I want to hold your hand

so, my sweet nate turned nine last weekend.  I'm quite sure that I've missed some years somewhere, and possibly some inches.  I know everyone says, "where does the time go?", but honestly, I remember bringing him home from the hospital like it was yesterday.  I remember my water breaking in evie's kitchen.  driving myself to the hospital because she doesn't drive a standard.  trying to get a hold of john because he was in school at the time.  induction.  emergency c-section.  not being able to manage the pain afterwards, but clueless how to find someone to help me!  having the nurses take him for the night so I could sleep.  breast feeding.  trying to breast feed.  having a stranger grab my boob and just STUFF it in his mouth.  ha!  and wondering when his real parents were going to come and get him because I was done babysitting.  it seems like it was yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.

and I remember his first birthday, when he only weighed 17 lbs and was considered "failure to thrive".  he had lost weight and was throwing up any food I would give him.  it was a relief when we found out that he had allergies.  and a bigger relief when a year later he had caught up with his weight and out-grown all of his food allergies.

and now he's nine.  still a little boy, but struggling to be his own person.  he is kind and sweet and good.  he has a kind heart that wants to give to those around him.  but he's fearful - sometimes scared to be his own person.  I worry sometimes that his sensitive spirit will be crushed.  even by my own words.

he still kisses me goodnight.  holds my hand in a busy place.  hugs me goodbye.  is the first person to call me on my birthday.  still sleeps with his bear-bear.  he's clever with numbers and has been known to create amazing pieces of artwork {only at school, of course!}.  he's my soccer player with a coveted left kick and he has a knack of knowing where the play in the game is going.  everyone wants to be his friend.  he loves sports and telling jokes.

he is a good kid; I am lucky to be his mom.  and my prayer for him is that he grows up to be a good man.  that he doesn't cave to peer pressure.  that he does what he knows is right.

happy birthday, my sweet boy.  I love you love you.