my kids than picking out tile. I want to invest more energy into my students that into choosing a dishwasher. I want to slow down and spend valuable minutes with a sad 15 year old than go to an exercise class.

what do you need to do today to connect with what really matters? I know what I need to do.

sweet caroline

so we put the first bit of money down on the new, new house. eeekkkk! now, we have a few weeks to get all the financing in place [which is mainly done], deliver our down payment and sign the contract. John & I are in a bit of a daze. we never imagined that we'd be able to own a new home, so this is pretty COOL! once we get the "part B" stuff in place, I'll start taking pictures! although we are really sad about having to leave our community, we know this is the best move for our family. our kids will stay at the same school and dayhome, since we'll only be ten minutes farther away; as of right now it seems really feasible for us and them. did I tell you that we are moving west? yeah. as west as you can move without leaving the city. we back onto 215 street. betcha half of you didn't even know edmonton went that far west [fair enough, so you're not all from edmonton!!]. anyways, if this is all I talk about for the next six months, forgive me. I am pretty excited [but trying not to be until EVERYTHING is in place].

bust a move

so, I am sitting here, alone in my house, waiting for john to come home and tell me that we've put an offer on a house. not just a house, but a new build. EEEEKKKKK! I am totally beyond freaking out. I didn't think I was this much of an adult. and let's be honest, house or no house, I am still not much of an adult in my brain. but, I am freaking. and so hoping that we've made the right choice. was there a right? or just a best in this moment? not too sure. honestly, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and this house seems to just need us, the way it's all come together. sigh. just need john to come home. I'll keep you posted on the deets...

lean on me

going for the list thing again. I like lists.

1. remember when I said that I felt discontented. it was for a reason.

2. john and I applied for a mortgage this week. we should know soon. I think. eeekkk!

3. went to chad's uncle's funeral today. nothing to say on that front. funerals are never fun.

4. I drank with connie last night while we watched all our wed night shows. wine + friend = needed big time.

5. found out some pretty rough stuff this week about a friend. things I knew, but never really knew the way I know now. now I'm sad.

6. went and saw sugar sammy perform at the winspear on tuesday night with john. it was to raise money for the franklin foundation. good night, great cause.

7. someone from my past contacted me this week via facebook. wants to do coffee. long and complicated. not too sure what to expect. tomorrow night.

8. the olympic torch went through here last night. cool beans.

9. I am forcing my kids at school to read the Hobbit. I think I am liking more than they are. it's all good!

10. I can't really think of a number 10. it's really been an overwhelming week and I've felt emotional and a bit crazy. like I said on #1, discontented. out of sorts. so, I'd better put my big girl panties [HATE that word!] on and face the wind as it begins to change. wish me luck.

I say a little prayer

have I used that title yet?

1. sore throat. grrr.

2. president of the bad mom's club - yes, that'd be me. wearing the crown today.

3. it's monday. grrr.

4. why do kids at school tell me things? I hold too much knowledge.

5. why are my kids at school so mean to each other? must they name call and torment? really?

6. big appointment tomorrow. totally stressed. tomorrow has the potential to set the path for what's to happen to the fraser family in 2010 [in a good way!]

7. chad's uncle passed away this weekend. feeling pretty crappy about that.

8. I'm not liking my kids very much right now. I love them dearly, but they are driving me NUTS.

9. glad that there is real tv back on this week - YEAH HOUSE!

10. discontent. the word that currently describes my state of mind. change is in the air. I don't like change, unless I'm the boss of it!!

walkin' on sunshine

so yesterday was down right dismal. poor showing on the scale. myself had a serious talk with me. as in: if you want this to really happen, then own it. all of it. the mistakes. the overeating. the bingeing. the fast food. the snacks. all of it. just own it. I did it. I chose it. every little bite. then, once I've owned it, I need to fix this. just do better today, then do better again tomorrow. and just continue at that pace. I am sick of being fat. and if I say it, and believe it, then really I can fix it. enough already. although it's not been two sugar free days, it's been two candy free days. and tomorrow I will just keep on going.

