and another version

something newish!

clarity

sometimes things happen and clarity occurs. this week has been one of those time. although the 10 metres of snow has mucked me up BIG TIME [flat tire, stuck in a snow drift], I have had a revealing week. and some decisions have been made: I am going to apply for the epsb leadership course again. I didn't get in last year, which turned out to be a very good thing, but I would like to give it another go; I really think this is something I could be good at. and john is going for a job interview tomorrow. and bottom line, it's freeing to know that really it's about taking care of those who are in the airplane not about how high I can fly.

The Way I See IT #290

"on the battlefield of ideas, winning requires moving towards the sound of the guns" this quote struck a chord with me as I was sitting in church, drinking my coffee [that's what happens when church is pretty much sponsored by starbucks]. I am in a bit of a funk - thought I was getting over the effects of the "winter funk", considerably worse this winter, for some reason - and the weather has me going stir crazy.

back to the quote - I generally hate conflict. I try not to cause it, I try to solve it, I talk myself down from it...all of those great things. not too sure if I ever want to be a winner, if I have to find the guns. it does get me thinking in a more philosophical train of thought though. good things take hard work. nothing comes easy. ever. how do we ever know peace, if we've never stepped into the fire? how do we ever recognize goodness, if all we have ever known is evil? and then what? how do you change the survival mode from "I'm just holding on for dear life" to "I am okay"? the shift in mentality is a tough one. for me, for the last 5 years, I have lived a life that puts my kids/family/career in full dependency mode. small kids need their mother. a new marriage needs a wife present [and not just to do the laundry!!]. a new teacher needs to figure it all out on a lot of levels! now that as a family we are not so new, more familiar, more grown up, perhaps I am not feeling so overwhelmed by it all. and now that I am not feeling so overwhelmed by my life, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel restless. the mentality shift hasn't keep up to my ever-changing life. this is a time where my kids need me more than ever. what a mondo-huge job. a hard job. but the job I am, above all else, called to do.

I feel like this winter, I've been a coward. a person who has just shut themselves away from life and just maintained. and in some cases, not maintained at all. and perhaps this is why the snow today has me in a tizzy. I have not been really great at anything lately. not a great friend. not a great mom. not a great wife. not a great sister. I have been terribly self-absorbed.

so, as all things are, this is going to take some hard work on my part. and it's going to start by making some things right, and making some apologies. and I am going to beat this thing that is on me and start by looking for where I need to be in battle right now. and as a friend told me this weekend - it's not how high the airplane flies, or how fast it gets there, but that it just keeps going towards it's destination [totally paraphrased from a very drunk conversation!].

the realist in me needs a plan, but I think that I need to sleep on all these thoughts and the conversations I've had this weekend. the right choices are never the easy ones. and for once, I think I may be okay with that.

[and this is what happens when you help someone drink 2 bottles of wine on a friday night, watch "the assassination of jesse james" on a saturday night and drink starbucks coffee on a sunday morning in church...God works in some pretty cool ways.]

I am such a delinquent blogger

seriously. I am in a bit of a post-spring break funk. creatively stunted. tired 24-7. eating every oreo in sight so I don't really have to deal with my lack of a life. spring break was really great - I got some stamping in there, some walking done, some cleaning finished. this past week has zapped me though. gotta love deadlines at work.

regardless, I have made a few things and taken some pics of the kids...so in lieu of the chit chat I would normally have at this point, here are the pics!!

clean space...

I cleaned up downstairs last night. new shelves, some things got moved and I actually had a clean desk for 24 hours. and then, I did kristina's colour challenge and my desk is a mess AGAIN! alas, the results were pretty good, I think! this is what happens when you have ethiopian coffee at 8:00 at night...WOOHOO!!!! yeah, good stuff. perhaps sleep will come, but I think I will stay up and watch george first...yumm-o!

so, here's my card...not a single stamp to be had, but some great paper, WONDERFUL felt flowers and some SU! bling.

a smattering of pics from this weekend...

the mug ones were taken this morning, as the boys were enjoying some chocolate milk in their new easter mugs...what posers. unlike sunday morning. couldn't get a good picture of them both just being nice & smiling to save my life. grrr!!!

