this time tomorrow...

we got to do a walk through the new house today...just a little over one month!! WOOHOO!!

inside the new house - standing in the living room, looking at the kitchen!

below, the view of the front door...I am going to do a "hook" wall on that wall to the right [hang all sorts of hooks at different heights - I've been collecting some from anthropologie!! they have initials and pretty patterns on them!]

so we've officially moved out of the old house and are now living with John's mom. although the kids are having some adjustment problems, it's all going really well. the boys are not liking the 645 wake up time and the crawling in the door after soccer much later than normal [like almost 8pm]. three days a week we have a crazy schedule. add a haircut and a grade 9 farewell dinner this upcoming week and it's looking busy again!

so to add to my plate [or maybe to take care of myself in the midst of this chaos], I went back to weight watchers today. it had been over two months since I had last been, and the damage, although evident, was not as bad as I had anticipated. I was up 6 pounds. but, it being the first day of my cycle and having spent four hours last night eating [we were at the melting pot...YUMMY!], I'm not feeling too bad about it. and I set a goal for myself - that I would walk for 45 minutes at least 5 times this week. so today, I went on the treadmill at my mom & dad's for 45 minutes. it was good. I feel good. and maybe this time around, my behaviour needs to change before my attitude changes. I am not feeling all "rah-rah" about my life right now, but maybe I need to stop waiting to feel it and just do it. okay. so the kids are driving me nuts. it's 938 and they should be sleeping. grrr.

soccer

the theme song for the fifa world cup of soccer. it starts in a couple of weeks and we're excited to be watching and cheering for the netherlands. nate is pretty excited. I like being a soccer mom. I like bragging that my kid scored 8 goals the other night. ty was SOOOOOO proud of himself!! no mention of the fact that his opposing team basically stood still and picked grass!

and in other news, our house is in a storage container. todays load up went really well, but we're super tired. lots to do still tomorrow - but it has more to do about garbage. ick. LOL. off to get boys to bed. we're at my mom's house tonight [they're not home] and the kids are a bit out of sorts! alas, one month and it will all be good. sigh.

I'm super-duper. no really.

HA! it's wild and crazy here in the fraser household. SUPER NUTS! one more week and 80% of the moving will be done. if only I had no distractions and other things hitting my plate...uh-umm...nevermind. I'd still procrastinate. I may be a pro at moving [I own a saran wrapper thing AND two tape guns], but I am not really pro at handling my mouth. it's hard to keep it all in check when my head isn't in the game. and I've really mucked it up in the last few days. I've been judgmental. I've said one too many swear words in front of the kids. I've made promises that I've promptly forgotten about. I've missed appointments. I've taken out my frustration on people that really needed kind words. and in those moments, I've felt like I am 12 years old again. like a crazed, out of control pre-teenager. no wonder I am popping pepto every day to keep my stomach decent. sheesh. I think I may spend the weekend alone so I can stop having to apologize so much. now I just need to find some people to help us load up the pod. I hate asking. I have moved one too many times.

and in other news, I've had a good week. I ate smartly, did a couple walks, invited a couple of teenage girls for dinner on monday. yeah. three deaf teenagers in my house on monday for supper. it just doesn't ever get dull around here.

wish me luck.

come thou fount

o to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be

let thy grace now like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.

prone to wander, lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love

here's my heart, o take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

I've often used the metaphor of the kite and the holder of the kite to describe my life and my relationship with John. I was this very airy-fairy, loose flying kite before I met him. he grabbed that string and has been holding on for dear life ever since. luckily for him, this crazy kite has stopped flying so out of control to the point where there is this syncopathy [yes, I made that word up]. this harmony. the problem is that I am getting restless. a bit more than I have been in a long, long time. I think this is for a couple of reasons - I've been in the same job description for 3 years [longer than any other time in my career]; this has been an enormously stressful spring and I haven't been able to have the same type of connection with my husband that I typically need [I need time with him - time without the stress of kids, time just hanging out]; we've bought a house [a terribly adult decision with very adult responsibilities]; nate's been out of sorts and I don't always like the kind of mom I am with him; ty's been generally sweet and wonderful and I feel guilty that I sometimes like him more than his brother [although I know this was not the case even six months ago when all roles were reversed]; I have fallen off the wagon with my diet & exercise and I really am not liking the extra-extra 10 pounds I have to loose to get back to where I was in october.