the stress in my life is just another excuse to put off me. enough already. I need to realize that there will always be stress. there will always be busy things going on. there will always be kids that need me both at home and at school. there will always be a lack of sleep and occasions and celebrations. all the excuses I've used to allow myself to eat crap. enough already.

one goal. one day. tomorrow: no candy. lots of water. eat because I'm hungry. I can do this. there is a much better looking me beneath all the layers of guilt and fat and self-loathing. it's time to deal with me.

okay. too much honesty. I can only take myself in doses!

you can't always get what you want

it's been a tough week. the first week back after a short break is always hard, but this week has been tough in a different way. found out some stuff about an old student this week that has me pretty moody. I don't really want to share all the details in such a public place, but regardless, I am in a bit of a mood. down right bitchy. the "feel sorry for myself" part of my brain just wonders if all the time and energy I invest in my kids is worth it. the "get over yourself, cor" part of my brain tells me that I need to get over myself [obviously] because what I get to do with and for kids every day is so beyond me. either way, I am eating to make up for my moodiness. because we all know that helps. yeah, right.

speaking of which [great segue, eh?], I have done an okay job of tracking most everything this week. I think it may be time to do a sugar purge tomorrow. I am in a sugar induced coma. and dealing with some pretty heavy sugar cravings. detox would do my body good. keep me accountable, okay? and, tomorrow is weigh in day. little bit nervous about that. grrr. maybe I'll drink a couple litres of water and crawl into bed.

mercy

same post last year at this time. I dare ya. go check. I wrote about watching the canadian boys play against the russians for the world junior hockey championship. tonight it's against the americans. then these commercials came on:

I just hope I get to here the canadian anthem at the end of the third period - at the end of the second it is tied at 3. and and this year, it's getting me in the mood for some olympic hockey. GO CANADA!

ETA: we lost, but played incredibly hard. I will wear red tomorrow regardless...

taking chances

survived the first day back at school. did more than survive, actually. I quite enjoyed my day. It was seriously good to be back in the game! okay, so maybe honestly I was ready to go home at lunch for a nap, but other than that it was good.

and it was a good eating day. I generally stayed the course...which is considerably better than being totally derailed by 10am. and, I did my exercise class tonight. one hour of torture. it's all good!

and now, the wood is on tv. mmmm. taye diggs. I used to think he was a hottie [pre-john]. watching this movie, I remember why I thought that!

proud mary

wow. I'm speechless. [only because I can't really think of anything to write about, not because I am shocked or anything!]

so I'm going to share some pics of some of the creating I did during the glee-o-rama of 2010. that and a picture of the stack of chipboard I cut for club! these are taken with my iPhone in poor lighting, so they are mediocre at best. all supplies are stampin' up! [except the giant paper clip - the lovely felt flower is SU!, the clip is not]. oh, and got the new year's card idea from someone else - totally NOT my original thought. not even remotely.

everything else [card wise] was me trying to use up supplies that I had cut for club, classes, etc. I had paper cut, just wanted to use it all up!

school starts again tomorrow - as odd as it sounds, I am happy to be going back.

have a great monday!

defying gravity

what's your word? seems to me that susan & I did this last year. need to go check...

holy freaky batman. so, in order to find THIS post, I also found these two posts: jan 1/09 and jan 2/09. turns out last year, I spent ALL of new years day in my pj's [last year I was sick, this year no excuse except a GLEE marathon of happiness and song]. I also made the exact same thing for breakfast last year. wow. I'm strangely predictable.

anyways, back to the word. last year, my word was LIFE - and it was about choosing life. did I accomplish this on any level? maybe yes, maybe no. perhaps it should be sometimes yes and sometimes no. maybe in fact, more yes than no. I'd be curious to poll the people in my life and see what they think. they may totally disagree!

so, do I pick the same word? to I aim for the same kind of life? in a lack of complete accomplishment, I feel inclined to keep the same. in not really wanting to live in the past, perhaps I pick something else. something that is kinda like the next step forward. I am leaning towards the word "inspire". it takes me beyond myself and maybe encourages me to inspire goodness and life in others. is that to lofty? not sure. it would definitely require changes in my own attitude and behaviours [like my trucker mouth!]. guess I've kinda decided.