little effort, great reward

so in an effort to be a better mom, the boys and I went on an adventure this morning. after the night we had last night [no one really slept for any significant length of time], my big plan was to lay low and not leave the house [then I wouldn't really need to shower, dress, put contacts in...]. but because I am working harder to set my kids up for behavioural success, I got up and fed them a decent breakfast [cheerios and milk - way better than the chocolate breakfast of yesterday!] and we decided we needed to go on an adventure. so, rubber boots on our feet, sunglasses intact, hoodies on our heads, we set out for the iga [yes, I know, it's only 4 blocks away!!]. okay, so this wasn't a big adventure, but considering it is often just easier to stay home and not meet the day, it was a "sorta" adventure! ty wore my sunglasses and found a stick in the neighbour's yard and nate wore his leg warmers and his own sunglasses! okay, so it may be 4 degrees out...but the wind is COLD! so we trek to the iga, get the few groceries we need, stop at connie's for a minute on the way back, then get into the car to finish off our adventure! the car part was part of the plan, since I knew that ty would never make it all the way to blockbuster and back [5 blocks in the opposite direction of iga!]. so, each of the boys got to pick a video and I picked up "no country for old men" since everyone I've talked to seems to rant and rave about this movie. then a short walk over to second cup for coffee, and back in the car for the 2 minute drive home!

seems fairly insignificant, rather ordinary morning, but we had a fun time and now ty is sound asleep [LOVE nap time!!]. all is well. and as I look at my dirty floor, I know that it can wait for a broom...opportunities to hang out with the kids and "look for signs of spring" [nate's words!] in the neighbourhood was definitely the better choice.

here I go again...

I have run out of blog titles!!

finally, I have two little boys that both got close to 14 hours of sleep each. and shockingly, I like them today [wonder if that's a coincidence!!]. yesterday was not my best mom day. both boys were cranky [sleep deprived and they refused to eat anything but easter treats...yeah, ty found a box of whoppers at 8am yesterday morning...that should have been a sign]. I couldn't pay ty to eat anything of substance yesterday. needless to say, not my best mom day on many, many counts. I did, however, get loads of stuff done yesterday [because I have the BEST husband in the world...he took both boys after church to his mom's house for several hours!]. groceries are bought, shower present bought [I've been invited to two showers this week - it's a BABY BOOM!! - and I was sad that I couldn't make it to tyson's party], easter treats bought, coffee was consumed and I did an hour's walk.

makes me think. while I was walking I was listing to al gordon speak on leadership and he said to list your goals/priorities for your life. then he said that above all plans that we make with our lives, that our families and kids must come first in order to experience success anywhere else. this is totally contrary to how most people view authentic leadership. there are many priorities on my list [save the world, change the world, lose weight, be the best in my profession] I need to put my kids and my family before these things. I've been struggling with meaning in my life. at the beginning of lent, I quoted the scripture "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not, on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight" [the cori version of the NLT]. and in trying to live this out the message I have heard through all of this is this: I am in the right place. so, instead of being the person who saves all the starving children in sudan, I need to be a great mom to my own children right here. I need to be a support to my kids at school. I need to get my head out of my arse and be a good friend.

so, here I begin again; well maybe not begin altogether, but I need to get my head back in the game and my feet back on the right path. and when I sit in church tomorrow morning, reflecting on the significance of the day, I will be there with a full, thankful heart.

trying something new!

I made this new video, and tried to make it just love my blog. yeah. totally didn't work! so, let's try this... CLICK HERE!

you can't always get what you want

yes, the song is cranked and ty has spatulas and a drum set made with a bucket turned over; nate has a wooden fork to play guitar on. my kids, the musicians! [oh and both are wearing eskimo jerseys!!].

the last week [or so] has been pretty hectic...totally playing catch up on all I missed in the 5 days I was vacationing. although I am looking forward to the 4 day weekend, I am looking even more forward to spring break. 5 days of NO SCHOOL. NO KIDS. just me, my house, my cleaning supplies, my garbage bags and a stack of books. all is well when I can clean & purge my house in peace! oh, and I need to strap my runners on and walk every day for the next 6 weeks. yeah. the race is in only 6 weeks. time to get my buttola in gear!!

off to sit and read. I am sure enjoying that the sun is staying out until close to 8pm.