discontent. restless. unhappy? I really don't know. maybe stress is masking and morphing my emotions and my reality. I have no reason to be unhappy. I am uncertain though, and historically change brings out the crazy in me. so, this is me breathing deeply. enjoying the moment. loving that I got the phone call saying that we get possession of our new house a full 5 weeks earlier than expected. instead of stressing about all the details, I am going to enjoy this moment. the one where the holder of this crazy & the kite that gets to be held onto in a forever kind of way get to move into their very first house of their own. eeeeekkkkkk!!!

and in other news, I stayed within my points today. I made good nutritional choices. I walked for 50 minutes and included a significant hill. and tomorrow I will endeavor to do the same.

st veronika

so there has been a rampage of bowel illness in this house for the last two weeks. first it was ty [took a half day off for that extravaganza] and then it was nate's turn last weekend [a lovely combination festival] and then this weekend it was me. too good to be true. I don't get sick very often [other than the odd cold/sinus gig], but this was a bit icky. so much so that I stayed home from school today - 'cause ewww gross. the kids are still not 100% and neither am I, but since I now own pepto bismol in several varieties, I feel like I can confidently leave the house.

all that, and I had an epiphany today. during my slight bought of energy this afternoon, and knowing that I couldn't stray more than 10 metres from the toilet, I did some packing [only 2 more weeks, folks!]. during my packing, I tried on some clothes and got a nice look at myself in the mirror. all that work I did last year to remove some poundage from this body has got to s*it. okay, not all of it. I will be SHOCKED if I get on the scale tomorrow morning and see that awful number I saw 18 months ago, but it is not where it was in October when I had hit my 10% mark. so I did something radical. I took some pictures. now, I took the pictures and that was a HUGE step for me. I am not quite ready to post them. but, I am ready to do something about them.

and today, I started doing what I know works...eating less, moving more. I ate less [and yes, it totally helped that I was sick and had no appetite!] and I went for a 4o minute walk this evening. thank you, little pink pill! and although I have so little motivation coupled with an enormous amount of stress, I think I can do the same thing tomorrow. and then we'll try again for wednesday. if I don't, then that AWFUL number will show up on the scale yet again and then it will take a big ol' smack upside the head to get me moving again. I am going to beat this "no motivation" thing with a good healthy dose of perseverance. we'll see if it works for me.

theme song

what is the theme song of your life? and really, by life, I mean current life - let's be honest, one song cannot encompass an entire existence, can it? I rotate between a couple [currently]:

steal my kisses by ben harper

sorrow by bad religion

uprising by muse

gives you hell - the glee version!

just by titles alone, looks like I am going through some sort of emotional crisis!! more like I am listening to stuff that kicks some ass. I am rather tired of feeling old. and boring [okay, I don't really believe that I'm boring]. I just feel rather blah. icky. not myself. what does this do with having a soundtrack? well sometimes I think that when you change the recording in your head, it can change your attitude. a change in attitude can change behaviour. I need a behaviour/attitude change. I need a bit more zing. I need to give more hell.

oh, and here's the latest house picture - taken on sunday! we have full-on siding and it's continuing to look more and more like a real house!! LOVE THAT!

what are the tunes playing in your head?

if you're happy and you know it...

so, I had big plans to show you updated pictures of the new house and for some reason they disappeared. if I can get that all sorted before I'm done this post, I'll show ya! apparently, they are still a month ahead of schedule - which I think is a good thing. we are here in this current house for the next few weeks, but it's going to be CHAOS between now and then. in addition to soccer three nights a week, we've starting packing. I figure if I give it a go every second night or so, then it should be done in no time. the hard part is that we are going to live with John's mom for about 6 weeks. figuring out what to take with us could be the interesting bit. part of me just wants to take my entire closet. and I may just do that. I like having choice. I think I'll be okay with the kids stuff - all their toys are coming to grandma's and I did a huge purge of their clothes last month, so everything that is in their drawers is coming with us. I think it's just all the coordinating that may kill me. I just keep trying to remember that in less than 3 months, we'll be in our own house. sigh.

