Sunday, May 29, 2011

waiting on a sign

so I read THIS this past week.  and if you read it, feel free to read my somewhat coherent comment that followed.  ha!

but it continues to stick with me.  speak something worth repeating.  be worth echoing.

I know darn well that mandy was writing about creativity and inspiration and creating something new, something echoed, something reflecting.  but yet the words are haunting me.  following me.  swirling around in my very, very cluttered brain.

and maybe because it strikes a chord with me in a way that I hadn't anticipated.  in a place that I don't really like to go looking.  it's that old, dusty place that operates unconsciously.  with habits and thought processes that are decades old, formed by a look.  a misplaced comment.  a slight.  a bit of neglect.  stamped into a self-conscious that was a mouldable piece of soft clay, not yet hardened into the lovely piece of woman-girl-mother-wife that exists today.  but leaving the mark.  that mark.  the mark of unworthiness.

until this moment {oh, and the next as well!}, I have allowed my self worth to be shaped by my past.  I have craved affirmation.  I have sought the approval of others.  I have undone myself to fit a mould.  and I have lost myself along the way.  I have always been curious.  creative.  intuitive.  and yet, with the messages that I learned to believe about myself along the way, I became dulled.  a copy.  afraid.

and although I am not "THERE" yet, I am beginning to feel angry at what I've wasted.  I am saddened by my fear.  and impressed that it's not all dead and gone!  I have made poor, poor choices.  I am a great sinner.  I have {and often continue to!} cursed and sworn and been arrogant, judgemental and proud.  but no longer does that have to define me.  somewhere in all the mess, my life has been saved.  shown grace.  the past redeemed.  recovered.  refound.  and there is a little speck of my soul that is craving something new.  something worth echoing.

and all of this is just swirling in my head.  knowing change needs to be made.  knowing that all the pieces are connected.  knowing that all will be well.  and trusting that this journey, this painful and difficult journey, is one worth taking.

be worth echoing.  live a life worth repeating.  be more than the lies you've been told.  be who you were created to be.  and know that you are not alone.

1 comment:

mandy said...

Wow. You took this to a beautiful new level. :) Amazing, Cori. And I didn't know what to expect when wandering over here... And you've turned my words into something even more. That, my friend, is the echo.