palm springs

well, after a SUPER long day, I am safely at home! palm springs was super relaxing, and a worthwhile trip. we shopped everyday, I read 2 books, I cuddled julian, drank tons of coffee...it was all good! and although I am super tired, I feel relaxed and happy to be home. and since I took out my camera for the first time today [yeah, it sat in my suitcase the WHOLE trip], I only have a handful of pics...these are the view from the back of the house!

lots of little things

I am so thankful that I have a wee holiday coming up this next week. it's a well timed break. I drank too much last night, and paid the price this morning! I feel displaced this week and a bit out of sorts - all because I read a stupid book. okay, so the book is far from stupid, but it's thrown me off course. I am 35 years old. I shouldn't really be having this much uncertainty about my life. I usually stuff all this away and just keep living my same old boring life. don't know if I can do it this time. I read the book "what is the what" and now I am a bit obsessed with everything I can read on the sudan. I am just so unsure of what to do with it all.

on another note, the non-plan has been no-plan this week...too many treats, not enough fiber. I have made this observation though: when I don't follow the non-plan, I don't feel so hot. back to the non-plan, dude!!

teachers convention - day 1

I love teachers convention - I get to reconnect with old friends and just hang out with some really nice people. today, I got to see Rabbi Shmuley who was TOTALLY AWSOME! I wish I had more time to tell all the stories, but I need to get the kids packed up...off to our small group tonight. more convention tomorrow!!

so tired

why are short weeks always so long? mmmm.

made some cards today...nate helped me, since the one card is for his little friend! enjoy!!

one of THOSE days

one of those crazy-deadline-sit-in-meetings-roll-your-eyes kind of days. the kind of day that gets 14g of fiber and 3 treats. the rough day on the non-plan. they do exist. I am so tired of being sick, and being tired, and cleaning the house. being tired always makes me want to eat junk. I need to get some sleep, and begin again [or not begin again!] tomorrow. lots of deadlines this upcoming week, so I think I'll be at school tomorrow doing report cards...one thing out of the way!

well THAT explains it!

yup. I should have seen a doctor on friday. before the long weekend of coughing hell. I honestly thought it would go away, like colds do. today I finally admitted that this was NOT your garden-variety cold. and the doctor agreed. it's bronchitis. the kind that likes to lead to pneumonia if you're not careful. thank goodness for drugs and prescription cough medicine with codeine. I am just waiting for it to kick in so that I can sleep in my bed for the first time in 5 days. poor john is just exhausted...not as exhausted as me, mind you!

anyways, I'm on the mend. all will be well again, in the fraser household!

new things!!!!

most of these are made with the new berry bliss paper...that I LOVE!!! and the others...well a sneak peak of what is coming in the new mini! [silver hardware & die cut blossoms!!]

how I hate

being sick. I don't get sick like this super often, so when it hits, it's nasty. and somehow, with all the coughing [the dry, hacking, can't catch your breath type] I've strained my neck. grrr. and this afternoon, in the middle of class, I had a strange eye thing happen...my pupils decided not to adjust to the sunlight. crazy huge pupils, causing that sort of eye thing you get after going to the eye doctor and getting "THE" drops. just not cool. I went home early, then felt okay. this whole cold thing is just getting stupid. I am holding off taking some more meds, since I'd like to take my next dose closer to bed time...because tonight I NEED, NEED, NEED to sleep!

as far as the non-plan goes...it is going well. a good week of moderate, happy, guilt-free eating. kinda crazy how less stressed I feel about the whole thing...no more sneaking food, fueling the "last supper" mentality. it's all good.

and although I am sitting at my desk, hoping to create some lovely things with some lovely new things, I am thinking that I should be thinking about bed.

a full day

well, I weighed myself this morning...down 2lbs [I'll do my measurements tonight and NOT post them!]. I am officially on my "I-have-no-real-plan-so-don't-ask-me-about-the-plan" plan. seriously. I am calling this one the non-plan. exercise as per the usual [as in, I'm training], make sure I get 25 grams of fiber per day, drink 2-3L of water, and eat one treat per day. I will do a weigh/measure again on easter monday. there is a lot of trust I have to have with myself in order to not have a plan. trust that my body will tell me when I am hungry and full. trust that my body will get healthier, knowing it will be fed. trust that I don't have to sabotage a plan, when we're on the non-plan. I'm strange. I know. off to class tonight, were I will pay someone money to torture my muscles. life is good.