then just to put me in my place, last night was puke-o-rama at our house. oh, good times. good. times. as poor nate sat on the toilet with his puke bucket in hand, I had to have a wee laugh about why I look so tired all the time. I have small children. they puke. they poo. they make messes. they are the reason for the stretch marks and the laugh lines. they are the reason I don't always have time to make calls at the end of the day or blog. but, I get to go to soccer games and laugh at my kid wearing plaid pants, socks and sandals. and at the end of the day, especially on nights where bed time is not a fight, I am just grateful. remind me of this on those other days...please?

still no picture. the email is just not coming through.

don't go chasin' waterfalls

sigh.

I swear that the older I get, the more PMS I get. today, I was a bear. my poor nate got the brunt of it. deserved? never. justified? not really. pushing all my buttons? absolutely. overtired? you betcha. finally, after having an argument over why cool whip is not an appropriate snack in bed [can I have cool whip? no. can I have cool whip? no. - x20], I walked away, closed my door and cried. seriously bawled my eyes out. I sat on the hard, cold floor of my bedroom and sobbed. "I can't do this mom thing. I'm awful. I am wrecking my child. I'm damaging him for life." all things that were going through my head. then, he came into my room, sat on my lap and hugged me. he wiped my tears and asked if I was okay. we talked about how I want him to grow up to be a kind, obedient boy. I apologized for yelling. I told him that he needed to go to bed. he asked for cool whip. after I said no, yet again, he asked for a banana.

this exhausts me. emotionally and physically. I don't know how people in their forties have babies - babies turn into toddlers, preschoolers and grade one boys. more work that I can deal with in a day.

that all said, I feel rotten. tomorrow I will hug him again and make sure he knows he's loved. and I am grateful that tomorrow is a brand new day - fresh with no mistakes in it. [courtesy of Miss Shirley from Anne of Green Gables] grace new every morning. for this I am thankful.

seriously!

okay, I've missed you, my dear blog. I have been busy - both physically and emotionally. I've come home at the end of my days absolutely drained, only to have to clean the house, pack up the kids for another showing...almost every night for the last month. today, things have turned a bit. I feel that I can breath. the house is in pending, three weeks until we are out of here, the new house is a month ahead of schedule. sigh. there is so much more to this story - one that takes place over a cup of coffee and not in a public forum. regardless, dear blog, I am going to make this up to you. I am going to post everyday for the next three weeks. everyday until the may long weekend. that is the goal. and soon, we will be friends again.

Nate - playing with sticks! and Ty, chillin' after his piano solo!

derailed

sorta derailed. or maybe just out of sorts. or slammed at work. regardless, I've been neglectful of my dear blog. I feel incoherent and confused in my head. since the last blog post, I've written all my report cards, updated all my IPPs, signed all the house papers and finalized the changes, dealt with crap at work [kid crap mainly] and have attempted to keep my head above water. life keeps pushing it under. coughing and sputtering is never a good place to be.

the whole lent thing has been okay. there have been a few mishaps along the way, and some general avoidance, but other than that it's been good. I may just keep living this way. generally, my belly is feeling a lot better - and I'm eating more veg. and cooking WAY more. it's all good.

sigh.