INSPIRE

what word will you choose to define your year - what will set your tone? your philosophy? your mission? your vision?

crush

so, whatcha up to today? me, nothing. seriously. I am waiting for the boys to clear out, then I will wash the floors, and put GLEE on - and then clean my craft space. my dear husband is taking the boys to his mom's house for the morning. he'll be gone for most of the day. I love him.

let's see if I can manage a top 10 of sorts this morning:

the top 10 happy moments of 2009...[okay, and my order is out of order because I am writing them as I think of them!]

10. nate reading books to his brother

9. wednesday night exercise and tv watching with connie

8. wednesday "off-campus" lunches

7. trip to vegas

6. trip to osoyoos

5. vancouver half marathon

4. kelowna half marathon

3. trip to ottawa

2. hitting my 10% mark

1. coffee - seriously. with my mom. with my sister. with my friends. every morning. with john. at home. at starbucks. at school.

okay, so as suspected, there were a lot more as I started writing. christmas parties, birthday parties, canada day parties. a good, good year.

what are your top 10 happy moments?

Don't rain on my parade

I got through a huge portion of yesterday's list: coffee, lunch, the disappearance of christmas, vacuuming, food, reading, GLEE!!! did not wash the floors [I forgot and won't be doing it until tomorrow!]. did not shred bills. did not do the card thing. 7 out of 10 is pretty damn good. and now I am sitting and watching "the Soloist" with John. not very often we get to do that together on a thursday afternoon. happy.

it's got to be a good thing to end off both the year and the decade in happy mode. at the beginning of this decade I knew John, but we didn't start dating until the march of 2000. almost 1o years. 10 mainly good, usually great, occasionally unsure years. but really, 10 years. crazy!

was I happy when this decade started? was I even remotely content? I have no idea. okay, I have an idea. I was completely miserable. lonely. self-destructive. a hater. a cynic. I hated myself and I hated my life. I don't like to think of who I was back then. when I think about it, I become incredibly grateful for redemption. and grace. and a god who loves me regardless. and then I remember that I must daily do this for others. exemplify redemption, grace and love. I am so glad that I am ending this decade in a much better place than I started it. this is a very good thing.

happy new years, friends.

xoxo

dancing with myself

things to do before tomorrow night:

1. take down christmas

2. vacuum [well, this is John's job, but nevertheless needs to be done!]

3. wash the floors

4. shred old bills [like, we're talking OLD!]

5. lunch with susan

6. make & mail new years cards

7. buy some food for tomorrow night

8. read my book

9. drink some coffee [should be much earlier on the list]

10. buy season 1 of glee on dvd. EEEEEKKKKK!!! this makes my heart happy.

other than number 6, potentially all of these could really get accomplished. so, I went to weight watchers today. the last time I had been was nov 28th, so it had been a month. and, I only gained 3lbs. I am quite pleasantly surprised, since I was so sure I had gained 10lbs and would be starting back in square one. so, I've set a goal for this week: I am going to track EVERYTHING - good or bad. I am going to drink 6-8 glasses of water per day. I am going to go on an alcohol fast as of friday morning. january 1 until feb 1st. one month. I have had more booze in the month of december that it's embarrassing. seriously. martini's and margarita's have more calories than I really need in my body. and I have seriously been drunk almost every weekend this month. I am flippin' 37 years old and have no business getting drunk all the time. so, detox for the month of january. I am also contemplating cutting out sugar, but that may send my system into complete shock, so for now I will track everything and replace booze with water!!

saw a quote today that I liked:

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one that feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." [Theodore Isaac Rubin]

all you need is love

because I didn't post yesterday, I'll post twice today.