I have a potentially great pumpkin loaf in the oven and it's needed more bake time. other than that, it smells DELISH. healthy, yummy [I hope] and dairy free!

here's a pic of the new house [as of today!] - I am starting to get excited.

and we bought a new couch this week - our first big furniture purchase! the first couch we've bought together, although the hand-me-downs have served us well!

and, as of wednesday [yes, st patty's day!], John and I have been together for 10 years. not married for 10, but we started dating 10 years ago. super crazy. I suddenly feel old. or maybe just like an adult. all these adult choices and decisions. I guess at 37 it's time to be an adult. I don't like that much!!! [and I'll always be 14 in my head - a crappy age to be stuck at mentally, but it could be worse!!!]

xoxo

one week and counting

thoughts on this week:

1. I am okay.

2. I can handle a week of high stress.

3. I love teachers convention.

4. it was really great running into some old friends.

5. I am happy that our new house now has a roof and windows.

6. ty is the only one in this house that loves my pumpkin muffins as much as I do.

7. I threw a perfectly good cupcake in the garbage today.

8. I was down 2.8 today.

9. I really wish my belly liked quinoa.

10. the things I do with my life have an impact - I can choose if it's good or bad.

11. I like seeing my name on my door every morning.

12. I really like that one of my kids went to starbucks for me at lunch the other day.

13. I am so thankful that the days are getting longer. I can roll up to school at 7:15 and it's light already!

14. I think the olympics have rocked this year. and yes, I am biased. GO CANADA!

when the night feels my song

so, today is my official first day of no dairy, no red meat. I have been easing myself in this week, however. can't do the whole "cold-turkey" thing. plus, I needed to use up my pricy, yet tasty, goats cheese! I did discover something today [unfortunately for my diet]. peeps are dairy free. full of sugar, but dairy free. this, my friends, is a bad, bad thing. at only 28 calories per peep, and totally fat-free, that is 0 points. bad, bad peeps. on the other hand, I've been cooking more. and today I found a recipe for a mediterranean pizza that is dairy free [crust by scratch] that I think I am going to try making next weekend. I can be this girl.

I think if this lenten season proves anything, it will be the importance of living with intention. I am re-discovering the necessity for reading labels and assessing what I can eat or not eat. this week I am going to focus on trying some new recipes - something with quinoa, if I can manage it. and maybe next week I'll spend some time being introspective about my hunger [as in, is it mental hunger or is it stomach hunger...that takes some post-report card time, not to be done pre-report card!]. I also want to be down 2 lbs this week. I know this is going to mean really tracking and remaining conscious throughout my stress. I can do this. I need to do this. for me, for my family, for my health. good riddance already. dean mentioned an important point in church today - that lent is to help steer us back on course. one or two degrees off doesn't make an initial difference, but over time it can pull things right off track. I need to be back on track. course plotted. intention set.

today

I am so thankful for my sweet husband. he is kind and caring. and he really is my anchor when my day has been seriously insane. I get to come home to a peaceful place every night. and for this, I am truly thankful.

[I edited this photo with my iPhone using the camerabag filter "1962". love the retro/shaft look!]

showstopper

so we have some walls. and for this I am thankful! [we're on the LH side]

there is a plan...

so after posting last night, I got word that the kids at church will be doing a giving chart thingy over lent - which is something John & I can do with the kids. problem solved! in addition, today I bought groceries that will support me as I phase into a no-dairy plan. I have pumpkin muffins in the oven and am excited to start transitioning into this lent season this week. [yes, I am giving myself a week to transition - no "cold turkey" over here!!].

in other news, canada is having the party of her life over in vancouver and I am loving all the olympic action that we get on the ol' telly. I had a moment when the anthem was played tonight at the medal celebration tonight. alexandre bilodeau. I'll be wearing my canada t-shirt tomorrow.

sigh. I think I may just head to bed and tape all the tv I "need" to watch tonight. too tired to think.

xoxo

things are changing around here

I started my last post with a bit of a personal rant on my self. starting today, things are changing around here. and I am going to do these changes in honour of lent. here's a link to some wiki intel on the whole lent thing. not all people who practice lent are christians, nor do all christians celebrate lent. I however, have never had strong feelings about lent either way. I didn't grow up with this tradition and I've never been super strict about it when I did decide to join in the excitement! this year is going to be a bit different. I've done some reading and have discovered some of the symbolism behind the tradition - it's about renewed vigour in three areas: prayer [justice towards God], fasting [justice towards self] and almsgiving [justice towards neighbour]. so this is what I am taking on, as of this week. I am choosing to fast from a couple of significant things - dairy [excluding eggs] and red meat. I am choosing these two things for a couple of reasons - I think I have some intolerance towards both of these food groups and need to just do this to feel better, but I also need to be this extreme to detox my system from all the things that are causing me to feel sluggish - mainly all the sugar and high-sugar carbs that I eat daily. the no-dairy thing will get rid of many options in my eating. and, it's my life philosophy to go big or go home. so I'm going big.

then there are the other parts - prayer and giving. I am making a plan in that department and will keep you posted. I am toying with a thankfulness journal for my prayer implementation. and the giving part is eluding me right now.

regardless, I am hoping that all of this has an impact on my body, but more importantly, on my soul. I need to honour my creator and be grateful for the life I get to live. and it starts here. for the next 6 weeks.

although I know darn well that I cannot commit to blogging the whole time, I know that this will be my thankfulness forum.

join me?

let's make that selfless love...

...not sacrificial love. they are close, but not the same. still having the same issues, but hey, I'll work through them! I was having a bit of a talk with myself as I was straightening my hair tonight. [yes, new hobby. as a lifer on the curly hair circuit, it's time well spent...I GET TO HAVE STRAIGHT HAIR!!!!] I am sucking the life out of my happiness, with my loathing, "edmonton-in-february" blues. and in the words of some 80's hair band, "we're not going to take it anymore". I am done with my bad attitude. for real this time. time to get this fat arse off the couch and start moving and taking care of myself. how, you may wonder, does this even relate to my issues of having to talk in church on sunday? well my thought was this: if I can't love myself in a selfless manner [wow, deep.], then how can I love anyone else with any measure of selflessness? just a heads up, I am coming from an extraordinarily christian perspective as I write. be offended if it makes you feel better, or just take it for what it is - my theological perspective on something I know very little about. bottom line, christian or not, feel free to engage me in conversation on this topic. I'd love the feedback.

so, I am going to go to the lovely "frayer" model, as we call it in social studies. I'll give you a definition, an example and a non-example. then we'll talk synonyms.

I started by going to the ever trusty dictionary.com and got this as a definition: having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish. there is a little scripture in the bible that reminds me of a story that I heard in sunday school - of a hen gathering her chicks under her wing during a barn fire and giving her life for her chicks [matthew 23:37 reminded me of this story]. like I said in my last post - the "put yourself in front of the moving bus" kind of love. these, in my opinion, would be an example of selfless love. a love that has no concern for oneself. an unselfish love. this example is one that transcends culture and time. the story of ultimate sacrifice. the giving of one's life for another. and, there are nothing wrong with these stories. they exemplify the divine. philippians 2:6-8 says this:

⁶Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
⁷but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
⁸And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

selfless love is divine. well then how the heck am I suppose to get even close with my wee efforts in love?? oh, and I found this just a few verses ahead that drove the point home for me just a bit: "do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others." very interesting, considering my non-example coming right...NOW!

let's get to the non-example. I am going to be really vague here, because I don't have a clue who reads this. and it is a true story. when push comes to shove, it's about not loving a child for reasons of personal pride, all in the name of the same divine who chose to love me so much that he was "obedient to death" on my behalf. there are stories everywhere of personal pride and selfishness that so invade a person's heart that they cannot love in anyway that remotely mimics selflessness.

so in all this I come back to a series of words: selfish, proud, justified, egotistical, prejudice, self-centered. and a series of words that describe the woman I would like to become: selfless, humble, non-judgmental, giving, including, christ-centered. if selfless love is a picture of the divine, then I want be a mom, a sister, a daughter, a wife, a friend who exemplifies this not just under extraordinary circumstances, but in ordinary, daily existence.