I read this blog post today [love her!] and then tracked most all of what I ate and did 30 serious minutes on my mom's treadmill. and tomorrow morning, I am going back to weight watchers. it's been nearly a month and I am pretty sure I've put on a few, just purely with all the booze I've inhaled this christmas. EEEEKKKK! to make myself feel better, I am drinking some baileys.

no more waiting for tomorrow.

can't fight this feeling

so I've already missed a day. oh well.

yesterday was a bit crazed, time wise and then I attempted to partition my time capsule/time machine thingy and this lead to some restoring, some erasing and some overnight backing up. still not too sure if I did it correctly, since I was really wanting part of this drive mounting on my computer. and some of you are reading and saying "blah, blah, blah". I get it. needless to say, my computer spent 12+ hours hard wired to the time capsule having a grand ol' time being backed up.

speaking of geek stuff, John & I watched the new star trek movie this past weekend and LOVED. it. seriously. was I ever remotely cool? because I know that now I am just a geek. I think I'm okay with that.

so my apple/mac one-to-one membership expired as of yesterday and I'm feeling a bit sad about that. I may renew. I was unaware that now it's only available to brand new mac owners. so I fall into a bit of a different category over there. I feel like really I know a lot, but am just generally forgetful. and in some cases, I know more that the trainers. not too sure how I feel about that. things to ponder.

alas, it's officially my first of three days in a quiet, quiet house. I hardly slept last night, so I may just go back to sleep. movie plans this afternoon - maybe sherlock holmes, if I'm lucky.

what movie would you choose?

no day but today

okay, so Allison blogged an advent calendar of blog posts [everyday for the 24 days leading up to Christmas. I think I am going to blog an un-advent calendar [the 24 day leading away from Christmas]. I am already a day late.

so Christmas in the Fraser house was pretty nice. busy, but nice. just the right amount of family time. and the kids were really great. until today. today is payback for the late nights and the early mornings. oh well. reality had to hit at some time. tomorrow [until thursday] they are off to the dayhome so I can have 4 days of peace and quiet. or 4 days of cleaning up the post-Christmas mess!

I went to Connie's last night to drink and hang out. we ended up watching rent - one of my FAVORITE musicals. I would love to see it on broadway someday. a serious "must-do" in my life time. which got me thinking of other things I want to do in my life time. I'd like to say that I could share this list, but so far I only have one thing on it. I think that it's kinda ironic that I haven't thought about this before now, since I am totally a future thinker [it's my new self-analysis. like it?]. I am usually a planner in my head. I make lists, dates, add to calendars and live my life accordingly. and, in my defense, it's how I make my life generally work with work, kids, husband, church, family, fun, friends, etc. I am really all about what is going to happen later, tomorrow, next week. this is not really a bad thing. in fact, I am good with my futuristic thought patterns and life. HOWEVER, in being this way, I do need to force myself to slow down and enjoy the moment. I spend a lot of time talking and planning and worrying about the future and perhaps I don't balance it with living in the present. and here comes the rent tie-in. these are the lyrics from my favorite rent song. although I don't plan to go from being an unbalanced futuristic thinker to an unbalanced "present-only" thinker, the lyrics do resonate with me in a way that perhaps I need to consider.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright

No other course
No other way
No day but today
I can't control My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

so, today, I will endeavour to just enjoy today. and then tomorrow, I will try to do the same. and just really work on living with no regret, whether I make it to NYC to see rent or not.

no air

sigh.