and in this, I'll tell you a story about my dad, one that I will tell at his funeral [hopefully 25+ years from now!]. I remember being about 13 or 14 years old and my dad and I had a HUGE fight in the car on the way home from somewhere. we were driving south on st albert trail and there was a huge sign on the corner across the trail from the old dairy queen [if you're old-school st albert, you know where I'm talking about!]. he swore it said "yard sale". I swore it said "garage sale". and we had a HUGE fight about it. needless to say, by the time we got home, he was yelling at me, I was yelling back. doors were slammed and feet were stomped. I went to my room and cried. about an hour later, my dad knocked on my bedroom door and asked to come in. and he apologized for his behaviour. he owned his part and said sorry. and in that moment, I learned a valuable lesson - as an adult, you can put away your need for "being right" and "winning the fight" with your crazy 14 year old daughter and just be selfless in the ordinary daily existence that is our lives. he put aside his pride and ego and just made things right and in that moment, showed me what selfless love looks like when it's in human relationships.

it's in those moments where ego and pride are shelved, and your child comes to you broken and alone. it's in those moments where selfless acts are done in secret as to protect a friends reputation. it's in those moment where we choose to do the right thing and defend a sibling without thought of retaliation. it's taking the time to love as christ loves us. unconditionally. no strings attached.

sacrificial love

I need to talk in church on sunday about this topic. I'm not too sure if I even know anything about it. yeah, there are the stories of the parent who puts their life ahead of their child; we get versions of this story through email spam on a regular basis. I need something else. I need something me. when it's personal, or needs to be personal, I have a hard time coming up with an example. sheesh. HELP ME!!!! as of right now, I am teeming with non-examples, and stories of how pride gets in the way of sacrificial love. how personal agendas and preservation of a life we think we have gets in the way of truly loving others. maybe I need to keep my mind on that angle and not on the whole "my sister's keeper" angle. when I get the whole mess done, I'll post it.

crystal village

so I tried to take a picture a day with my iPhone - then edited them on my phone with one of two new apps: camerabag & shakeitphoto. camerabag comes with 8 or 9 different edits, most of which I like - helga is my favorite! shakeitphoto does an old school polaroid finish, and it even takes time to develop [the martini picture below].

although these are in reverse order, and I didn't quite manage one-a-day, it was fun to see what I could manage in a week...

#6: nate at sarah's basketball game on saturday - both boys play basketball [or are learning to] and they had great fun watching the jr high girls win a championship! go eagles!!

#5: also taken on saturday - an update on the new house. they've poured the basement. that beats last week when they had just dug the basement. progress is my friend!

#4: I concocted a martini on friday night. it was not bad - not my best, but with a tweak or two it could be EXCELLENT! this version was 1pt vodka, 1pt baileys, 1pt cherry whiskey. I think that next time I would make it with vanilla vodka and some chocolate poured in the glass to garnish it!

#3: after the crazy that was wednesday [overtired kids meet cranky mom], after I bathed nate because he peed all over the bathroom floor, I saw this arraignment on the bathtub wall and had a good chuckle. spidey meets the ducks.

#2: those of you know that know me well, know that it nearly killed me not to buy these sticky notes on tuesday. if I wasn't a teacher ['cause I can't use these at school!!] I may have given in to the temptation. I just couldn't figure out how I could use them and still be a good mom! bad enough that I have a darling 4-year old that knows how to use the f-bomb correctly.

#1: monday morning. dark, snowy with the glowing lights of my favorite morning ritual. I do love my americanos. sigh.

so what did your week "look" like?

jump

things that make me happy:

1. sitting at my computer at school in the morning and cranking my music.

2. having my morning coffee with said music blaring.

3. silence in the evening when the kids are in bed.

4. that God answers prayers.

5. that we are so darn close to closing this house deal - this time next week!

6. that apple named the new geek toy an iPad. seriously, apple. now I don't want one. it will be kinda uncool to pull my pad out of my purse. thank you for saving me a ton of money, apple. thank you.

7. friends that understand why I don't always call - and they're okay with it.

8. too tired to think of a #8 and since 7 8 9 [seven ate nine? haha!], we never get to 10. yeah. too tired.

good night, kids. talk atcha tomorrow!