I am at home today - yes, it is torturous of me to leave a sub with my class on the last week of school before Christmas break, I know. I felt a bit off yesterday morning and should have just stayed home in the first place, but no, I drove all the way in and just sat in my chair starring off into space, until I could handle no more. so I ditched my class at 11:00 and drove all the way home.

my symptoms, other than the lovely cold I have, include the chills [like seriously, warmth was NO where to be found], sore skin, and the lower half of my body just ached. laying in bed was torture. it felt like my blood was pooling. there is no way to describe this, other to say that there were spotty aches on the sides of my legs that were touching a surface. then this morning, a miracle happened. I woke up feeling like it had all been in my head. no chills, no soreness. the cough is back, but hey, that is a familiar. the only lingering thing I have is these large red spots on my right shin. they're tender and feel/look like an allergic reaction. SO STRANGE! so, don't know what I have/had. if this was the H1N1, then it wasn't so bad. if this is just the prelude to the flu, then EEEEKKKK!!!

personally, I think that I may just be allergic to cold weather. we've had an unbelievable cold stretch - like 4-5 days lingering in the -35/-40+ weather. like brutal. honestly, I enjoy winter. I love how the snow looks and feels under my feet. I love how it makes a city incredibly silent. I just love winter in the -10/-15 range, not any colder! so, I am sticking to my story of my sudden illness being my body just having an allergic reaction to the steady cold. today is warmer, hence the miracle recovery!!

so, I am still taking the day off [had made that decision yesterday when I felt like a smushed cracker]. I think I may shower. go to the drug store. make some cards. so exciting!

some pics...

so we're house bound. ventured out into the great big world of snow today and ended up with a blown out tire on one car and another car a bit suck in the snow. after some help, we got home from the gingerbread house making party in one piece, and set up christmas. it's a bit nuts. oh well, we'll try again tomorrow!!

the snow

know how I was wishing for snow? well, be careful what you wish for - we went from BONE DRY to 10+ cm of snow in 24 hours. honestly, it's not the actual snow that I have issues with. I like the snow. it's like magic. the whole "leaving in the dark" [aka 7am] and "coming home in the dark" [aka 430pm] seems all a bit less dark with the whiteness of the snow. I actually want to pull out the Christmas tree tonight. magic.

HOWEVER [and you knew that was coming!], I hate how the city of edmonton can't seem to get the graters out. especially on the side streets. I rather dislike driving my little car in this heaping street mess as well. and I especaially dislike how all the truck drivers in this town [and THAT is a high ratio] seem to think that they own the road. and can go any speed they want, regardless of the road conditions. I spent 2.5 hours on the road yesterday [just going to and from school] and hated every minute of it. however, slow and steady wins the race! maybe when we head out today, the roads will be in better shape, but I have no hope for edmonton drivers!!

in other news...

1. I was going to post the pictures of the cards we did last week for the christmas card thingy I hosted. I'll see if I can find them and show them off.

2. I know I haven't talked about weight watchers lately. I've been going fairly regularly, and the scale has stayed pretty much the same since september. I am fighting feeling really discouraged about this. it's been a year since I joined and I am in no way belittling the fact that I am 20lbs lighter than I was last year. I had just hoped for double. thing is, I need to own this. be proud of it. not make light of my accomplishments. and forge ahead. I know this program works for me. and I would love to write a similar post next year saying that I've lost 20 more. so what's holding me back? laziness. my dislike for hard work. my ability to stop talking about it when I don't want to be accountable. boredom. my love of food. my need to feed my stress. you know them all. am I proud of the year I've had? absolutely. I lost a small one-year old off my ass and walked the equivalent of a marathon this year. I did 7 weeks of bikram. I've been going to my exercise every chance I can. I feel better and xl t-shirts are too big. my tendency is to be okay with this. this is my mantra: DO HARD THINGS [get your mind out of the gutter!] it's about doing things that are difficult because all good things come with some seriously hard work.

3. I signed up with norwex.

4. I really am so lucky that I get to go to work everyday with people I respect and care about. I love my job. I love my students. I feel so fortunate to be in this time, in this place, doing what I get to do.

5. we get to make gingerbread houses at my cousins house this afternoon. this is one of my favorite traditions. it's going to be CRAZY fun!

6. have you been watching glee??? why not? the world is being overrun with crap reality shows. support the good stuff! oh, and if you're not already watching it, FNL makes a comeback in Canada in january - you should be watching FNL too!!!

7. gonna take a shower now. oh. maybe I'm out of time. perhaps a hat will do the trick!!

xoxo